My mom and I have a strained relationship since we got in a fight about me working at a summer camp instead of an internship last summer. She’s always been controlling, influencing where I went to school, my major, etc. We didn’t talk for a few months since she wouldn’t talk unless I apologized for going against her.
Last month was my college grad. She wasn’t coming until she got her dad to come with as she didn’t want to be alone. She also didn’t book the tickets until I verbally invited her. She never calls me, but says I’m the one who doesn’t want a relationship. I call her once/week but never talk about anything deep because I don’t want her judgement or smothering. But I never uninvited her.
At grad, she made me cry three times from stress. I tried to make an effort to include her but she says it wasn’t enough. My parents divorced two years ago and my mom hates that side of the family, who was there. Has always hated them, and thinks I favor them. I tried to be fair at the grad. I spent half a day with mom then half a day with dad. Then I tried a combined “campus tour”.
During the tour, my dad’s mom, who has a walker, had to use the bathroom. I was the only one who knew where it was so I took her. Didn’t think it would be long, so I didn’t say anything. Didn’t think I needed to. My boyfriend was also there, so he took over. Bathroom was 20 minutes. When I got back my mom/her dad looked PISSED. I was getting stressed. When they asked me a question they seemed angry. I felt stressed by this, so I stepped away because I was crying and didn’t want them to see. When I returned, my mom/her dad left.
The night after grad I wanted to drink with my friends. My mom looked mad when I told her this. I thought it was okay, I spent lots of time both alone and in groups with her that week. Went out to eat with her, spent time with her in the hotel, she was there for group meals, played a board game with her.
Fast forward. I’m moving halfway across country in a week. My mom keeps saying she is unwelcome, even though I’ve told her she is welcome to visit me WHENEVER. When I probed, she says it’s because how I acted at grad. I explained to her the misunderstanding. She wants me to apologize for not saying where I was going and also wants me to acknowledge how she felt. I said no, I tried my best, nothing to apologize over. I told her if anything she made the weekend about herself when it was supposed to be about me, especially since I didn’t get a grad in 2020. She said it was about her, since she was the mom of the grad.
That was a few days ago. She sulks around me, and I don’t want to talk to her as I’m still mad that she wanted an apology. I told her if she’s going to keep sulking, she’s not welcome to visit for a few months. A few heated words were exchanged. No resolve.
I went to my dad’s for a day. I came back, all the photos of me were thrown out. I asked why. She said I’m dead to her and that she needs to move on from me and seeing them brings her pain.AITA
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My mom and I have a strained relationship since we got in a fight about me working at a summer camp instead of an internship last summer. She’s always been controlling, influencing where I went to school, my major, etc. We didn’t talk for a few months since she wouldn’t talk unless I apologized for going against her.
Last month was my college grad. She wasn’t coming until she got her dad to come with as she didn’t want to be alone. She also didn’t book the tickets until I verbally invited her. She never calls me, but says I’m the one who doesn’t want a relationship. I call her once/week but never talk about anything deep because I don’t want her judgement or smothering. But I never uninvited her.
At grad, she made me cry three times from stress. I tried to make an effort to include her but she says it wasn’t enough. My parents divorced two years ago and my mom hates that side of the family, who was there. Has always hated them, and thinks I favor them. I tried to be fair at the grad. I spent half a day with mom then half a day with dad. Then I tried a combined “campus tour”.
During the tour, my dad’s mom, who has a walker, had to use the bathroom. I was the only one who knew where it was so I took her. Didn’t think it would be long, so I didn’t say anything. Didn’t think I needed to. My boyfriend was also there, so he took over. Bathroom was 20 minutes. When I got back my mom/her dad looked PISSED. I was getting stressed. When they asked me a question they seemed angry. I felt stressed by this, so I stepped away because I was crying and didn’t want them to see. When I returned, my mom/her dad left.
The night after grad I wanted to drink with my friends. My mom looked mad when I told her this. I thought it was okay, I spent lots of time both alone and in groups with her that week. Went out to eat with her, spent time with her in the hotel, she was there for group meals, played a board game with her.
