Alright, I’ve never used Reddit before so apologies if this comes out as a wall of text, but I was recommended to post here in search of different perspectives. If you’re a mom to a teen girl I especially want to hear from your perspective.
Background Info:
I’m a single father to my daughter (G). Her mom/my wife died in a car accident 7 years ago and it’s been just us since then, apart from in the past 6 months where I’ve gotten a girlfriend. I mention that to point out that we’ve managed through some of her big changes already and, being a man, I always thought I was doing a pretty good job of managing these “welcome to womanhood” moments (my daughter has told me I am doing good multiple times) but after this I’m not sure I can even understand from my perspective.
What happened:
About a week ago G comes to me and asks if we can chat about something, no problem. She tells me she wants to start wearing thong underwear and my first question was “why do you want to wear “sexy” underwear?”. She explained it had nothing to do with “sexy underwear” and everything to do with how she wants to present herself publically.
She showed me examples of her issues and I guess I hadn’t really paid attention before but she was right. In yoga pants her “normal” underwear was only covering about 80% of her butt and made some really awkward shapes out of the remaining underside. She described it as “10 pounds of booty in a 5 pound bag” When she showed me the “boy shorts” underwear under the yoga pants she said “visually it looks like I’m wearing your boxers under these” and she was right, it was not a good look. She also explained that she felt like if anything, these lines and awkward aesthetics would draw more attention to her body.
Everything she said to me made sense logically, I tried to put myself in her shoes and could understand a teen girl not wanting to attract eyeballs to her body, and especially not negative attention. After thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that I simply don’t care about what kind of underwear my daughter is wearing and if it makes her feel confident in her body that’s all that actually matters.
So G got to go buy new underwear, she’s less self conscious about if people are looking at her, and yeah the world keeps spinning because it’s not a big deal…
Conflict:
Here’s where I start to question myself and my ability to see from the opposite perspective.
I got a call from the mother of my daughter’s friend. She called to tell me that my daughter was a bad influence on her daughter, that she had been obviously corrupted by the internet, and G was trying to “turn my daughter into a slt” to have someone to “whre around town with”. I was caught by surprise by all that and she drops “did you know your daughter is wearing thongs and showing boys at school?”. I say yes to the first part and the second part just doesn’t sound like my daughter. She says some pretty messed up things like I’m “allowing my daughter to become a hoe”, she’s too young to be “sexualized in this way”, no wonder she’s “becoming a sl*t” because ” you can only turn her into what you know” and also pretty heavily implied that I allow my daughter to wear thong underwear so I can see her in it. Yeah, super vile and extremely upsetting to the point I had to go chop fire wood for a good half an hour after that to get my emotions under control.
When G was home I talked to her about what I’d heard, and she very genuinely had no idea what I was talking about. She said the only people who knew were her friends, but not because she told them, they just could see the difference. She says the whole friend group wanted her to let them see, to show off the straps above her pants, even to borrow some of her underwear. She said no to all of that. I guess her friends went home after and asked their parents to make the change as well which was likely the catalyst for the phone call I received.
When discussing this with my girlfriend she was obviously pissed about the things that were said about me and my daughter but she also pushed back on me saying I should have discussed it with her friends parents before agreeing. This was a pretty confusing statement to me so I had her elaborate and she said “When one girl in a group starts wearing makeup, they all want to start. When one starts wearing thongs, they all want to start. When one is allowed around boys unsupervised, they all want that freedom. You need to discuss these things with other parents because when one girl takes a step toward womanhood, they all want to take that same step immediately.”
I can understand that perspective, monkey see monkey do, but I would never discuss my daughter’s development with another parent. A doctor, a therapist, any type of professional, sure… But to call another parent and be like “hey my daughter is wearing thongs now are you ok with that?” Seems very strange to me.
Am I the Asshole for not discussing this change with the other parents in the friend group, before saying yes?
TLDR: Daughter changes to thong underwear, friends notice, a game of Chinese telephone featuring teen girls ensues, I get a phone call saying I’m a perv and my daughter is a sl*t. Girlfriend says these changes should be discussed with other parents within the friend group before being made. I’m unsure of that as discussing my daughter’s development toward womanhood with another parent is not something i would be very comfortable doing.
Comments
Why the fuck is it anyone’s business what underwear your daughter wears?
NTA. These people suck
NTA. My father is a single father to me, a girl. I remember he tried so hard and learned so much. I think you’re doing such a good job, you’re not a perv like they say and she’s not a sl*t, wearing underwear isn’t sexual in any way? She’s 12 for godsake. I think you did the right thing. They do not deserve to know that part of your daughter, they shouldn’t know, that is private information only for your daughter and who she trusts with that information.
