I know it’s taboo but if I could go back in time I would not choose being a mom. As for why I chose to have three kids when I obviously don’t enjoy it, all I can say is that I wasn’t strong enough to resist all of the pressure. Pressure to give my mom grandkids, to give them siblings, to give a son, to do what society expects, all of it. I guess I’m just weak. I’ve done the best that I can do.
Yes I have been to therapy for this. No, it didn’t change how I felt.
It just changed how I handle things. My husband is an amazing, involved Dad so this has nothing to do with any of that. But of course he gets to be the Dad in the family, and I’m the mom.
Well I was with a bunch of other moms working on back to school night things and of course everyone was venting a little. Lots of jokes. Eventually I said something to the tune of “if I could go back in time and do it all over again I wouldn’t, I’d move to NYC and do something else.” It went over like a lead balloon.
A few of the moms were quick to jump in with “but it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it?”
I said I don’t know, not really, and I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life and that I had the chance to be someone or do something and in the end all I am is a mom. Again, lead balloon. Things got awkward and a few women moved away from me. I stopped talking.
One pulled me aside as we were leaving and told me that I should be careful about what I say and that it put a damper on the evening. She said she was sorry I’m going through a rough time but it wasn’t ok to talk like that and it was something for me to talk about with a therapist. I said ok, if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come. She was quick to say “No no we still want you to help” and I said “But you want me to shut up to do it.” She didn’t say anything just made her mouth in a flat line and said to have a good night.
Well we were supposed to go finish setting something up for back to school night and I just didn’t go. They called me and asked where I was and I said since I made them so uncomfortable they could find someone else to get free labor from. The woman who called said all I needed to do was just put on a better attitude when I’m there. I said I’m not a fucking cheerleader, I’m not going to put on a whole song and dance just to glue some fucking streamers to the rafters. She said I was being an asshole about this and I said thanks for the input and hung up.
I just hate all this phony fake bullshit and I’m sick of it. I already have to fake excitement and happiness with my kids all the time and I think I should be able to be real around other moms who get it. Well lay it on me, am I the one that’s wrong?
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I know it’s taboo but if I could go back in time I would not choose being a mom. As for why I chose to have three kids when I obviously don’t enjoy it, all I can say is that I wasn’t strong enough to resist all of the pressure. Pressure to give my mom grandkids, to give them siblings, to give a son, to do what society expects, all of it. I guess I’m just weak. I’ve done the best that I can do. Yes I have been to therapy for this. No, it didn’t change how I felt. It just changed how I handle things. My husband is an amazing, involved Dad so this has nothing to do with any of that. But of course he gets to be the Dad in the family, and I’m the mom.
Well I was with a bunch of other moms working on back to school night things and of course everyone was venting a little. Lots of jokes. Eventually I said something to the tune of “if I could go back in time and do it all over again I wouldn’t, I’d move to NYC and do something else.” It went over like a lead balloon.
A few of the moms were quick to jump in with “but it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it?”
I said I don’t know, not really, and I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life and that I had the chance to be someone or do something and in the end all I am is a mom. Again, lead balloon. Things got awkward and a few women moved away from me. I stopped talking.
One pulled me aside as we were leaving and told me that I should be careful about what I say and that it put a damper on the evening. She said she was sorry I’m going through a rough time but it wasn’t ok to talk like that and it was something for me to talk about with a therapist. I said ok, if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come. She was quick to say “No no we still want you to help” and I said “But you want me to shut up to do it.” She didn’t say anything just made her mouth in a flat line and said to have a good night.
Well we were supposed to go finish setting something up for back to school night and I just didn’t go. They called me and asked where I was and I said since I made them so uncomfortable they could find someone else to get free labor from. The woman who called said all I needed to do was just put on a better attitude when I’m there. I said I’m not a fucking cheerleader, I’m not going to put on a whole song and dance just to glue some fucking streamers to the rafters. She said I was being an asshole about this and I said thanks for the input and hung up.
I just hate all this phony fake bullshit and I’m sick of it. I already have to fake excitement and happiness with my kids all the time and I think I should be able to be real around other moms who get it. Well lay it on me, am I the one that’s wrong?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re not wrong for being honest about your feelings and frustration it’s your life and your truth. That said most social spaces aren’t built for brutal honesty like that and people get uncomfortable because it challenges the happy mask they expect.
Wanting to be real doesn’t make you an asshole but expecting everyone to handle it gracefully isn’t realistic. Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to step back from situations that demand pretending all the time.
NAHEdit: ok, YTAIts ok to feel these things, but the place to discuss that is probably therapy, or with close family/friends, not working with other moms on a back to school night project.
Do I think it’s an AH move to regret your children? Kinda, sure. But I’m not going to put someone down having a hard time, and
MamaAngry-Bitter-Woman-Who-Overshares-At-The-Damn-PTA you seem like you’re having a hard ass time. Talk to someone. Get some help. It gets better. Find your light.Gentle YTA. I get motherhood is hard for you and you don’t enjoy it, but I do think you’re in the wrong here. From the way you explained it these aren’t close friends of yours. They’re acquaintances. You laid some pretty heavy shit on them unasked-for. Venting a bit and making jokes isn’t an invitation for “I wasted my life and I hate being a mom”. That’s the kind of thing you share with a therapist or a close friend. Not a bunch of people you don’t know all that well.
And then you doubled down and refused to help any further unless they let you vent to them. It seems like you took your frustration with a situation they aren’t responsible for out on them for no good reason.
NTA I faced the same pressure. Now I’m 35 with a lot of physical health issues and PTSD and I know if I had children I would have regretted it too. Right now struggling with a bunch of flareups and even hearing my cat makes me want to scream. But women aren’t allowed to talk about any of this. We’re supposed to just shut up and caregive. So I truly feel you.
I think you overshared and it’s ok that other people found that uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound like you were with a small group of close friends, to whom you were confiding complicated feelings in order to get support. Or maybe you felt like you were but it’s clear from their reactions that YOUR venting took the night in an entirely different direction.
So if you don’t feel comfortable going anymore, or don’t feel appreciated, don’t go. But you’re the one who behaved awkwardly and made other people uncomfortable. They aren’t AHs for preferring that you keep the conversation appropriate for the setting and your tantrum at the end wasn’t cool. You’re choosing to see them in the worst possible light – that they just want the help while wanting you to shut up – when in reality they may be trying to include you but would just like to see better boundaries.
Honestly if you are going to let your anger and resentment about parenting color your entire interaction with a parenting-focused activity, why did you go in the first place? You don’t want to hang up some fucking streamers, ok… so you thought you’d go and complain about how much you hate it? Makes no sense.
YTA.
The thing is this is likely going to affect your kids and their friendships. That’s why I, personally, would have continued to fake it.
YTA You need major therapy or just leave.
You bought toxicity into the group, it doesn’t sound this group of friends, more like mums who helping at the kids school, why would you say this to them, of course they going to be side eyeing you.
What was your expectation that other mums also start saying how much they hate being mums and you can band together, okay what they let you say your piece what then ? Now you think this is safe space for you to be negative about motherhood and you start venting more, you will come across as bitter, poisonous and unhealthy person.
They will all start pitying your children and knowing how you feel about the children.
Just get into therapy again.
I don’t how old your children are, but children know.
Children can have a sixth sense even they are not aware of but they can sense something is off.