Fast forward. I’m moving halfway across country in a week. My mom keeps saying she is unwelcome, even though I’ve told her she is welcome to visit me WHENEVER. When I probed, she says it’s because how I acted at grad. I explained to her the misunderstanding. She wants me to apologize for not saying where I was going and also wants me to acknowledge how she felt. I said no, I tried my best, nothing to apologize over. I told her if anything she made the weekend about herself when it was supposed to be about me, especially since I didn’t get a grad in 2020. She said it was about her, since she was the mom of the grad.
That was a few days ago. She sulks around me, and I don’t want to talk to her as I’m still mad that she wanted an apology. I told her if she’s going to keep sulking, she’s not welcome to visit for a few months. A few heated words were exchanged. No resolve.
I went to my dad’s for a day. I came back, all the photos of me were thrown out. I asked why. She said I’m dead to her and that she needs to move on from me and seeing them brings her pain.AITA
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> 1. i told my mom i don’t want to see her right nowim the asshole because i told my mom I didn’t want to see her for a while because she won’t apologize
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA…It’s time to stop apologizing. You’re an adult now and free to live the life you want. She can either accept that or stay away.
NTA. Your mom sounds like a very self centred person. “She said it was about her, since she was the mom of the grad” ???? That’s insanity. YOU earned your graduation, so it was YOUR celebration. Not hers. It sounds like you have been putting in a lot of effort and receiving nothing in return. It’s painful to cut off a parent but this person isn’t behaving like a parent, but like a sullen teen. You’d be better off going no contact.
Well, if you’re dead? I’d send sympathy cards to everyone, “Sorry for your loss. Since ‘mom’ has said I’m dead to her, I wanted to let you know.” A little dose of humiliation won’t kill her. NTA
NTA your Mother’s behaviour is abusive and manipulative. She may be feeling lonely, and even afraid about the fact that you are moving on with your life, and away from her, but this is most certainly not how she should be dealing with those emotions.
Super easy on this on OP. Mom has opted out of being mom. Just wants the title and deference.
Cut her out and carry on.
NTA
NTA relish the opportunity to have a break from her.
Also, this sub might be insightful r/raisedbynarcissists/
NTA- it’s probably in your best interest that you are moving far away from her.
NTA. Go and live your life free from her insane drama. It’s probably best if you limit future contact with her for your own mental health and happiness. Congratulations on your graduation!
NTA
Your mom is the worst…abusive and extremely manipulative. She is playing childish games of favourites and is pouting when she doesn’t get her way. I mean I would have said you should have ‘formally’ invited her to grad (obviulsy, that’s how you make people feel wanted) however I feel that even if you had done that, it still wouldn’t have been enough.
I think the half-way-across-the-country thing will be GREAT for you 🙂 Congrats and good luck!
Ffs she’s awful. You are NTA. My advice (from experience:) go NC and am enjoy your life. Congrats btw on your graduation.
Your mother has serious issues. Nothing you do or say is ever going to be enough to satisfy her need to be right in this emotional head game she’s playing. Only she knows the rules and she can change them at will. You could offer her the exact apology she’s asking for (not saying you should) and she’d complain that you didn’t mean it and don’t acknowledge her pain as the ultimate victim in this saga. All this to say you can’t win so stop trying. Move away and live your life with a clear conscience because you’re not wrong here. She’s a bottomless pit of need that will never be filled. You can be civil with her from a distance but you need to make the choice to stop being her emotional punching bag. I know that’s easier said than done with a mom but this is not healthy and you need to put yourself first for once. I hope you find peace. NTA.
NTA, you should send her family “sorry for your loss” and tel them that because she disowned you, you are no longer apart of her family. Anything they hear from her are lies you won’t take the time to correct so you won’t have anything to do with them
She is acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum. I have a mom like this, and I have learned that there is no reasoning with her. She must always be the victim, and she will switch back and forth between bully and victim seamlessly. There is no way to keep someone like this in your life and have peace.
I moved 3500 miles away and allow visits of 3 days every 3-4 years. I am ruthless about it. She hates it but knows that if she complains too much, I won’t even do that, and I will cut off phone calls too if she cannot be pleasant and at least fake interest in my life. I think you are going to need to pull away, grieve for the mother you always wanted and she never was, and find your family elsewhere. NTA
Your mother sounds like hard work. Her behavior seems immature and destructive. It’s clearly stressing you out.
