My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have an 11 month old child. He has 2 kids, 17 and 18, from a previous marriage. We rent a house that does not have enough bedrooms. The 18 year lives with us and the 17 year old occasionally comes and visits. At this time, our baby together does not have their own room. We were talking about moving and his family graciously offered to give us a large down payment for a house. My boyfriend also decided to withdraw his retirement to put an even bigger down payment down. Although I am not contributing to the down payment I am expected to pay half the mortgage. He refuses to put me on the deed since I’m not contributing to the down payment. I brought up that since he emptied his retirement that when we grow old we will mostly be living off my pension. So in a way, it kind of all evens out. I tried explaining that if I’m not on the deed and won’t have absolute security that I don’t feel that I should have to pay HALF the mortgage and that I need to be able to save money for me and our baby incase something happened and we were told to leave. I also brought up that if I did pay half the mortgage that I wanted something legal and in writing that said if the house got sold that I would get the amount that I contributed to the mortgage, regardless of if I was on the deed or not. He did not love that idea. I also said that if he was unwilling to do that or put me on the deed that it needed to treated as a room mate situation. Meaning that there will be 3 adult people living there so I would be willing to pay a third of costs and bills. He said that that would t work because his kids will never have to pay rent or bills and they can live with him for as long as they need to or want to. He made a comment that since he was putting down the down payment that it was his house but that it would be our house because he was letting me live there. I reminded him that at this point, since it’s not going to be “my” house that I could find an apartment for me and our child and then he would be required to pay child support. And if he paid child support and didn’t have my contribution to the mortgage or bills he absolutely would not be able to afford the house with me. And that even if I’m not helping with the down payment that in the long run I am helping to make this possible for him. I reiterated that it was very important for me to have security, not only for myself, but for our child. I tried explaining that if I wasn’t on the deed then if he were to pass away the house would automatically go to his adult children , and if they wanted to they could make me and our son move out at time. No matter the age of our son at the time. So AITAH for being upset? AITAH for feeling like I shouldn’t have to pay half the mortgage on a house that I have no rights to?
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and have an 11 month old child. He has 2 kids, 17 and 18, from a previous marriage. We rent a house that does not have enough bedrooms. The 18 year lives with us and the 17 year old occasionally comes and visits. At this time, our baby together does not have their own room. We were talking about moving and his family graciously offered to give us a large down payment for a house. My boyfriend also decided to withdraw his retirement to put an even bigger down payment down. Although I am not contributing to the down payment I am expected to pay half the mortgage. He refuses to put me on the deed since I’m not contributing to the down payment. I brought up that since he emptied his retirement that when we grow old we will mostly be living off my pension. So in a way, it kind of all evens out. I tried explaining that if I’m not on the deed and won’t have absolute security that I don’t feel that I should have to pay HALF the mortgage and that I need to be able to save money for me and our baby incase something happened and we were told to leave. I also brought up that if I did pay half the mortgage that I wanted something legal and in writing that said if the house got sold that I would get the amount that I contributed to the mortgage, regardless of if I was on the deed or not. He did not love that idea. I also said that if he was unwilling to do that or put me on the deed that it needed to treated as a room mate situation. Meaning that there will be 3 adult people living there so I would be willing to pay a third of costs and bills. He said that that would t work because his kids will never have to pay rent or bills and they can live with him for as long as they need to or want to. He made a comment that since he was putting down the down payment that it was his house but that it would be our house because he was letting me live there. I reminded him that at this point, since it’s not going to be “my” house that I could find an apartment for me and our child and then he would be required to pay child support. And if he paid child support and didn’t have my contribution to the mortgage or bills he absolutely would not be able to afford the house with me. And that even if I’m not helping with the down payment that in the long run I am helping to make this possible for him. I reiterated that it was very important for me to have security, not only for myself, but for our child. I tried explaining that if I wasn’t on the deed then if he were to pass away the house would automatically go to his adult children , and if they wanted to they could make me and our son move out at time. No matter the age of our son at the time. So AITAH for being upset? AITAH for feeling like I shouldn’t have to pay half the mortgage on a house that I have no rights to?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told him that if I’m not going to be on the deed or have any legal rights that I should not be responsible for paying half of the mortgage that is more expensive than I can comfortably afford, just so his adult children will have rooms there, and that I would be more comfortable paying a smaller amount of the mortgage for the parts of the house that I’ll be using or have access to. This could make me the asshole because it could seem like I’m trying to exclude his older/adult children.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
If you don’t get owner rights then your share should be equal to rent share.
NTA
respectfully, I think this relationship is over. Four years and this is his view? That it’s HIS house? That his kids never have to contribute and will always have a place with him but your 11 month old doesn’t even have any space? That you must pay 50% of the mortgage but not be on title/deed and that the plan is to live off your pension down the line? HELL NO.
He doesn’t care about your security. He does not view you as a partner. He does not have your best interests in mind. This is not how someone behaves.
NTA Sorry, he doesn’t see you as an equal and valuable partner. His financial views are skewed and irresponsible honestly.
ETA if he has to drain his retirement and depend on you for half then this house is not affordable. Do you want to be stuck with someone who blows all your money?
You’re not married…ijs…
Run, dont walk… far far away.