Time to take some accountability instead of saying mum pressured you or society pressured you.
Ok, I had to really think on this and I am going with soft YTA but I really want to break that down.
1.) You don’t have to be part of this group at all nor honestly should you be. This is a mom group and being a mom isn’t something you enjoy. On a fundamental level you should no longer feel pressured too be there. It is actually really good for your mental health that you have chosen to stop going.
that said….
2.) This is a group of moms that get together for school activities. Not your besties during wine night that you can vent to. A lot of these women most likely want to be moms and want to be there doing things for their kids and yeah your strong dislike of motherhood is a very weird energy to bring when you DON’T have to actually be there.
I get it…well I sort of get it. I’m a mom myself with one child (and no plans for more) and I am a extremely career minded woman. I don’t relate to mom’s in groups like that and so I avoid them like the plague but well….its kinda on me to not go to them. If I were for some reason to go to them it would be kinda messed up for me to sit there and talk about how much I “love my career and am so glad my husband goes 50/50 so I’m not stuck at home” right in front of a bunch of SAHM. There is nothing wrong with SAHM its just not for me. There is nothing wrong with motherhood. Its just not for you. But in either case talking negatively about it in a group of women specifically there to do PTA stuff is just not the place or the time.
Quick Edit: I want to emphasize I relate to feeling like the odd one out being a career mom as opposed to a SAHM. I don’t relate to not wanting to be a mom. I love being a mom. But I actually chose to have my child in a time of my life when I felt ready and stand firm on being a one and done type of mom because my career is important and so is he and so I want to give him the time he deserves without losing myself.
> I said ok, if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come.
YTA. These aren’t your BFFs, they’re women working at parents’ night at your kids’ school. They don’t owe you support or a space for you to vent about choices that you made.
NTA for saying what you said initially, but yeah, YTA for how you handled the phone call. You could have been much more polite about explaining why you weren’t coming anymore. But it seems you don’t value politeness, so you’re going to be the asshole from time to time as a result.
I’m going with YTA, not for how you feel but for not knowing there is a time and place for those types of discussions. This wasn’t a mom support group or group therapy.
This was a group of women, who aren’t really friends, completing a task. They were having superficial conversations. You even discribed it as “little jokes”. You made it all serious and pulled a “Debbie Downer”. You have to read the room.
You’re not wrong for feeling as you do. You feel what you feel. But you’re expressing it in the wrong place, and this is what makes you an A H.
These women are mothers of children who might know your children. People talk, and that talk may get back to your children.. Do you really want them growing up knowing that you wish they hadn’t been born? That’s unkind of you.
This group of mothers isn’t a therapy support group. Your expectation of their function is off base.
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. And we don’t always realise that truth until it is too late. But your children are here, and you have certain obligations to bring them up now. Find what interests you can during this time, and plan your future for when you will be free again to do whatever you feel you missed.
This is a soft YTA, based solely on this incident as described. I don’t actually think you are an AH for thinking as you do, but for acting on it, yes.
YTA- not for your valid feelings of regret, but for not reading the damn room.
NTA
> “but it’s all worth it in the end, isn’t it?”
I never thought so, that’s why I didn’t get any women pregnant. To me, the push to have children comes from people like the old 70’s trope about drugs…
Parents leaning on you “just try one, you’ll really like it.” It’s actually worse with kids compared to drugs, because with kids you’re messing with the life of another human being.
I’m sorry things aren’t working out for you, but remember you have a responsibility to the lives you brought into the world, to love and care for them. As long as you’re holding up that end of the bargain, other people can go kick rocks with their opinions.
That said, you should probably avoid gatherings with mommy groups, much like an alcoholic probably shouldn’t hang around bars.
NTA. You have to protect your energy to be the best parent you can for your kids. That’s what a good parent does. I’m glad that you are saving your energy and not wasting it on conforming to other people’s expectations. The most important thing is that your kids feel wanted and loved. They do not need to know that you regret having kids.
Everybody else can just deal with their discomfort. I am a queer person, and it is just astounding being able to step back and observe the conformity expected of people in their most intimate relationships. You deserve to find adults who can support you and validate your very very understandable feelings.
YTA
People were joking. How is saying you would rather never have children a joke? Or that you could have been somebody? Those statements weren’t jokes, but suddenly resentment and trauma dumping. The moms suggesting it was worth it were trying to steer the conversation to more appropriate waters. The mom that pulled you aside was trying to help you. She acknowledged your difficulties, but also didn’t think the prep meeting was the appropriate place to vent them.
You decide the other parents are your enemy so you won’t follow through on your volunteer commitments.
You have a victim mentality around parenting and around your interactions with the PTA. To be clear, you aren’t the victim.
There’s a time and place for a disclosure like yours. A room full of parents you don’t know, volunteering for a child-centric activity isn’t the time nor place.
NTA. Providing you’re caring for your children and don’t make these feelings obvious to them, you shouldn’t be expected to pretend with other adults.
YTA – Poor kids. Reddit isn’t the real world, don’t be surprised when you say such antisocial things in real life and people don’t react kindly. People don’t want to be around you because they feel absolutely terrible for your kids.
YTA for saying this in public because it could easily get back to your children.
Having said that, children read things how they are and often know exactly what’s going on via their feelings.
You are NTA for having these feelings and wishing you had made different choices. Hopefully you have the time and health to do some of the things you wanted. Don’t give up.
YTA. It’s very uncomfortable when people over share, and you were in a room with other moms who probably love being moms. My MIL feels the same way as you. She regularly says she wishes she was never a mom and wishes she never had kids. She regrets it. She says it every time we see her, in front of my husband. She’s said it his whole life. He feels like absolute dogshit because of it. Please don’t say things like this in front of your children. It’s not their fault you hate being a mom.
YTA. Why are you telling random people that you hate having kids? Especially when these people are mothers connected to your kids’ school. Go to therapy for that.
I love the “but it’s all worth it in the end, right?”. Because some of them probably feel the same way but they have some kind of hope they didn’t fuck up their lives too soon. And just can’t say it out loud because they’re scared what others will think so they just get mad at you for it. Which is kind of funny to me lol.
But I guess yeah ESH maybe wrong crowd to have spoken up to about it.
NAH. Your feelings are valid and you are free to express them, but other people are free to be uncomfortable about it, especially at a kid-centric venue.
This was a hard one because there is so much to consider about the situation, but I’m gonna go with YTA.
It just comes down to time and place. Should you be able to be honest? Yes. Is the mom group doing school projects the place to bring “I hate being a mom” energy? No. Especially since nobody is forcing you to be there.
NTA I think, and I say this as a mother who loves motherhood and her kids, even though being a mom is hard. We always hear from 3 groups of people- 1) the people who have kids and love it, 2) the people who don’t have kids and regret it, and 3) the people who don’t have kids and love it. But we rarely hear from the 4th group, which are the people in your group- the people who have kids and regret it, which is also a group that is silenced way too often because these thoughts are a very taboo subject. I don’t think you were wrong for being honest, and I think adults in general need to hear the full spectrum on feelings about parenting. Are you seeing a therapist? My advice for you is to get a therapist who you can talk to about your motherhood regrets.
