My boyfriend and I (I’m a female) went on a double date. Typically, he pays for dates when we’re out and I pay for the smaller stuff. Recently he brought up feeling like he is expected to pay and doesn’t want to feel like an ATM.
So, this evening one an our double date, he happened to be in the bathroom when the check came. Me and my friends husband split the bill. When my boyfriend came back out he was upset that I paid. He said thank you, then asked me not to do that again.
Later I asked him why that made him so upset. He said it’s fine when I offer to pay when it’s just us, but not in that situation.
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My boyfriend and I (I’m a female) went on a double date. Typically, he pays for dates when we’re out and I pay for the smaller stuff. Recently he brought up feeling like he is expected to pay and doesn’t want to feel like an ATM.
So, this evening one an our double date, he happened to be in the bathroom when the check came. Me and my friends husband split the bill. When my boyfriend came back out he was upset that I paid. He said thank you, then asked me not to do that again.
Later I asked him why that made him so upset. He said it’s fine when I offer to pay when it’s just us, but not in that situation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) my action is paying for the bill and doing so without discussing first
2) I potentially embarrassed him, but I feel embarrassed as well
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean he was in the bathroom, you could have also waited but I’m assuming the other party wanted to leave so you paid. I don’t see nothing wrong with that. But I guess it’s more of a man thing (granted I’m male gay I pay one date my husband pays the rest and then we switch on the other date and so on, if we with the family we pay per couple) NTA
NTA. Your insecure bf merely wants the image of someone who pays all the time when you are with others, ie he doesn’t want to be an atm (reasonable) but wants others to think he is one (unreasonable).
NTA. There’s just some fragile masculinity going on.
NTA. You bruised his tiny little ego. That is a HIM issue. He literally can’t cope with you having made him “look bad” by paying. He’s showing you that he is sexist, misogynistic and pretty insecure. He literally thinks you emasculated and humiliated him by paying. Ditch him.
NTA
He wants to be a “real man” around other men, but share the costs when it’s just the two of you. Not a good look for him.
You are NTA. Your gaslighting boyfriend is one.
NTA.
He sounds exhausting. Wants to play little games with you over how he looks to other people. Hope you reassess this relationship.
So the one time you decided to help and pay for yours and your BFs dinner happened to be in front of friends. Way to emasculate him! He asked to not be your ATM and the first time you decided to help was when you were out with another couple.
You cannot be this slow witted. He didn’t ask you to broadcast his request to everyone, just be a little more respectful of the costs involved with eating out.
YTA
He deserves someone with a bit more empathy, and perhaps more common sense.
He feels embarrassed that you paid which is understandable.
Uh, I don’t know about that insecuritu…
You’re NTA – but depending on how angry he was , neither is he. If he just sighed and said don’t do that again in front of people, it’s reasonable. And nice of him. If he pestered you or raised his voice- he’s the a hole.
You’re not, you just listened to what he told you which is nice.
NTA.
bf: “i’d like you to pay the bill more often”
op pays bill
bf: “NOT THAT WAY!”
NTA. He said he wanted you to start picking up checks so you did. Feels like he wants to make himself look generous in front of other people without actually being so.
NAH- He probably just felt embarrassed, because even though he knows that you won’t judge him for not always footing the bill, but he still feels that societal pressure in front of others. He was just embarrassed in front of friends to have you pay, but it was a well intentioned gesture
NTA. “Hey babe, thank you for covering for me while I was in the bathroom. I wanted to cover our portion. Let me know the damage and I’ll pay you back.”
No sense of pride or acknowledging you are also a person who can be in a position to pay.
It may be a comfort thing. Men from a young age are usually conditioned to believe they should pay/provide everything for their dates/wives/families. With you he may be comfortable taking turns but with others around it might cause anxiety/fear in what others you guys know may think of him not providing for you. Or even a fear of being called out for not doing so. We’re in an age with dual providers but the opinion is still strongly portrayed in movies and tv shows and plenty of women and the older generation individuals still cling to the idea. Personally I don’t care who pays or who sees but everyone is different. The best advice that you’ll get though is to sit down with him and ask him yourself for his reasoning for this.
Oh, his poor little ego got bruised. Ask him if he needs an ice pack. I just bought dinner for my bf and another couple because I wanted to.
he pulled the bathroom move, + then made u feel guilty about it, this guy is my God!
Sounds like there are more serious issues to be discussed over your relationship and money. However, in this narrow case, NTA.
NTA whether you paid this time or not. Maybe another conversation with him to confirm expectations
NTA, so he wants you to pay for him, but he wants other people to believe he always pays? Nope. If he hates this, then he can pay in private too.
So he wants you to split the bill, but wants others to think that he always pays. NTA, your boyfriend wants others to think he’s a more generous boyfriend than he chooses to be.
In my mind, he can’t have it both ways. I’m perfectly happy to pay for our date at times, just as my boyfriend is, but it shouldn’t matter when I decide to pay. If you want me to pay in private, but you want to look like you pay for everything in front of your friends, well, you can’t have it both ways. If you want your friends to think you pay all the time, then pay all the time. If you want me to help, I will gladly do that, but I don’t play games.
NTA. If he feels like he’ll be judged by the other couple that says something about them and he should rethink those friends. If he feels the need to be a performative macho man in front of others that’s just not the fragile ego you want to deal with long term.
The proper well adjusted confident man response would’ve been “oh thanks babe!” and then being appreciative, end of story.
