The past few years I (F21) watched my mom battle through cancer until she was diagnosed stage 4 October 2024 and passed January 2025. I had a really traumatic experience caring for her full time until eventually watching her have grand mal seizures and soon after, pass. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. No doubt I have CPTSD. I have moments I freeze and get stuck in my mind where all I see is those moments with my mom. When I see anyone or anything have a seizure I freeze up and dissociate. When I go to hospitals I get angry. When I see a fucking bomb pop I cringe. I’ll never eat a Chick-fil-A sandwhich again.
LSS
My boyfriend’s grandma is going down the same path. Violence, confusion, anger, not eating, can’t get around on her own, hallucinations. Things I recently saw my mom go through and now BF’s mom will call us a lot and repeat over and over the things she’s doing or what she’s experiencing with grandma. I try to be there for her and such, but it’s giving me flashbacks and really bad anxiety. She wants us to come see her, and I want to see her too, but I’m nervous how I will react, and how I will feel afterwards. I cry, have panic attacks, and hide my emotions a lot bc I know this is for me to deal with and no one else. Anyways, this morning I express this to my bf and he says I’m being selfish and making this about myself. Am I? I’m doing my best to be here for him, but it doesn’t feel like he’s considering that I’m experiencing this all over again. I’ve been working on setting better boundaries but is this a boundary I can set? He deserves for me to be there for him, ofcourse, and I want to be. He was there for me through my experience. But I don’t feel I’m going to do a good job. When I try to make him feel seen by relating to him, he sees it as my making it about myself. I know this is a little scattered so bear with me. What do you think? I’m open to being wrong about this.
EDIT: My bf doesn’t know about the CPSTD and I don’t discuss it with him I usually experience those emotions alone because I don’t want to bother him with it anymore
Another edit: I am in therapy y’all!!
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The past few years I (F21) watched my mom battle through cancer until she was diagnosed stage 4 October 2024 and passed January 2025. I had a really traumatic experience caring for her full time until eventually watching her have grand mal seizures and soon after, pass. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. No doubt I have CPTSD. I have moments I freeze and get stuck in my mind where all I see is those moments with my mom. When I see anyone or anything have a seizure I freeze up and dissociate. When I go to hospitals I get angry. When I see a fucking bomb pop I cringe. I’ll never eat a Chick-fil-A sandwhich again.
LSS
My boyfriend’s grandma is going down the same path. Violence, confusion, anger, not eating, can’t get around on her own, hallucinations. Things I recently saw my mom go through and now BF’s mom will call us a lot and repeat over and over the things she’s doing or what she’s experiencing with grandma. I try to be there for her and such, but it’s giving me flashbacks and really bad anxiety. She wants us to come see her, and I want to see her too, but I’m nervous how I will react, and how I will feel afterwards. I cry, have panic attacks, and hide my emotions a lot bc I know this is for me to deal with and no one else. Anyways, this morning I express this to my bf and he says I’m being selfish and making this about myself. Am I? I’m doing my best to be here for him, but it doesn’t feel like he’s considering that I’m experiencing this all over again. I’ve been working on setting better boundaries but is this a boundary I can set? He deserves for me to be there for him, ofcourse, and I want to be. He was there for me through my experience. But I don’t feel I’m going to do a good job. When I try to make him feel seen by relating to him, he sees it as my making it about myself. I know this is a little scattered so bear with me. What do you think? I’m open to being wrong about this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole because even though I’ve been through this experience too, doesn’t mean I’m the only person to ever feel this way. It’s important to me that I am there for those that I love, and love me too.
I feel as though when I brought up how it’s making me feel, that I am going about this the wrong way, and being selfish.
If the roles were reversed I would probably be upset that my situation would be put to the wayside to discuss something different entirely.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Holy fuck NTA. He fucking said that?? To YOU??? Like, yeah, cancer is really bad for everyone. But he’s not exactly acting as his grandmother’s caretaker is he?? And going through this with a grandparent is SO DIFFERENT from going through this with your Mom. Oh, hun. I’m so sorry.
OP – presumably he was there for you but now you’re not willing to be there for him. Life doesn’t always give us time to fully heal before the next situation happens and some resilience is needed.
A relationship is about showing up for people. All he’s seeing and hearing right now is that you’re so absorbed in yourself that you can’t show up for him when he needs you.
If the roles were reversed and his grandmom had cancer before your Mom and then he told you, nah I have CPTSD so you have to deal with your Mom’s situation on your own, how would you feel?
I don’t see how you take a back seat in supporting him here.