YTA
That wasn’t a space for you to lay all that out there. In fact, it was the opposite of the space for it. It’s like going to an animal shelter to help and coming in hot with “I really hate dogs and feel like they ruined my life”… you really thought that was appropriate? It’s attention seeking behavior and profoundly negative. What were you hoping for with that? And then, they tried to give you a lifeline to “fix” your behavior so you could rejoin the group… an opportunity to say “oh, dang, I was having a terrible day, I’m so sorry”, but instead you double down and said basically that if you can’t be a negative nelly then you’re not going to help at all.
Vent to a therapist. You feel justified by saying you shouldn’t have to fake happiness around other moms, but many of those other moms are at that event to have some joy and a good time, not to have more negativity. They shouldn’t have to be responsible for their kids and husband’s moods and feelings and then come to this thing and be responsible for helping you with yours too.
Also, just a psa for you: in studies, venting about problems has been shown to increase the negative feelings about those problems, not decrease them.
YTA it sounds like you are punishing your children for your faults.
if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come – this is the perfect answer – they only want you there for extra hands at that point. You are being a real person they want to be fake which means others might be hiding their feelings to fit in. You are brave enough to voice your mind. If they were only joking, chances are they weren’t. NTA
I was going to say you’re NTA for feeling this way because I am sure that even if it is something that is not verbalized in front of others, you’re not the only mom who has had these types of feelings, but the way you handled things after the fact very much made you look like an AH. The one who pulled you to the side didn’t do it out of malice, I’m sure. Sometimes even though something is true, it can still make others uncomfortable. This would prob be a conversation better suited for your close friends. Then the way you went off when they called to see if you were coming was not called for. They didn’t do anything to justify that kind of reaction from you. The resentment you seem to have in the last paragraph towards your kids DOES make it seem like you might need to talk to a therapist about these feelings. They are innocent and didn’t ask to be here. You HAVE to heal that for your sake and theirs.
NTA and bravo for you! These women are not your friends and you are well rid of them.
Probably some of the women you made the most uncomfortable actually agreed with you, but don’t have the courage to admit that.
You sound bitter (which I totally get, I would be too in your situation) and that is not a charming quality to bring into what sounds like a very informal, yet shallow situation.
I think that their venting is quite different from yours and that’s what went wrong. While they may sometimes feel like chucking their kids out the window, you feel it all the time and for most people that is a world away from their own experience as parents.
I’m not going to give a verdict because it’s a crapshoot no matter what, but I’d like to advise you to find a support group and really rethink how to deal with it at this point. Your life isn’t over just because you’ve procreated and you don’t want to be the kind of parent who stayed and did all you were supposed to out of spite. If you don’t love your children, they know it.
It just sounds like a moment of oversharing in a group of women who are genuinely not there for your honesty, just to have a lighthearted event where everyone does something collectively for the kids. You’re not the AH for having feelings, I promise. It’s just suitability of environment. Keep going to therapy, you’ll heal eventually. Just have to keep putting the work in. You’ll have to probably work on deepening your relationship with your kids. The younger years are just hard because no one listens AT ALL and the mental load is insane
>I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life and that I had the chance to be someone or do something and in the end all I am is a mom
I’m not going to judge you, this is a bigger issue than this subreddit. However, I will say forcing yourself to do ‘mom’ things like this, that is drudgery and busy work and not fulfilling at all if you don’t do it because you’re excited to see your kids enjoy it is only going to make you more and more resentful. Your spending the little free time do do have doing even more ‘mom things’, and I’d bet its because you’re trying to fulfil the role of mother and do it well because you’re a good person.. Stop caring about doing what society demands of mothers and find other ways to connect with your children. Skip the boring mommy meetings where other mothers pretend little Krayden’s a genius because he only ate three crayons today and find something that is fulfilling. A mother who is happy in herself doing weird things will give a child a better childhood than an unhappy one doing all the ‘right things’
YTA because it’s important to know your audience. It would be like showing up to a Twilight convention and saying you wished you’d never watched the movies.
Do you have other friends you can hang out with and talk to?
Just make sure that your daughter Christina knows not to use wire hangers.
NAH. I think everyone’s thoughts and feelings are valid on this situation. You thought it was a safe space to share these thoughts, and found out it wasn’t. They feel differently than you, and were confused by the heaviness of it, and don’t want to hear about it. Both valid things to experience here
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NTA. They could’ve said, “ya, fair enough if that’s how you feel,” instead of trying to get you to say the opposite. It’s similar to when people ask why someone doesn’t want children and keep digging until that person says look, kids take up time, I want to do something else with my life, kids are loud, I enjoy my body the way it is, I want to focus on my career – whatever it is, and then they get all upset about hearing negative aspects of parenthood. How dare you say we made the wrong choice!
Like, leave people be. And telling a bunch of people you don’t enjoy the same thing they do shouldn’t be bringing the mood down. In a group of doctors, if one said “ah look, if I had to choose again, I’d become a truck driver instead,” the doctors would be like, ok, weirdo. And that’s it.
Slight mix here
You are NOT the AH for feeling like being a mom was a mistake. I have lots of kids. It’s hard. Would I go back in time and NOT do it… I don’t think so, but I often think about how much fun it would be to be single and carefree.
It’s a different life.
But, I do think slightly YTA for being a wet blanket in your friend group. It’s fine to have regrets, and it’s fine to express them gently – but you have to read the room. I think your initial comment was fine, but I don’t think the group was looking for therapy of you to follow it up with, “well, no this was a horrible decision we all share in.” But anyway – it’s just a one off mistake. Move on. Pouting and not going feels like a terrible overreaction.
If you hate the school activities and you hate being a mom – then don’t go. Get a divorce. Put the kids up, whatever. But being pissy makes you the AH. If you need emotional support, seek it out – don’t dump on a group of yoga ladies doing afterschool work.
NAH. Sometimes, I wish that both men and women were a bit more honest with themselves and with others about the so-called joys of rearing children, the way that you have been. You’ve given voice to what many of my friends (whose kids have grown up, no less) feel but won’t say.
Remember that a lot of people “lead lives of quiet desperation” and they don’t want to hear your kind of honesty. Some of us do end up feeling that “it was all worth it” when the kids grow up and leave — that is, until the kids tell/ask us to do it all over again with our grandchildren! Others tell themselves that “it was all worth it” because the alternative is too painful to deal with.
In some settings, it’s better to say nothing. I think that a PTA counts as one such setting.
NAH because you are entitled to say how you feel, but honestly you sound exhausting to be around. Do your kids a favor and go live out your dreams in NYC. There is nothing worse than an old person who thinks they could have been someone important or done something special if only they didn’t have kids to take care of. And then constantly remind their kids of everything given up for them. Go try to be that version of yourself so you can never blame your kids for holding you back. You husband sounds like the better parent anyway.
YTA – You most certainly are entitled to your feelings about being a mom. However, this is not your bff and not the correct forum to vocalize in front of strangers who were there to cheerlead volunteering for a child activity. You were the Debbie Downer. What were you expecting to happen in a group of moms? Saying your truth and what? Getting support? Just because it’s true, polite decorum says that not all things need to be vocalized. The other mom was indeed correct. You need to realize that you volunteered for this activity, so being a Debbie Downer does not add to the volunteer group dynamic. You were not gracious by refusing to volunteer because they actually need your help. You got defensive. You have a problem. Your not happy and you are looking for others to validate that your feelings are ok and if they don’t you retaliate.
