I (17f) moved states with my mom, her husband and his kids when I was 13. My mom’s husband got a job offer in his home town and he wanted to be near his family and mom okayed it. This took us away from my family and the people I lived with for 11 years. Because before my mom moved in with her husband we lived with her parents as in my grandparents. I never met my dad so for me my core family was my mom and my grandparents. I had two aunts and an uncle and their spouses and kids all living within 15 minutes from our old house too.
The move was great for my mom’s stepkids. They got to be close by their families (their dad’s side and their mom’s). Their mom died so it was emphasized that it would be extra special and important for them. They always wanted to go back home. Because this was always home to them. But to me? My home is where we moved from. When we were first told about the move I said straight up that I didn’t want to leave my family behind and my mom told me I wasn’t because we were all moving together. I didn’t see the stepfamily as my family though. To me my family are still mom and everyone back home but especially my grandparents. Her husband has tried to fill the role of my dad but my grandpa and my uncle already filled in the fatherly figure role for me. And I’ll admit the fact he took me away from my family to be near his also makes me less open to being close to him.
I had no choice in the move so I went with them but I always saw this as temporary for me and I would move back home as soon as I could.
My mom has tried to make this my home. She put me in extra curricular activities, she let me do stuff I was never allowed to do back home and she tried to use things to make me love it here. But I hated every second of being here and now that I’m 7 months away from being able to move home again, it’s all I can really think about.
I’ve spoken to my grandparents about moving back in with them when I can and they’re on board and they’re excited to have me back. We were talking about some of the logistics of it when mom came home and heard some of my side of that discussion. She got upset and asked me why I’m already planning on leaving and I told her that I always wanted to. She told me she wanted to strangle me (not in the literal sense of killing me but you know) because we had so much going for us where we are now and I can’t see it. She told me I could’ve used the move to get everything I wanted and it would have worked. Then she said I’m not even trying to make this place home and I agreed with her. I told her I never wanted the move and for me home isn’t about the stuff but the people and I left most of my family behind when we moved. And I just want to go home now and I’ve always just wanted to go home.
She acted like I slapped her. She told me she knew I considered her my family but to say I left most when I had her husband and his kids here meant I didn’t even count them and she said it’s been 6 years since we all started living together so that was a hard thing to hear. She told me she couldn’t understand me and that most teenagers wouldn’t give a crap about the people they left and they’d kill for the stuff they gave me since we moved. She also said her husband would be really gut punched to realize while he’s been bonding with me and seeing me as his daughter I only ever saw him as the guy who made me move. She said I was totally selfish and didn’t even love her enough to accept this because she loves me and she loves him and his kids.
AITA?
Comments
Nah, you’re not the bad guy for having feelings. Your mom basically hit you with the “this is your family now” like you’re in a reboot of your own life. It’s not your fault you never clicked with the new setup home isn’t just where your stuff is, it’s where your people are. You’re just trying to get back to where you feel like you belong, and that’s valid.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to make your stepdad happy. Go back to your grandparents and be happy.
NTA. At all.
And your mother is wrong. Very regularly here and elsewhere we read of young people who feel exactly the same way.
Of course she will be upset. But you need to go and live where you will be happy.
As soon as school is over fir the year. Go home
All the best
You choose relationships over stuff and you’re selfish? No that means you can’t be bought. It was your mom substituting one for the other and it didn’t work. She’s the selfish one, insisting you feel the way she wants you to feel so SHE can be happy. Well, I’d tell her ( and stepdad) sorry, it just didn’t work out and I’m going home.
NTA.
NTA, you are entitled to your feelings.
I wouldn’t say you’re the asshole for anything except holding onto a grudge for this long and refusing to ever even give it a fair chance there.
So his kids where happy when they moved back home, why doesn’t your mother realize you want to do the same thing. She just been selfish. Move back with your grandparents and start to live your life. You will be 18 years old and can do as your want. Updateme op on your move.
NTA She did not even ask for your opinion. Of course you did not like to be separated from your friends and familly. Your mom is the selfish one !! And now she is starting to understand that you are not ok and that you are going to expose the fact that she only care about her husband and stepchildren.
She is gaslighting you because she does not want to admitt that she did not think about what you feel.
I would be very clear with her telling her that she is an hypocrite. Just for her husband you had to let all your life for him to feel better near his familly but you being a child it’s not important to have your family near ??
Your mom only thought about your step dad and his children.
And don’t forget to tell her that she has no right telling you how to feel. Nobody has. Who are they to tell you how you have to feel ? You feel what you feel and this is it.
NTA… the only selfish one is your mom and you can tell her people on the Internet agree she put her husband and his kids before you and you’re happiness and that makes her a shitty mom and I would tell her that. If she looks like she’s been slapped, good she deserves it.
Nah, it’s perfectly normal for kids to move home when their parent does. And fine you want to leave your mother and go back to your grandparents, but is she an asshole for being upset that you’d rather live with you grandparents than with her? Of course not its perfectly normal.
