So my fiancé and I recently got engaged. He, let’s call him, Nick (38 M). I am (31 F). Generally very happy. I have an eight-year-old son from a previous relationship, and he is divorced.
So the Fourth of July weekend rolled around. I was genuinely excited as his brother and sister-in-law would be visiting. I was informed at the last minute they were not bringing their children and wanted a child free weekend, keep in mind I have an eight year-old. I certainly understand where they’re coming from as they have two children under three and have another one on the way. My fiancé and I have not yet moved into one house so we own adjoining properties. They stayed in his residence while we stayed in ours.
The first night they got here was nice, my mother was looking after my son so we had a nice dinner as couples. However, on the Fourth of July holiday, I was informed that his brother and sister-in-law wanted a child free day at the beach. I was fine with him joining, however, after several hours of them being at the beach, he notified me that they would be staying there until 9 PM and watching the fireworks together. This broke my heart. Our first Fourth of July together and it felt like he abandoned me and what would soon be our son. We talked through it and I thought we were all good.
That brings me to today. He asked me if he could take them on his boat, again, my son and I were not included as they wanted a child free weekend. So they went out on the boat today together all day long. The boat ended up breaking down and I had to go and bring him to his vehicle to retrieve it. So that brings us to dinner time, we ate dinner all together, including my son, and it was so uncomfortable. We finally got home at around 9 o’clock and again he decided to go to spend time with them, literally knowing I could not come as our son was tucked into bed.
I am so upset and I feel like he really let me and our son down. I felt like an awkward fourth wheel to their weekend. Am I the asshole for feeling this way?
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So my fiancé and I recently got engaged. He, let’s call him, Nick (38 M). I am (31 F). Generally very happy. I have an eight-year-old son from a previous relationship, and he is divorced.
So the Fourth of July weekend rolled around. I was genuinely excited as his brother and sister-in-law would be visiting. I was informed at the last minute they were not bringing their children and wanted a child free weekend, keep in mind I have an eight year-old. I certainly understand where they’re coming from as they have two children under three and have another one on the way. My fiancé and I have not yet moved into one house so we own adjoining properties. They stayed in his residence while we stayed in ours.
The first night they got here was nice, my mother was looking after my son so we had a nice dinner as couples. However, on the Fourth of July holiday, I was informed that his brother and sister-in-law wanted a child free day at the beach. I was fine with him joining, however, after several hours of them being at the beach, he notified me that they would be staying there until 9 PM and watching the fireworks together. This broke my heart. Our first Fourth of July together and it felt like he abandoned me and what would soon be our son. We talked through it and I thought we were all good.
That brings me to today. He asked me if he could take them on his boat, again, my son and I were not included as they wanted a child free weekend. So they went out on the boat today together all day long. The boat ended up breaking down and I had to go and bring him to his vehicle to retrieve it. So that brings us to dinner time, we ate dinner all together, including my son, and it was so uncomfortable. We finally got home at around 9 o’clock and again he decided to go to spend time with them, literally knowing I could not come as our son was tucked into bed.
I am so upset and I feel like he really let me and our son down. I felt like an awkward fourth wheel to their weekend. Am I the asshole for feeling this way?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It sucks that his brother wanted to be child free at the cost of not having you around due to your eight year old, but that’s how they wanted to live their lives. Screw them.
However, your fiance shouldn’t abandon you like that for the 4’th of July all day.
What a total jerk! Honestly, you’re just a prop in the story of his life. NTA
Is this your first 4th of July together? Or as engaged?
It just sounds like he’s used to not having kids around and isn’t thinking his new family first. Could be something in the future that ends up happening a lot or just a “ my brother is in town, I rarely see him and wanted to hang out with him”
INFO: How long have you two been together?
And is your son’s dad in the picture?
NTA
It doesn’t sound like he’s treating your child as his son at all. NTA, but it sounds like you need a clear conversation about your expectations for his involvement with your child when you get married
NAH. It’s Fourth of July not Christmas. Talk to him.
