Hi there – A group of three friends ( we are acutally friends – one person is my neighbor, not a group of strangers) and I had been planning a trip to summit Mt. Whitney for about a year. We have done multiple hiking trips together, but this was the “big” one, a first for all of us. The permitting process is competitive, but we were lucky enough to score a permit. Well – two and a half weeks before our trip, two of the group members found additional permits to go to Whitney ahead of time, with other friends. They said they were just going to go up to “practice” (which we actually did at Whitney prior, just going through the lower trails but not summiting). But – they ended up summiting. Honestly, I was pretty upset about this – for me, the summit was about doing this together, have the first together, the celebratory cheers after, and the group bonding. The fact that they went ahead and did this with another group changed the dynamic for me, and I felt like it was pretty offputting – so I decided I was going to back out of the trip. When I told the group that their early summit changed the dynamic of the hike for the rest of the group (the other woman was not happy about it either) they dismissed it – and basically “thanked me” for giving them a springboard to summit. Then said that when I do decide to summit Whitney, they will have a lot of tips for me. Zero acknowledgement of how their choice to summit may have not been the best move for our group trip, plus totally flexing their own accolimplishment at a moment when I was trying to be vulnerable and honest. Anyway, I wished them the best and told them that their group hiking style differs from mine, and I symbolically left the group (in our whatsapp chat – ironically called Whitney Women) and I will not be planning another trip with them. AITA here? Or is it bad form to summit before, and then respond the way they did?
EDIT: This is a 22 mile hike, the highest peak in the contigouos United States – just so folks know it is not a walk in the woods. We have been spending hours researching, planning, buying gear – all for us to do this challenge together as a group.
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Hi there – A group of three friends and I had been planning a trip to summit Mt. Whitney for about a year. We have done multiple hiking trips together, but this was the “big” one, a first for all of us. The permitting process is competitive, but we were lucky enough to score a permit (with another group member being the permit holder). Well – two and a half weeks before our trip, two of the group members found additional permits to go to Whitney ahead of time, with other friends. They said they were just going to go up to “practice” (which we actually did at Whitney prior, just going through the lower trails but not summiting). But – they ended up summiting. Honestly, I was pretty upset about this – for me, the summit was about doing this together, have the first together, the celebratory cheers after, and the group bonding. The fact that they went ahead and did this with another group changed the dynamic for me, and I felt like it was pretty offputting – so I decided I was going to back out of the trip. When I told the group that their early summit changed the level of excitement for me, they took 0 ownership – and basically “thanked me” for inspiring them to summit in the first place (I was the one who brought this idea to the group) and that all of our practicing really helped them achieve their goal. Then said that when I do decide to summit Whitney, they will have a lot of tips for me. Zero accountability of how their choice to summit may have not been the best move for our group trip, plus totally flexing their own accolimplishment. Anyway, I wished them the best and told them that their group hiking style differs from mine, and I symbolically left the group (in our whatsapp chat – ironically called Whitney Women) and I will not be planning another trip with them. AITA here? Or is it bad form to summit before, and then respond the way they did?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because although I was genuinly upset, I do not know if it was warrented – and I cancelled the trip, and left the group.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean, doesn’t really sound like there is a conflict. You chose to leave and they chose to let you go. It’s over.
You want them to apologize and fight for you to stay, they declined and now you have to move on.
NAH. Definitely different styles. Now you know.
NAH. They didn’t owe you friendship. Thats what this truly is about, that somehow by virtue of you thinking you were closer, they owe you that level of connection. They don’t owe you anything other than thanks you got. It sucks to find out your friend group isn’t your friends but they aren’t assholes for that, no one owes you friendship.
YTA- They had zero obligation to wait for you to summit the mountain. A hike like that is a singular accomplishment and it takes away nothing from you that they’ve already done it. You left the friend group over this? That’s just throwing a tantrum. “Zero accountability for how their choice to summit may not have been the best move” That’s because they went on a hike, they didn’t do anything wrong. Seriously, who cares, just go for the hike with the group and enjoy your accomplishment.
YTA. You sound wildly immature. Your friend’s decision to summit early has no physical or monetary impact on you, it would actually enhance your experience because they offered tips to make your experience even better. You aren’t the permit holder, just a brat trying to dictate other people’s experiences.
NTA
Yikes, I don’t know anything about summiting, but I certainly have hiked ‘locations’ before and if a key part of this trip was ‘this our first time and we’re doing this together’ then absolutely half the group doing it first is complete AH of them. It wasn’t just ‘a bunch of women planning to climb Mt. Whitney together’ and some had and some hadn’t…it was that you were ALL going to do it for the first time together.
If they really are ‘friends’…that was a sneaky stupid thing for them to do. How do you plan a trip for a year, for something as big as summiting a mountain, then just sneak in 2 weeks ahead and do it yourselves?
INFO – what did the other woman say about it all? Was she off-put like you or is she still going along?
NAH – They COULD be, but you never said anything ahead of time, so how were they to know? People have different expectations of things. I despise, DESPISE spoilers for movies/books, but some people literally dont give damn and will enjoy the movie regardless.
YTA…Not because you cancelled, but because you expected them to feel a certain way, and act a certain way in response.
You don’t get to control what other people do in their free time. I understand that you let the fact that they went for a hike “ruin” it for you, but that was your choice.