4 years and a child… are you planning to marry? I would ask to be put on the deed, but sign a document that states in the event the house is sold he would recoup his entire down payment from the equity prior to the remaining equity (if there is any) being split. Depending on the size of the down payment it may leave you with nothing in case of a split, but you would be on the deed and have some security.
Otherwise, if there are 3 adults living in the house the mortgage gets split 3 ways. If your bf doesn’t want his son paying rent then he pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3 as rent with no equity. Hopefully that allows you to save some money for yourself and your child for a rainy day.
He doesn’t view you as a real partner or wife. Move and file child support on him
NTA
You are either his partner or a tenant.
Do not let this go. I would offer to pay 1/5, since those kids are all three his. Honestly I wouldn’t even move in the house, this whole conversation would be a turn off for me.
Putting you on the deed gives you 50% ownership. In his shoes would not do that unless:
That said, in your shoes I would not pay half of the mortgage. Tell him you are not going to help him pay off his house and not get anything in return. Pay some of the other bills perhaps, but tell him no on the mortgage.
Good luck to you two.
Considering you are not contributing for the down payment, then this is not your house. Then if you pay rent and utilities, that is up to him to decide. All other costs should be shared 50/50. In regards to the retirement issue, that’s also his problem. If he empties his savings for the down payment, that’s his decision and eventually his problem if it bites him in the ass. You can still be a family while keeping finances separate. Many couples do that, specially the ones with kids from before. As of today you need to secure the future of one kid, he needs to secure the future of three.
NTA, you have no responsibility toward the house as you have no ownership in it, so why would you pay into the mortgage?
NTA. Don’t move in with him, and file in family court for custody/child support.
This relationship has run its course. He doesn’t really see you as his family. My guess is that you’re in an age gap relationship and you’re his nurse and purse plan.
I would not move in. This man is basically saying to just trust him, pay a ton of money into the house and not get anything out of it.
Damn, he plans to milk you like a cow and kick you to the curb by the time your kid is in high school, maybe sooner. Don’t move in with him. Get your own place and get that child support. He will call you every name in the book for not helping him to fuck you over, but don’t waver. NTA.
oof what’s the age gap on this?
After four years and a BABY, he still won’t marry you or even have joint assets with you? Ridiculous. I would file for child support and get yourself an apartment. You’ll still be a lodger/maid ten years from now if you stay, and a free caregiver in thirty years.
NTA just start looking for you and the baby a little piece of apartment. Because threats don’t mean anything. The roommate situation sounds like the best deal here for you. He wants the benefits of you paying half the mortgage, and if his grown kids weren’t there I’d say that was fair. But nah.
All of this should have been figured out before the house was purchased.
NTA because, while I disagree that you should have been on the deed as if you are 50/50 contributors, you did offer a good alternative with a legal agreement as a compromise.
NTA. He wants to maintain all of the control and security, and doesn’t care about making you feel secure or integrating yourselves into a family unit. He’s projecting. He doesn’t trust you bc he’s not a person who can be trusted.
NTA!! Stick with what you said. Don’t give in. He has no right to demand that you pay half the mortgage if your name will not be on the deed.
NTA
Sorry to be the one who breaks this to you, OP, but this relationship has run its course.
It’s unfortunate that you have a child with this man, because he doesn’t see you as an equal partner with him in life at all. He’s all, “right, it’s my house, because I put the down payment down, but even so, you have to pay half the mortgage payments.”
You do need some security in this venture. If he is unwilling even to meet you halfway to a compromise, please don’t move in there with him, because he’s not seeing you as a partner, and if you split up later, you will be out all the money you’ve paid in towards the mortgage, which is what builds equity. The way he’s got this set up, he makes the down payment, but you pay towards the equity, but without any way ensuring your security in the future — or that of his child’s security.
Please reconsider this relationship. This entire situation has “train wreck” written all over it, and if he’s willing to use your money to his benefit in this way now, what will he think is OK in the future?
NTA.
You are being an entirely reasonable advocate for yourself and your child. Be firm, hold the line. You’re a strong woman and a good mother and you’re doing the right thing.
You’ve offered him different options. Now be quiet and give him time and space to pick something or offer a reasonable alternative. Don’t renegotiate, don’t plead, don’t give into the emotional pressure. And for the moment, perhaps don’t have sex so that your mind stays clear.
For added support you could consider seeking some names for lawyers you could use when you go forward with drawing up a binding agreement. Make sure you have your own lawyer, don’t use his.
First, you are in a long term relationship, pregnant, but not married. Legally you are not entitled to anything that he has. But with a child to worry about. That’s simply the truth of the matter. The red flag I see is that he’s treating you as a tenant not a partner. Now, if your main concern is long term security, as you reflect upon in your post, the best bet for you is to get your own place. So what if he can’t afford the house without you because he’ll need to pay child support? He can always charge his 2 adult children for rent and he could still keep the house and pay child support. What I am trying to stress is that you are not his priority. He wants to use you to pay half the mortgage, give you nothing to show for it, and live with his child. I would seriously consider investing into your own living space. I would never buy a house with a person without marriage right on the table, because it essentially makes you a roommate/baby-mama. I wish you luck, Mama. Know your rights, play it smart.
This happened with a friend of mine and her father insisted that she was put on the deed if she was going to be contributing to the mortgage.