NTA
Your mom is a huge asshole. She’s not interested in your happiness, you’re simply an extension of her selfish desires and vision of how she sees her life. I’m not saying she doesn’t love you, but she doesn’t respect you nor does she see you as a fully autonomous human being. What a shame.
NTA obviously and UpdateMe when you move. I’d make securing your documents such as birth certificate top priority; she’ll probably attempt to physically prevent you from moving.
NTA. Your mom is selfish as fuck and clearly doesn’t know you or care to know you. I wish you safe travels going home!
Nta your mum put her, her husband’s and her step children’s happiness before her own child’s. Throwing money etc at a situation doesn’t make it more likeable. She knew you weren’t happy and thought you were shallow enough that insignificant things would change your mind.
NTA she is the one who was selfish. She picked her husband, his job and being nearer to their family than allowing you to be with yours.
That’s your mum’s life and her new family, it doesn’t mean it’s yours.
You have suffered in silence long enough, and I’m sorry that your mum doesn’t want to support you living where makes you happiest and that she also turned it into something all about her.
Makes me think she always makes everything about her. I bet she has been focussing on trying to get his kids to love her and has forgotten about supporting your needs or just ignored them cause they don’t fit with her idea of what she wanted everyone to think her family was, not an honest look at what it really is.
If she did look at it honestly, this should not have come as a surprise to her.
You’ll be an adult soon and can make your decisions. NTA, go live your life with those you love.
NTA. You can love your mom and even your step family and still want to go home. You never asked for your life to be ripped apart. She made the decision when you were a child but now it’s your turn to make the decision. It’s not about her or him, it’s about you. If she can’t respect that then she’s the self centered one.
You are getting the backlash of your mothers guilt there lovely. As you have always felt this way I can’t imagine that she didn’t know and she just ignored it and glossed over it hoping you would fall in with the change at some point. Unfortunately it didn’t happen and you want to go home to people you love, so don’t let her make you feel bad for her choices. NTA
NTA. They chose what was best for them and when young are free to, you will choose what is best for you. Your Mom’s dream may have been to run off to a new life, with a new family and have lots of nice things, but you just want to be with the people you love and that love is always going to bring you heartache when you are away from them.
Maybe in the future you will find something you desire more than being in the place they are, but that can’t be forced.
NTA. All the reasons that your step-dad and step-siblings wanted to move back to their home town is the exact same reason why you want to move back to your home town. Your mom is being selfish. It is time to live your life the way you choose.
Nah. Your stepdad won’t be hurt. That is mom’s wishful thinking.
NTA – the only person who is a TA is your mother – and no your stepfather i not one.
you did nothing wrong – go home and rebuild your life there
Nope, NTA. I’ve moved a lot in my life. As an ADULT, when I’m moving voluntarily to a place I WANT to go, it takes me at least 5 years to consider it home over the place I left. If I’d been dragged away involuntarily? I doubt I’d ever consider the new place home.
That doesn’t mean I hate it in the new place. And it doesn’t mean I hate my husband and our dogs. It means the old place has a place in my heart the new one hasn’t filled yet.
I’ll warn you, though… what you go back to won’t be the same. Have you heard, “You can’t go home again”? It’s 100% true. The people will have changed. The place will have changed. YOU have changed. The home you remember lives in your heart.
NTA… you should not be somewhere you don’t feel comfortable. If home to you is with your grandparents then that’s where you should be. Your mom is selfish for not taking in your feelings on this move
NTA – what burns me was the comment about OP not loving her mother enough to do what the mother wants. That’s just like saying “if you loved me you’d do…” OP’s mom had the right to marry someone and move if they felt that was best but it seems to me that the mom just ignored OP’s feelings and is now blindsided by the fact that OP wants to go home. Most teenagers wouldn’t care about the people but would kill for the materialistic things? Well hell, that just demonstrates OP’s emotional maturity. And finally, it seems like there was an emphasis on the move being for the stepkids because they lost their mom and needed their family, but OP’s bio dad wasn’t in the picture and she needed her family as well. It feels like the stepkids needs were placed above hers but now mom is shocked?
You’re totally selfish because you actually give a shit about people and she can’t buy you with stuff. Your mom is a moron.
It’s her new family, not yours. Hang in there! Ignore the bitching and you will be home soon. Don’t let them guilt trip you into feeling bad for being honest.
NTA
Your mom is wrong and selfish. She put her husband and his kids ahead of you and expected it all to work out just fine. She’s delusional and that isn’t your fault.
NTA, you have the right to live anywhere once your 18.
NTA. Did your mom make efforts for you to be able to see your family often? As a parent, I get that it might be a hard spot for your mom because either you or your step-siblings wouldn’t get to be around their family… though also as a parent, I would not have been okay with it being MY kids sacrificing their relationships (ie my step kids would’ve been the ones to move because I would advocate for my own kids’ needs)
You were being honest with your mom. The same mom that didn’t listen when you said you didn’t want to move and didn’t recognize that you were unhappy. While I do feel a little bad for her since you said she tried to make it like home for you, she didn’t even know you well enough to know what you wanted.
