My ex (33m) and I (33f) share physical and legal custody of our two children (10m and 8f). We broke up 6 years ago. He started dating his now wife (31f) 18 months or so after we broke up. We all get along just fine and my ex met my current partner (35m) before our kids too.
My ex’s wife moved in with him 2 years ago and they married 5 months after she moved in. The kids get along well with her. I know she loves them and I know she and my ex were hoping to have children of their own but they cannot due to a medical condition on her end. This started a conversation between my ex and the kids about whether they wanted to call their stepmom ‘mom’ and they told him no. They told him they had a mom and a dad and that “Beth” (stepmom) and “Miles” (my partner) are extra people.
There were conversations at my ex’s house about using bonus instead of step and about having two moms and possibly someday two dads. But the kids said no to that and that they’ll only ever have a mom and dad.
My kids first mentioned it to me when their dad asked them to consider seeing their stepmom as their mom too. They told me they didn’t like it coming up again which is how I found out about other talks and they also said they didn’t want to her to be their second mom. I suggested they tell their dad how they felt. They told him how they felt and apparently they were a little more forceful about it, saying they NEEDED to talk to him and it was serious lol. He asked where this had come from and they admitted they talked to me. He asked me what they said and I told him. We talked about it and he said he didn’t think it was a big deal. I told him I didn’t like this being forced on them. I talked to their stepmom after that too and she told me she appreciated me telling the kids to be honest so they could change their approach.
I don’t know how their approach changed but it doesn’t appear to bother the kids as much. But now my ex wants me to tell them I want them to consider her their mom too. He told me it’s better for the kids. I told him it would be a lie and not one I am comfortable telling. He asked me why it would be a lie and I told him I don’t want them to consider both of us their mom. He told me I should. That his wife has been so good to the kids and I should want them to have more than just me for the mom role. He called me insecure and said he wouldn’t mind my partner being called dad.
I said it’s one thing to accept when the kids choose it. But it shouldn’t be forced. I told him I would never discourage them from calling her mom if they chose to and I would never discourage them calling my partner dad either if they wanted to. But I would never let that be forced on them either.
My ex said it’s a selfish parent who refuses to share and I’m putting my feelings before the kids best interest. I suggested he reflect on whether he’s putting his wife’s feelings about not being able to have kids above our kids feelings. He told me that’s my selfish wish to be their only mom talking.
AITA?
Comments
Its a selfish parent who treats his kids as accessories to be traded and bandied about. Youre definitely NTA
NTA. He is the selfish one. His wife not being able to have kids is not an emergency on your kids part. They are allowed their opinions. If he keeps pushing he can say goodbye to a relationship after they are 18. You and your husband are doing it right by not pushing and actually listening to your kids.
NTA. You ARE their only mom. Your ex and his wife are being ridiculous. If she wants to be a mom so bad, they can adopt. She isn’t entitled to your kids.
Your ex needs to hear that if he keeps pushing this, eventually, the kids will start rejecting him and stepmom. The kids have made their wishes very clear. And it sounds like the stepmom understands and accepts this.
NTA
Your ex is the AH because instead of letting something possibly happen organically he is trying to force something that literally cannot be forced.
It sounds good in theory to him, but your ex is likely the type that would also lose his mind in 20 years if your daughter wanted both him/Miles to walk her down the aisle as we just saw with another post on this app lol.
NTA
He is selfish to think that you should „share“ your Title… stepmom isn’t the one who had them – birthed them and stuff… you share your kids but that’s it. They can’t put their feelings on these kids… unbelievable… all they doing with that is traumatizing them and pushing them away.
Obviously NTA. Notice how he didn’t volunteer to have your husband be called dad first. If it was no big deal, he should have lead with that. But he didn’t, and you know why. He’d be pissed if the kids called your husband dad. If he’s not even willing to make that happen first, he has no leg to stand on it demanding you encourage the kids to call his wife mom.