You are not out of line for asking for security in your residence. You’re not married so already you lack a form of security, as you said. Your points are valid and it’s unreasonable for him to not be coming to the table with solutions.
NTA
Presuming you are in the USA, you have screwed the pooch here. You aren’t married so you have no rights to his house. You have no right to his retirement assets. You have no rights to anything that might be titled/registered solely in his name. He’s made it clear that he isn’t going to enter into a side agreement to give you rights to any of this and I didn’t see any mention of marriage in your post. Offsetting that with promises of a share of your pension is pure speculation – I’m guessing you are both at least 35 years from retirement who knows what will happen between then and now.
He has asked you to pay 1/2 his mortgage payment basically as rent. You don’t have to of course; you can simply move out. You could make a claim for child support as you mention.
His comment that, “…since he was putting down the down payment that it was his house but that it would be our house because he was letting me live there….” is just bullshit. This will never have any share in this house under the circumstances you outlined. NTA.
What security are you affording his grown up children though?
I understand your point.
He can’t have it both ways.
But what assurance does he had that you will look after his existing children in the event of his death?
Would you charge your own child a full portion Of rent when they hit 18 – that’s petty.
A compromise needs to be made.
But at this point you both being single is likely the fairest solution
Why do people keep doing married things when they aren’t married? News flash, it’s his house and he can boot you out if he gets tired of you.
If he wants to treat this as a tenant situation, there are 5 of you. He’s responsible for him and his kids from a previous relationship and half of the one you have together, you are responsible for 1/5 and half of your child’s portion. Because if you don’t get wifey privileges like part ownership in a house you’re paying on, you certainly aren’t obligated to pay towards his children that aren’t biologically yours. So even 1/3 is too much to offer. He wants this to be business? Fine, tenants don’t help with or pay for the landlords children accommodations. Now, in addition to this, you would not have your own dedicated bedroom, so it’s up to you if that affects what you’re willing to pay. Also, tenants don’t cook, do laundry, or extra chores for their landlords. That is extra and would require a separate contract. Electric, water, wifi, food… you pay 1/5 for your portion and.5 towards your child’s. Because why would you pay for your landlord and his children’s food and utilities? That would be ridiculous. If he wants to get the benefits of being a landlord rather than a partner, then fees need to be divided accordingly.
I’m a lawyer, but not a real estate lawyer, and I don’t know what the laws are in your jurisdiction, BUT: you could consider taking title to the house in an LLC or a trust of some kind. That way you would not have to own 50% of it, but you could have some ownership commensurate with your financial contributions, and you could be protected.
Personally I think this guy is an asshole and you should leave him, live on your own, and sue for child support. But if you decide you want to stay with him, in this house, you might talk to a real estate lawyer near you and see if there is some way to protect you.
NTA. “Letting me live there”. Honestly, throw the whole man out. He doesn’t see you as equal and from what you shared, he’s not even willing to have conversations that include you about how to raise your blended family. Nope.
NTA – it’s obvious OP was never seen as a potential 2nd marriage option, and the baby was probably an accident.
He just seems more concerned for his other kids and himself.
Get your own place and claim the child support.
The fix here is to get married. If he doesn’t want you on the deed or to marry I think this relationship may be done. NTA though.
“I reminded him that at this point, since it’s not going to be “my” house that I could find an apartment for me and our child and then he would be required to pay child support”
—Tell his family that you being saddled with your pension funding the retirement on the back end, having zero equity and him being able to evict at any moment you means you will be implementing this plan. Since it creates insecurity.
His plans to exclude you will absolutely come to a screeching halt.
You’re NTA just find you an apartment I could never tell me woman that ever tbh if he’s making you pay half the mortgage then part of that house is yours too
YTA. How is it different than if you didn’t buy a house and continued to rent? Would you split the rent?
If you split up in 10 years you’ll still have your pension. And you demand the right to take half of his retirement/ loan with you?
It’s his parent’s money and his retirement fund. You are not married. My parents would never loan me money if I was essentially giving 50% of it away if we split.
I would never put a girlfriend/boyfriend on my deed either. But I would never expect them to pay towards the mortgage. It would be more like them paying all the utilities and groceries or something.
NTA. Get that child support.
Don’t move in with him. You don’t have to be married to be committed but he’s talking to you as if he doesn’t owe you anything. You’re the mother of his child and have been with him for 4 years you’re not just a roommate. He doesn’t sound like he’s itching to propose anytime soon either.
NTA sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders about this. Can’t be thinking with your heart when it comes to money. You’re being really smart thinking ahead about this.
YTA
You’re not married and he’s the one buying the house, not you. There’s no way you should be on the deed.
You won’t be paying half the mortgage, you’ll be paying rent. You’re not the owner, just a renter in his house.
That’s the difference between a wife and a girlfriend. Legally, you’re nothing.
100% NTA
Has he already bought the house? If you are actual partners you should both be deciding how much you both can afford to pay for monthly housing costs and go from there. While you have to pay to live somewhere regardless if he owns or a landlord, he should not unilaterally decided the size and expense and demand you pay half. It’s smart to be concerned about your long term financial security and if it’s more cost effective for you to live somewhere else and save you might have to make that choice for your own peace
I can understand you not being on the deed. You’re not putting anything towards the down payment.