Being a mom is hard, even if a woman loves the job, it’s the hardest job in the world. It’s ok to say you are not enjoying being a mom. However, you have 3 children by your own choice (even if it was the wrong choice for you) that didn’t ask to be beget. You need to find a way to be more positive and manage your stress because it’s a lifetime job (yup even after they are adults). Figure out a way to do and behave better.
YTA. What’s wrong with you? Time and place. That’s for the therapist not for that setting in which you shared. Just selfish.
ESH. I get it, OP. I would lie down in traffic for my kid and if I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I would not become a parent. It’s hard every day and being a mom is not a great fit for me.
I don’t think YTA for raising the issue. I think you and everyone else sucks for how you all handled it after.
I’m sorry you don’t have more supportive people around you and for the circumstances that meant you didn’t feel you had a choice to become a mom.
NTA. You are right. Just like all the people in your life they want to use you and you should just shut up. Tell your truth. They can tell theirs. Is there any way for you to get out? I worked with a woman who gave custody to her husband. She pursued her dreams. It is never too late. Rather than hanging banners start looking into training in something you would like to do. You are only trapped if you don’t try to find a way out.
NTA/NAH, you just mistook real friends who want honesty for yet another song and dance you’re expected to do as a woman and a mother. But I don’t blame them either, they clearly have an expectation for the time and scope of these get togethers, and there are a lot of topics mom groups and casual female friends avoid to keep the peace (like, say, sexual harassment, reproductive rights, or all the other dark stuff women need to smile through).
I doubt they even all disagreed with you, it’s just taboo to say and you’re ruining the illusion. You need to find some other mom friends, check for anyone smoking at the edge of the next kids sporting event LOL. Or just go to the Reddit regretfulparenting group and keep things more low key IRL.
NTA. These people are supposed to be your community, and communities should offer support – not judgement. It would have been super cool if a mom had been able to validate your feelings by saying ‘that really sucks, and it must be tough to feel like that and put on a happy face for your kids all the time because you’re such a great mom, even if it’s not your cup of tea. That’s a lot of work!’ That ‘you can love your kids AND not love being a mom – they are two different things.’ God forbid someone had piped up and said what I hear a lot – ‘I feel like a glorified car service or a maid in addition to having a full time job’ (IDK if you work, just saying). We should talk about this more, it should be OK in our society to discuss the pressures to have children and double standards of motherhood versus fatherhood, even when your partner is a great parent as you mentioned.
And I agree that if they don’t want you to be yourself, you have no obligation to go volunteer. It’s not like you go to every event with a puss on, complaining about your kids and how you hate your life. You were honest in a conversation where you thought you were among people who, though they may have a different experience, could at least listen to your own personal feelings about YOUR life without taking it as an attack or judging you for it. I’m sorry that wasn’t the case, and don’t for a second feel bad about not going back. I wouldn’t either.
I hope have the bandwidth to find something to put your time and efforts into that brings you joy and personal fulfillment (though I know not all parents do, and often volunteering for kid stuff is more acceptable to those around you and convenient to participate in). Maybe something doesn’t revolve around your kids. It’s not selfish, in fact, it’s important for kids to see that both of their parents have lives outside of caring for them 100% of the time. That’s one way kids learn that they have options for themselves when the time comes. Truly wishing you the best of luck. <3
ESH. This was a real “read the room” moment and you doubled down. Them because once you said you would not be participating in these gatherings you should have been left alone. How else are you supposed to respond when being pestered? They never should have called you to check in on your whereabouts.
You do really need to consider therapy if you can. You need to be able to talk about this in an appropriate setting.
NTA for this interaction, but please please make sure your kids feel loved and wanted.
Well you are not the ahole for having feelings but you should for sure not be a mother and I feel sorry for your kids. Just make sure you give your husband full custody when the divorce happens.
> I think I should be able to be real around other moms who get it.
You absolutely should. This is not those moms NAH.
I’m leaving NAH, I’m sure there are other parents who regret having children. It’s okay to vent, these just aren’t the people for it. They felt uncomfortable and it’s okay if you don’t all agree. Now if you treat your kids like you don’t want them, that’s a different story. Also maybe you can revamp how you and your husband divide labor? You could read “fair play” by Eve Rodsky!
NTA. I wish women were supported to be honest about the difficulties of motherhood. The cultural idolising of motherhood is controlling and manipulative and I’m sorry you don’t have better friends. I don’t think you were wrong and you handled the phone call perfectly!
Google the reaction to Rachel Cusk’s book about motherhood called A Life’s Work – it might help you feel less alone.
To answer the one lady’s question”It’s all worth it in the end isn’t it?” Well not from world. I’m 54 my kids are grown and treat me like garbage. I avoid them at all cost. Only enjoyment from them are the grandkids that they use as weapons against me. I would not do it again for anything.
Sorry, OP, that belongs in the regretfulparents subreddit, not at basically a gathering of people momming professionally. It’s also totally fine to avoid groups like this.
YTA. I mean yeah in a mom group it was probably a bad joke. And then you doubled down when someone told you they were uncomfortable. You’re not the asshole for not going but like Jesus read the room girl. Hopefully you never say anything like that to your kids.
YTA. There are right times and right places – this was neither the right time or the right place. You drop bombs like that around your very close friends. Now they just know you as the unhinged asshole.
What made you think they gave a shit about you to that degree?
NTA. A lot of people feel that way and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. As long as your kids are not aware of it
NTA… just because
Yta
You were a wet blanket, and quite frankly told people not in your inner circle something that would cause your children massive, massive issues if it got out.
I’m going to do the rare (for me) ESH. You have to know your crowd. You were feeling the mom camaraderie and opened up. Nothing totally wrong there, but the minute you got push back, you should’ve dropped it. A volunteer session is not the place if you don’t know those moms well. It sucks to not be able to be 100% honest, but in those circumstances, people are just dealing in pleasantries. You have to find your people. The person who pulled you aside could have been A LOT nicer. I would have been pissed to be chastised. But yeah, they want your volunteer hours. Literally allll they care about. They got a live one on the hook and don’t want to throw her back. I did so much volunteering at the schools over many years and only found like one or two moms I could really let loose with. The mom network is a notorious gossip mill and you just gave it sooo much grist. If I were there I would have high fived you then asked if you were okay afterwards. I hope you can work through your feelings.
NTA. You are allowed to feel how you feel. You’re probably not a good fit for that group. That group seems to want women who don’t regret being moms. Theres nothing wrong with how you feel or expressing how you feel. It just doesn’t seem to be a vibe these ladies want around. That’s okay, and it seems like you realize it.
I would rule NAH, but those women are not entitled to demand your volunteer work. You wanted to step away after it became clear your viewpoint and experience weren’t welcome by them. They demanded you keep doing work for them. That is where they crossed the line and became the AH.
I share some similar regrets. Ppl don’t want to hear it, but a setting you felt safe in wants you to shut up about it. Thats not cool, at all. I’d drop out of these gatherings, as well. What they don’t get is you’re doing your best. Everyone needs support. Them telling you to put on a happy face and shut up is like a man telling a woman to smile more, but worse.
You’re a huge asshole. You said “I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life and …. in the end all I am is a mom.”
And how do you think a room full of moms would feel about that? It’s insulting.
Poor kids. You’re not great interacting with other moms, hard to believe you’re great with your kids either.