>We talked about it and he said he didn’t think it was a big deal.
If it’s not a big deal than he can quit bringing it up to them. They spoke to you because he spoke to them twice about it, so clearly it’s a big enough deal to him and therefore a big enough deal for them.
>she told me she appreciated me telling the kids to be honest so they could change their approach.
If the approach isn’t respecting a boundary than it isn’t really changing the thing that matters. Your ex is trying to go around your kids to get others to pressure them, he’s trying to zero in on the words or the angle that will “convince them.”
NTA
NTA
Here’s how it goes:
The wants of the person their parent shacked up with don’t even make the list. Let them adopt or foster.
NTA but he’ll damage his relationship with them the more he pushes and he might end up with them resenting stepmom. The kids are old enough to know their own minds, he should respect their choice. Updateme
Your ex is delusional and will push the kids away with his nonsense
NTA. Ask your ex how he feels about the kids referring to your partner as “Dad.”
Your ex is delusional his children have spoken he needs to stop trying to manipulate you, I would go directly to his wife and ask her why her husband keeps on insisting that the kids who have already refused to call her mum is trying to manipulate you, tell her she will lose her close relationship with your kids if they keep pushing for more. See how quickly they drop it.
NTA Your ex is selfish and not thinking of the kids best for the children. They can adopt if she wants a child the more they try to force the more the children will fight it and start to resent them
NTA your ex husband and his creepy wife are gonna alienate those kids all on their own and then they’ll blame you for it. Tell him that a real mother wouldn’t feel the need to force something like this. It’s meaningless if it’s forced. It’s like a fetish. “Call me Mommy”. Deeply fucked up.
NTA. Tell him to get her therapy, a dog or step up and be her emotional support as the ADULT HE IS and not USE his CHILDREN as an emotional crutch for his wife. Reminder him that your kids are not his wife emotional support tools!!! I would also be asking why his wife emotions are more important than his children’s and if he really thinks that if this keeps up that the kids will still view him and his wife the same after they refuse to listen or care about the children’s wants and boundaries.
So your kids are responsible for their Dad’s wife’s emotions surrounding their (could be the Dad, too) infertility? This is so weird, and so inappropriate. She needs to leave them alone before they decide not have anything to do with her at all.
NTA. I can understand why he’s your ex. Your kids have told all of you exactly how they feel. They are learning that their father doesn’t care about what they want. Your ex is a huge AH.
Consult your lawyer if you can.
NTA. That choice is and will always be the children’s. Thank you for listening to them.
“refuses to share” like your children are a fucking apple pie and not people with their own needs and opinions
NTA the selfish parent is the one who tries to force the children to do something they don’t want to do just to make their spouse happy.
Wow! What a tool! Clearly he’s the selfish parernt, no doubt about it. What happens if they split? Will his next partner be ‘mummy’ too? At least his new partner sounds a bit more sensible than him, although that’s hardly a stretch.
NTA. Obviously your ex is putting his current wife ahead of the kids feelings. The kids are correct, they have a Mom and Dad. They don’t need bonuses, they have extra people in their lives.
He and his wife need to get over themselves. Tell your children, they are allowed to say No, it’s a full sentence. They can also say they don’t want to talk about it anymore. They have said how they feel. By them continuing to bring it up, shows your children their Dad refuses to hear them.
NTA. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? These are NOT HER KIDS, and it is a selfish person who attempts to muscle into a relationship that isn’t, wasn’t, and will never be hers.
NTA
“They are not robots. They cannot just be programmed to do something. If they want to, they will. If they don’t, I won’t force them. And neither will you, if you want to see them after they turn 18. This is exactly the type of small stupid crap that starts at age 10 and escalates into the kid massively resenting the parent for constantly poking, and whining, and begging, and fighting for.
I’m not lying to my kids. And they’re not going to lie to me either. So drop it, now.”