I also think you shouldn’t pay anything more than a third of the mortgage.
You’re not buying the house with him. You shouldn’t pay anything for taxes and insurance either.
He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
NTA Stand your ground. And in terms of your future, you are his roommate and nothing more. Keep working bc he has already told you his first kids come first. Don’t count on him to be a part of your future. He’s not counting on it, I promise you. Get your own place. That way you won’t be his and his kids maid and cook and mortgage payer. Freedom is sweet.
Key word boyfriend
Him not putting you on the deed makes the most financial sense for him right now since you aren’t married, but his refusal so have a contract that stipulates you get what you pay into the house back.
You should only be paying whatever the reasonable amount of rent would be for 1/3 of a 3 bedroom/person house. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to charge his son, that’s his right as the homeowner, but you definitely should not pay more rent than is reasonable. Also if the rent route is how you go get a basic tenant landlord lease signed by both of you before you pay him anything, if you don’t own part of the house he can’t expect you to pay for home repairs and needs to be held accountable legally for maintaining the house. Until any of that is done just done please stick to your guns and don’t pay him anything. You deserve legal protection for your money since he clearly hasn’t been receptive to your reasonable request.
Overall voting NAH, he has rights as property owner since it’s his money in the house and you also have your rights as a tenant and need to protect your own money.
NTA, I am in a similar situation just longer term. He has adult children and we have a 5y/o together. I love my partner very much but neither of us want to be married. I didn’t contribute to the down payment but he would happily add me to the title if I wanted. It didn’t bother me either way because of how he has his will structured.
You are absolutely justified in your feelings. I would feel the same and I would never help screw myself and my kid over. I don’t know how common law works where you are but It maybe worth looking into to see what you would be entitled to in the event of a breakup a year or two down the road. He may end up losing half his equity without realizing it. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. Not being married does make this whole situation harder for you, but I don’t care – he’s a prick. I’d dump his ass and never speak to him again unless it has to do with the kids. He doesn’t see you as a partner, he doesn’t see you as an equal, and he doesn’t respect you.
The tea leaves tell me you won’t marry this guy. Only pay him what you would pay for a one bedroom apartment. His house, you pay rent; if you break up, nothing lost on either side.
Consider that you have a child together; if you completely pay your own way then he isn’t supporting his child financially (during the time that you live together). As you mention, your other option is to live on your own and he can provide child support. He should consider that fact when he sets your mutual living budgets.
Recommend you get your own place as you suggested, go your separate ways and let him pay child support. He’s using you to pay for a house he can’t afford on his own.
you should not have had a child with this person.
get your own. get child support.
NTA, if you decide to remain in this relationship and pay rent to your boyfriend. Remember that he is also your landlord, so don’t pay anything towards renovations and stuff like that. It’s his responsibility to take care of the house.
My wife and I were in a similar position when I came to house purchase. We were able to come to reasonable agreement. She paid the whole down payment and we split the mortgage. If we were to ever split and sell the house she would get the down payment amount back and then we split it 50/50 from the rest. Maybe you can suggest that and get it either in a written agreement.
YTA
You are not contributing to the down payment at all. His family is contributing, why would they want you to have half of their gift to their son if something happens and you break up? You are going to be living there so why shouldn’t you help? If he wasn’t buying this wouldn’t you still need to help pay rent? When you pay rent, does your landlord give you your money back when you move out or he sells the house?
ETA if he were to pass away the house wouldn’t go to his adult children it would go to his estate which would then be split between the 3 kids including yours. Most 18 year olds are still in school and are dependants and don’t pay rent or their parents mortgage at that age – I would be offended that you see your kid as your kid but his kid as a roommate smh.
NTA. Get your own place and get child support. Protect yourself.
Half the mortgage sounds like a lot but is (depending on the down payment) possibly a lot cheaper than paying rent? What are the sums on this? Because if half the mortgage is less than the rent of a small apartment you might be able to continue saving?
An agreement is a good idea – and fair. Overall it sounds like your partner isn’t necessarily doing what’s best for you as a family and isn’t making you feel secure for your and your babies future – that’s something to talk to him about without it being about the house.. where does he see your relationship going?
Absolutely NTA. You are looking toward the future and being sensible. Why pay half the mortgage toward something you don’t own?
Don’t let him talk you out of your financial independence.
I hope you get your own place and go after him for child support so you can buy a home for you and your son. I did what he is asking you to do. When he kicked me out of “his” house i had to walk away penniless, while half the mortgage payments went towards his equity.
Don’t do it!
You want security? You get that when you get married. And then have the child. I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like this man really loves you or cares about your interest. If he were to die tomorrow and because you’re not married, you get nothing. Are you his beneficiary if he were to suddenly die? I’m thinking not. You better get the child support/custody thing memorialized for when he kicks you out since you’re more of a FWB roommate.
See an attorney to learn more of what rights each of you have. Just learn; no further action needed.
NTA.
It’s only fair that what you pay in “rent” counts towards your share of the mortgage, even if it’s only a small percentage. Like you said, you have no security at all otherwise. Why is he treating you like a tenant after 4 years and a baby? I don’t think he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, so maybe it’s better to cut your losses now and move on alone.