She’s entitled to feel sad or whatever she’s feeling… but she’s NOT entitled to trying to make you feel bad for your feelings. Your feelings are valid. I’m glad you get to move back with the rest of your family soon.
NTA You have your priorities straight, as in you value relationships and family while your mother only sees the material gains. I think you have some really sound values and you should follow them. Material stuff will only be fun in the short run and I hope your mom can see that she can’t buy your happiness. You have figured out something at 17 that take other people a lifetime – it’s the people in your life that matters. If you have that, nothing else really matters but if you don’t have that, you will never feel whole.
Follow your heart and head. You got this.
NTA
She prioritized his kids well-being over yours. She prioritized her husband over you. She does not get to force you into seeing it any other way. Tell her exactly that and that’s why you’re not changing your mind. You’re hurt by the move and you’re miserable. You’re not going to bother caring about how this hurts other people because not a single one of those people gives a flying fuck about how much this hurt you.
NTA
NTA – you moved for step sibs and step father to be closer to “family”, you are doing the same.
NTA
Most teenagers ABSOLUTELY give a crap about being ripped away from their family, support network, and everything they’ve ever known unwillingly. Even more so when it is done for everyone else BUT them.
Your mom is selfish and full of shit, she needs to take responsibility for her decisions. She picked her husband and his children over you, and if she had been mature enough to acknowledge that, she would have allowed you to stay where you were even if she and they moved.
You’re selfish? For wanting to be with the family you’ve always known. For being upset that the new family gained everything in being closer to their extended family while you lost yours? Nope. Not your problem. Your mom’s version of reality does not actually change reality for you. You told her in the beginning you didn’t want to move and now six years later she just realized you were serious? Come on. NTA
NTA it’s unfortunate that kids aren’t listened to in these instances. When I was first divorced, my instinct was to leave where I was because of the memories. I chose to sit each of my children down together and explain how I was feeling. I asked them to think about it & we would discuss it later. One by one for a week I sat with them. They each wanted me to be happy but had a hard time coping with losing everything they knew as home. I chose to stay. When you’re a parent, your children come first. I’m sorry that your step siblings feelings were thought about more than yours.
You mom will be alright, just tell her that her reality isn’t yours. You didn’t ask for this she did it’s ok to want different things in life as long as we all support each other. So it’s time for her to support you now.
NTA. All of this was her decision. You had no say in the move, but you did make your feelings known at the time. Did she really think that she could buy away the pain? It’s not your fault that her delusional bubble got busted. She sacrificed your happiness for her imaginary life without taking your wants into consideration. Fck her feelings. She got her selfish way with the move. There’s no point in trying to guilt and force you when you’re old enough to decide for yourself.
NTA. Just keep on keeping on until you hit 18 then move back home as planned.
NTA.
But it’s kind of funny, that you are selfish for moving back but they were not selfish when THEY moved you away from your family.
Nta so your mum is mad ur not a teenager who is obsessed with stuff which means she has been bribing you since you left to be happy. But your step family get to be happy with their family? I get either way it upsets someone’s kids but ur mum is in the wrong. Did she even allow visits back home or was it like nope u live here now? I feel like she knew this was how you felt but hoped the stuff and the broken rules would fix it but is pissed it didn’t and now people are going to question her happy family now ur grown up n leaving. Not ur fault.
NTA-your mom was trying to appease your stepdad and trying to make everything work by moving. She just didn’t realize the impact on you. She was trying to get his kids to like her and “fit in”. She just thought you would do the same. It was not mean or malicious by any means. She thought you were young and would adapt. (I know this as I have been a child of many different stepparents and step siblings). She is hurt you kept the grudge about going home and never let yourself take this new place as “home”. You are NOT wrong. Your feelings are your feelings and that is fair. I just wanted to give you some perspective from your mom’s side. I had a long talk with my mom once I got older and she explained it to me from the parental side and how she was feeling. They always think kids will just adapt and get along. Not true!!! They are not YOUR siblings, he is not YOUR dad, and his family is not YOUR family.
I would move back with your grandparents and try to talk to your mom and explain that it just didn’t work for you. Let her know you understand why she felt it was important to move for HER but it just never felt right for YOU!! You tried and it didn’t work. She will be hurt and upset but it will pass. Keep talking with her so she knows you still love her but would feel move comfortable back with your grandparents.
Blended families are hard!!! Good luck!!!!
NTA. I can understand your mom feeling a little hurt but her feelings are hers, can she blame you for resenting having to leave your whole family behind? You are not selfish for feeling sad for the life you left behind and for missing the rest of your family. As an adult I can appreciate that adult things like a job offer sometimes justify a move but I think nobody really listened to each other and processed how this would feel to everyone else. I will say this, you have a whole life ahead of you so don’t look backwards and rush towards something just for nostalgia. Consider your future also. Will you be going to post secondary school? Where that happens needs to be your more immediate concern. Whatever you end up doing remember it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing scenario you can visit either your mom or your other family instead of having to pick one over the other.