NTA. Something tells me that the kids sensed that their father and stepmother are trying to use them as substitutes because they can’t have kids or their own and because OP is standing by her kids, this is going to get worse.
This is a bad idea to force a role on a child. It will just create resentment.
Wow, emotional abuse. The kids are going to pull away when they get older from him. You cannot create a relationship by force.
Nta. your kids want just the parents they were born to, and unless they choose to expand that circle, stay out of it. It is not their job to make up for her inability to have bio kids.
NTA
I’d make sure you follow up with your kids regularly on this. I wouldn’t put it past them to manipulate your kids and into them saying something like “I talked to your mum and she wants you to call Beth mum or bonus mum from now on. And to not bring it up with her again. Your mum told me this herself.”
He is selfish in trying to make his wife a mom to his kids when they are not okay with that. That is emotionally manipulative and it makes the kids feel like they have no right to how they actually feel. The kids are respectful to the step mom. They are old enough to decide what they want to call their step mom.
NTA. This reads like a need to one up you as their mother or even give step mom the title of mother because they can’t have bio kids? Either way, it’s prioritising adult feelings over kids feelings. Why? Allow children the room to have their opinions and be respected for them. Ex and his wife need to talk to someone and process what’s happening with regards to not having bio kids- leave these kids out of this.
Tell ex, the kids have the right to choose, and your kids aren’t his wife’s emotional support animals.
As a child of divorced parents who was forced to call my stepmom “mom”, it was a nightmare. I absolutely hated her and resent both my dad and her for this (dad and her are not together anymore, thankfully) for not even giving me the choice. I avoided going to my dads as much as possible once I was old enough to refuse to go.
NTA “My ex said it’s a selfish parent who refuses to share and I’m putting my feelings before the kids best interest”
Actually it’s a selfish parent that refuses to respect their children’s feelings and wishes, he’s obviously putting his own feelings over his kids or their interests
A selfish parent is one that badgers their kids over and over again to do something they do NOT want to do. He needs to drop it. She’s their STEP mom, not their mom.
its a selfish parent who tries to force his kids to do something they don’t want to do, and try to get someone else to encourage them to when they don’t want to. it’s not in their best interest – it’s in his and hers. Hes not thinking about the kids here.
Does your ex know that your kids are human beings and not emotional support dogs? They aren’t a weighted blanket you’re not sharing?
He’s the AH. Put a stop to the conversations. “We have discussed this. I won’t discourage them, but I’m not encouraging them. They are people with their own feelings, and those feelings deserve our respect. Not manipulation. If you and <wife> are having issues with her not having kids, please seek therapy. Quit trying to make it my or their problem. As their father, your number one priority has to be encouraging a healthy relationship where they are honest. They have been honest and clear, it’s time to accept that. I will not discuss this again.”
You are their only actual mom. She is stepmom.
NTA
I grew my children in my body, gave birth to them, nursed them, stayed up all night walking the floors with them, rushed them to the ER during medical emergencies, missed so much work that it put my career on the back burner to be there for them, was their #1 nurturer, teacher and guidance during their formative years so they are now the wonderful human beings they are today because of all my love, attention and hard work. So no, I do not consider a step mother who did none of those things to be my equal. A child cannot have too much love in their lives so the step mother’s efforts to be good to my children now is wonderful and something I would be truly thankful for, but it does not make us equal. The children need to develop a relationship with stepmom organically and call her whatever makes them comfortable. But trying to force my chldren to call another woman “Mom” when they have already stated repeatedly that they don’t want to would be a hill I would be willing to die on.
NTA: Calling anyone mom/dad that isn’t in that position by blood should only come organically. It should not be forced.
He’s the one trying to enforce his wishes on the kids. It’s him who’s being the selfish parent.
Nope nta. Stand your ground and good luck op. UpdateMe!
They took a few yrs for her to move in but then quickly got married after that, and now they are pressuring for the kids to call her mum ??