Your girlfriend is wrong, she must have had bad friends growing up. Once I pierced my nose, my dad didn’t have to tell my friends parents about it, that’s bs. I’m sorry you went through this, and I’m sure its stressful on G as well. Definitely not the asshole, you’re awesome!
As a woman who grew up with a mother, I am here to say that neither myself or ANY ONE OF MY FRIENDS had parents who called each other up to make group parenting decisions.
I am not a fan of yoga or athletic wear that shows off all of a girl’s body, but that’s what they are wearing now.
WTF is your GF thinking about the group-parent thing? Hint? It’s not a thing and it’s a freaking huge red flag that she thinks you should parent by consensus. Utilitarianism has it’s place, but it’s not at home with your kids.
While I understand the draw of thongs and avoiding VPL (visible panty lines), I don’t know if I would let my 12 yo wear them, but Hey! It’s not my kid. She made a case and sold it to you in a grown up manner and you made a decision. I absolutely agree with the processes that made it happen and commend you on your parenting chops.
NTA
Literally no one discusses what kind of underwear their child is wearing with their friends parents. They especially don’t need permission from someone else to buy underwear for their kids. That’s fkn weird and I’d be questioning her as to why she’s co concerned about my child’s underwear. I’d also not be allowing my child over there anymore. Guarantee that her kid is the one telling her mom your kid is “showing it to boys”
Psycho mom, lying friend, cut them off.
Your girlfriend is also fkn weird to think that you need to have a group discussion with other parents before buying your kids underwear. Why are so many adults 1. Taking note of what she’s wearing 2. So concerned about it
NTA. your daughter trusted you enough to come to you directly and ask for something that would normally be weird to ask your dad. and you did as you should + heard her out. it’s not your responsibility to talk about those things with other parents, that’s strange lol.
I’m personally not a parent, but IMO, you’re definitely NTA. You allowed your daughter to speak her mind, your daughter gave her side of the story, and since you already set the precedent of trust and responsibility in your dynamic with your daughter, you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s opinions on the matter.
The bottom line is that these other parents don’t have that open communication with their daughters. You can see it in the way the mother of the other kid talked to you. Instead of hearing your side, she jumped to conclusions and insulted you. Don’t worry about these people and move on with your life.
Also, your gf might have some insider info about being a woman, but in my experience in life in general, I didn’t need to do everything my friends were doing. I mean, maybe with certain things, but not with the type of underwear that the group wears together. It’s such an odd thing to focus on.
If anything, let your daughter know to not talk to her friends about certain things from now on if this is gonna be the outcome.
NTA. As the parent of a 13yo I would never ever ever (two evers) think to speak to another girls parent about my daughter’s underwear situation. While I am not now nor have I ever been a 13yo girl im pretty sure that would be mortifying. This was not a group decision and the other mom’s hangups aren’t your problem.
NTA
Absolutely no to talking a out what underwear your children are wearing! Wtf is wrong with her?
With that said, as evident shows:
>I tried to put myself in her shoes and could understand a teen girl not wanting to attract eyeballs to her body
Wearing thongs is not the solution. My point to her would be, if your pants are so thin and tight that your underwear line can be easily seen by others, and you don’t want attention to that area, maybe those pants are not the right choice.
Tldr: If the underwear line is the issue, the underwear is not the problem, the pants are.
NTA Every reason your daughter gave is the reason thong underwear exists. To avoid panty lines. That Mother is insane for her reaction and it’s probably based on a “no woman in the house” assumption. Your girlfriend’s reaction I understand but the wording might be off? I think (or hope) she meant when parents are chatting with each other about their kids but for me it was always to get different perspectives, opinions, and viewpoints on developmental steps. Not asking permission.
No? Thongs wear better under clothes. Facts. People shouldn’t get their own knickers in a twist over something that has 0 effect on them – very creepy for someone to discuss your daughter’s pants with you!
I started wearing a thong at the same age for the same reason. I’m a different shape and traditional pants you could see through my clothing etc. nothing sexual about wanting to look your best in clothes. No one likes to see a pant line!
very very very strange of the other parents – and not a reflection on you. Your daughter had a problem, you fixed it. It’s not like you bought her suspenders or something! It’s a pair of pants!