I think you need to sit down and define some rules/boundaries and then communicate them to her. She needs to understand what behavior is acceptable to you and what the consequences will be if she crosses a line.
You said that you told her she can’t visit if she continues to sulk and that is a great start. However, I think you need to be very clear with her. Write her a brief (so the message gets through) letter and start it by saying that you want her to read it and re-read it before replying. Use bullet points.
I would start off in a positive way by telling her that you appreciate her careful parenting when you were younger. However:
– Now you’re an adult and she needs to accept that she cannot make your decisions for you anymore.
– She cannot expect you to guess what she is thinking. If she wants something, she needs to ask for it. If she won’t be clear about what she wants, she needs to expect that she won’t get it.
– She needs to accept that you are not even a little but responsible for her relationship with other family members or for feeling included or whatever. She is an adult. She is the parent. She is 100% responsible for herself.
– Finally, you need to address the hard stuff. Explain how her behavior–the freezing you out, sulking, focusing on herself and her feelings, demanding an apology–has hurt your relationship. You will remember that you weren’t celebrated at your graduation. Instead you were focusing on her. You weren’t able to control the divorce but it must have upended your life and yet she is acting like the victim.
– I’m putting this one in its own bullet point. Throwing out photos of you was insane. That is not normal. Neither is cutting you off. I think you deserve a break from that.
She knows how to manipulate you and stress you out. I sincerely hope you can talk to a therapist about how to stop letting her manipulate you. You should not be feeling anxious and stressed about disappointing your parent when you are celebrating major achievements (like graduation) or attending family events. If you can live with other relatives, I think you should because it’s not healthy to feel as stressed as you are. You don’t deserve this. Good luck.
NTA. Stop coddling her. Stop apologizing. Let her be mad. It seems she enjoys being angry. Once you move just ignore her and live your life.
NTA. She threw away photos of you?! This is unhinged, ridiculous behaviour, it’s giving toddler tantrum vibes. She’s flailing because she can’t control you like she used to.
I’m so sorry, but the effort and thoughtfulness you put into that relationship will NEVER be enough. Please put your energy into the side of your family that doesn’t make you cry from stress just by looking at you. Hit your mom with a “I’m sorry you feel that way” (cuz I 100% know she’s used that as an “apology” against you) and stop reaching out after you move. Good luck with your next steps and congratulations on your graduation!
NTA. You were raised by a narcissist. That isn’t your fault. Highly recommend the book adult children of emotionally immature parents.
Your new life is going to be marvelous!
NTA. She says you’re dead to her. Accept the win. This spares you a lot of tension, unpleasantness, and drama. Despite her beliefs, the world does NOT actually revolve around her and you’re entitled to make your own decisions.
You’ve done your best to accommodate her. Accept that this is an impossible task. You’ve been invited to go no-contact. Accept the invitation and let her be the one to apologize if she doesn’t like it.
NTA your mom is a very selfish person.
The best thing for you would be to accept this fact and either do what she’s doing and move on OR accept her for the super selfish person she is and remember that every time you’re with her. Which means remembering she’s going to expect everything to be centered around her.
This means reminding her that things aren’t all about her and if she can’t hang she can’t come etc. which will be problematic. But in the end she’ll like the drama and she’ll come back around.
Selfish people like the drama because they can talk about it with other people.
NTA-she sounds utterly exhausting, since your now “dead to her” you can go low to no contact, if she complains oh well your dead to her so why should it matter
NTA. Go start your life be happy. Do not concern with your mother’s selfish self centered behavior. Don’t give her your new number and address until you feel like you want to tolerate her. It might be never
Google narcissistic mothers. Your mum is showing a lot of traits. Only way to deal with them is to cut them off. NTA
NTA
Your mother is a grade A something I can’t say on Reddit. If you do some research on relationships between parents and their children I’m sure you will realise that your mother isn’t somebody who actually cares about anyone but themselves. You are doing so well confronting her and moving away. I would caution against leaving anything of value where she can get to it, including important paperwork, there will be more pettiness to come I am sure.
Mom might have some mental issues. Give her space and time to clear her head where you’re concerned.