My Dad and FIL died within a couple years of each other. My FIL first. Both from strokes. I would have been devastated if my husband said he had PTSD from his Dad and couldn’t be there for me. I don’t know if I could have let it go esp as I was there for my husband and my Dad was my first parent to pass.
Get a grip, get therapy – but to not show up is a cop out. Work out a compromise. If not, then you’re showing him it’s only ever going to be about you. YTA.
I’m concerned by the fact that when you try to relate to him, and he says you’re making it about yourself. Of course, it’s impossible to judge without being there, but you should be able to relate without him making you feel bad about it. In fact, knowing his isn’t alone should be a comfort. That may be something you need to reflect on. Either you’re approaching relating to him in a way that does make it feel like you’re making it about yourself or he’s toxic. The former is an honest mistake you can work on. The latter is a reason to leave.
If he really doesn’t know about your CPTSD, you need to tell him about it to explain why you shouldn’t go. If he doesn’t know how much seeing those things affect you, then it could seem like you’re being dramatic when you really aren’t. If he did know, he would be the asshole in this situation IMO.
NTA, but your boyfriend might be.
You say you’re trying to get better with boundaries but that’s nowhere near the same as dealing with your grief and trauma. You need to deal with that so you can be there for your boyfriend, as he was there for you.
YTA. I don’t even know what boundary you’re trying to set here. That you cannot be part of his grandma’s illness? Just know that you can set whatever boundary you want but boundaries have consequences, so be prepared if he says he won’t be in a relationship where he isn’t supported through family illness-as that’s a boundary he’s allowed to set for himself as well. And when boundaries conflict you aren’t compatible. You not working on your trauma may cost you this relationship.
It sounds like you want to be there, and be supportive of him and his family. Do the best you can. It may be of assistance to your own healing too. That’s all you can expect of yourself. You’re NTA.
Whether BF is, it depends on how aware he is of your situation and how he’s doing with his GM’s illness. Based on the post, he could well be the AH as it’s not your job to be the dumping ground for his emotions regarding the situation.
I can relate on some level. I had to set boundaries with my mother, asking her to stop fully venting to me all the time about the situation, because it started to affect me and make me a much more depressed person, over things I cannot control. It’s been better since.
My dad is in assisted living due to parkinsons. I moved back home to help when he was still home and it wasn’t so bad. After years it worsened and mom could no longer solo care for him. So moved to assisted living.
She would often call, text, show up at my house randomly and vent about what he’s doing, what the staff is doing/not doing, little things. Never-ending. I put up with it for months because I understand it’s a hard position and she tries her best to see him everyday and wants the best for him. It did start to affect me mental health though. I had to have a serious conversation and set boundaries. She didn’t take it well at first and had a couple outburst/guilt trips. I stayed firm and on one occasion that was over the line called my aunt/her sister to talk to her.
She apologized, we talked again, and things are good now. She still vents but it’s not all the time and manageable for me.
My advice see what you can handle and talk about it honestly. Set boundaries if and when needed.
You’re not – and can’t be – TA for your emotional response to your BF’s grandma’s cancer. It is what it is. What *can* make you TA is how you choose to deal with that response. Your choice seems to be to put up walls (“boundaries”) and to “experience those emotions alone.” How do you expect your BF to understand what you’re going through without sharing it in some way.
But, most importantly:
>He was there for me through my experience.
You owe him reciprocity and to be there for him as he goes through this. It will be hard, but you don’t even mention any tools or support you’re might be using (therapy?) to make it easier. That part, and that part alone, makes YTA. You owe it both to yourself and to him to do better.
NTA but it sounds like you need therapy to help you learn to deal with that trauma. Talk to your boyfriend about it, help him understand what you are experiencing rather than internalizing it.
Alot of those symptoms don’t sound like most cancers, so I’m confused about this. I think OP may be conflating or transferring experiences to a non-related subject (bf’s grandmom)
Either way, OP you are still traumatized and it’s not helpful to anyone for you to be back in that situation.
NTA grief is hard. CPTSD is when harder.
Explain your PTSD to your BF. He was there for you, do your best to be there for him.
A boundary is not “you can’t ask me to reciprocate being there for your family member going through cancer”
If he was there for you, he deserves to be able to ask you to do the same. Do you not think that he might go through the exact pain that you experienced, or do you think your pain is more special/harder than his? That’s where YTA, because if you choose to not go through it with him, it to some extent implies that you just think he’ll be ok/ won’t be as upset as you- because you’ll be making him go through it by himself
YTA. If your boyfriend was there for you while your mom was going through it, you OWE it to him to be there for him.
Either be there for him and try and not make it about you as he says or break up with him.