So lame for them to be doing fun stuff and not include your son in planning. Little buddy must be heartbroken. NTA
NTA. I definitely think you need to have a conversation with him about this. There is a difference between wanting a weekend free of your own children, versus children in general. Your son is also 8 years old. It’s not like he’s a toddler who is going to cause issues. Either your fiancé isn’t up to the challenge of being a father, or his brother and sister-in-law have a problem with you and your son.
NAH. I have two kids 13 months apart, and if I’m leaving my OWN kids at home, I certainly don’t want to be around someone else’s. If this is your first 4th of July together, your relationship sounds pretty new. I can tell you though that HE probably wanted a child free weekend more than them or equally which is why he didn’t press the issue. And you having a child in, what appears to be a fairly new situation, have to take more time to get to know the person who will be a major part of YOUR son’s life (you keep saying our and may even be rushing your romantic relationship over the comfort of your partner with your son). But now it’s time to evaluate the entire relationship.
He did let you and your son down. He’s showing you that you are not his priority.
NTA. It’s not just a weekend, it’s your feelings. Partnership means compromise, not compromise of feelings. Stand your ground.
How often does he see his brother? Like, does he see his brother once a year or once a month?
Nah, and are you sure he is going over there? But uh, bring up how you wanted more time together. That’s all I can think of 😮💨
Do not marry this man! He doesn’t give a flip about you or your feelings. It will get worse over time.
How often does he get to see his brother and SIL? If they do not live nearby, and they were setting the child-free terms, he was perhaps grabbing a chance to spend as much time as possible with them before they left again. More info is needed. I can see why you did not feel good about the situation, but the 4th of July does not carry the same emotional context as Christmas or Thanksgiving. If he is generally attentive to you and your daughter, perhaps give him a pass this once. NAH
YTA to yourself and your son. They leave you out, the whole time, their boat breaks and you literally save them and after at dinner they still treat you and your son like nobodies who are annoying their holiday
Why are you exposing your son to this jerk of a potential step parent ? A dog would know this man is evil. Just stop this mess
NO….. you and your son are just an after thought. Dump him now
Give him the ring back and tell him he clearly isn’t ready for being in a relationship. Partnerships include both not excluding. And he and his brother just showed you what life will be for you and your son in the future. I hate telling people to break up, but I can’t imagine staying with someone who is OK to treat their significant other this way. This will hurt, but you’ve dodged a bullet. So sorry, and good luck.
This man needs to be de-fiancéd asap yikes! Let’s face it, they came up with this bogus “child free holiday” bs because they wanted to exclude YOU, knowing you wouldn’t leave the sin behind. What an utter bunch of rancid shrunken walnuts!
Honey, and I say this because you need to acknowledge the truth, you’re part of a couple, he’s single.
Besides being thoughtless, he’s disrespectful.
Or is it just me?
I can’t believe they weren’t accommodating enough to invite you and your son on the boat.
It seems like a convenient excuse to not spend time getting to know you.
Unless your 8 year old is a hell raiser, I don’t see why he couldn’t come too
Nta.
Idk how you can still think he would consider your son his as well after all of this. Everything about this was inconsiderate. If your son can’t be a priority to him the way he obviously is to you, then dump him.
Yeah I want a child free weekend too… what the fuck. When it’s not your children and another pair of hands are there? It is a child free weekend.
NTA. Why do you want to marry someone like this? Were they doing drugs, getting drunk, having an orgy, or are the friends visiting to discuss whether or not your financé should leave you? Because this makes no sense in my mind
NTA and you should have left him and his broke down boat child free.
NTA. That’s not how a future step-dad should act. I’d really think this through if I were you. Once you’re married, how will you feel if he treats your son like an optional family member? Eesh.
My personal opinion is that you should think hard and long before staying with or marrying this man. Likely your son will be the biggest loser and you the close second. No one has to be told what love and consideration looks like – it’s the natural response of a heart. Don’t do this to your son. Your boyfriend clearly is not father material.
NTA. So they showed up at YOUR houses and are now demanding that your son who lives there (and by extension, you) be excluded from literally everything? And your fiance is OK with this? Abso-fucking-lutely not. If they want a child free weekend they need to stay with someone that doesn’t have children.