NTA. I used to take what I refer to as my surrogate nieces shopping. One of them at that age asked for permission to use her allowance to buy thong underwear. Her reasons were similar, also she felt her particular anatomy would be more comfortable with that style vs the ones she had at the time. (While it would still be martial in her crack it would be less of it and so more comfortable). I talked to her mom to make sure I wasn’t greenlighting something that they’d already shot down. It was fine. No one else needed to be involved in that discussion.
Also I disagree with your girlfriend, yeah, all the kids that age want to keep up with their peers, but it’s up to those other kid’s parents to parent THEIR kids and set the boundaries in THEIR homes. You don’t need to consult the council for parenting decisions that you make for your child. In homes with multiple children, sometimes decisions won’t even be the same based on maturity and trustworthiness of the children in question.
Tell anyone calling your child names that you’re sorry their children are growing up in homes with parents that hate women. Because that’s what that is.
NTA OP and if anyone is sexualizing your daughter it’s the adult women in her life. FYI they do make seamless underwear that are harder to see the panty lines that aren’t thongs, but either way it’s not something that any other parent gets a say about. If they can’t say no to their kid without disrespecting yours or have absorbed some puritanical BS about underwear equating to purity or any of that purity culture nonsense, that’s on them and sounds like a them problem. Tell them that at least your daughter can talk to you and not to come crying to you when their kid is knocked up at 15 because they can’t have a reasonable conversation with them. You sound like you’re doing a great job. Anyone that is suggesting a possible incestual relationship is disgusting and not someone that anyone should seek parenting advice from. And it sounds like your girlfriend doesn’t respect you as a parent and needs to shut up and stay in her lane. She obviously has some gender role biases that I wouldn’t want my kid absorbing.
No one’s business but your daughters and yours, period.
NTA. Granted my children are not at pre-teen age yet, but I can’t imagine any situation in which my child’s underwear would be a “decision by committee”.
Also, we’re either sexualizing kids or we’re not. Kid gave a very logical reason for wanting that underwear, and I (a woman) would make the same call.
Could be a good opportunity to discuss “sexually charged clothing” with her though. Poor girl is going to learn about it at some point.
It is none of their business what your daughter wears, if she’s allowed dates, what she eats, sleeps, burps, farts or anything else. y they are not her parent, you are.
These parents want their kids to stay innocent. Kids won’t, and you recognize that NTA
> Girlfriend says these changes should be discussed with other parents within the friend group before being made.
They aren’t her parents? Why do they get literally ANY say in what your daughter is wearing? Their sense of self importance is crazy.
Short of your daughter flashing people (which it doesn’t sound like she is, it sounds like she’s just wearing them and others are being nosy as fuck) there’s nothing wrong with this.
NTA, keep doing right by your daughter.
it’s no ones choice but your own, and i respect you hearing your daughter out.
so you’re not the asshole for making the choice you did
however, I’d heavily reconsider letting your daughter wear thongs at 12 years old. I understand the whole panyline issue, my thing is that if you’re going to wear leggings so thin you can just see your pantylines, wearing a thong wont help you at all. All it will do is eliminate the under panty line and instead allow every one who looks to see the free movement of her butt cheeks.
slips and no show underwear are great for dresses, but for yoga pants you’re never going to hide anything if it was thin enough to show your pantyline to begin with.
I speak from exp with shopping for leggins for my gf. If you buy them from target for example and you bend over, you can see everything. There’s a reason why lulu lemon and the knock offs work so good, it’s because it’s not all see through. there is also a reason why gymshark and similar have stitches where they do it’s to accentuate the buttocks.
I’m all for woman autonomy at 18. flaunt and do whatever you want whatever your mama gave you. From a pschological stand point though, I just dno’t see any benefit to letting a 12 year old girls butt cheeks jiggle freely in leggings. Nor do I understand the issue with a 12 year old girl having pantylines. She’s bareley starting puberty for god sake. Even if she were weraing pants and a bikini under it, and the pantylines were obvious, who cares? Once you start validating these ideas at 12, they start manifesting into other things later. Things such as equating attention into self validity. The wrong kind of attention.
Mother of 2 girls here and ABSOLUTELY NTA! The only times I have consulted friends parents were about:
Anything else, the other parents can suck a cactus
Good ragebait…
Nta
NTA, fuck that mother in particular. I’m upset you let her talk to you like that. You and your kid can wear whatever the fuck you want.