NTA. Your mom is doing the classic, pick your husband over your kids. That’s what she did. She chose to make her husband happy by moving back to his hometown. Go back to your hometown with a clear conscience . At this point, she is choosing to not be your family. Family supports someone’s happiness. Her husband made the assumption that you would see him as a father. That’s not how that works.
NTA, and honestly, your mom must be pretty shallow if she thinks that giving you stuff makes up for taking you away from the only family you ever knew. I’m glad your grandparents are happy to welcome you home.
NTA. I know exactly how you feel my parents move me at around the same age. I hated it. I had no one back home to stay with if I moved back, but I got my licence as soon as I could so I could go visit my friends, which helped a lot.
Your stepdads feelings are not your responsibility. He also didn’t take yours into account when he uprooted your life.
Do what you need to do to be happy.
Tell your mum things don’t replace people.
Nta
Be happy & thankful you have good grandparents who are willing & happy to have you, you’re luckier than some. You’re definitely not the AH but your mum is
You actually sound like the most mature person in the family. Very level headed for your age.
I understand the move was hard and not what you wanted but realistically I can’t see your mum just leaving you with your grandparents and going away with your step parents and living you behind. If your mum left you behind I’m pretty sure you would be hurt and feel abandoned. Because reditt is never realistic and I’m sure your mum will be labelled the devil. But it seems like your mum was under the impression for the past 6 years that yiu were fine and happy, there isn’t anything you have said that implies your stepdad has been horrible to you or that you have been ostracised and left out. You haven’t made any type of effort whatsoever which puts your mum in an awkward position what is she supposed to do? Would you have been happier if she never married or if she leaves the guy ? The fact that people are acting as if families don’t move with kids because of jobs etc… is beyond ridiculous simply because its a step dad then suddenly a common situation that happens with families all around the world is suddenly cruel and the mom is selfish etc….
I don’t really care if i get downvoted are you saying your mum is horrible and she has changed since she met her husband 6 years ago and your life has been miserable or are you saying you have never given these people a chance and thus made things more difficult for yourself?
It’s easy to cast judgement and say all types of things but we need a better description of your home life with your mum and stepdad before the move. Im a step child so i know all about the step families etc…
Updateme
So mom gave you all the things you couldn’t have at your real home and so you should be happy with that. Um no. You should have had those things then and they should have allowed to to stay and finish high school with your fiends.
NTA at all… Your mom uprooted you from your entire support system and expects you to just… what, forget about them? That’s insane. You were 13 of course you’d cling to the family you knew and loved. And now she’s guilt-tripping you for having feelings?
She chose her new husband and his kids over your happiness, and now she’s shocked you didn’t magically bond with them? Nah, that’s not how love works. You’re allowed to miss your grandparents and want to go back.
Selfish? Please. She’s the one who didn’t consider your feelings in the first place. Go home to your real family you deserve to be where you’re loved unconditionally.
NTA.
You are not responsible for managing your mother’s feelings, nor those of your step-father.
Has your mother ever actually made you feel heard, OP? Or has it always felt like some variation of “I hear you but…” and then rattles off a list of things she thinks you want or need?
While you are still a child, you aren’t going to be for one much longer. Your relationship with your mother is going to change – she needs to stop seeing you as something she has complete control over and start seeing you as your own person, with your own desires and dreams. And that shortly, you’ll have full control over whether or not she has any say in your life.
If she doesn’t like it, she can build a bridge over her feelings and get over them.
NTA. Your mom is wrong about most teenagers not giving a crap about the people they left. I promise you that most teenagers would feel the same way as you. I don’t know where she even got it. It’s so very wrong it’s ridiculous.
On the other hand, please don’t just dismiss everyone and everything that you have with your step family and your mom. Sure, it’s not home. But that doesn’t mean that it’s bad. You can still enjoy the perks and not feel bad about it. Because let me tell you, when it comes to families there’s always room in your life for more people who care about you. Even if you don’t live with them you can still have them in your life. I’m just saying – when you move back home, don’t burn this bridge.
NTA My MIL married # 4 and told her kids she didn’t CARE if they didn’t like it, SHE was going to be happy. He had a birthday a couple of weeks ago, attendance was MANDATORY (his words). When asked if anyone wanted to say anything or share a story, NO ONE, including my husband, did.
Your mother chose her happiness, NOT yours.
NTA. And your mom is wrong about most teenagers not giving a crap about the people. My dad got an amazing job 9 hours away when I was a teenager. He promised me a brand new car when I turned 16, a huge home with a big space for myself, etc. My brother too. We both didn’t want it and took the beater car, stayed where we were (dad turned down the job) and were happy. We didn’t want to give up our friends and lived at such a crucial age. The difference was that my dad took our opinions into consideration (including my mom’s who also didn’t want to move) and we stayed.
It took your mom until now to realize how you feel about all of it? The move, her husband, the kids?