NTA to me it’s him fucking up a holiday for a kid at the last minute because your fiance wanted to have fun without the kid. Hell no. He isn’t Dad material
You said soon to be OUR son, but does he consider himself your childs father figure? because most parents would stay home with their kids instead of excluding them during a holiday.
Do you not have a voice. Talk to him tell him that’s he is fucking up big time and you’re upset. Give him his ring back. It’s simple
Your son will NEVER be ‘our son’ when it comes to this disappointment of a fiance.
Why are you engaged if you’ve known him a year? You have no idea of who he really is – but you got a peek at him this weekend. He doesn’t value you or your son. Don’t do this to your child – he deserves better.
This is who he is. You talked about it and he did it again. I’m sorry.
NTA
NTA for being upset but YTA for calling your son ‘our’ son. Do not foist this AH on your poor kid as his ‘father’, since he clearly isn’t interested in the role.
NTA – 1. They can have a child free weekend for themselves without their OWN children but they don’t get to dictate what others do with their kids.. especially given they are guests, not hosts. 2. He’s not ready to be a husband or step father if he’s going to abandon you both this easily.
He wants that child free weekend for himself so he found a perfect excuse to use it during his brother and SIL’s visit
NTA. But I would really think about what you’re hoping to get out of this relationship vs. how your fiancé sees the relationship. You say this is your first 4th of July together but also call your son “our son”. This story doesn’t read like a man who prioritizes either your or your son as his family. The two of you need to get real clear real quick on what family means to both of you and what that means as far as priorities in your lives. If this story is any indication of your broader life together, it seems they don’t line up.
This does not bode well for how he will treat you and your son once you are married. He obviously sees your son as YOUR son only.
I don’t like to think of your child being stuck in a household with someone so dismissive of his existence.
You can do better…for yourself and your son.
Don’t marry this guy!!!
What? He is your fiancé after less than a year knowing him? Girrl, that’s a recipe for a disaster marriage
When they told your fiance they wanted a child free weekend he should have told them that was impossible as you have a son. They are obviously welcome to come without THEIR children but you will be there and you will have your son.
Unless you have a history of not watching your son or he had a history of inappropriate behavior then I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like they had to watch your son. You would have been doing that.
I also think your BIL and his wife are incredibly rude.
NTA
Info: how long have you been together? This is vitally important because it sounds like less than one year.
NTA – When people show you who they are – believe them. Your fiancé could have easily done beach day and spent the fireworks with you and your son. He just chose not to.
This will keep repeating. My guess is he might have shown signs like these before too, but they might have been too small to notice or you may have forgiven it easily.
How he treats you is how he treats you. Is that what you want out of your relationship? If it costs me my peace, it’s too expensive. That’s just me, though…
Listen. You’ve barely been together for a year and he’s already involved in your kids life. This is unhealthy to move this fast when kids are involved.
Also, he waited until last minute for you to be informed that it would be a kid less weekend. He is telling you that he’s willing to drop you and your son last minute.
WHY didn’t they inform you sooner? How long was this planned for? You cannot marry a person with a kid and be this flaky. You need to be reliable. Is this his kid? No. But should he still be able to communicate with you ahead of time so you could possibly adjust accordingly. Plus all the Kat’s minute changes and issues during the weekend.
This isn’t a man you marry and encourage to be close to your kid. He will let him down.
If they wanted a child free weekend they should have said so in advance to give you the opportunity to find a baby sitter if you wanted.
If not your partner should have told them Sorry we aren’t child free this weekend but they were welcome to a quiet weekend together where you both didnt participate.
The fact he ditched you and your son says a lot about how he feels about the family dynamic.
Up to you if you are ok with that for your future.!
INFO: can you clarify how long you’ve been together?
“Our first Fourth of July together and it felt like he abandoned me and what would soon be our son.”
“We have been together over a year engaged three months.”
How are you ok with this man treating your son this way? This is horrible. NTA.