NTA. The amount of rent I would pay would be 30%. Each occupant represents 20% of the household and I would pay my 20% for myself and half of my child’s 20%. I would contribute 30% to any household utility, groceries and household goods (soaps, cleaners, TP.) I would not contribute any to repairs or upkeep on the house.
I would expect a will to name our child right receive 1/3 inheritance of the house and I would expect 4x your partner’s annual salary to be taken out as life insurance with you named as beneficiary until your child turns 22 (verify with a financial/estate planner what suits your best interests – I have a bit more than 4x for myself to pay off our mortgage if I died.) This isn’t a ride-or-die partnership like you thought so unless and until he fixes that or you get sick of whatever game this is, cover your risks. Take out a 4x your annual salary life insurance policy for yourself with him as the beneficiary too. But don’t hitch your stability to this man, he isn’t concerned about it, so protect yourself.
4yrs in and a baby and this is how he views things. You’re smart to protect yourself, if you don’t get ownership (which is understandable) then an equitable rental should be established, including the adult child.
If he can’t see that he’s asking for everything and giving nothing then you really need to reconsider the relationship. Your pension is irrelevant at this point. This man does not want to commit to you, I’d be moving and filing for child support, he’s no partner.
Check your state laws. Every state varies in terms of property division in this scenario.
You’re NTA, but you’re also about to be in a very precarious situation. I wouldn’t agree to move into the house, unless you two get married. Why was that not an option? Just curious, not judging.
INFO – what are the ages of you and your partner.
Rent elsewhere and ask for child support. It’s your best option tbh.
What are you gonna do living with him? Paying harf the mortgage of a place that’ll never be yours, catering over 3 people that will kick you out very quickly when they feel like it?
NTA and neither is he. You’re in a sticky situation. His debt is his. Your debt is yours. As people who cohabitate, you share expenses. His equity is his. Your equity is yours. He doesn’t owe you his retirement savings as he saved it. You don’t owe him your retirement savings either. Even if you married and signed a prenup, nothing he owned before the marriage is yours.
So this leaves you in a shared expenses situation for living costs (based on two adults and a shared child). If the money he’s investing is making that mortgage a fair split for 2, then you pay half. If your current split is lower and you don’t need more space for gods kids, only agree to pay half the costs based on what you would split normally and also include the fair split on food, utilities, insurance, etc. As someone with no equity in the property you should not pay for his kids or larger square footage of the new residence.
If you have extra money, save for your retirement and your house. Maybe, if you’re still together in 5-10 years, you’ll buy your own place and carry your own mortgage, or you’ll marry and he’ll add you to the deed in exchange for you providing some equity to invest. Being his gf doesn’t earn you a house.
NTA. I think it’s reasonable for him to not want you on the deed since you two aren’t married. I also think your perspective is fair about not wanting to pay half. The house is for 5 people, so it doesn’t seem fair for you to subsidize his children. Like he can’t expect you to be a partner and financially provide for his kids, but then you’re also not enough his partner to deserve equity in the home.
If he wants you in the home, he should treat you as a tenant and charge a rent rate on par with someone renting a room in a house in the area, because you are sharing common spaces, bathrooms, etc. I think your plan is also really sound to get your own place and put him on child support. It’s up to you to decide what this has taught you about your boyfriend and whether or not you want to continue living with him.
In most states you can file for child support even if you live with the father of the child as long as you’re unmarried.
I imagine that would pay for a large portion of your portion of the payment. 😉
What is the difference in cash between what you would be paying for half the mortgage vs what you would be paying in rent if you go get a place?
How much money did he and his family put down?
Hard to understand what’s going on without the numbers.
You don’t see how it’s a little unfair for you to get half ownership without having contributed to the down at all?
What are the numbers?
NTA. You have a child to care for, their interest comes first. If your boyfriend at this point doesn’t want to put a ring on it, then you can’t count on him ever doing so. For the welfare of your child’s future, stay the course. Get your own place and keep your financial independence. Whn your BF offers you ring, consider things at that time.
Every time we see a post like that, it’s unmarried people living together. Women should never agree to that. You lose all leverage and then stuff like this happens. He should have to marry you to get a live-in partner. That is your security. This point has nothing to do with religion, as I’m not a religious person. This is entirely a negotiation principle.
Okay. But now we’re here. It’s his family donating the money to pay for the down payment, plus him emptying out his retirement (a very bad idea, btw). You guys are not married and apparently have separate finances. So, on paper, this really does sound like just his house. The baby is probably his occupant. Op is a tenant. Tenants pay rent, and have renters’ rights, but not equity. So even if he and op break up, op has tenants’ rights and would likely have to be evicted if she refused to leave.
NTA. He has not offered any solution or arrangement that takes your needs into account. That gives you important information about where you stand with him.
Check the law in your area. Where I live, you eventually are entitled to half your partner’s assets just from being in a relationship long enough. Get your ducks in a row, talk to a lawyer. Then make sure HE knows what the law is. Because if he’s hoping to cut you out of the deal, it may not actually work that way. Your government might have laws protecting you from that.
NTA, but you are not married. I understand why he would not want to put your name on the deed. Buying a house is a huge financial investment. He should treat you as a tenant, I don’t think paying 50/50 of the bills is fair you will be providing in someway for his adult kids, they are not your responsibilities. He is the home owner though it is up to him to decide how much you need to contribute.