As someone who went through puberty with a single dad, I think there will be things you don’t get completely right and that’s ok. Maybe your daughter was a bit young for thongs, but that woman sounds unhinged and you should ignore any and all opinions of hers. In terms of your girlfriend’s take, I get it, but you’re not obliged to parent in that way. As long as you know you had good intentions and your communication with your daughter remains open and supportive, you have nothing to worry about and are NTA.
No way in hell are you supposed to discuss your daughter’s underwear choices with other parents. Your GF is either imaginary or bonkers.
I’m a mom of a 12 year old girl. It would never occur to me to talk to any other parent about underwear. Or make up. Possibly dating, but in a ‘she’s growing up so fast’ way, not for permission.
NTA. Tell the other mom to mind her own business and stop sexualizing your daughter.
I’m a mom of a 12 year old girl. It would never occur to me to talk to any other parent about underwear. Or make up. Possibly dating, but in a ‘she’s growing up so fast’ way, not for permission.
NTA. TF is your gf on? Your focus should be on what’s best for your daughter, not how other people’s children feel. They should never have any input as to what underwear she is wearing. Ew.
NTA, what is wrong with that woman? Who talks to a father that way about his daughter? If she had concerns she could have brought it up delicately without calling your daughter horrible names. What a vile woman.
Nta- you r doing a good job Dad.
NTA- as a parent I don’t give a fuck what my kid’s friends are allowed to do because I am the parent in my house and K make the rules. I do think you’re daughter is probably not being 100% honest because she probably showed off the straps and I am sure someone saw so be careful with that because girls even good girls are not also big into attention especially from
friends but they like it no matter where it comes from and that is coming from a woman and an older parent of some very good kids. Nobody needs to know what kind of underwear your daughter is wearing but I hope to GOD as a single father that any phone or devices your daughter has is extensive with parental blocks including all cameras. Tell your daughter if those girls are lying they aren’t her friends and if they are telling the truth you’re disappointed because she is better than that. Tell the parents to fuck off.
No way do you need to call the other parents. If I received a call from another parent to inform me, I’d feel so awkward.
You sound like you are navigating parenthood for your daughter amazingly. Keep doing what you’re doing. To the others, tell them to jump. Your gf sounds weird, honestly lol
NTA?? why would you discuss the underwear your child is wearing with other adults?
NTA these people are insane. If they are sexualizing her underwear that says a whole lot about them.
NTA. If anyone was sexualizing your daughter it was the friend’s mother. No one should care what type of undergarments your daughter is wearing.
NTA. She’s old enough to know what she wants to wear and why. Underwear really only becomes sexual when you are actively engaging in sexual acts. Otherwise, at the end of the day it’s just clothes. I’m more concerned with wth is going through the other parent’s head to say even half that mess.
NTA for crying out loud. Girls and women wear thongs because there are no panty lines when you wear yoga pants, jeggings etc. Church women, professional women, moms and grandmothers wear thongs. It has nothing to do with being sexy and everything to do with comfort and style. The same reason why women wear strapless bras, because some clothing requires it if you don’t want people being able to see your underwear. Karen needs to get off her high horse and get some style.
NTA and THANK YOU for listening to your daughter!!! That is quite literally all that matters.
When I was her age I got constantly bullied because my underwear lines would show in my volleyball shorts, and my parents refused to buy me thongs for the same stupid reasons those parents had. I had zero desire to be slutty or sexy, I just wanted those damn lines gone and the bullying to stop.
Keep listening to your daughter, and reconsider if your gf is someone you want to keep around; that’s a massive red flag that she doesn’t trust you to parent your own child.
Yeah. NTA! Like everyone has said, your daughter’s friends parents don’t get to vet your parenting decisions. Your girlfriend doesn’t have a clue about being a parent. Each parent needs to do what is best for their family regardless of anyone else. You all have to get together and hash out when they get to wear makeup, wear thongs, date, get married? Ridiculous.
What I do want to emphasize tho is, kudos to you for raising a confident, intelligent young woman who is comfortable talking to her Dad about sensitive subjects. You are doing things right.
I don’t understand the gf. Does she have a daughter? Is she younger than you? Her position re group decisions with other parents just seems odd. Is she like this in other areas? Are you supposed to group decision what kind of pads and tampons your daughter wears? Just weird. I’d be on the lookout for what else she thinks is a group decision.
My kids wanted cellphones earlier than we wanted. I said no. Just because your daughter is wearing a thong if my kid wanted to and I disagreed I would say no. I wouldn’t reach a group decision about MY kid.