You should be able to be honest with moms who get it, but these ones clearly don’t. It doesn’t sound like you’re friendly enough with these people to have shared as much as you did. I think you overshared and then acted like an asshole by saying if you can’t be openly negative about your children and experience with motherhood at an event that is supposed to be for the kids, you’re not going to come. Why do you need to talk honestly about how you feel with these people you aren’t friends with? There’s a lot of feelings I have that are maybe societally a little taboo, I don’t say I need to be able to discuss them in mixed company with people I barely know or I’m not going.
There are things that are appropriate to share only in certain contexts, and something so heavy as “I wish I never had all 3 of my kids” is definitely something that you need to be mindful of expressing. They aren’t wrong: that’s something that’s appropriate to share in a therapy context. NOT in the context of hanging streamers. All of the women there have their own lives and problems, and none of them showed up that night to have you dump something heavy like this on them. They have every right to push back, disengage, set their own boundaries, and ask you to be more mindful of the context and the situation. Again, this ISN’T group therapy where the point is to be honest and open up. This is a back to school night where people are showing up to chit chat and hang streamers.
Also, your kids are PEOPLE. They don’t need all the parents at their school knowing that their mom doesn’t want them. That’s so horrible to share at something connected to your kids’ school, and such a burden to put on the other parents. The other parents don’t want to know that. They don’t want to deal with that.
Sorry you’re sick of “faking it”, but that’s on you. YOU made the choices to have 3 kids you didn’t want. YOU signed up to fake it. No one else did, and no one else is obligated to listen to you dump about it except for the people closest to you and the therapist you pay to listen. Not these women. This is the burden you signed up for, so bear it. And why do you think they get it? Just because they are moms? Or women? Frankly, most of them probably can’t relate. In a day and age where staying child-free has never been easier, a lot of moms are moms by choice. Many of these women likely desperately wanted their children and love being mothers, even if it is hard sometimes and they need to let off steam. Some may have even gone through hell and high water to get their kids here (infertility, difficult pregnancies, medical complications after birth, etc.), you think someone like that is going to relate to your “I casually had kids and now I regret being a mom” journey?
Read the room. Not all groups are there to be support groups for your heavy emotions. This is a volunteer group. Just because it is comprised of women, that doesn’t mean they’re there to do emotional lifting for you. This isn’t a place to “be honest”. This is a place to hang streamers and chit chat with the other moms.
YTA
NTA. And those are obviously not your people. Plenty of moms regret it. That’s why they were so uncomfortable.
NAH. Gently, you need therapy. To manage this, to manage your approach to others, to manage everything. None of this is unusual, but it’s a lot, and it doesn’t sound like it’s being managed in a healthy or positive way–for you, for your family, and for those around you.
Soft YTA – There’s a line between sharing with friends and trauma dumping. If you aren’t close to all these other moms and the mood was currently lighthearted, that was not the time to start telling them how you feel like you’ve wasted your life. They were probably there to have a fun night hanging with other moms while working on getting the kids ready for school, not trauma bond.
You don’t have to gush about how much you looooove being a mom if you don’t feel it, but you also don’t have to go to the opposite extreme like you did and wreck the mood. You can just match their energy by sharing small complaints/vents of your own.
You can also work on getting closer to a few of these moms so you can have other mom’s to share more serious conversations with in the right setting. (Example: Your bestie’s birthday party is not the right night to talk about this. A chill night in drinking some wine might be though.)
Also, your life isn’t over. While it’s true you’ll always be a mom, that doesn’t have to be ALL you are. Whether you start a small hobby now or pursue something once all you kids are older, you can be more than just a mom. My sister is a mom of three and once the youngest was middle school/junior high aged, I noticed her reconnecting with old hobbies (reading) and developing new ones (she started running 5k’s!). Those are small things, but even if you wanted to do something bigger, my dad had 4 kids and got his PhD in his late 50s/early 60s!
I’m going with NTA, because you are completely allowed to have your feelings, and as a mom I can empathize to some extent. But, YTA to yourself and everyone else for volunteering to do kid stuff when you clearly have no interest or desire to do so. You don’t have to volunteer at the school or with the other parents. There are plenty of parents who are barely or never involved in their kids’ lives (my BIL comes to mind…) Stick to your own lane and stay away from school stuff. You need to provide for your children, at LEAST financially, but there’s no rule that you have to be involved with all the other stuff.
YTA. Not the kinda baggage you bring to a PTO meeting or whatever. 100% correct in saying that’s a therapist conversation. Not what you dump on a bunch of people.
YTA this was not the time or place for this conversation and definitely not the audience. I feel like the last part of what you said makes it feel like you thought the other women secretly felt the same way, but they probably don’t. They’re not being fake, they may genuinely enjoy being moms even if they have some complaints. You made them uncomfortable by trauma dumping like it was some kind of support group
NTA
I see some comments stating that you were over sharing, but IMO I think that was a normal amount of sharing, you were just saying the unspoken and taboo part of parenting that’s not as uncommon as some people admit, and that made them uncomfortable. It’s like everyone knows one person, probably more, who regrets having children, but as soon as it’s said out loud they’re in the wrong.
Unhappy parents, especially mothers, are expected to just shut up and put on the pretty, happy face not just for their children, but for society and in turn perpetuate the same bs pressure to their children when they’re grown. How many mothers and fathers that didn’t want children, or did and were dissatisfied with everything that comes with birthing and raising children, end up putting the same pressure on their children and their grandchildren.
And I feel for you now because it seems like there’s nowhere you can really be honest with yourself besides with your therapist at this point.
NTA but read the room. Why did you think your comments would go over well with a bunch of volunteering moms who you don’t know well? Stop volunteering for stuff like that. You are struggling with resenting motherhood and there is no reason to add more to your plate to resent. Plenty of moms simply say no when pressured to do extras that they don’t want to do. That is a skill set you can and should learn.
You’re not weak, being a mom is extra hard, 3 kids is uber hard. You expected the “village” to acknowledge you, perhaps show you some support too, a hug or something. The village didn’t replied that way. They were also probably caught off-guard and doubled-down. Let alone that many people don’t know to handle emotions. You overshared in front of other moms who have made being a mommy their identity.
Your best bet is to text the leading mom / all of them you are sorry for your outburst, and leave it at that. (“Hi, I am sorry I overshared and over-reacted. As you mentioned, I am having a hard time and I appreciated you reaching out afterwards. I will restrain myself from the PTA activities for this year as I need to focus on my mental health”. It’s enough.
You obviously won’t move to NYC by yourself by now. But perhaps you can hire a babysitter and give you some space and time to start something on your own? Or even perhaps find a job or go to grad school, something that can help you build an identity outside of momming. From what I gather, it’s not that you don’t love your kids, it’s more that you need to love yourself again. Go back to therapy and coaching. It will help! and hire some help!
I’m not going to give a judgement yet, but i think you would benefit from r/regretfulparents
There is a lot of stigma against parents admitting their struggle,n or regretting having kids, which can makevit really hard to deal with. Can you afford therapy?
I wish more women would talk about this. I feel like motherhood has been polished to an high shine, and all the bad parts shellacked over because “it’s all worth it in the end,” and for a percentage of women, it’s not that at all. Obvi this should not be expressed to kids, and they should still be loved and cherished.
Two feelings can exist at the same time! You can love your kids and still wonder and dream about an alternative life.