Was that how he got her to move in and become his wife… did he spin a line that he told her the kids would see her as their mum, and now he’s panicking that she might dip out of the marriage
I’m that stepmom. My husband & i were never able to have bio kids & he had 2 from a previousrelationship. I never tried to get his kids to call me mom. I still love them & take care of them. They don’t need to call me mom for me to know that they love me, they show me all the time. You’re not selfish or an AH.
Start talking to your partner about ‘Daddy’, think up conversations like “hey Daddy wanted to partner son at soccer so he’ll be taking him & son is pretty excited for his Daddy to go with, or Daddy picked up muffins for daughter…etc” see how he likes it. Be super enthusiastic & always call ‘Miles’ ‘Daddy’. When he gets irritated tell him this is why you will call Daddy Miles, as there’s one parent plus the parent’s partner. Two years is not enough time to organically grow close enough, for many people.
Is SM so desperate to a mom that she and EX are willing to force the kids to call her that? It’s not creating a loving environment if they keep pressuring the kids to give a title that they don’t want to.
Your ex claims he’d be perfectly fine if your kids called your partner ‘dad’. But, I’m guessing your partner isn’t pushing hard for that title, like your ex and his wife are. Forcing your kids into something they’re not comfortable with, will only create more harm than good. Regardless of how much your exes wife wants the ‘mom’ title, it doesn’t justify the constant pressure they keep putting on the kids to comply.
NTA maybe his kids should ask how he would feel if they starting called your husband Dad? It’s all about the kids right? He should have no problem with it right?
“Selfish wish to be their only mom…”? Really?
Heaven forbid we actually acknowledge reality.
If it’s “not a big deal” then why is he pushing it? Your kids have a boundary, they have vocalized it. He needs to respect it or he’ll risk hurting his relationship with the kids. You are NTA.
Maybe they should adopt a child and get their act together they’re just gonna ruin the relationship with the children they both need therapy and calling somebody. Mom isn’t privilege and honor and not should be forced upon technically and she will always be the stepmother if the children choose otherwise that’s their decision to make. Nobody else should force upon them calling somebody. Mom isn’t gonna change the feelings inside. She’s still doing the same thing she’s doing now. What difference will calling her mom really make it’ll just make her feel better in him and I think he is being very selfish and thinking about his wife’s feelings over his children he needs to reflect on what’s more important to him his relationship with his children or his wives if they’re so concerned, maybe they should either think about adopting or surrogacy or fostering a child not to push their beliefs or opinions on their children he’s the selfish one because he can’t think of anything but himself and his wife’s feelings and eventually he’s gonna bite him in the ass
What the fuck is his problem? Your kids have made their feelings clear. End of story. He’s the one that needs to do something and that is to back off!
They are old enough to know who mom and dad are. They are also old enough to dig their heels in when they think they are being forced into something. This is such an old tale and it always ends badly. The step parents try to force it, the kids begin to hate them, then when they are old enough they bail and the step parents are crying “why do our kids hate us”. You’d think people would learn by now. Be there and be a loving adult, the kids respond and become loving in return. Keep on at them and the kids stop seeing you as a bonus person in their life and rebel.
As their mom you are doing what you think is right, and giving your kids autonomy. They will always remember that. You will be the one who was there for them with no pressure, and an escape from the constant hounding about stuff they really don’t want to do. I’m like you, I am a terrible liar and hate lying. I might fudge a little when it’s an age appropriate issue, but I’ll never lie to a child. I’ve found it’s always best to tell them the truth, or at least as much truth as they can handle for their age.
NTA it’s up to the kids. This forcing them and manipulating them is toxic af. It’s fine one comment but to keep bringing it up is wrong.
Do not lie to your children. They will know.
NTA! I highly doubt your ex would be ok with calling your partner Dad or considering him their father. He’d blow a gasket if the tables were turned.
The kids don’t want to. Plain and simple. They made their choice. They don’t consider Beth their mom. They have a mom. You.