NTA. Your girlfriend is bonkers. I have two daughters myself and I don’t discuss their clothing choices, undergarments or otherwise, with their friends parents. Hell, my husband took the oldest to Victorias Secret to get her first fancy bra because he thought she deserved something pretty.
As long as no one is getting sneaky peeks, there is nothing to be concerned about. The friends Mom was just mad that you allowed your daughter the autonomy to pick her own panties. She doesn’t want her daughter to have that because she has opinions on that type of underwear and girls who wear it. That’s her own bias speaking and you should be applauded for listening to your daughter and doing what makes her feel most comfortable.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Girlfriend included.
Maybe I’m an old, but the fuck my mom asked any other moms for goddamn permission to parent me.
Sure one of the questions she might ask if I wanted to do something ie wear makeup, she asked if others were doing it as well – but that is an OUTER thing.
She sure as HELL didn’t ask for permission to buy me a bra for the first time – and I was one of the first ones to buy one in my class. First one to NEED one.
Honestly, keep your kid away from that mom. She will make up shit about your daughter. If she is so traditional – I’d call and ask to speak with her husband/head of household. Then I’d tell the husband that you do NOT appreciate his wife thinking she has a say in how you parent, and thinking about your daughter’s body. You bought your daughter the right underwear for HER body and you certainly wouldn’t be staring at his daughter thinking about her underwear choices. Ask if his wife is some kind of pervert?
NTA and I would have stopped listening to a word that maniac said the moment she started referring to a 12 year old with the type of language she did.
NTA – good on u for listening to your daughter’s concerns. Your gf is a freak though – who the hell discusses their child’s underwear with the parents of her friends? “Yeah, so my daughter is gonna start wearing push-up bras now – are u okay with that?” – tell me ur not a parent without telling me ur not a parent
She is your daughter you gf ia wrong you never need to discuss how you parent your daughter with other parents or you gf. Ditch the gf. She isn’t good. Keep doing what you are doing with your daughter. SHE TRUST YOU. That is more important than what any other adult says. It you two against the world. Don’t let her down cause other adults dont have tjr same kind if relationship. But seriously ditch the gf she should have never suggest you should talk to other parents about what you deem appropriate for your daughter. That is between you and your daughter.
AI
So yeah, YTA
Who the fuck labels things in reddit posts like
Conflict:
Fucking wild,lmfao
That’s absurd! Never ever consulted the parent posse on my decisions about my 2 girls. You did nothing wrong other than not telling that nutty parent to mind her own business and never insinuate those awful things again or there will be consequences!
NTA your daughter trusted you enough to come to you about this issue. It’s really f*cked that another parent decided to voice such hateful rhetoric toward you and your daughter over some damn underwear. She’s 12, talk to her teacher and just ask if anything strange has happened at school recently with the other kids. Then, send text messages to the other parent about their inappropriate comments and behaviors. As far as your girlfriend, it doesn’t sound like she has a child of her own yet, and while she is right about the monkey see monkey do problem that doesn’t mean that parenting is a group think issue.
NTA. It is absolutely no one’s business what kind of underwear your daughter wears and the only person sexualizing her is that disgusting woman.
NTA I’m a girl who was raised by a single Dad, he worked with me to make whatever steps I needed to when they were happening as I grew up, and yeah some of my friends definitely wanted to follow after I started being allowed to be for sexually active, get BC, things with my period etc, but it was never on my Dad to talk to other parents about what I was doing except my boyfriend’s.
So while yeah, your girlfriend has a point, monkey see monkey do, especially as teens, with how diverse and extremely defensive people can be about their parenting choices, ESPECIALLY more conservative parents, as you have found out, the only thing doing this weird parents onclave would achieve is you being shamed for being a bad father and your daughter being restricted by the beliefs of the most conservative parents of her friends.
That’s not fair to you or your daughter, and you’re doing nothing wrong here, keep supporting your daughter, and having real analytical conversations like this with her, you’re teaching her to really consider her needs, wants, and the real reasons she wants to do something rather than following trends. You’re doing a great job, you should be proud.
1000% NTAH
No, you don’t need a “group conversation” regarding underwear. What is your gf thinking!!
Oh & if the thong issue gets too bad for your daughter, there are actual underwear that are made to not have a VPL but do have full coverage. You’re an awesome dad. Keep being open with your girl it’s obvious she trusts you & is not afraid to speak about anything & knows you’ll listen & offer guidance.
The other parent is just mentally unstable… No other explanation for that tbh. Sounds like you’re doing a good job.
OP – I just had a thought.