Was she that uninvolved with you or did you never talk about it? INFO
You have a shitty mom. She’s upset that you won’t just bend over and accept her decision to prioritize her step kids family connections over your own. She has the audacity to call you selfish when she is the one who made these decisions without your consent, and is emotionally immature enough to say you don’t love her enough because you don’t want to sacrifice your own happiness and relationships to satisfy her picture perfect family idea. Oh and she’s mad she couldn’t buy your love because you’re a teenager.
Definitely move out.
What’s ur relationship with step dad’s kids
NTA – as they say, it’s not what we have in life, it’s WHO we have that really matters. And it seems like your mom was only thinking of herself in the decision to move, & didn’t take you into consideration at all. You do what you feel is the right decision for you.
NTA and I wish you all the best with your move back home.
NTA go back to your grandparents, they thought of your stepdad and his kids before they thought of you, they wanted to be close to their family so they moved, why is it any different for you!
NTA. Parents! Just because you shack up with someone doesn’t mean your kids will instantly ( or ever) love them and forcing it just shows you never gave a S*** about your kid.
Also to OP’s mom specifically, YOU have so much going for YOU with the move, there is no we in that conversation, just because YOU and your bed buddy are better off doesn’t mean the kid you are ignoring in this situation is. Stop being a selfish A and think about your kid, OP is not running away or leaving now or specifically making life difficult, they are just planning for their own wishes when they are an ADULT.
OP you do whats best for you, not what people who don’t seem to care about your thoughts and feelings want.
NTA. Your feelings about home and family are valid, and your mom dismissing your attachment to your grandparents and extended family while expecting you to embrace her new life shows she’s prioritizing her happiness over yours; wanting to return to the people who raised you isn’t selfish, it’s honest.
P.S. Her husband’s feelings are his to manage—not yours. You don’t owe him a father-daughter bond he forced into your life.
NTA your mom made a decision without any consideration for your feelings. Now she must deal with the consequences.
NTA
“She said I was totally selfish and didn’t even love her enough to accept this”
That’s such a stupid thing to say. With the same logic you could say that she’s selfish and didn’t even love you enough to stay home with your family where you feel safe and happy.
Parents can always take unilateral decision for their kids, that’s their prerogative, but they can’t dictate how you feel about it. You did well, you stayed civil, went to school, played your role. When you’re 18, it’s out of her hands.
If she still pester you about your moving away at 18, just tell her she’s with her family so what’s the problem?
NTA. I’ll only make effort to adapt when it’s my choice to move. When your mom made this decision, she didn’t have your best interest in mind so when she whine now?
NTA, now let me add something else as a mom:
I would be extraordinarily proud of you for valuing people over things. You are not my child, but know that you have your priorities straight and THIS mom couldn’t be prouder of that. The people you love are important (chosen family, or blood family. It may change over the years).
Don’t forget, in the future, to keep a good balance. It can be hard to do, especially when it’s for those we love.
Nta. Not your job to massage your stepfather ane moms egos. Go where you will be happy. You gave it a shot for her. You are old enough to know what you want.
NTA. Your mom fell in love with stepdad and his family. You didn’t. She’s happy to follow her man. You were uprooted from your base. And now she doesn’t understand why you aren’t as happy as she is. Your feelings are natural.
Even worse, your mom wants you to prioritize material things and extra privileges over connections with people and just be happy. Her priorities are wrecked, yours are natural.
Hold on for the 7 months. It’s always easier when there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your mom is only seeing her side of the story that her husband and his children are very happy where they’re at. She’s not recognize the pain in you that have occurred since she took you away from what you knew as your family. When your time is up, School is out go back to where you wanna be and Mom just gonna have to accept it. Good luck to you.
For the record, my kids are your age. They would be devastated to leave their people. Stuff is far less important to them. So, your mom is completely wrong there.
And if she thinks that is how you are supposed to be, ask her if she really wants you to be that materialistic.
Your mom hasn’t been tuned in to you or what you need. She’s projecting what she needs or what she thinks you should need onto you. So for her to tell you that you’re selfish or that you don’t love her enough is really her being forced to finally look in the mirror and seeing exactly that in herself, being confronted with the truth like ” a slap in the face”. So she attacks you and tries to manipulate you.
What kind of parent doesn’t understand that children are their own people and you can’t impose your feelings on them. And what parent doesn’t understand that children generally don’t want a “replacement family” it’s the who adults do. Because they’re lonely, or for financial reasons, or it’s too hard to be single parent, or guilt. But it serves them, not the child who gets tossed around, forced to have people they don’t really know and didn’t choose living with them and being told this is your new family.
I’ve been there. But I had my brothers and looking back, I feel awful for that poor kid who had to come live with us. Don’t let your mom guilt you. Do what makes you happy. NTA
It sounds like your mom never really bothered to make sure you were all blended and just expected an instant family to occur. That doesn’t work, and this is all on her. NTA.