You then chose to back out of a planned trip for petty reasons. They handled your juvenile fit with grace. And you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, so if that ruined it for you, don’t go. But now you won’t get to do the thing, so there’s that.
The “accountability” bit is silly. Them going for a hike without you doesn’t diminish your future accomplishment in the slightest. You’re jealous. Expressing disappointment that they did it without you is reasonable, letting it dictate your actions diminishes you.
Edit nta:
After reading ops other responses in the thread I’m revising my opinion. It wasn’t about jealousy it was a values conflict. She spent months with these people training with the express expectation that they would all do this thing together. Then, 2 weeks before, they do it. This is an objectively shitty thing to do, especially if they were close friends.
Maybe they were practicing and got caught up in the moment, which might be okay if they expressed any remorse, but it doesn’t sound like they did.
The op mentioned trust being important when it comes to high altitude hiking and that makes sense. If she felt unsafe with them, the trip might not be a good choice.
Obviously she gets to choose her friendships and hiking buddies so backing out of the group generally is reasonable. I’m not sure how they got to this point without realizing the values conflict was that vast.
YTA. You wanted to climb the summit. That other people have climbed it before you does not in any way hamper you from achieving that goal. Only your tantrum is stopping you.
I don’t even have enough context honestly.
Did y’all specifically state in words that nobody summits without the group? Or was that just an “unspoken rule” .. because I definitely do not pick up on that. And what exactly was the text exchange? What does “I told the group they took away my excitement” mean? That doesn’t sound like you told them exactly how you feel. If they responded to that with “I have tips” then is this even a Reddit question? That would be asshole behavior beyond belief if you said you’re sad and upset and they just said hey good luck! So what’s going on here? Is the whole group upset? Because this just sounds like a lack of communication if it was never set in stone not to summit and nobody even really said there was a problem. If it’s just you expressing you’re upset when other people also were then it sounds like all of you should’ve got together and expressed that to them
YTA – why are you letting someone’s trip before you, even though you planned on doing it together, RUIN it for you?? Very immature. Just go or a year later you will be angry because you never summitted that mountain because of jealousy or whatever it is you are pissed about.
The amount of YTA’s in this response so far is astounding and makes me question whether people can actually read
You and your supposed “friends” made a plan to do something difficult TOGETHER
You had been planning this trip for a year.
It was going to be first for everyone in the group.
This was a special trip for everyone involved…something they all collectively decided they wanted to do TOGETHER so they could all experience summiting for the first time TOGETHER
Then a couple people in the group…decided that they were going to go on the trip that they had been planning with a group of people for a year, a couple weeks before the planned trip and to hell with everyone else.
No remorse
No giving a shit about the other people in the hiking group.
It boggles my mind that anyone would read your post and say YTA
OP, please ignore anyone who says YTA or NAH. Just flat out ignore them. I think they all saw the word hike and have no real concept about what summiting a mountain actually involves or why it’s an experience that some people like to share WITH THEIR FRIENDS
You are right to feel like your friends bailed on you and then bragged about it afterwards
And you were right to tell them you no longer want to hike with them
NTA
Not even in the slightest
YTA for a couple reasons. First of all, people are allowed to hang out with whoever they want- even if you are not around. You cant gatekeep your friends. Second, you were planning this for a while, and then right before you backed out…..all of this because “the dynamic was off”. Now they REALLY won’t want to hike with you.
NTA
My mom does thips like the one you describe. There is a lot that goes into preparing as a group that is different from preparing for a solo hike. They were inconsiderate for sure. Find people that match your hiking style.
Why don’t you and the other person just go instead you’re letting something they did completely ruin your plans. That seems really stupid.
YTA-for backing out of the trip.
I don’t know, maybe NAH?
It sounds like you went into it hoping it would be a first time even you could all celebrate together. Something you’ve accomplished after a year of planning and preparing. Nothing wrong with that!
Doesn’t seem like that hope was communicated to them before or during.
It sounds like the other two found an opportunity to do it before and were excited. They were probably still excited to do it with your group too. Nothing wrong with that either I feel.
You mentioned a comparison to a movie, which I don’t think is entirely 1:1. Movies are something you watch, and maybe you’ll see something new each time you watch it. If they spoil it for you, that’s awful. Can absolutely ruin the movie for you.
With a summit, you are actively participating in it, sure. But can you really spoil a summit by someone giving potential tips?
Are they going to spoil that its steeper on one side? Are they going to spoil that the view up there is gorgeous? Would those things really lessen your own climb?
I doubt it, but maybe I’m wrong though! If I am, totally fair!
Maybe it’s good to have someone who has done it before, with you, so it’s safer and you’re better prepared? You can research all you want, but having someone who experienced it, is super helpful.
I just feel like you cut your nose off to spite your face here. Now you won’t do the summit, because the permit is for a group. And who knows how long another group will take to get up to snuff? (Maybe you already have people in mind though).
You also left this group chat of friends because you’re, understandably, hurt. But, you allowed this to ruin something that you were looking forward to. You could have still had the celebrations because it’s still an impressive feat! You would still be doing it with a group of people you like(d).
Have them buy the snacks since they did it before. I don’t know.
I’m not going to say you’re an A, but didn’t you cut off your nose to spite your face? Now you don’t get to go at all.