AITA? I’ve got home from my friend’s house tonight and my other half is raging with me. For context, my friend is getting married later this year and I am the best man. He decided to have a gathering with his parents and the bridal/groom party, I told my fiancé we won’t stay too long. Me, my other half and our 6 month old baby were invited. We go to the party and socialize with the family, we have a good time. It got to the point where my fiance said she’s going to bring the baby home as it was past his bedtime and he was getting unsettled. I decided on the spot I’ll stay for a while, as the groom wanted me there for a while longer. She left with the baby at 8pm.
An hour later I’m getting angry texts from my fiance saying our son isn’t sleeping and she’s fed up etc. she was trying to make me feel bad the whole time I am there. On Thursday this week she couldn’t get him to sleep during her bedtime routine, i got the same sort of texts and had to leave the gym early to get the baby to sleep.
I get home at 11pm and I’m told “you don’t realise what it’s like to be a primary care giver” etc. a point she raised is that I went to a friend’s house last Friday – this was because it was his birthday and he wanted me there. Before attending his birthday I done the bedtime routine with our child before leaving.
I’m really unsure if I’m the asshole. I work 9-5, try to keep the house tidy, and get up at 6am every morning when the baby wakes up. What do yous think? To note, she is a great mother. She looks after him all week and brings him out for walks. I would be more than happy for her to go out with her friends and leave me with the baby, but she doesn’t have the same amount of opportunities as I have.
EDIT: after reading some responses I’ve started to realise I am indeed the asshole. Appreciate everyone’s opinions!
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AITA? I’ve got home from my friend’s house tonight and my other half is raging with me. For context, my friend is getting married later this year and I am the best man. He decided to have a gathering with his parents and the bridal/groom party, I told my fiancé we won’t stay too long. Me, my other half and our 6 month old baby were invited. We go to the party and socialize with the family, we have a good time. It got to the point where my fiance said she’s going to bring the baby home as it was past his bedtime and he was getting unsettled. I decided on the spot I’ll stay for a while, as the groom wanted me there for a while longer. She left with the baby at 8pm.
An hour later I’m getting angry texts from my fiance saying our son isn’t sleeping and she’s fed up etc. she was trying to make me feel bad the whole time I am there. On Thursday this week she couldn’t get him to sleep during her bedtime routine, i got the same sort of texts and had to leave the gym early to get the baby to sleep.
I get home at 11pm and I’m told “you don’t realise what it’s like to be a primary care giver” etc. a point she raised is that I went to a friend’s house last Friday – this was because it was his birthday and he wanted me there. Before attending his birthday I done the bedtime routine with our child before leaving.
I’m really unsure if I’m the asshole. I work 9-5, try to keep the house tidy, and get up at 6am every morning when the baby wakes up. What do yous think? To note, she is a great mother. She looks after him all week and brings him out for walks. I would be more than happy for her to go out with her friends and leave me with the baby, but she doesn’t have the same amount of opportunities as I have.
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“He decided to have a gathering with his parents and the bridal/groom party, I told my fiancé we won’t stay too long.”
But then SHE left the gathering at 8pm, and YOU came home hours later at 11pm
🫠😑.
YTA – say what you mean and mean what you say. Move as a unit. Your future WIFE needs you just as much, if not more, than your BFF.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided not to go home with my fiance and our baby after I’d told her that I plan on going home with them. I think this might make me the asshole, but she started bringing up other things which I’ve mentioned in my post. I need to know if I am the asshole or not.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>but she doesn’t have the same amount of opportunities as I have.
You know you can just give her time away from the baby without requiring her to have a social opportunity, right?
For that, YTA.
“I’m really unsure if I’m the asshole.”
Let me clarify it for you, YTA. You are a parent. Parenthood changes everything. Your first priority is your child, your second priority is hanging out with friends and going to the gym. You can’t leave it to your fiancee because you think you deserve to out with friends a little longer or you’d rather go to the gym.
Yta. A bad fiancé and father. Your priority isn’t yourself now.
YTA. Just because your friends want you there doesn’t meant you abandon your partner. You can have a social life you just need to make sure your partner and the baby come 1st.
Grow the fuck up.