Four years and a baby still not marring you are you serious? Stop wasting your time. You need to do what is best for you and your child. He does not see you as an equal. Don’t move in with him. Move on.
NTA. You need to secure your rights. The people saying otherwise here seem to have never owned property since you can secure the down payment with a side agreement.
A friend of mine just got badly burned in a very similar scenario. She “bought” a house with her fiance. He put the down payment in place and it was in his name. She paid half the mortgage and most of the home renovations. They agreed they would deal with the ownership after they married. Due to some unrelated issues, the wedding was delayed a few years.
He died unexpectedly and the house passed to his adult children and not her. A court fight is now in progress. Don’t be my friend.
I won’t say YTA, but I will say I would handle it the same way he is. Baby or not, you guys have chosen not to marry. He’d be 200% the AH if you guys were married and chosen to merge your lives legally. If I were gifting my adult child down payment money, and they were pulling from their retirement, I would fully expect you not to be on the deed, and would be advising them that way. It would be a disaster for him financially if you guys split up. Maybe negotiate your portion of the rent down since he has 2 extra kids, but it’s unreasonable for you to feel you should jointly own his house. You have no skin in the game, and aren’t his wife. If you plan to marry, I’d have that conversation now because it’s relevant.
ESH. You’re. Not. Married. You have no legal right to be on the deed, nor should you be. If you were to break up, you’d be stuck paying for a house you don’t live in. Why would you want that? No. You want to live in his house, then only do so with a formal lease agreement. Yeah, it sounds weird to be paying rent to your so, but the trade off is legal protections for you. Now he can’t just randomly kick you out. He’d have to go through the full legal process to do so. And if he won’t agree to that, then leave and never look back. Get an apartment for you and your kids and enjoy your peace.
NTA My friend’s dad and his dad’s ex went in on a house; she wasn’t on the deed, but did contribute to the mortgage. Once they split, she presented records of all the payments she made and was rightfully entitled to 30% of the sale value of the house.
All this to say that house as long as it is brought after your marriage depending on the state is automatically a martial asset and you whether your name is on the deed or not if you are pay into it are entitled to half of it’s value if the marriage were to dissolve or your husband were to die. Talk to a real estate lawyer to confirm.
Edited to add: If you are not married, I would still talk to a lawyer to see what you do have a right to, especially if you contribute to paying the mortgage, whether married or not.
NTA. You’re using that logic stuff. Especially how your retirement savings will support him, and if you move out, he’ll have to play child support. You’re a lot smarter than him.
Maybe he needs it explained in a male voice… inverse mansplaining. It may seem silly, but I would put all your arguments in a text file and filter it through a text-to-speech app like NaturalReader, using one of the male voices, and play it for him. I’d also put together a financial projection of what your retirement savings vs his will look like at age 67.
If I were you, I’d on the QT consult a divorce/family law attorney to work out your post-him scenarios. Protect yourself and your kid.
I’ve had crap like this happen IRL, where I (F55, at the time) said something to a guy who shot it down, and 15 minutes later a man joining us, who hadn’t heard the previous exchange, said the same thing word-for-word, and he agreed to it. I think I groaned, and the guy said, “What?” I’m not making this up. There was even a witness who saw the whole thing. We just exchanged a head shake and a sigh, and the guy said, “What?” again.
NTA. This man is not looking to marry you or build a future with you. That’s why you’re not on the mortgage.
You offered reasonable compromises, and he’s still not budging. Since you live there, it’s fair to contribute something, but expecting you to pay half is ridiculous.
Also, I wouldn’t trust a man who liquidates his 401(k) just to make a larger down payment, especially when he barely had one to begin with. Even with current interest rates, he would’ve gotten a better return keeping his 401(k). He could have always refinanced later.
Cut your losses and find someone who actually wants to build a life and walk through fire with you.
NTA. You’re 100% correct.
If he wants to have 100% deed ownership of the house, you should enter into a lease contract with him, clearly defining what you pay in rent, and what you pay in utilities.
All mortgage payments are his responsibility. All improvements or repairs are his responsibility. The lease will protect you from being evicted without appropriate notice.
And if he demands a rent too high? Execute on your plan to find your own place and make him pay child support.
This is literally how women end up in shelters, and the father has a home so he gets full custody of the children.
OP, Say NO!!! Get mad. This is sooo disrespectful.
If after 4 years and a baby he will not marry you, then your relationship is over.
Marriage provides security for retirement and emergencies. Your partner is saying he is only concerned about his children, and you are the nanny / maid.
Bytheway the 17 year old will be an adult soon. You would only be responsible for 1/4 of the rent and bills, with 4 adults living there. If your partner does not want to charge the grown children rent, then he pays 3/4 himself.
His parents clearly meant to help your family, and your boyfriend showed his selfishness. Of course he is arguing with you. He will complain and complain until he gets his way. He will not listen to your reasoning, then he would have to admit you have rights.
You absolutely cannot work a lifetime to have nothing when you are old. Equity in a home is the most money most Americans will ever have.
OP please think long term. In a few years you could have a new relationship, a loving husband, and a home with your name on the deed. You must look out for yourself for when YOU are old. Stop wasting time on this boyfriend. Go find yourself a man who loves you and treats you with respect.