It’s amazing how these stepparents want to be considered full parents to their step kids and demand being called mom or dad. This happens especially if they can’t have kids of their own, women in particular. But if she had her own baby, your kids would probably be pushed to the side.
NTA. My stepdad came into my life around 3 or 4 years old. I always addressed him by his first name and knew who my father was. It was never forced. By the time I was 19 I referred my stepdad as my “other dad”. He earned that on my time not his. Your kids are old enough to address her the way they think is appropriate for them. He needs to let it go.
‘Mother’ and ‘mom’ is a name, not a title to share.
Your kids don’t know you by your birth name. They only know you as ‘Mom’.
It would be the same as ex’s wife suddenly wanting to change her legal first name to yours. It is weird. And selfish. Because it serves absolutely no purpose, other than stroking her ego and trauma.
NTA
NTA.
You are doing the right thing don’t force it, it needs to be the kids idea.
The kids don’t want to call her mom. That’s all you need to know about who’s putting their feelings before the kids’. NTA.
So guess he won’t mind if they call someone else Dad then?? Ask him THAT and I bet he changes his tune! NTA
He has his head up his ass. NTA. They’ll resent the step mother if this is forced. He is emotionally stupid
Nta. Actually they only have one Mom , you.
Your ex is full of it and needs therapy.
Did he even listen to you and the kids? You said if they choose to, they can. They said they don’t want that. And not just to his wife but to your husband as well. I agree with your beliefs that children have to be the ones to accept secondary partners. If he keeps pushing he’s going to damage his relationship with kids. You are NTA. What they call secondary partners is their choice.
As someone who has a step mom, I can confirm it to you no matter how good she will be , I will never put her and my mother at the same place , you need to take the kid’s opinions seriously and not force anything on them , even if she was so good to them , it will be up to the kids how they want to call her or consider her , don’t mind what your ex says and focus more on the kids
It’s best for the kids, eh? Selfish assholes. He’s putting his wife’s wants above his own children’s feelings.
Some people just don’t understand that children are little people with thoughts and feelings of their own, not objects to be manipulated in the lives of the adults. SMH.
NTA my boyfriend had to move into my house and his kid is with hi like half the time I am not fucking trying to take over the mom roll I am an extra person that loves his kid.
NTA he’s calling YOU selfish?!? Goodness gracious this post made me so furious. It’s normative to be sad when a dream like motherhood is not an option for medical reasons, but it is unacceptable to put that grief on the children to fix. I was rejected from the military because I have PTSD and trauma from being SA’d, aka medical reasons; I am still pretty salty about that, but I am a big girl who can handle my big feelings. She is treating the kids like possessions and not people and that is super selfish and messed up. If her and your ex keep this up they will alienate them and those kids will go NC when they reach adulthood.
I think you should lay down the facts and tell them that they’re harming the children and risking the relationships forever.
‘It’s a selfish parent who refuses to listen to their childrens’ feelings and forcing issues but it is not my house so if you want force the issue and alienate them into going no contact with you and cut you out of their life. Go ahead, be my guest. I, however, will listen to my children and respect their wishes.’
NTA
My ex and I split when our kiddo was about 2. She and her bf got a place and he was in my kiddo’s life from day one. Blah Blah Blah, yadda yadda yadda, long story short…
A while ago I got over my kiddo calling him Dad. He was their Dad. He was was there when I couldn’t be. Took them to school, spent time with them. took care of them when my ex was indisposed (which she was often). My kiddo loves him and to them, He is a Dad. Just as I am.
It’s a large and scary world out there. Kids need all the love and help they can get. You’re not losing being their mom if someone does the job when you’re not there. It’s about the kids and what they need.
Good luck!
I think he is being blinded by grief/stress of a life he was expecting with his wife. Doesn’t make any of what he is saying or doing ok or your problem. I do wonder if this would even have come up if they were able to have children together. Would they want or be concerned with your children calling her mum if they had biological children of her own?