My stepsister and I (both 26f) are pregnant for the first time. I’m due 6 weeks before her if my mom’s math is correct. My mom approached me about a month ago and asked if I would let my stepsister join my baby shower as an expectant mom to be. She said my stepsister doesn’t really have friends. She doesn’t have extended family she’s close to either. But I have both of those. I’ve had friends since preschool and other friends since I started my job. And I have my dad’s wider family who are ever present in my life even after he died when I was 7. She said it would be a kindness and would show some family and/or sisterly support if I could make sure she and her baby are celebrated too. I told my mom I would not do that. That firstly it would be a huge ask for mine and my husband’s family and friends to buy someone and their baby a gift who they don’t know and to expect them to bring two gifts. But also I’m not at all close with my stepsister and I told her that’s a big ask for me to share the experience with someone I do not speak to outside of the occasional family dinner.
My mom told me it’s important to put all the childishness aside and come together so our babies can be cousins and so we can be a solid family unit.
What mom means by this is I was never close to my stepsister and it annoyed me when we first became stepsisters age 10 that I was expected to see her as a real sister and be close to her. That’s never how I saw her. She was in the family but not my sister and not someone I needed to be BFFs with. My mom used to tell me that I needed to be careful or I’d end up with nobody and she’d be all I have left in the world. She didn’t like that I wasn’t willing to be as eager as my stepsister was for a sister. I think my stepsister’s eagerness lasted all of three years before she realized it was one-sided and backed off.
But mom continued to want me to treat her like a sister. There were times she got really angry with me because my extended family let me include friends in my time with them if we went anywhere and I invited friends but never my stepsister and I never tried to include her in my extended family. This was always dad’s family btw. My mom’s parents died before I was born and her only sister is in and out of prison. So no family connections there.
After I said no to including my stepsister in the shower my mom texted me for 10 days solid telling me to reconsider and she sent me a bunch of co-shower ideas. I warned my best friend what mom was doing too and luckily she didn’t contact her but she’s on alert. My stepsister also reached out and told me she really would like if we could share and she said I always had everything while she never had much and she doesn’t want that for her baby too. She told me to think of it as setting the cousins up to be close because she wanted our babies to be cousins for real. I told her my answer was still no.
Then mom texted me about 35 times (at last count) asking me what was wrong with me, where did she go wrong, and how could I say no to an upset pregnant mom who’s the closest I ever got to having an actual sister. She told me it’s childish and very disappointing that I would behave this way as an adult and expectant mom.
AITA?
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For a moment there I thought your step sister wanted to join you in the shower with your baby lol
I’m not that used to seeing baby shower thrown around.
NTA btw, do what you feel comfortable doing, you don’t owe her nothing
If you say yes.. I can see what’s going to happen next, you’re going to get the better gifts and more of them obviously because it’s your friends and family and your moms going to turn around and decide that it’s unfair and that all the gifts should be divided equally.. NTA
You’re simply not volunteering to turn your own celebration into someone else’s charity event.
There’s nothing wrong with having two baby showers. I don’t get why she doesn’t just have her own? She could just invite everyone to hers.
It’s not your fault or responsibility just because she got pregnant around the same time.
You and your husband should focus on your child.
Your mom and her don’t seem to respect boundaries or privacy.
Does that mean your kids will share birthdays, too? What about the father of her child and his family? Can’t they invite them to their own baby shower? You might as well share hospital beds while both giving birth… sorry for the rant, but I understand you. It’s the principle of it, and they don’t respect or care how you’re feeling.
I dislike when other people jump on the band wagon on other people who have done the work and are planning for something, and they just want to make it about them and share it.
Why don’t you help ,tell your mom “let her have her own day “. I mean another baby shower and you ،your mom,stepdad ,and her husband s family are invited . I know it is not going to big event but it going to be nice .
NTA block them all. She is basically nothing to you, is she looking for free gifts or what?