NTA. Home is where the heart is. Yours is simply not there. And your feelings are totally valid. I grew up in a lot of different places and never really felt like I had a home. I never felt like I had a family either other than my 2 sisters since mom always chose whatever partner she was with over her own children. It made my bond with my sisters even stronger because we were the ones that stuck together. It sucks. My advice is go be where you’re happy. No one says you have to go NC with your mom. But nobody said you had to like it where you are either
“Why was “our family” not enough for your stepkids then? You all said it was important THEY had their family close and THEY get what they want. You disregarded that i was forced to leave MY family behind. Instead of telling them they should be glad to have this little family that they already have. I will return to the people you forced me to leave behind the people that created what was my home. you can play happy family with your step children here. Their emotional well being is all that mattered to you anyway.”
NTA Your mom moved you to another state with her husband and step-kids to out live her dream life without consideration of how you felt. I completely understand why but I don’t think she wanted to see how negatively this would affect your life, she thought she could replace your extended family with the other things she could give you. Now she is trying to guilt you when you have nothing to feel guilty about (can’t say the same for her)
My parents did that to me and my siblings. My dad and mom wanted to be near her dad (my grandpa) who had moved out of state but we left behind 6 aunts and uncles and 22 cousins. We were a close knit family with big dinners, celebrations, huge picnics, birthday parties, graduations etc. During my teen years there were no more huge holiday family get-togethers, we missed weddings and anniversaries. All of my friends graduated and celebrated together. I had no close friends to experience life milestones with. It was a lonely very isolating time. My older sisters and I all moved back home as soon as we were old enough. My parents and younger brothers came back a year after I did.
Nobody is the asshole here. Sometimes things are just difficult. They just are the way they are. Mom really hoped and believed you would be able to adapt and be happy, with your new nuclear family. There’s no ill intent here by her. It sounds like your mom and stepdad really did try their best to be a good and loving family to you. I understand her feeling sad, surprised and hurt.
You did nothing wrong. You loved, and lost your father, which was very sad and traumatizing. You were able to love and super bond with your uncles and grandparents. They became your loving and much loved family, for which there was no replacement.
You’re not wrong to want to return to them, but do let Mom know that you love her, and do understand she hoped and succeeded In providing a safe, happy and loving home for you, with your stepfather and step siblings as well. Let her know that you do really love her, but you’re grown and you’re heading back to where most of your kin are, and where you want to be.
NTA. You are not being selfish. You have a right to your feelings, to mourning what’s been taken from you. I’m sorry your Mom isn’t understanding how YOU feel, I do believe her intentions for the family were good, but this still comes at a cost, and you’re the one paying it.
I am long grown by now, but when I was 16 my parents moved us from a city we all loved, where we all lived full lives. We moved to a state we’d lived in before and hated. But my Dad needed a job so we went.
I hated my new school. The kids were not my kind of people. I got involved in the same extra curriculars, but because the culture of the town/school were so different, it was much less enjoyable.
I resented my parents for a very, very long time. It was painful to be torn from all my connections, from friends and teachers I loved.
The problem with holding onto that resentment was that I primarily hurt myself. I spent years looking backwards, imagining the what ifs, instead of making the best of it and moving forward.
I hope you find the courage to move forward, whatever that means for you.
NTA
When your mother is out look for your important documents. Birth certificate and social and put them up so you can take them with you. You’re almost an adult it’s ok to want different things from what your mom wants. You don’t want to live there and you already have a place to live so don’t worry about it she will get over it.
NTA.
The same way his kids were eager to go back to their hometown is the same way you are eager to get back to yours. She didn’t berate them for wanting to move, so why do you get berating for wanting to do the exact same thing? They definitely weren’t excited because of you and your mom and what you all brought to the table.
You can appreciate the things she/they provided and allowed and still want to go home. But it sounds like she thought she “bought” your loyalty to him and his family by giving you things and opportunities she previously said no to. That’s not okay.
You were genuine when you expressed your feelings and there is never anything wrong with that. Good for standing up for yourself.
NTA, OP. Your mother never acknowledged your point of view and feelings, which I think is among the basic duties of a parent. Another mistake is not put you (and your step-siblings) on therapy, individual and family. She should have understood that new bonds are very difficult to make for a child gripping with the loss of the family and people she knew. I understand that she thought all the things she and her husband offered would compensate but she should have known better, you always were honest with her. I won’t go as far as saying that she was an AH, because being a parent is a hard job. I do think though that she failed you because she should not be have been surprised by you moving back.
Your step-father sounds a good man, try to be kind with him. Tell him that after years apart, you really want to see your bio family and if you still like your former state. Which is the truth, OP.
Enjoy your new beginnings, OP! Big hugs!
It’s not your responsibility to make your mom feel better about her life choices. There’s no way she didn’t see you unhappy this whole time, she just cared more about the image she had in her head. You have every right to want to back to the family that you miss. NTA
NTA
>The move was great for my mom’s stepkids. They got to be close by their families (their dad’s side and their mom’s). Their mom died so it was emphasized that it would be extra special and important for them.
Why does that reason only work one way, in your mom’s reasoning?
You were taken away from all of your extended family. Surely, she and her husband understand the importance of extended family, as they moved because of it, for his kids??
Just a head’s up, so you don’t get disappointed. If your cousins are your age, there’s a big chance they’re leaving for college soon.
