I (45, F) have been friends with someone (also 45, F) for over 30 years. We’ve been through a lot together and I used to value our connection deeply. But over the last 5 or so years, things have shifted and not in a healthy way.
So she only communicates by phone. And I don’t mean quick catch-ups—I mean hours-long calls that feel more like emotional hostage situations. Every time I see her name pop up on my screen, I get a sinking feeling. I dread picking up. But if I ignore her, she keeps calling or leaves long voicemails asking if I’m mad at her.
The content of our calls is almost always the same: how other people have wronged her, how unfair life is, how she’s struggling. I’ve tried to be a supportive friend, but there’s no balance. It’s never a two-way conversation, and there’s never a genuine interest in how I’m doing. Just a one-way emotional unload.
It’s reached a point where she’s sobbed uncontrollably on the phone, begging me to leave my husband and come live with her because she doesn’t want to be alone. (and for some ungodly reason thought I would actually agree to divorce my husband of 12 years) I know how that sounds—so crazy, wild, and honestly, a little unhinged. I’ve tried to set boundaries gently, steering the conversation toward healthier topics, and even taken long pauses in communication. Nothing changes.
I’ve repeatedly suggested to her to seek professional help – therapy. I’ve shared that I’ve gone to therapy for years and how it has helped in my relationships, mental wellness, etc. but she flatly tells me she doesn’t want to.
I should also add that we do not live remotely close to each other so we don’t get the chance to spend your typical girlfriend time together. For a little more context, when we both attended a mutual friend’s baby shower recently, she was noticeably clingy to me. She was insistent on going to the bathroom with me and even stepping out to my car for a brief moment put her in this strange panic, looking for me to the point that other friends noticed her odd behavior and asked me about it. I just said I didn’t notice when actuality I was feeling very uncomfortable the entire time.
I realize this might sound like I’m adding to the story – I can assure you I’m toning this down. What has transpired over the last few years, I could write novels about similar disturbing behavior and the phone calls…omg… this post is already too long.
I feel drained, emotionally spent, and guilty all at once. She’s not a bad person—she’s just stuck.
So, AITA for not answering her calls?
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I (45, F) have been friends with someone (also 45, F) for over 30 years. We’ve been through a lot together and I used to value our connection deeply. But over the last 5 or so years, things have shifted and not in a healthy way.
So she only communicates by phone. And I don’t mean quick catch-ups—I mean hours-long calls that feel more like emotional hostage situations. Every time I see her name pop up on my screen, I get a sinking feeling. I dread picking up. But if I ignore her, she keeps calling or leaves long voicemails asking if I’m mad at her.
The content of our calls is almost always the same: how other people have wronged her, how unfair life is, how she’s struggling. I’ve tried to be a supportive friend, but there’s no balance. It’s never a two-way conversation, and there’s never a genuine interest in how I’m doing. Just a one-way emotional unload.
It’s reached a point where she’s sobbed uncontrollably on the phone, begging me to leave my husband and come live with her because she doesn’t want to be alone. (and for some ungodly reason thought I would actually agree to divorce my husband of 12 years) I know how that sounds—so crazy, wild, and honestly, a little unhinged. I’ve tried to set boundaries gently, steering the conversation toward healthier topics, and even taken long pauses in communication. Nothing changes.
I’ve repeatedly suggested to her to seek professional help – therapy. I’ve shared that I’ve gone to therapy for years and how it has helped in my relationships, mental wellness, etc. but she flatly tells me she doesn’t want to.
I should also add that we do not live remotely close to each other so we don’t get the chance to spend your typical girlfriend time together. For a little more context, when we both attended a mutual friend’s baby shower recently, she was noticeably clingy to me. She was insistent on going to the bathroom with me and even stepping out to my car for a brief moment put her in this strange panic, looking for me to the point that other friends noticed her odd behavior and asked me about it. I just said I didn’t notice when actuality I was feeling very uncomfortable the entire time.
I realize this might sound like I’m adding to the story – I can assure you I’m toning this down. What has transpired over the last few years, I could write novels about similar disturbing behavior and the phone calls…omg… this post is already too long.
I feel drained, emotionally spent, and guilty all at once. She’s not a bad person—she’s just stuck.
So, AITA for not answering her calls?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I stopped answering the phone. 2. I might be the asshole for not answering because the calls are from a friend of 30 years.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
You are not her free therapist. You are not her free trauma dumping recipient. You’ve done what you can by suggesting that she seek professional help. Now it’s time for you to take care of your own mental health by disengaging.