NTA! Go no contact. Her throwing away your photos and saying you’re dead to her is abuse. Your graduation was only about you not her. Give her what she asked for. Live your best life. Don’t let her behavior rule your life. You deserve to be happy.
Nta this is emotional abuse and manipulation, I can see why your parents are divorced. Moving away is the best move so you’re already doing the right thing. Make sure you pack away ALL of your things, don’t leave anything behind that you’d feel sad over losing. People like her are never pleased, don’t waste anymore energy on her.
NTA – I grew up with a mother very much like yours and it took me years in therapy to understand that how she treated me was wrong. Start therapy now. She’s not going to change, so you need to, otherwise, she will try to control you forever. You didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA.
NO, graduation is certainly NOT about the “mom of the grad.” That alone is enough to say your mom is a classic narcissist. Everything has to be about her. Certainly being “fair” to both sides of the family is NOT good enough.
Demanding an apology, throwing out your photos, everything she does is punishment designed to get you back in line and under her control. If you told her where you were going for drinks, she probably would have shown up there and demanded to be introduced to all of your friends.
There’s lots of help out there for how to deal with a narcissist, but it boils down to firm boundaries and not letting them gaslight you. You have already gone with intermittent low-contact. You may have to go further.
PS. I can almost guarantee that she put away but did not throw out the photos. It wasn’t about her pain in seeing them, but inflicting pain on you by seeing them gone.
NTA.
Your mom is evil or something. Feel relieved to no longer have to deal with her.
NTA Your mother is very manipulative and emotionally abusive. Low or No Contact might do you some good. Also, you should probably talk to a therapist. It might help you handle the trauma your mom has caused and help you deal with your mom (if you keep in touch with her).
Your mother is a narcissist. If she wants to go NC (by being overdramatic and saying you’re dead to her) then go NC with her. She wants you to reach out apologize, don’t give her the satisfaction of being “right”. Just ignore her like she’s ignoring you and move on with your life. It sounds like you’ve got a good support system on your dad’s side of the family.
NTA.
Your mother is controlling, which you know, and she’s lashing out because she knows she’s losing that control.
She’s going to do everything she can to make you feel bad.
Please, do not give in to her nastiness. How she feels is how she chooses to feel. You could literally do what she wants and it would never be enough.
Don’t cut her off if she makes an effort, but put your effort into the people who show you they care about you.
NTA
I’ve seen this behavior many times, its like a bizarre form of “munchausen by proxy”; where they want the attention by telling you how horrible you have been to them. It’s not just parents/family members, but can be partners or even friends.
They want to complain about how horribly they have been treated on your day. It was your graduation, and they were not the only family members there.
Give her what she wants and “be dead to her.” Anything else is feeding the trolls. If she does come back into your life, lay ground rules and stick to them. Chasing her only feeds her narrative and makes you feel like the bad guy.
Best way to have the freedom to go NC is when the impossible to please narcissist initiates it themselves. You have her blessing for peace of mind. Run with it and don’t look back!
NTA. You explained your feelings. She threw them in your face, threw a tantrum then claimed she wants no further contact.
Go in joy.
NTA but it is time you had an adult conversation with her and set boundaries. I would tell her you aren’t going to be bullied or guilted in to doing things she wants anymore and that includes having a relationship. If she wants to drop all the sulking and threats, you will be happy to start fresh as two adults. If she only wants a relationship with you on her terms, then tell her you aren’t interested and kiss her goodbye. She will come back at some point, but make it clear that you won’t play these childish games in the future, it is too exhausting. I am guessing she isn’t with your father and she probably holds a lot of anger towards him. She probably wants you to be angry with him but you aren’t interested in that.
OP, your mom is toxic / abusive. What she is saying and doing is manipulative and emotional abuse. Do not feel bad for her or about yourself.
Let her have her emotions and don’t concern yourself with them because, unfortunately, to her, you will always be in the wrong if you aren’t capitulating to her.
Hell, if you’re able to, go stay with your dad until it’s time to leave. Don’t tell her you’re doing this, just do it. Leave her a note or write her an email if you want, but if you do so, please do so knowing that the chance it will open her eyes and cause her to change is almost nonexistent.