However, in this instance, it’s not what you said, but where and when. Soft YTA. I think you need different mom friends who you can relate better to.
Get an after-school nanny or after-school program or daycare and go back to work. This might alleviate your anger. Take a two-week vacation alone and apply for jobs.
YTA to yourself, the mothers whose choice you inadvertantly demeaned, and your children who will now have a reputation as the kids of the mother who hates being a mother. You didn’t intend this. You shot yourself in the foot because you are very angry about your situation.
When I was really angry at a certain person, I swam it off in my local pool, and boy, did I swim fast and hard. Find an outlet. Get a job.
NTA. They probably reacted like that because they feel the same but just don’t feel like they can say it.
I don’t have kids myself but my sister often talks about how she wouldn’t have kids if she could do it again. I think it’s important you find a space you can talk about this without being shamed.
You can accept the decisions you’ve made and sounds like you’ve done so, still try to be a good mum etc.
I personally think it’s a massive shame we live in a society that treats women like this, makes you out to be in need of therapy for simply regretting a decision you made. There are loads of reasons these days people don’t want children, it’s fucking hard! The society we have built isn’t built for raising children for a lot of people it’s a real struggle.
That doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or aren’t doing your best and it should be ok for you to admit that it’s hard, maybe feeling able to do so would make it easier.
There are people out there that will listen to you without judgement I’m sure and I hope you can find them.
I will say though, don’t say this to or around your children, it can be really damaging. I know my mum said this a lot when I was growing up and it felt like her way (one of many) of putting distance between us. We have a really strained relationship now. She is only human though I know, but I wish she didn’t have kids either, she’d have been a lot happier. Don’t get me wrong I like existing, but I can see how it wasn’t the right choice for her and that’s ok but it’s an odd space to exist in.
Anyway it’s ok to not like something and children is pretty much the only thing you can regret but basically have to stick with and have no way out of. It must be really hard.
That said life throws you shit and you’ve just gotta deal with it sometimes. You can’t have a do over, at least not in this life. And living in a fantasy of if-only is a recipe for depression.
I wish you all the best
You’re not the asshole for feeling what you feel and you were not the asshole for voicing it. However YTA for how you responded to requests to pipe it down. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but to put down the activity others enjoy and calling their enjoyment “phoney bullshit” is out of line.
It sounds you’re still giving in to societal pressure, ae I’m pretty sure this glueing stuff to rafters is not mandatory and you went because “good Moms should” and “what will other Moms think” if you won’t. That’s something to talk to your therapist about.
YTA but softly. You are going through a lot and your feelings are heavy and deserve to be heard out by someone else.
That said, this was not the place. These people are not your friends, you cant just dump a huge, bad emotion vent on them. Most likely you dont have a great support network if this just vomited up at this opportunity to share. And that sucks. But its still on you to manage your feelings and be responsible for your own behavior.
Please seek therapy. I say this as someone who has been in therapy for years. It will help.
YTA. Read the room and don’t trauma dump on people. This is a good thing to discuss with close friends, family and therapists, not random people who have to be there and do stuff. If getting things done came at the cost of people being depressing, I’d rather take more of the workload and not have to listen to people’s woes unwarned.
NTA. We should be able to be so honest with all people…. don’t like it? Bugger off with them, THEY can put in the work to separate while the honest ones that are not afraid to swim the depths of life and life’s challenges go on and make real and genuine connections. Meeting these things with honesty is the only way to move forward and feel whole. These other woman are just throwing their lives away, lying to themselves to make themselves feel better about choices that maybe they’re not happy with either. So many women are pressured into the White Picket Fence and Lifescript(™️) that they never think about the alternative or even alternative options to help with their current situations. I’m proud of you for realizing that you weren’t entirely happy and you’re making adjustments (they will come through!) Which means you’re grapping life by the balls as its meant to be. I do know kids at this age are a handful, especially as someone who hates loud noises, but as others have said, its a phase for them and you just have to hold steady until then, not easy, I know. Keep up the work, its what makes it get better.
NTA. People don’t want to hear the alternative to happy mom. Society must keep lying to women to convince them to birth the future workers and taxpayers. If women understand the reality, there will be fewer who elect to have kids. And I guess these fragile egos just didn’t want to hear what they probably already feel. It’s a scary reminder that they have their own regrets. Again, they are fragile. Not you.
I think you were brilliant. You don’t need to be a cheerleader to volunteer. If they can’t handle it, you don’t need to help out.
This could have come right out of the mouth of my mother. The rage is always there and palpable. Never said it directly to me but we all knew. And the emotional scars, even after years of therapy, have dramatically affected my life. You appear to be looking for some kind of validation which mystifies me. You are welcome to express your feelings but do it in an appropriate forum. This was neither the place nor the time. YTA.
No one’s the asshole here. I get the vibe they want and I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s just not a good fit and that’s perfectly fine. The only asshole is the woman who insulted you for not wanting to be fake.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. You made the choices you felt were available to you at the time. It is what it is. You’re doing what you need to and with the tools your therapist gave you. You’ve adapted and are working with it.
I hope when your kids become adults your relationship with them becomes less resentful (not assigning blame or fault, just describing the situation) so you can hopefully relate to them more as peers. I’m not saying that the parent/child relationship will be easier but that it will be more easily pushed aside so you talk to them like friends. They’ll have their dad for managing that part. You can be the logical fixer.
I have no doubt there’s others online that are in the same situation as you and can relate if you need support.
YTA. When the other moms go home and tell their husbands/families about the negative asshole at PTA who hates being a mom and regrets her kids, it is very easy for your kids to hear it come back around.
You sound like like you would rather wallow in your own self pity and regret than do anything meaningul about it. If this is how you act in public around people you don’t know well I cannot imagine what you are like at home. If you hate being a mom so much get a divorce and give up custody, no mom is better than a resentful one who blames you for their life not turning out how they wanted.
Yta and stop taking your selfish shit on your kids that YOU DECIDED to have
You sound extremely depressed and I hope you get some help for that. Yes, it’s rude to be belittling and demoralising to your peers. It’s not weird of them to push back on that and it’s nice of them to address it with you directly and keep you included. It sounds like you are struggling with profound depression that is coloring your perception. Being a mother is being somebody.
NTA for this interaction but seriously maybe save for therapy not college.
You are going to do a number on your kids. Jesus Christ, an absent parent might be better than being raised by one that hates you.
YTA. Not for your feelings, but for when and how you chose to pour them out. You were volunteering for school event, and it sounds like people were making lighthearted comments while working. Your comments were like a bomb dropped unexpectedly when the other people you were with weren’t in a position to give it their full attention. And then when you didn’t get the reaction you wanted, you bailed out on the rest of the volunteer work.
I have the utmost respect for what you are feeling, and you should be able to trust your close friends with those feelings. But it sounds like you choose an inappropriate time to share them and now are blaming others for no giving you the reaction you wanted.
NAH. It sounds like you’re looking for support and these simply aren’t the type of women you can get it from.
I think you need more therapy.
First of all… wrong audience for this kind of talk. It sounds like you were at a PTA type event (something entirely voluntary, BTW, and full of moms who embrace motherhood – that’s literally WHY they’re there). It would be like showing up to a church event and rambling on about how you’re an atheist. Like, cool, we’re all entitled to our own opinion, but… why are you here, exactly?