He’s not someone I would want to be my son’s Stepdad. His brother and sister in law are more important to him than you and your son. I see lots of RED flags.
NTA. And I think you need to have a conversation with him regarding how he views your child, because you keep saying our but he’s acting like he doesn’t have the same view.
Where is your family? Did you spend the time with them? You keep saying “our son”, are you certain he feels the same way about your child? I see 2 separate issues here. Your need to be a family with him and his side ( your son included ) and their / his aversion to seeing you both as family so soon. Maybe this wasn’t about being child free for the holiday but about spending time with him without you.
Don’t marry him. Your relationship has gone too fast and you need to manage your expectations regarding your son’s place in his and his family’s life. Don’t come back here with something like “my son was excluded from the grandkids’ pictures, gifts etc” because you insisted on foistering him upon people who are cold towards him.
He does not sound like he views your son as his. He doesn’t sound like a guy I’d want around my child, because he was quick to throw you and your son away for a more carefree time. From this weekend, he seems like a fair weather boyfriend and stepfather. If this is a one time thing, maybe, but to suddenly cross your son off the invitation list is damaging. With forewarning but you can make other plans, a playdate for your son, a get together with another family, something thats fun for you and your son to do, but it’s still kind of sad.. Someone said “it isn’t Christmas” but as a parent, major holidays are family time. That’s why they are highly disputed in family court. This boy is not a family man.
Wow they are obnoxious! They excluded their brother’s fiancé from an entire weekend. Your fiancé should not have been accepting of this. I am so sorry he treated you this way. I am worried that he would continue to prioritize others over you and your son if you marry him. NTA
So brother and sil wanted a child free weekend, fiance wanted a holiday weekend with them more than a weekend with you – to the extent that you and your son were excluded, but they did use you as a backup when they needed help, and then made you feel like some sort of weird 3rd wheel. Of course you are NTA, of course you are upset (I know that 3rd wheel feeling amd it can be excruciating), and of course your boyfriend and potentially his bro and SIL are aholes. But don’t refer to this man as your sons dad – he clearly is not. Don’t put your son in that position.
You refer to the boy as “our son” clearly he does not feel the same way. If he did then he would view you all as a unit and a package deal. Want to spend time with me? That means all of us. Fiancé and kid can’t come? Sorry I won’t be going either.
I think when their boat broke down, and you had to go pick them up, I would have told you it wasn’t possible because you weren’t child free and hung up. …
Do not have kids with this asshole. He’ll expect you to take care of them every time he ditches you to be with his family and friends. He’s selfish. NTA
NTA
Either they don’t like you and/or he doesn’t view your relationship the same way you do
NTA. Thats rude as hell. A dinner with the adults is fine, but beach and fireworks with only adults is ridiculous. Did they make everyone else on the beach leave their kids at home? Essentially, they are child free…as in, they don’t have any kids they are responsible for or have to look after. Its really not cool to exclude you and your son. Your fiancee should have put a stop to that. You said they have one on the way, so its not like there was going to be hard core partying that would have been inappropriate for an 8 year old to be around. They all suck.
INFO – You keep saying “our son”. But you aren’t married, and it seems like you haven’t been together for a year? Have you actually discussed with your partner what his expectations are around your son and involvement in his life, whether that’s as a parent figure or otherwise?
NTA, but it’s not “our” son to him. It’s your son. Is this the man you want to marry, because he’s not putting you (collectively) first. I would seriously rethink the relationship.
NTA
Bet my next paycheck he doesn’t say “our son” around anyone but you.
NTA
This is a big red flag. I understand the couple wanting some child-free time, I understand your Fiancé wanting to see his family. But the whole weekend? Not even including you and your son or insisting on some time together? Not even for the fireworks? No, not cool.
It sounds like your fiancé wanted a child free weekend as well.
This doesn’t sound like someone I’d want as a husband, let alone a stepdad to my child.
NTA.
Here’s a giant red flag: You called him your “fiancé” and yet this is your first Fourth of July together, indicating you got engaged without even knowing him a full year?
Slow down and take this as a sign of things to come….