A 6 month old?? You really shouldn’t be going to parties and leaving your partner to do all the heavy lifting. If she wants to leave then you should really leave together. This is supposed to be a team effort. Gym should also be knocked on the head for a bit. Being a primary caregiver is rather exhausting for such a young child and if she has no other support then you are supposed to be taking some of the load off her. Your friend wanting you at a party should pale in comparison to you being there to support the family you created.
Have to say YTA here. Suck it up, grow up and be more than a father. Anyone with sperm can be a father. It takes far more involvement to be a dad. Be a dad and a supportive partner. Your partner is trying to tell you that she’s struggling. Open your ears and your heart, step up to the plate and give her the support she craves before you find yourself as simply a co-parent. If you’re leaving her to do it alone then why does she need you?
YTA – In one post you mentioned: going to the gym, going to a friend’s birthday party, going to the bridal/groom party.
When she’s texting you that she’s struggling, that’s your cue to go home, not to ignore her so you can keep socializing. This isn’t about one night, it’s about a pattern: you get multiple nights out, she gets none, and when she asks for help you make it clear her load is less important than your fun. That’s selfish, dismissive, and unfair. And the excuse that she doesn’t have the same social opportunities as you, and that gives you cause to go out more is pure selfish illogical BS.
Your baby has two parents. Start acting like it.
YTA. you owe her a spa day or her personal equivalent and you take care of your baby AND an apology.
YTA. So your friends want you to be at their social gatherings. But you have a responsibility to your wife and child. Your wife and child come first. Welcome to parenthood.
YTA
It’s one thing if you have to work late and have no control over that, but that baby has two parents and both of them need to be equally invested in his care. I understand wanting to be there for your friends but your child and your partner should be a higher priority than that and if your friends can’t deal with that they are not very good friends.
Anytime your partner or child needs you the answer should be an automatic “yes.”
She’s right. You have no idea what it is like being the primary caregiver.
Keeping your word is more important than you realize. At least be in communication when you do not keep your word.
No one knows this (except the happily married & some divorced): YOUR #1 JOB AS A HUSBAND IS TO PROTECT HER PEACE OF MIND. If you aren’t willing or able to do this, seriously do both of you a favor and call the wedding off. Figure out co-parenting.
You have no idea what type of hell you are in for living with a stressed out woman. You also have no idea how much you stress her out. Youre a big part of the problem.
So that’s 3 times this week you went out in the evening. You made her go home alone the one night she was invited and you want a pat on the back for participating in the bedtime routine once? She isn’t wrong for wanting you to prioritize time with her and the baby instead of your friends. You would be saying the same things as her if she were going out with friends every other night and leaving you at home. YTA
Six months old? YTA completely.
Dude – when does she go to the gym, when is she staying out late. How much of the party did you look after the kid?
You get home from work and you should be doing 50% of all parenting. She is looking after the kid while you work – that is her job. Rest of the time you address EQUAL parents. Do the weekend night shifts. Take half the weekend to look after the kid. Make sure she has 2-3 nights to herself on weekdays.
Oh and grow up
YTA.
INFO
Have you ever been 100% responsible for the baby when she hasn’t been in the house for at least 8 hours?
YTA
Yeah, sorry. YTA. At that age, it’s all hands on deck. Not, “I’m going to my buddy’s house because he wants me there” or whatever.
>I decided on the spot I’ll stay for a while, as the groom wanted me there for a while longer.
What the groom wants is completely irrelevant. You’re not marrying him. You are a father first and foremost before being a groomsman or even a friend to this guy. Your partner and child need you at home not out with the boys.
If you keep this up don’t be surprised when she leaves and don’t get upset when the baby eventually calls another man daddy because you’re not acting as one right now. YTA.
Yta, she’s very clearly asking you to come and help her because she’s struggling.
You get to go out to the gym, to social events, she stays home all week with the baby. She needs a night out or even just a night to herself in the house doing whatever while you tend to the baby.
YTA your partner has completely put herself on the back burner to raise your child and you should consider that and should be giving her more support so that she can also rest.
I’m a new mom to an 8 month old and it is exhausting I can’t imagine my husband going out with friends multiple times a week/month right now. He had to work a big stretch of overtime over winter and I was nearly hysterical by the end of it.
YTA. You are a parent now but you are prioritizing socializing and things like going to the gym over being a parent to your child and supportive partner to your child’s mother. You are being both a bad father and a bad fiance here.