To YOU, this is phony, fake bullshit… but… to them, it’s not. They actually DO enjoy motherhood (so do I, by the way – it is possible to love it and be good at it). They’re not being fake.
I mean, I complain about some things related to parenting, I get tired and stressed, etc. – motherhood is hard, sure…. but I would never say what you said, and I don’t think that most moms would. I would choose my son and motherhood over and over and over again, in every lifetime. (And I do have a successful career, by the way – I’m not “just a mom” – not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I’m not some trad-wife.)
“You should be able to be real around other moms who get it” – Ok… then find other moms who are in YOUR situation. Not ALL moms are. Find a support group for people like you. Don’t assume that all other moms feel the way you do. We don’t.
I love being a mom. I love my child. I don’t regret motherhood for a second, and would never want to go back and do anything else. You think that every mom feels the way you do and you’re the only one being honest. But that’s not true.
You dropped these “truth bombs” on these women you barely know. You regret motherhood, you wish you could have done something else with your life… even if they weren’t such controversial things to say to this particular audience, it’s still a lot of information to drop on people you barely know. So, you’re oversharing in general, which is also taboo.
Please find a new therapist. If you want a career… go get one. Go back to school. Do something different. You’re not dead. You can still change your life if the one you have isn’t working for you. Stop judging other women and assuming they all feel the way you do.
YTA, not the right time or place. You overshared to a group of people who aren’t your close friends.
YTA to your kids here actually. I’m a mom, too – and I hated a lot of it, but I would NEVER HAVE SAID THAT where it could get back to my kids. You don’t know or trust these women and they’re clearly vindictive.
YTA because you just screwed over your kids having solid social lives where ever you live. You think these women won’t talk about this?
Yeah your feelings are valid and you should voice them IN THERAPY ONLY because it will permanently damage your children to even have an INKLING that you would prefer a life without them.
Please go back to therapy. Yeah, you wish you made different choices. But there’s nothing to be done about it now except making the best out of the path you are already on. You can be depressed about and take it out on others, or you can heal yourself and do the best with what you have.
NTA more moms then you think feel thia way. Just people get uncomfortable if you express it.
No one can time travel so of course they don’t understand the if I could go back
How it would actually work…. none of this would matter!! I get it.
A soft YTA. I mean, you are totally valid having your feelings, of course! But you should know to read your audience. I think your first statement is fine, but it’s just not realistic to expect to be 100% yourself all the time in every situation. After people started jumping in and uncomfortable about what you said, it would have been a bit more socially astute and said something noncommittal. It wasn’t a group therapy session to gripe about being parents. Most of the people who are there helping out at a school is because they are engaged, active parents for whom being a parent is a big part of their identity.
What you said challenged their identity as parents.
Here’s the thing, now that you made your thoughts clear, the others know how you feel. Maybe if you keep going to the activities, you’ll have other moms who feel like you do reach out and find ways to hang out separate from the activity nights. Then you can have your support group.
In my experience, many moms are extremely judgemental. There are exceptions of course, but I found basically to bite my tongue about anything child related at all times around moms. It’s rare that two will agree on everything, and many issues are divisive. It makes me sad because dad’s don’t have issues talking about making kid mistakes, wondering how life would be without the responsibilities, or not being a perfect parent.
I think more women feel this way than will ever admit honestly, at least at some point though few will ever admit it. I thought about it a few times at 3am when I wanted nothing more than to get some sleep, especially when I had a college class first thing the next morning.
If I were you, I would find a non mommy group to hang with on occasion. Do things for you. Chase your dreams how you can, given your current situation. I wound up taking the kids with me to new York to chase my dreams, and that’s ok. No two paths are the same.
YTA. You say you wanted to express yourself with other mums who get it. But they don’t get it. They, presumably, are happy with their choices to have kids even if they do crack the usual jokes about parenting being hard sometimes. It was a superficial conversation with people who aren’t really your friends, and your behaviour when called out was childish and defensive.
I do think they were a bit obnoxious in the way they told you to change your attitude, but also, change your attitude.
NTA and you need to find another group of friends who aren’t all mothers.
I was raised strict Catholic (not anymore!) and honestly did not even realize it was an option for me to NOT have kids until I was well into my 20s.
I got soooooo much slack from friends and relatives telling me I HAVE to have children or I’ll regret it.
Well, I’m 63 and never been happier and think about it as the best decision I ever made in my life.
I was the happiest women in the world when i hit menopause and told them now they can all leave me the fuck alone!
I’m sorry OP. I don’t mean to rub salt in the wound and have no helpful advice other then to wait until they’re all grown so you can be free.
I hope other young women who are in this situation read this from you (and me) and know it’s an option.
YTA there’s a time and a place, and this aint it.
Go to therapy and learn to take accountability for your choices. None of those ladies caused this to happen to you. Your kids didn’t cause this to happen to you. You did. You need to learn to deal with that and not take it out on whoever is nearby. ASAP, before your kids are old enough to figure out they’re unwanted.
The other moms may not get it. Other moms in the group may have had fertility issues you are unaware of. Maybe they tried for years to have their kids or are still desperately wishing for more.
I’m sorry about your past and I’m sorry you ultimately aren’t living the life you want, but a lot of moms really, really want their kids.
I’m a mom and it’s my favorite thing. If we could afford it, I would quit my job and have 2 more kids (I have 2 now). I’m not a trad wife or anything like that, but I just love spending time with my kids and watching them grow and enjoy their childhoods
And while there are bad days and moms vent to each other about certain things, your particular vent would definitely bring down the mood and create a weird vibe. I would feel uncomfortable as well, especially in that situation.
But, the driving factor for me is how you say you don’t like “phoney fake bullshit”. Sometimes in life you have to put on a specific version of yourself that’s not natural. It’s just part of life and it normally happens when your meeting new people or working. Every time I hear someone say they “refuse to me fake” it feels more like they refuse to participate in polite, common situations.
YTA
NTA for feeling that way about your life, but why did you think a PTA volunteering moms group was the place to announce you hate being a mom? It sounds like you are the one who brought it up, not someone asking you. There’s a difference between venting and what you did.
YTA for how you are responding. Calling those other women phoney for not sharing your feelings of regret isnt fair. It sounds like you dont enjoy PTA, so stop doing PTA. Don’t go to a thing you hate and resent and make it unpleasant for the people who actually enjoy it. And when someone calls to find out why you didn’t show, you actually can express in a polite way that you dont find it a fulfilling activity. You chose to be rude about it.
YTA. You just told your kids’ friends’ parents that you regret their existence. How are you not the TA?
These aren’t people you are close to. These are people working to make your kids’ lives better, and you just dumped on them that you wish they didn’t exist.
Your kids, if they don’t already know, will find out that you wish they weren’t alive and that’s fucking horrible.
YTA. NOT for your feelings about being a mom or even really for sharing them. I am only giving the judgement for HOW you handled the situation and how you were responding. You can ‘be real’ with friends and a therapist but this wasn’t the right environment to share these feelings. Like, hello, these women are ONLY gathered together to help and celebrate their kids; there’s no other thread tying this group of people together. Additionally it seems like you were feeling pretty defensive and being very confrontational with your responses.
What I don’t get is why you are “just a mom” if you don’t enjoy it. Plenty of moms work and have other things going on. I love being a mom but I knew my limits so I have one child. I work and build my own wealth and generally have the kind of job I’d have if I didn’t have kids. If the reason is because you aren’t qualified for a job that would cover child care, then it’s unlikely you’d be qualified for a glamorous life in NYC without kids. It just doesn’t logically pan out for me.