ESH. he shouldnt put you on the deed unless you are married. He shouldn’t have access to your pension unless you are married. Why aren’t you married? If you don’t want to marry get your own place. I’m not necessarily the hugest fan of marriage as an institution but if you have a kid together and want a house together, marriage offers legal protections for everyone.
Perhaps there is a creative solution to the matter that could be acceptable to both. What if the down payment that between him and his parents, gets registered as a lien in favour of himself so that value is retained by him (if not a lien perhaps there is some kind of legal instrument to be put on title, an encumbrance to his credit) and at the time of closing he also get a will done. And at this time require him to get a life insurance policy even if a modest one to ensure your ability to raise the dependant child well. If you put your name on title you will need to qualify for the mortgage—that is a bank requirement. Also, know that marriage voids a will.
Even if not married, depending on where you are, you’d have rights to the house. He misses that.
NTA. Protect yourself at all costs!!! If he’s not willing to make sure you get your money back when the house sells, he doesn’t deserve your input.
Def look into ‘common law marriage’ laws in your area and act accordingly. File for child support and maybe consider if this is the person you want to continue your life with if he’s not looking out for your best interests. I get that he’s been married before so maybe he’s hesitant to give so much away this time, but that equally means you need to protect yourself.
I agree with him. If I was taking money out of my retirement account and my parents were giving me money to buy a house that would 100% be under my name. If anything happens where we break up, I wouldn’t have a retirement and the house would be my fallback financially. You guys also aren’t married so it’s important to have those separated. If you don’t want to pay half the mortgage for living in a shared house then you guys should figure out different ways to split the money or a new living situation.
I understand both sides. NAH He puts down a huge amount of money, and you don’t. You are not married. So your roommate situation is close to the truth, and you are right – with 3 adults, you don’t have to pay half. Look around. How much rent for suitable apartment would cost, and how it compares with amount you supposed to pay in this house. Plus, what about groceries, bulls etc. What about childcare and household chores – who does them. If you are expected to clean after him and his children, you would be better off alone.
NTA. But you have indulged him enough.
If not living with him, you’d be renting and paying someone else, also not gaining equity.
NTA, but YWBTA to yourself for not seriously considering whether you want a future with this guy. You have offered him a variety of perfectly reasonable options and explained the importance of securing both your own and your shared child’s future financial security, and he refuses to do anything other than what he wants. This won’t be the last time your concerns are invalidated when rhey inconvenience him.
Also: he’s letting you live in his house that he cannot afford the mortgage payments for without your financial contribution? How very magnanimous of him! Your entire future is going to be a series of situations in which his money is his money, and your money is shared money.
Couldn’t even buy a house without retirement + bank of Mum and Dad? And he treats you like a room mate? Sounds like a real winner there.
Do not move in and seek custody.
Find a partner that will treat you with respect. You are a doormat to him.
I wouldn’t pay any of the mortgage if I’m not on the deed
IDK. You’re not married and you’re not taking on the debt/ risk. The fact that you didn’t put down any money kinda makes it even out with half the mortgage for a while.
I know you’re talking about pension, but that’s assuming y’all get married and stay married and your pension is enough for both of you to live off of. SOOOO many assumptions
What he is doing makes perfect sense. However since you’re one person in a house of 4 I could see how you’d rather only pay 25% and that would be valid.
> I reminded him that at this point, since it’s not going to be “my” house that I could find an apartment for me and our child and then he would be required to pay child support. And if he paid child support and didn’t have my contribution to the mortgage or bills he absolutely would not be able to afford the house with me.
Frankly this isn’t helping your argument. He’s asking you to pay because he is trying to mitigate his financial risk. Threatening more damage isn’t exactly helpful to finding a resolutions.
There are a lot of reasons people used to wait until after marriage to have kids and buy property. You’re highlighting a lot of them.
NTA. Don’t live with this guy.
The most important question here is why her partner doesn’t want her and their child (together) to have any sort of future security? He definitely does not see her as being long term.
INFO : the rent you are currently paying – if you have to pay all of it yourself, is it more than the half mortgage you would be paying?
Option 1. You both sign an agreement that your name goes on the deed, but in the event you split, he will be paid out his down payment and then the remaining value will be split 50 50.
Option 2. You move out an he can pay child support.
Do not move into that house unless your name is on the deed. This is the hill to die on.
If I’m paying a mortgage, I’m on the deed. If I’m not on the deed, I’m not paying the mortgage. You paying a mortgage that you aren’t on the deed for is literally giving equity to somebody else.
NTA. “his family graciously offered to give us a large down payment for a house” — oh no, no. It’s clear he isn’t taking you into consideration, nor this child, but his parents are. His parents care for you more than he does. Just, wow is he an asshole. I think I’d book on out of there. He gets no house now, without you. Too bad, so sad. Get child support & move on from this man. Good luck
If you were married, this would be a problem. You aren’t though, and he’s making sure you can’t financially ruin him should the relationship dissolve. Since it’s him and his parents putting the down payment and you aren’t, of course you’re not on the paper.
I’ve never had a relationship where when I lived with them I didn’t have to contribute financially to the bills. I view a relationship as a team and if someone isn’t pitching in when they 100% can and agreed to, yikes.
NTA – move out and get the child support.