NTA. Seems like your mom care more about your stepsister feelings than yours OP and have been doing so since your guys were little girls.
Don’t open up this door for her by saying yes , it’s YOUR baby shower , not a bonding moment between step sibling, an attempt at pretending a fake harmonious blended family or some charity work because your mom can’t get over herself and the fact that they as adults fails to merge the family and she is now years later trying to force and un inexistant relationship between you and her stepdaughter.
Your baby shower your rules OP !
Combining would take away from her experience as well. Maybe her group is smaller but that doesn’t mean it’s less important. What would be a better idea is two celebrations, support is you each showing up for each other’s.
I don’t think you should have to share your baby shower and I absolutely understand all of your reasoning is why you don’t want to
I’m not sure from your post if you don’t like your stepsister or if it’s just that you have nothing in common and don’t hang out at all.
If it’s the latter you could suggest that her baby shower with a few people she can invite which includes you and your partner will be special and intimate because everybody that’s going is very close to her.
You can turn up to hers and make a big fuss for her. Bring her a gift. That would be the kind thing to do.
But I absolutely do not think that you have to invite her to yours because it would be very weird with all of your friends and extended family and your partners family who don’t know her .
NTA if there being like this I would seriously be reconsidering having them at the shower.
NTA. Where’s your step sister’s extended bio family or the baby’s father’s family? Your mother’s idea of “fairness” probably includes your step sister taking half your gifts because she didn’t get as many.
It’s kinda sad that your step sister hasn’t developed any friendships in 26 years but that not on you to fix. Do you have a plan for if your mom still tries to make it a co-shower on the day of the event?
If my sister or friend had a shared baby shower and I didn’t know the other person, I wouldnt buy them a present.
This is tough because I feel bad she doesn’t have any friends .. I mean why ? There is no work friends .. no high school friends.. no one she could invite ? That’s sad … and concerning why doesn’t she have friends?
I don’t think you are an AH for not wanting a joint shower but the situation is sad.
Info: would you go to a shower for your stepsister and be kind to your new nibling so the kids are cousins?
I ask because the reasonable solution imho is be there for your stepsister – not ask your contact to be there for her and buy two gifts etc. I agree with you that’s not cool for your friends and family, it is kinda pitiful…
I don’t get why you’d still hold on to the childhood barrier though, I would feel some empathy and want to come up with other ways to be kind or supportive even if not directly – I’d also want the kids to be cousins.
Your post does read like the childhood stuff is still carrying on with you – and yea your mom pushing it isn’t cool but as an adult now you have to set your relationship with stepsis directly and let mom exit trying to direct that. So rather than saying no, being avoidant etc. I’d suggest you think of what you do want and are willing to do and discuss that with your stepsister. Otherwise you will face this tension for the rest of your lifetimes and your kids will too – break that cycle imho.
She doesn’t work with anyone? Does your mom have friends? I had baby showers with all of my kids. The first one was mostly my mom’s friends, the second one was my MIL’s friends, and the last one was at work.
NTA. Where is stepsister mum and her family?
NTA.
So you are supposed to make up her mothers side of the family, her father’s side, her stepmother side, her baby daddy side of the family and her friends and her baby daddy’s friends? Her colleagues and his colleagues? That’s a lot to put on anyone let alone someone you barely have a relationship with.
Asking your friends and family to buy an extra gift for someone they don’t know would be extremely rude regardless of the economy.
Updateme!
Putting aside that, it’s your shower. Your friends and paternal family do not know her. If a friend of mine decided on a shared shower with someone I didn’t know, I’d either not go or only buy my friend a gift. Why does she want to be humiliated when you’ll get all the gifts and attention. But then again, your mum will expect you to be fawning all over step sister and share your gifts. I’d uninvited all 3 and go low contact. Your mum only cares for one pregnant woman, and it’s not you.
That is sad for her but that doesn’t mean you have to share your moment. NTA