NTA, and I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.
Move around…your Mom has some growing up to do.
NTA. Going LC or NC is up to you. You’re the adult here it seems.
NTA. Having dealt with a mom like this, there is nothing you can do to please her short of ending all other relationships, getting the job she gets for you, and spending the rest of your life jumping through ever smaller and higher hoops to show her how much you love her. She will expect to be in the center of your every relationship, including any romantic relationship, and your relationship with your children. You will always have to put her ahead of everyone, and you will have to essentially allow her relationship with your children, should you have them, be more important to them than their relationship with you and their other parent. Being the center of your life for the rest of her life is the only thing that will make her happy.
Know that you are not responsible for her well-being, emotional or otherwise. She is an adult and should deal with her own upset. These sorts of transitions are difficult for parents, especially those who need to be enmeshed with their children. They don’t do well with boundaries. Right now, she is trying the “all or nothing” manipulation in an attempt to gain some control, and to know that you still value her. She wants you back to the spot where she felt like you need her, and she could easily push some buttons to get that emotional hit she needs from you. I am sorry, you are in for a rough ride.
You might want to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
No wonder your Dad divorced her. Now she’s losing you. Break the chain of abuse and start healing now. NTA.
GO TO THERAPY! The big problem is that you keep being a doormat and your mom will continue to manipulate you. If this was a friend telling you this story how would you advise her? NTA
Be glad you are moving away from all the drama.
NTA your mom refuses to accept the fact that you are an adult and ready to move on with your life. If she had it your way you’d be living at home for the rest of your life, kissing her ass and doing everything she wants you to do. Stop apologizing for going your own way and just go your own way. She can get over it.
Oh honey I’m so sorry this happened. Your mom is an impulsive person who is really struggling with the idea of you moving away. It’s like she unconsciously is being a pain in the ass to create distance so it’s not so hard for HER when you move.
Girl…drop the rope. She is manipulating you and guilting you. Why are you tolerating her abuse. She calls and starts the emotional abuse…hang up. Repeat as needed until she gets your boundaries..you will no longer tolerate her verbal and emotional abuse. Tell her you won’t be taking that nonsense from her…hang up. You are allowing and tolerating this abuse…break the cycle. Tell her you are done with any manipulation of feelings and let her know, a hang up is how you will deal with that in the future. Stop calling her. She feeds on the hurt and drama. Stop being her door mat. And do not invite her to anymore milestones so she can destroy them. Stop seeking her out..drop that rope. You are just enabling her…stop. Once you do, she’ll have to change if she wants access to you. Make it hard for her to get that access. If you get stressed and cry…I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you spine up.
NTA. I understand why your dad divorced your mother.
Yikes she’s a drama queen 😳 NTA, she seems very self-centered and unwilling to see things from anyone else’s point of view. NTA all day. Good luck and congratulations on graduating. My daughter was 2020 so I remember all the chaos and uncertainty about the Seniors that year.
NTA. Your mother sounds like a narcicist, trying to get you to apologize over and over and making all things about her. She is lashing out mist probably because she can feel you are slipping away. Move away, trésorerie the side of your family that is healthy and don’t look back! Also I bet she will try some oui-ja to get in touch with you again because if there is one thing narcicists hate, it’s somebody walking away from them.
NTA do yourself a favor and accept being dead to her and live a better life without her in it
Is she for real? How can it be about her? She didn’t graduate. Clearly delusional and probably narcissistic
Honey, you have done nothing wrong. Your Mom is being overly dramatic, let her, she’s a grown adult who can handle her own emotions, if she wants to be a drama queen then let her, but put distance between the pair of you. Stop chasing her, stop reacting.
Spend the time you’ve got left moving anything you were going to leave at your Mom’s to your Dad’s or another relatives/friends who will store it for you for now. This will stop your Mom throwing it all out when she escalates – and she will escalate because what she is doing is not giving her your undivided attention.
Move away, go either NC or LC with her, get yourself some therapy. Let her phone you, if she starts the woe is me or stressing you out tell her she can call you when she’s in a more positive mood, that you love her, and hang up. Put up boundaries, enforce those boundaries, do the things you need to to protect your mental health.
NTA