I think you shouldn’t wait to reconnect with them, and talk about where they’re going to. See if it’s worthwhile, to look into the same colleges.
‘Home’ isn’t just the place, it’s mostly the ppl.
Your mother is projecting. Start quietly, quickly, and secretly getting ready for the move — gather up important documents and possessions now, so you can flee on a moment’s notice.
Because as sure as you’re reading this they’ll try to undercut your plans. Good luck, and keep your grandparents in the loop.
ETA NTA
NTA. Your mother prioritised herself, her husband and step kids. The step kids need their extended family around and he gets to move closer to his family meantime who gives a shit that they’re taking you away.
NTA! So she uprooted you from your life to appease her new husband and his kids. They were near THEIR families but you weren’t. Is she really this delusional?
You did make it work for all these years. But now you want to go back to YOUR family.
So mom if fully aware of what op wants, tries to bribe her, and ends up saying: you don’t do what I want you must not love me, but I don’t do what you want and there is nothing wrong about it.
NTA
NTA. I can already see the Reddit post from your mum in 20 years. “My daughter keeps me at arms length, help us reconnect”. And she will list everything she’s done for you while missing all the reasons you left. As she can’t see she’s done anything wrong.
>She told me she couldn’t understand me and that most teenagers wouldn’t give a crap about the people they left and they’d kill for the stuff they gave me since we moved.
That’s such an odd assumption. She’s telling you that you, because you’re a teenager, should care more about stuff in a place that’s not your home than people in a place that is?? She’s raised a teenager for years now but she clearly doesn’t understand them at all.
If I had a nickel for every post where a parent tries to force a kid to accept a “replacement” (parent, family, home, you name it) and going all shocked Pikachu face when the kid inevitably resents them for it, I’d have a pretty decent pile of nickels. That’s simply not how this works. It never is. The fact that you’re missing home, and the family that live there, is not selfish or even all that surprising. This is entirely on her to not see this coming.
I’m glad you have an opportunity to jump ship.
nta
> She told me she couldn’t understand me and that most teenagers wouldn’t give a crap about the people they left and they’d kill for the stuff they gave me since we moved.
Assuming this is real… Really? That’s the values she is trying to instill in you? Stuff is more important than people / relationships?
The mom is a piece of…something
NTA why should you make her a priority when it’s been clear you’ve never been HER priority. Why should you feel bad about not considering her husband and his kids your family when they all disrespected your right to YOUR family. They want what they want, how they want it… and if that comes at a massive cost to you, that’s a price they’ve been willing to take. As for the “stuff” that’s them trying to salve their conscience and buy your acceptance. And if you accept stuff as a reasonable alternative to respect now, they will hold it over your head forever. Your mom chose them, because she felt like she could force you to accept it and as a minor, she could. She figured by the time you were old enough to not be under her control you would have consigned all free will over to her. Good for you for doing what’s best for you.
Do you think one day OP woke up and suddenly her mom’s married and then they moved? I’m sure there was a period where OP knew mom dating step dad, met everyone, discussed moving. OP refusal to accept someone who loves her mom and tried to love her as a daughter doesn’t make you TA but it also doesn’t make mom TA either. But OPs situation could of been disastrous if step dad was an unkind, abusive person. OP seems to have missed a great opportunity to welcome them tbh and when you’re older, you will regret it.
NTA. I don’t know how it seems from your Mom’s perspective, but she’s being dismissive of your feelings. Frankly if after four years she is shocked by your making plans to move quickly she doesn’t seem like she was either not paying attention or she thought if she ignored your feelings long enough you would bury them. Now that you can act on them it’s a problem. If this is out of character maybe sit her down and try one last time to explain how forcing you to abandon your life wasn’t less impactful because you were young. The idea that 13 year olds don’t miss their friends when they move is a straight lie someone might tell themselves to avoid guilt, but if there’s a chance your Mom is genuine but wrong it might be worth clearing the air before you leave. Make sure she’s aware you aren’t responsible for anyone’s feelings but your own though. You didn’t get a choice about about who your Mom married or where you were moved to, and trying to make you feel guilt for taking control of your life is manipulative.
What colour is the sky in the world your mother lives in?!
She is delusional if she truly thinks ripping you away from everyone you know and love would make you happy
It is not your job to make her husband happy either. She’s mad you’ve destroyed her fantasy where everyone is one big happy family. She clearly watched the Brady Bunch too many times growing up 🙄
And point out the hypocrisy. “You knew husband’s kids were unhappy where we lived and thrilled to be moving back home. Why would think I would be happy to be torn away from my family? You’re clearly delusional if you think I’ve been happy here. And honestly, I’m disappointed in you for not noticing how miserable I’ve been. Getting laid and pretending to be one big happy family, is clearly more important to you than anything else”
No assholes here
I will say that maybe you should be a little bit more open-minded about the fact that yes you had to move but you weren’t the only person living in that household and by your own admission they’ve been trying to steadily make you happy or make it better.