Fiancé is complaining about feeling like the primary care giver in a 2 parent household? YTA
Dude really? Why are you prioritizing your friend’s wants over your wife and baby’s needs? You’re a parent now and you don’t seem to get that. Yta
I wouldn’t be okay with this, at all. You need to be there for her and with the baby. That’s too much for anyone on their own.
YTA. You have a new baby, barely 6 months old and you’re keeping on like you didn’t help bring a new life into the world with your Fiancée. Your priorities should be on your new family unit, I’m not saying completely cut out going out, but come on man, make an effort to actually be at home with her, she needs you too.
YTA. Grow up daddy, you don’t get to unilaterally decide to stay behind anymore and leave her alone with the baby. You don’t get to complain about her needing help. You dont know what it’s like to be the primary caregiver, especially when you’re making decisions by yourself to be out of the house for extended periods of time.
YTA but not egregiously. Your partner is struggling. You didn’t do anything terrible if she was doing fine but she’s not. You’re not in the same phase as your bach friends. Step up.
YTA. How often does your wife get to go to parties, the gym, or just enjoy some free time and leave you with the baby?
How much did she get to enjoy herself at that party?
And why in the world are you being so dishonest with her? When you say you “won’t stay long,” that means something and you should stick to your word.
Try whinging less and parenting more? YTA.
You work 9-5 – what hours is your finance working as the primary parent? She gets to switch off at 5 too and fuck off to the gym, or stay at a party while the baby looks after itself? Or is her job currently 24 hours because the other parent isn’t sharing the load 50/50 at night, at the weekend and in the evenings?
You love her enough to want to marry her then you need to show her how much you love her. Right now your buddy and the gym are coming above both her and your child in your priorities and she is hearing that loud and clear.
YTA – You’re worried about what your friends want? What about what your partner NEEDS? What your baby needs? Being a primary caretaker is a full-time job in itself. Do not flatter yourself or think you shouldn’t share the exact same amount of responsibility to your child just because you are the one working. No “I’ll do it later” or “I’m tired”. She’s tired, but she’s doing it NOW. Because that’s what it takes to be a parent.
Set your priorities straight, and as another commenter said, grow the fuck up.
I was happy to see your edit because I was going to BLAST you. Let me gently take this time to remind you, in advance, that magical holidays don’t just appear, food doesn’t cook itself and Santa does not wrap the gifts under the tree. Look up what mental load is in a marriage. Look up the dollar value of a stay-at-home mother and care for your child 100% on your own for 48 hours. If you act according to what you learn, your wife will be very happy with you.
YTA. You have a child and it sounds ike you haven’t realised that your life actually needs to change because you have a child. Even in a post that you are writing from your perspective, you’re already going out every week and still managing to keep up your gym schedule. Meanwhile your partner is effectively a single parent.
You say that your partner “doesn’t have the same amount of opportunities as I have” for social interactions and holy heck – when would she have the time? She’s keeping a house and solo parenting a child whilst also having to manage your inability to keep promises. By this stage she’s probably worked out that you wouldn’t keep a promise to look after your own child so rejects any social invitation she gets anyway.
YTA I divorced a guy just like you. He acted the same with the kids on his time. The kids grew up and cut him off. He’s still the same immature, selfish, person he was 20 years ago. Grow up or get out of her way so she and her kid can thrive.
It sounds like nothing in your life has changed since having a baby. You still go to the gym. You still hang out with your friends for as long as you want. You work your 9 to 5 job that you were presumably working before you had your baby. Yeah, YTA.
What is your baby’s bedtime routine?
How many times is your baby up each night?
Has your baby started solids, if so, what foods have they tried?
Do you know the answers to any of these questions? I suspect you’re not as involved in your kid’s life as you think you are.
Comments are passing the vibe check.
You should really look into how to support your wife as she navigates being the primary caregiver because I promise you it’s not fucking easy.
I hate these posts because the father is always less of an asshole than my own husband with our new baby. I didn’t even get to shower with his help for months. I had to call my mom over to help just so I could do that. His reasoning was that he didn’t want spit up on his shirt.
YTA, when you become a parent that is your biggest responsibility. Notice how your wife is always the one taking care of the baby when you get to do things you enjoy? Going to the gym, staying at a party, hanging with friends. You really need to step it up and be as involved with your baby as she is.