You were very reasonable. I would start looking into an apartment and child support.
NTA. 1/3rd or put a ring on it if not on deed. BTW, if he died your son would be a heir as well as his previous 2 kids.
NTA. Do NOT move into the house if your name is not on it. It will always be thrown in your face. It already has and the house doesn’t ev3n exist yet. You also would have no security. If you won’t be on it, just focus on your and the baby’s future. Check the child support calculator in your area. If you can make it on your own, that’s for the best. It would be a nightmare if he died in 20 years and you lost your home. I wouldn’t want to put myself at risk.
INFO: do you currently work? Or are you a SAHM?
I get both sides and this is a very normal thing to argue about. I’m not completely sure how mortgage payments are structured where you live but where I live there is a clear distinction of interest and lowering the principle. If you move into his house that he owns by himself, you should pay your part of the interest and other costs related to the house but you should not be paying to lower the principal because that is not actually a cost but rather a form of forced saving.
NAH just because of how common of a misunderstanding this is.
Firstly I can’t believe you are able to empty your retirement fund (superannuation in Australia) to buy anything. that’s so irresponsible. But NTA! If you are expected to pay half that mortgage then you should be on the deed.
YTA – you are not putting anything down, and he’s putting a TON down. Half the mortgage for your part of the rent may not be entirely fair, but it’s a lot closer to fair than you wanting equal right to the house putting nothing down. You want wife privileges as a girlfriend
You want wife privileges, but you’re just a babymama
What’s half the mortgage?
Sometimes that means less than half a rental, in which case you’d be getting a deal.
Unless you are purchasing the home with him you should not be on the deed and you would rationally owe whoever you live with rent. Don’t think of it as paying half the mortgage because you arent. You’d be paying your landlord, him, and he uses your rent to pay his own mortgage like every other landlord.
He would also be solely responsible for maintenance and upkeep like other landlords. If he asks you to go in on upgrades that’s when you demand equity. Otherwise busted appliances, repair jobs, all on him.
Also he can dictate who owes what. He could demand you pay twice what his mortgage is if that’s comparable to half a rental in your area. One of the perks of owning. My mortgage is very small compared to the going rate. If I rented it out id rent it at x3 the mortgage.
NTA
Just nope. The getting a written agreement for your contribution is very reasonable. That’s not rent you’re paying- that’s part of his mortgage. And if he can’t afford it without you, then he can’t afford it without putting you on the house in some way- either by an agreement to your contributions or by your name on the deed
Honestly, just start looking for an apartment. Either way, youd be paying into something you don’t own, but at least you’re gonna get a lease from an apartment as protection.
Do not pay any mortgage pay bills that’s it
NTA. Don’t do it without a legal document. You are in a relationship, with a child. Unfortunately, you don’t have the protection of marriage here, but you may have rights as a parent and under some so called “palimony” type laws. DO get a consult with a lawyer. We’re not lawyers here.
If you are paying into the house payments you should get equity, same as your bf. This is not at all like a typical renter’s situation where you are essentially a stranger to the landlord. This is the father of your child. Someone who’s supposedly on your side.
Sounds as if he wants to use you.
I mean, if you really wanted to be ta, you could agree, but then move in and not do it. Sock all your money away in a savings account he doesn’t know about. Then just bide your time until he either makes this right, or kicks you out.
Frankly, the way he’s acting, if it were me? I would pretty much consider this over. The house and money means more to him than the mother of his child and his child. Blech.
You’re not married and he’s taking on the loan. No. You don’t get on the deed. Some of the biggest mistakes young couples make is decisions like this. Do not buy a house unless married.
A better choice. A life insurance policy. You have a child together… he should have one & you should be the beneficiary.
Think about it. If you break up, you get to walk away. He can’t. He has to pay for a house. If you were on the deed, neither of you are getting the house. You’re selling or one is coming up with cash to buy the other out.
Think about this and seek a professional if you’re unsure of how it all works.
INFO: How old are you both? For him to have older teen children vs your first baby is under 1, there’s potentially a significant age gap which may contribute to my judgement.
Also, do you plan on having more children? Are you two happy in this relationship? Planning for the worst is understandable, but the whole post feels like you’re both afraid of being screwed over.
Tbh you sound like a goldigger.
NTA for not wanting to put money into something you don’t have legal protections for. If you’re both paying into it then you should both be on the deed. I’d be upset too if my significant other pulled this kind of nonsense on me, especially if we have a kid together.
Is get my own place & get child support.
YTA, and dude is super smart to not fall into that trap.
I think you are both being aholes. What would be cheaper for you? Half mortgage or a 1bed1bath apt? I think those are your choices
ESH. Come on you guys.
Him:
Not being flexible on you paying 50% of the mortgage and being unwilling to consider compromises sucks. Acting like his adult child not contributing to expenses is your burden sucks.
You:
Expecting 50% equity in an investment that he 100% made sucks. Asserting that you will support him in retirement when you aren’t even engaged is just silly. Jumping to “I’ll put you on child support” to win the situation is disgusting.
Y’all need to grow up and sort your shit out. Put together a legal agreement that states that if you break up, you’ll each be entitled to equity relative to the % you contributed. Get legal wills done up to provide security in the event of his death. Suck less. It’s not that difficult.