You’re speaking as if the only person of import is yourself
NTA. Your mom is going to get her husband and his kids in on guilt tripping you into staying. If you can I would discuss with your grandparents about moving sooner than 7 months. They may want to speak to a lawyer first, but you’re almost 18, and the courts nor cops are going to care about a 17 almost 18 year old moving in with her grandparents. Sure your mom can kick a fuss up about it, but even if she does go to court about it, by the time she sees a judge, it will likely be too late to do anything about it. Plus, your age would give the court heavy consideration to what you want if it was brought before a judge before you turned 18.
NTA – Tell her, she is the selfish one. She got to choose who is her family, where she is telling you who it is. Its not fair. You had no say, no input, she uprooted your life for her new family. So no, you are not the selfish one in this. You are the victim.
NTA omg there is a lot to impact here. I am sorry that your mother is not emotionally mature enough that she dumping all of this onto you.
That she did not encourage and create a safe place for you to express your emotions. I mean she could have taken you back to see your family checked in with you etc. she should not try to break the bond you have but enlarge it. You have the capacity for both.
Also you are going to be 18, she should have been prepared for the fact that you going to move away for college etc. I think it is more than you are going back to your family and less about you moving out.
Please have a nice sit down with your stepfather use positive words as the place you left has changed and so have you from your experiences. Please be mindful of that and good luck. 🍀
Your mother is selfish. With the move, she didn’t think about you—she only thought about her husband and stepchildren. She took you away from your family and tried to buy you. When the time comes, go back to your grandparents; they are the ones who truly put you first.
NTA. Why do people automatically assume that just because two people marry the kids are going to be happy in a step family? Your mother never listens to you about your feelings on any of this she only saw the benefits for everybody else and just tried to force you to be happy. She took none of your feelings into consideration. I cannot imagine living somewhere for that long while all you want to do is go elsewhere. That must have been absolutely horrible for you. I hope that you get back to your home and your family and that you feel complete again. Because it is really important to have people you truly care about around you and not be in a place with people that you don’t feel that close to or that much connection with. Your mom is upset because she thought that she was getting you to be the way she wanted and realizes that it was never true. So now she’s mad at you for her lying to herself. Tell her that. And this is coming from a mother with four kids. I think your mom did a horrible job with this whole move and never considered you.
NTA- you are about to be of age and can decide where to move and do with your life. Your mom is being selfish in only thinking of herself that guilt tripping was more of a slap to her, while she was lost in her own fantasy thinking everything was okay you shattered it by expressing this isn’t your family but hers. For that she is selfish for not understanding where you are coming from.
NTA amazing how they all understood how good it was for the husband and stepkids to be near their family but its shocking that you would want the same? Wild
Your mom is the selfish one if she thinks she can replace the community you had with things NTA
UpdateMe
NTA – Question: has your stepfather’s family been accommodating you? Did they too consider you family? That’s often the problem. Also: you never had a dad to begin with and was therefore closer to your grandparents and uncles back home, I totally get that you felt like having been ripped away from the only family you have ever known.
NTA. She’s the selfish one. As long as she and her husband got what they wanted, she didn’t give a shit that she was uprooting your life.
They’ve been trying to buy your love and happiness. To claim you’re selfish and don’t love her enough is manipulative. One could argue that she doesn’t love you enough in order to keep you near your family.
Tell her that they made the decision to move back here so her husband and kids would have the family and support they want and need, you’re making the same decision for yourself. If she thinks that’s selfish then maybe they need to look in the mirror.
NTA
“Most teenagers wouldn’t give a crap about the people they left”. Is she for real? A teen’s life, in every generation revolves around their people.
Nta. Your feelings still are not being considered by your mother and that’s all you need to know you’re making the right choice for you. Go home kid.
Honestly, I understand why you want to move back home. You have family, friends and a life there and it’s where you feel the happiest. I’m sure you will make the move when you’re 18 and things will be better for you. But remember, life throws us curve balls. Things don’t always go how we want them to. We just have to make the best of our situation and try to adapt to our situation. This includes having an open mind and being positive. Try to make the best of the time you have left living with your Mom, step Dad and step siblings. I would hate for you to leave on bad terms and damage the relationship with your Mom, as I’m sure she (and your step Dad and his kids) love you.
NTA.
Wild they could understand this for the step siblings but with you it’s pikachu face
NTA. You mom can have whatever opinion she wants. Your not the ah for not wanting to play house in her fantasy
NTA
> They always wanted to go back home. Because this was always home to them.
So the stepkids weren’t deemed selfish for wanting to “go back home,” but you are. Ask her to make that make sense.
UpdateMe
NTA. Things don’t mean much when you’ve left behind a big chunk of your heart.
NAH. Just show up a little more for what your mother wants you to to give some proper respect. You can’t please everyone. You can try.
Not the asshole. Home is where your heart is, and yours never left. Your mom made a choice for herself, not for you. Wanting to go back doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you human.
NTA. Good luck on your move. Btw is your mom Mexican? My mom always said she was going to strangle me in Spanish. I can lol about it now.