As far as whether your TA, I’d say NAH. A mom group is not the place for that kind of venting. The majority of moms in that setting can’t relate and it does make other mothers worry that your kids might not be getting the best experience they deserve from you. So you’re looking in the wrong place for other moms who get it. They aren’t there. Find some friends who are child free and spend some adult time with them. Carve out some time for yourself so that you can get a break. Those friends would better understand where you are coming from. The PTA is not that group.
Yikes. Right now I just feel very sorry for your kids.
No judgment here, i absolutely understand how you feel. I don’t regret having kids as much as you do but also I think my life would be better and easier and happier if I hadn’t. It’s hard because no one wants to hear that, they either truly feel motherhood is a miracle and the best thing they can do with their lives or they choose to believe it rather than be honest about it. I don’t know. But these feelings are feelings I’ve only shared with like two people, which I think is where you went wrong – you were honest (which I think is great, because it lets other moms know that maybe the resentment they feel is a bit more normal than they’re led to believe), but also it wasn’t the right people, time or place to be so honest. I’m sorry they weren’t more sympathetic or understanding that not everyone thinks motherhood is the be all and end all.
YTA. Look, nobody ever in the history of ever actively enjoys volunteering for school events. Parents still do it because they love their children – even if they have ambivalent feelings about their life choices, as you do – and want to provide good experiences for them.
It’s not a support group for parents. They didn’t sign up to volunteer at the school to discuss uncomfortable topics.
You WERE being a wet blanket, and you are extremely unreasonable to think that you are entitled to express yourself with brutal honesty anytime anywhere even if it is not the setting and/or it makes the group uncomfortable. That’s just AH behavior.
Also, personally, double YTA for first freely signing up to volunteer for something and then leaving the group high and dry without communication when they simply told you you were making them uncomfortable. You should have just finished the task and then not sign up again for future events.
You seem extremely bitter over your life choices. Your feelings are valid, but what it is not valid is trying to discuss your bitterness with a bunch of people who aren’t interested, didn’t sign up for it, and were simply trying to get stuff done and even maybe have some fun doing it.
It’s not fake. It’s just wanting to get shit down without being trauma dumped on by that person who doesn’t want to read the room.
Maybe N T A at first but all your responses are really rude so YTA
YTA not for having these feelings but for the way, the time and place you brought them up in. This stuff is highly emotional and sensitive. People are quietly going through infertility, miscarriages, emotional struggles around not being able to have kids. Talk to a trusted friend or trusted friend group or a therapist. There are people who will be happy to talk about this with you but it will be very triggering to others who just wanna get through their day.
Ehh, if they want your labor, then they can put up with you being less than an enthusiastic mother. NTA.
N T A for feeling the way you do, but YTA in this situation.
I sympathise with your situation, I truly do, but time and place, Jesus.
“if I can’t be honest in this group, I just won’t come”
Get over yourself, you don’t get to only pull your weight at your kids’ school if you get to trauma dump, this isn’t a support group.
“But you want me to shut up to do it”
Yeah, they do want you to shut up about not wanting your children to not exist, that’s a valid expectation from someone you barely know.
“I think I should be able to be real around other moms who get it”
But they don’t get it, do they? Because again, they’re not a support group, wishing you never had your children isn’t something all parents can relate to, the fact that you assumed that is on you.
There are plenty of women who are in a similar situation to you, can relate to your feelings and can perhaps even help you, but these women are not it. They are just people who are volunteering at their kids’ school, they didn’t sign up for this.
You’re clearly struggling and that’s okay, but that woman who told you to talk to a therapist was 100% right, only a professional can help you here.
Reading your post, I can see that you regret having children and you clearly said as much. But while I genuinely believe you have the right to feel the way you do, you need to read the room better. Unless these ladies were close friends, dropping a bomb like that in conversation was a poor move. The biggest issue I see coming out of this, is that these women will gossip about you (while you may not or shouldn’t care is irrelevant). This will get back to your kids eventually. They don’t deserve that.
That being said, I don’t know you but you kind of remind me somewhat of Julianne Moore’s character in The Hours film/book.
I don’t think you’re a complete and total AH, but you are still somewhat of an AH. Sorry for your situation.
YTA they are not your friends they are essentially coworkers. If you hate being a mother then don’t spend your free time volunteering for parent centered jobs and responsibilities. Plenty of moms out there want to be involved with their kids schools, that’s why coops exist. Someone who wanted to be there could have been in your place. You will be a happier person and better mother if you use your free time for yourself rather than volunteering to do something you essentially dislike.
You made the first comment and it didn’t go to well so why did you keep going? You were being honest but there is a time and place for everything.
YTA, a school is not the time or place and your attitude does suck.
YTA saying that you are “just” a mom is offensive to the women around you who are probably “just” moms too. You’re 100% right that women with kids can’t have it all and having children takes many sacrifices. They are aware of this too, and they comfort themselves with the belief that it will all be worth it, that it’s important, that it’s their entire identify now, etc. You made them extremely uncomfortable by attacking those very helpful and very important coping strategies.
I understand you regret your life decisions, and that’s a terrible place to be in, but what you did was not appropriate for the setting or the people you were talking to.
Your resentment will seep into your relationship with your kids. Not sure how old they are now, but they will be able to tell you regret them. That will fuck them up for life. They didn’t choose to be born. Your feelings are real and valid, ultimately you need to own your choices and not fuck up your kids.
Sheesh yeah your feelings are valid but definitely YTA. You are clearly dealing with some pretty major depression and you’re taking it out on everyone else. You can’t even take responsibility for your own life decisions, blaming everyone else for putting this “pressure” on you when it’s always you that ultimately makes these decisions. Look I get it, depression fucking sucks and makes you hate the world but you have to be empathetic to those around you that aren’t feeling those poisonous feelings and not go around trying to bring people down when they’re having a good time.
You asked if YTA for admitting to a group of women that you hate being a mom? No, those feelings are valid, but you clearly overshared. What makes you the AH is your response to them being uncomfortable.
I’m assuming that most parents who are working at their child’s school, like being a parent. You are the exception in that environment. Some of those people probably get their own sense of worth from being an active parent- and you are flat out saying I hate everything about this and I’ve wasted my life… in turn they may feel like your saying “you’ve wasted yours too”
Are you sure there isn’t some part of you that wanted this to happen so you have an excuse not to go to these events? I feel like you shouldn’t do things because you are supposed to. I’m guessing you felt that pressure to volunteer, the same pressure that you had to become a mom in the first place. You really need to look at that part of yourself… I’m guessing your therapist would have told you not to do these events in the first place.
However you need to stick to your commitments. If you’ve signed up to help, you should be there and that’s what makes YTA if you don’t or if use this situation as an excuse to get out of volunteering.
YTA. If you feel this way, then that sucks and I have sympathy for it. But those other women shouldn’t have to deal with you shit.
A back to school thingy? Why are you even there for that in the first place? Why would you feel that is a good time to announce you didn’t want to have kids? What’s anyone supposed to do with that?
YTA. The person who pulled you aside is right. This is a conversation for your therapist, not to dump on a group of moms doing (volunteer?) work.
Yta for having children at all