My boyfriend (26M) hosted a 4th of July get together yesterday for a few of our friends yesterday. We were all having a great time until about 10PM until one of the couples had to leave to go take care of their pets (which is totally understandable) so that left us and another couple.
For a little bit of background, I have been having some health issues over the last few weeks that ended up with me in the ER twice and I haven’t been feeling well over the last few days, including yesterday. Earlier in the day he picked me up and drove me to his house to help get ready. I couldn’t find my bathing suit and said “I wish I would have driven my own car” (not in an aggressive tone, just saying it) and he snapped and said “well you didn’t have to come with me”. I was not feeling well and that really felt out of pocket so I walked back to my house (a 10 minute walk). He then apologized (although now I think it was to keep the peace) and told me he’d like if I still went to the party, so I did.
Anyways, all of a sudden him and his friend (let’s call him E) started planning to go out to a bar. My boyfriend even called and confirmed that they could stay until four am. Didn’t ask me or check in if that’s okay, which is fine: I don’t need to be part of everything. It’s important to also note I have a severe sleep disorder that greatly affects my life. Obviously (since I wasn’t feeling well) I told them I was going to head home. E was surprised and said “you’re not coming?” and I made a joke about how it was past my bedtime. I packed up my things and as I am walking out my boyfriend asks “are you staying at my house?” and I said no, I’m going home.
He texts me when I get home and asks if everything is okay and I say yes. I’m pretty frustrated at that point because the whole night took a turn I wasn’t expecting but I didn’t want to start a conversation about it because he has (once in the past) screamed at me while drunk so I avoid having conversations when he has been drinking. He said “okay” and I liked the message.
I wake up this morning and he says he wants space because he’s upset that I liked his message and thinks I was rude to leave. He was also mad that I didn’t tell him something was wrong. I explained to him that I was hurt that he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go and I didn’t even know he wanted me to go until someone else asked me why I wasn’t going. I also explained that I didn’t want to be woken up by him drunk at 4AM when I could just go home and that I don’t like being around him drunk. He then reiterated that he wants space because of this.
Did I mess up here? Should I have stayed or explained myself?
Just some extra info: he is genuinely the most gentle and loving person I’ve ever met. One of a kind kind of dude. We are both very stubborn people so sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if I’m right or wrong in a situation.
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My boyfriend (26M) hosted a 4th of July get together yesterday for a few of our friends yesterday. We were all having a great time until about 10PM until one of the couples had to leave to go take care of their pets (which is totally understandable) so that left us and another couple.
For a little bit of background, I have been having some health issues over the last few weeks that ended up with me in the ER twice and I haven’t been feeling well over the last few days, including yesterday. Earlier in the day he picked me up and drove me to his house to help get ready. I couldn’t find my bathing suit and said “I wish I would have driven my own car” (not in an aggressive tone, just saying it) and he snapped and said “well you didn’t have to come with me”. I was not feeling well and that really felt out of pocket so I walked back to my house (a 10 minute walk). He then apologized (although now I think it was to keep the peace) and told me he’d like if I still went to the party, so I did.
Anyways, all of a sudden him and his friend (let’s call him E) started planning to go out to a bar. My boyfriend even called and confirmed that they could stay until four am. Didn’t ask me or check in if that’s okay, which is fine: I don’t need to be part of everything. It’s important to also note I have a severe sleep disorder that greatly affects my life. Obviously (since I wasn’t feeling well) I told them I was going to head home. E was surprised and said “you’re not coming?” and I made a joke about how it was past my bedtime. I packed up my things and as I am walking out my boyfriend asks “are you staying at my house?” and I said no, I’m going home.
He texts me when I get home and asks if everything is okay and I say yes. I’m pretty frustrated at that point because the whole night took a turn I wasn’t expecting but I didn’t want to start a conversation about it because he has (once in the past) screamed at me while drunk so I avoid having conversations when he has been drinking. He said “okay” and I liked the message.
I wake up this morning and he says he wants space because he’s upset that I liked his message and thinks I was rude to leave. He was also mad that I didn’t tell him something was wrong. I explained to him that I was hurt that he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go and I didn’t even know he wanted me to go until someone else asked me why I wasn’t going. I also explained that I didn’t want to be woken up by him drunk at 4AM when I could just go home and that I don’t like being around him drunk. He then reiterated that he wants space because of this.
Did I mess up here? Should I have stayed or explained myself?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I left the party instead of sticking it out and I didn’t tell him why I left 2) am I the asshole for not explaining why I left or why I was leaving?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA here but you’d be an asshole to stay with someone so diligently presenting his red flags
NTA but he is one giant red flag. Red banner even. Choose yourself.
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ESH. He’s being aggressively snappy and not thinking about your feelings. He shouldn’t be yelling at you ever either, drunk isn’t a good excuse unless he stops drinking.
Meanwhile you’re actively pretending things are fine while building up resentment to dump during a later fight. This is incredibly unhealthy and will poison any relationship. Fr sounds like maybe y’all should break up
NTA. He’s immature at the very least and I also think there are lots of red flags in how he treats you. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a healthy situation. You should be treated with respect at the very least and his behavior is far from it. Give him his space… lots of it. But most importantly, know that you deserve way better. There are plenty of people out there who are not immature or unhealed like this one. Know your value.
The only way you messed up is staying with a mean drunk and expecting him to magically be a better person.
NTA for leaving – why not keep going and don’t look back?