NTA
It sounds like you’re being smothered to death by someone who maybe has no one else in her life to lean on for emotional support. I’m not sure if ghosting is the way to go though. I’d be curious if you’ve ever confronted her about her behavior before?
Not only are you NTA – this might be a relationship you might want to end completely. Asking you to leave your husband of 12 years for HER… that’s insanely selfish of her. Everything you described sounds so suffocating – you’re not her friend. She’s treating you like an emotional support object. As if you only exist for her own comfort.
The only way I can see this ‘friendship’ being saved is if you set up a series of strict boundaries- but even…
NTA But if you want to be a good friend, take the hard way and tell her how it’s been for you during this time since she has changed. Tell her that you care about her but you’re not equipped to help her as a counselor would be. Insist that she listen for a few minutes. I don’t have a lot of hope that she’ll immediately seek change, but it’s got to be better than being ghosted.
NTA
I’ve been in this situation and as painful as it is, there is no law that says you must maintain friendships forever just because. It is totally reasonable to say that you’re uncomfortable with these conversations and don’t want them to continue.
There might be more going on with her, but you aren’t responsible for that. I’m not trying to call your friend a name but the term “emotional vampire” can be used appropriately here, and your first responsibility is to yourself.
NTA at all. She’s not a friend, she’s an emotional vampire. You could start your calls with “Hi, I have a lot going on right now and only a few minutes to talk,” then make an excuse to cut the call short after 10 minute or so. You could interrupt and take over the whole conversation and make it about you, just so she realizes other people also have lives and problems and things going on. You could explain to her that you’re not her therapist and she really should get one of those. You could do all that, and she still won’t value you for anything other than her emotional support because she literally doesn’t understand what friendship is.
she flatly tells me she doesn’t want to.
That’s the end of this discussion. She knows that she has a problem, she knows that she needs help, she knows that you are not a licensed professional, yet she refuses to help herself.
Don’t pick up next time. When she leaves the inevitable “wah, wah, are you made at me?” VM, respond with a text: Yes, I am mad at you for not taking better care of yourself. I cannot and will not continue to be your emotional dumping ground when we both know that is not healthy and not helpful”.
NTA. But this woman is unhinged. You need to officially “break up with her.”
You can look up resources online on how to break up with a toxic person and then apply it to her.
She’s not going to get the memo if you stop answering her calls. She will likely escalate. You are in an emotionally manipulative relationship that is potentially abusive
NTA – happened to me too. It’s just not fun anymore to be a dumping ground and when I did visit I would get stuck in some weird alcohol fueled drama. I stopped going altogether a couple years ago and never regretted it. Calls have pretty much stopped and no attempts to visit me have happened. I get an occasional meme on socials but that’s it. My peace was restored!
NTA. This person is not treating you like a friend: she is treating you like a therapist, emotional punching bag, trauma dumping ground. You are not obligated to continue a friendship that constantly drains you emotionally just because you’ve been friends for 30 years. Some friendships run their course.
Communicate your difficulties firmly. Start by setting some pretty strong boundaries (no more “gentle” boundaries because clearly this person does not or cannot respect that) – we can talk x number of times per (week, month, etc.) for x minutes at a time. Set a timer and stick to it and give the person reminders of the boundary if needed.
If boundary setting doesn’t work (and it sounds like it may not), it may be time to cut her off. Communicate that you are unable to continue having any conversations with her if she will not respect your boundaries. Don’t answer the phone anymore. After some time, if she’s respected your do not engage request, if this is a friendship that you still want to maintain for your own self, you might invite starting communication back up slowly (or not!). If she still won’t accept this or respect your boundaries, blocking her number may be the way to go.
NTA – the question that you should ask yourself is whether you want to try and salvage the friendship or if you’re simply done. If you want to try and evolve it to a healthy place a frank discussion about boundaries is probably warranted. It can still be loving but needs to be firm as well. I’ve had a conversation with a friend that was going through a lot where I basically said that I loved her and valued her friendship but that I was feeling like a therapist and that I wasn’t equipped to deal with it. I added that despite my best intentions I could also be hurting her because I wasn’t trained. In our case it worked: she started therapy and our friendship is now balanced. That being said, it’s also ok to be done… NTA whatever your decision.