NTA I paid for dinner at a gathering with his family and friends when he’d taken his nephew to the restroom. He wasn’t embarrassed at all, and his family & friends thought it was a nice gesture. As someone else said, you just bruised his ego which is ridiculous when he asked you to pick up the tab but never gave stipulations on when not to do so.
NTA. He was in the bathroom and the bill was there. He probably got a wounded ego with you paying in front of other people.
Basically he doesn’t want you to pay in front of others cause he wants others to think of him as an alpha male provider and you made him feel inferior by being a normal partner in a relationship.
Ridiculous. NTA
NTA. You were doing your best to listen to him and do as he wanted. If he had other wishes or feelings around this he should have told you and not expected you to magically know.
He didn’t want to not pay in front of other people. Cultural dogma is man pays for the couple most of the time but also men don’t want to feel like a cash cow and women don’t want to feel like kept women/gold diggers – but it’s the eyes of a third party that makes it a big deal
I lean towards NTA as a dude who’s been married forever because it genuinely doesn’t matter who pays in any given instance in an ongoing relationship that’s fair, you’ll all get each other the next time. Your guy needs to figure out why the eyes of other people matter to him, because in the grand scheme of things, they really shouldn’t
YTA! You should have known better than to upstage you’re boyfriend like that emasculate him infront of another couple! You should have used discernment. Your man still needs to look and feel like your man. You should be banished from his superior male gaze for a while! 💯
NTA. He is one of those men with fragile egos. He thinks you paying when you guys were out with another couple will lower his status in the other man’s eyes. When it is doubtful that the other man gave it a second thought. But when it’s just you two he claims he is being treated like “an ATM” if he pays the bill. Entering snowflake territory here.
Tell him from now on you insist on going Dutch when you eat out together and that if you are with other people you will absolutely never touch the bill again and he better have his patootie sitting at the table when the bill is brought.
Nta he can’t have it both ways
NTA. He wants you to pay, but he wants everyone else think he’s the “MAN”.
He’s insecure and making it your problem.
NTA. Why should he have things both ways?
NTA. Did you miss the part where he showed you his ‘macho man’ card and said this is the 1950’s, he needs to show off for his friends that’s he’s The Man and he’s taking care of his ‘little woman’?
You are an adult, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to pay a bill. If his male ego is so fragile that he’s embarrassed when his friends see you paying the tab, that’s His Problem. Honestly, I think his reaction is disrespectful to you. He thinks it’s fine for you to pick up a tab when it’s just him, but HOW DARE YOU pick up the tab in front of his friends?? Wow, he’s a total AH.
NTA, he said not an ATM, then got mad you paid on the double date.
Wha? I don’t understand his reasoning (If it can be called that). To my considerable experience as a guy, I pay for the first bunch of dates, and if a relationship comes about, then we start to share expenses. So I can understand that he didn’t want to always have to pay for everything.
But: you responded affirmatively to his request. Frankly, I don’t understand his differentiation between others chipping in when he’s with you and several friends as opposed to when it’s just the two of you. Then he got annoyed when you did what he had asked. That makes no sense to me.
Bottom line IMO, is better communications. He didn’t tell you that his request was to be only between the two of you. I don’t know if he explained why he felt that way, but he certainly didn’t do so beforehand. And then you chipped in for the dinner without telling him, and behind his back. So as I see it, the both of you need to be more forthcoming to each other.
With that, you are NTA. As for him, I’m not sure for the reasons stated above. At least he did say thank you.
Because you communicate these things with your partner first. Derp.
You assumed, and you also went ahead without him. He has the right to his feelings whether they’re justified or not.
Translation ” I want you to pay for dues , but not in front of a man”
NTA UNLESS you only pay when others are present or commented on his prior request in front of them.
NTA sounds like his little male ego was hurt at the thought that other people might think less of him if you paid the bill instead of him.
There is nothing wrong with him not wanting to pay all the time, but getting upset when you do exactly what he’s mentioned previously is just dumb.
He wants to look like an ATM in front of others, but just not to you
NTA
Admits to you in private that he doesn’t feel comfortable always paying the bill, but then wants to look like “the man” when he’s out with other men.
Can’t have it both ways. It sounds exhausting
Why would you want to embarrass someone you love in of his friend?
Awww the poor babies pride was hurt.
He wants to appear to be the provider without actually providing.
If he wanted to pay, why was he in the men’s room when the bill came.
OP, have this dude read these comments.
Small pp
NTA. Have you offered to pay before this meal? Your post says he wanted you to pay sometimes but doesn’t mention your reaction, or if you actually started paying for dates.
LOL – NTA. He wants to have the appearance of paying but wants you to pay when no one is looking.
You’re the one that should be upset lol but go ahead and let him bathe in his insecurities
NTA. So he wants you to split dinner costs, but wants everyone else to think he always pays? Nah, boy, you don’t get it both ways.
kind of insufferable really. he wants his gf to pay for some dates but is embarrassed if anyone knows it??
whaaaT?
First off, NTA. Second off, the people in these comments are unhinged. This sounds like a simple communication issue, not a reason to breakup.
From your boyfriend’s pov, he thinks he’s paying for the majority of date expenses while giving the appearance to your friends that he’s a bum who’s not contributing at all to dating expenses. I could see how that could be frustrating for him, but it’s also his fault for not communicating this clearly enough. If he wanted to go Dutch on dates, he should’ve specified. He put himself in this situation by being ambiguous and not communicating what he wanted financially out of the relationship. He communicated something and you did that thing so he has no right to be upset with you.