PS he’s being such an ass this morning because he’s hung over or still drunk from last night.
Give him a ton of space and be unavailable for awhile. Your bf seems very choosy, will be with you when it’s convenient for him, and by the sounds of it has a drinking problem. Back away and do your own thing.
NTA. You’re an adult. You’re not obligated to go out with your boyfriend. You’re allowed to go back to your place and sleep in your own bed if that’s what you want to do. Not everyone wants to go out drinking until 4am.
You didn’t try to stop him from going out. He’s allowed to be disappointed that you didn’t go with him, but he should respect your choices. If he doesn’t, its a problem.
(Also, if he’s not someone you want to be around when he’s drunk, you may want to reconsider the relationship.)
Nta,
The two of you are not compatible. Also if you don’t like him when he drinks you shouldn’t stay with him. He doesn’t have the maturity or care to take on your health /disorders/ emotions. I know society says, “Grow up & get with a person to make a family. However, you shouldn’t just stay with someone because you can put up with their bad behavior. It’s better to give 20 guys a chance than to give 20 chances to the same guy. Dump him & go try out a different model. You are bound to find a fit or realize it’s better to be alone with pets & friends than to stay with a crappy person.
Of the millions of men in the world, you’re willing to settle for HIM? Girl, love yourself a little more and take LOTS of space from him, permanently. Don’t you think you deserve better than that?
NTA. Give him space. Sounds like you two are in different places in your life.
Take time and heal from your health issues. He doesn’t sound empathetic, so then decide what to do from there.
NTA. He can have all the space he needs because HE is the AH. And it’s never okay if he yells at you I hope you know that.
ESH. If you want to do better, you need to express discomfort or disappointment in the moment, not expect your boyfriend to guess. And if he wants to do better, he should be more present and considerate, especially knowing you’re ill.
This seems like a classic case of judging everyone else by their actions, but judging yourself by your intent.
NTA
You are dating a selfish child that happens to be old enough to drink
If you were not feeling well I think you should have stayed home I noted a couple of things while I was reading this.
I think you guys are not compatible and you should break up. He does something that you don’t like. He drinks and you don’t like it when he drinks, so this will be a forever on going thing.
You are not compatible with each other if somebody that you are with does something that you don’t like. You cannot expect him to stop doing it. This will be a forever fight for the entire time that you guys are together.
If somebody does something you don’t like, you should not be with them.
That means that you are not compatible. We cannot change people to mold them into something we want them to be. We accept each other for who we are or we find somebody who is more like what we want.
Another thing that I noted is that he can’t read your mind. How was he supposed to know that something is bothering you if you don’t say it? I get that you say that you didn’t want to speak up when he was drinking but you know that his drinking bothers you so again, he’s doing something you don’t like, you know he’s going to do something you don’t like, and then you get mad at him and expect him to know that you’re upset.
The last thing that I wanted to mention is that you guys don’t live together. You’re not married. He does not need your permission to go out with his friends and have drinks. He is an adult and he does not need your permission.
So all that being said I think that you are the AH.
NTA. Give him the space he wants and use this to decide what you want. Is this a one off or regular behavior. Do you like being treated like this? Are you happy in this relationship? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Use the answers to these questions to guide you in figuring out what you want to do. Good luck.
ESH- you and your boyfriend I mean. This is passive aggressiveness at its finest. People are not mind readers and it feels like you both are just in quiet judgement and resentment without saying anything of significance at the appropriate time.
NTA. If you don’t like drunk him, and he continues to drink, he is choosing alcohol over you.
NTA – but you may want to ask him to better articulate what he thinks a serious relationship looks like.
Does he think couples are supposed to do everything together (constantly joined at the hop)? Or is it healthy for people, even within a committed relationship, to have lives outside the things they do together with their partner?
Does he think both men and women in a monogamous relationship should still have autonomy, or does he think women are supposed to be subservient to men?
Had you, without talking to him, around 9pm thanked everyone for coming, but strongly implied it was time for everyone to go…. Would that have been an acceptable thing for you to do? If not – why was it okay for him to make plans for you, without talking to you about them… And then to be so bent out of shape about the fact you didn’t want to do the thing he wanted to do (that he presume you would do without talking to you about it first) that he wants to take a break in the relationship?
NTA. Time to find a better boy friend but I know you won’t. So ill wait for your AITA post few years down the line when it’s my husband went drinking with his buddies and left me with 2 kids at home
ESH. Why were you not just honest? You sound sulky.. but he needs to drink less and communicate better.
He does not sound like a kind person… You are not feeling well and he cajoles you into going to a party and then proceeds to behave in a dismissive and exclusionary manner.
You need to stand up for yourself. You were in the ER, and are still not feeling well?? Why are you putting up with this behavior, especially under these conditions.
Take a step back. Do NOT apologize. But DO reevaluate the relationship.
I was married to a man for 18 years , and I had to try to keep peace constantly because he drank- run.
If he is so loving and gentle, why is he being so inconsiderate?
I don’t know what sleep disorder you have, but as someone with narcolepsy, I can tell you not everyone will be understanding, or just want to live with the adjustments you have to make. You have to take care of yourself, and if it’s something you can never cure, you have to structure your life in certain ways that may not always be easy. My husband gets frustrated sometimes with my lack of energy and wanting to leave places early, but ultimately he has my back and makes me take care of myself. If your boyfriend can’t do that, he’s not worthy of you.
Take the space. He doesn’t sound like a very kind person.