You need to call the school and ask the counselor or principal for help. That you got this strange call that was highly disturbing to you. One, a parent is calling your 12 year old a sl&t and wh0re. Two, if she is to beleived about what her daughter said – another student is telling salacious lies about your daughter. Your daughter’s underwear is not up for discussion.
Do verify with your daughter that the friends who commented on her different look, etc. didn’t include boys.
I would have gone to that woman’s house and slapped her across the face for saying that about my 12 year old.
Why the fuck does anyone think it’s normal to call people to chat about your daughter’s underwear.
Also hell yeah to a dad that understands VPL (visible panty lines) and that they actually draw more attention! You saw it as totally practical and believed her when she said she wasn’t trying to get it for other purposes. Seems like you’re doing really well to me.
It’s groom-y that she expects it to be a group discussion and decision for all the girl parents. It’s giving me the skeeves. And I’d be grossed out af by the mother that called and I’d be telling your kid to avoid whoever her child is. She’s sexualizing a child and gossiping about children’s underwear choices. That also skeeves me tf out.
Nta. No you do not discuss this kind of thing with other girls parents. That is ridiculous.
I am assuming your gf is young and does not have kids. This is absolutely in no universe an appropriate conversation to have with anyone besides your daughter.
You have taught you daughter a good lesson. She presented a case to you with logic and made a request. This alone shows a level of maturity to allow her to earn things. There is no reason for her to be held behind if her friends are not mature enough.
Now the friends mom. Be forewarned. That mom will blame he daughters friends for everything that she does wrong. I would not allow my daughter around that mother and I would be encourage my daughter to ensure she always has more than one friend around when hanging out so there is witnesses.
What the hell did I just read? YTA for this nonsense story.
Nta. Hope you told the other mom that her caring about your child’s underwear is concerning and that she should focus on parenting her way.
Your GF is incorrect.
You sound like a really caring dad! Your daughter doesn’t have to clear her clothing/body choices with anyone except her parents. My daughter took birth control at a young age. Not for sex. She had a medical diagnosis that required the BC to help her symptoms. That kind of stuff is nobody’s business! Your GF is crazy!
Sounds like her friends mom is twat and TA
As a girl whose mom tried to govern others’ daughters by committee this created two problems 1.) other girls were mad at me for my mom’s actions 2.) it caused both parents and daughters to put up a wall blocking me out to not deal with my mom telling them how to parent. (Things like reading twilight books or movies that were watched “not being appropriate at this age” simply because she’d decided not to allow it and wanted others to back her up; they didn’t)
Ironically though, I was never governed on underwear, shaving, make up, boys etc. I was always told on those big topics “if you think you’re ready for something tell me and we can discuss it” and every time I felt ready she supported me and helped me learn and do things right. Those milestones were never brought up of “my daughter wants to do x, what do you think” but often they would say in conversation when in person “my daughter C has started doing X”. It wasn’t to get approval, but to say hey heads up my daughter is doing this now and here’s why I said yes. Things like clothing choices were never discussed this way though.
NTA.
Helllll no. There’s no asking other parents their opinions and I shouldn’t give them my opinions. Obviously, there’s asterisks to every rule, but in this instance, that mom better lose my number
I would strongly discourage her from wearing thongs- they are more likely to cause UTIs and chronic cystitis because they tend to slide more than other types of underwear.
NTA. If any other adult came to me and asked about my daughter’s underwear. I would let them know they are a pervert and sexualizing a child.
NTA you don’t need permission from some random woman on how to parent your daughter.
When my daughters tell me “but (friend) is doing/ going/ her parent let her (do whatever)” my answer is “I don’t care what (friend) is doing, she’s not my daughter, you are”. That woman’s comments were so out of line.
Hiya! Mum here!
First of all: you’re a good dad. Not just because you listen to your daughter and support her, but because she feels comfortable coming to you about these things. Well done, dad!
Secondly: that friends mother was completely out of order. Disgraceful. I have nothing more to say about that apart from: if teens are going to go out and have sex, they will do it with or without owning a thong.
Thirdly: why the hell would you discuss it with the parents?? If my child’s friends mother or father called me to say “oh by the way, I’m thinking of getting my child a thong. Just wanted to let you know, “I’d think they had lost their marbles!!
NTA.
The type of underwear your daughter wears is NO ONES BUISSNESS.
I’m 29, and I wear thongs for the exact same reason as your daughter.
Speaking as a dad, there can be some health issues with thongs, or so I’ve been told. Can you find a woman you BOTH trust, to help your daughter with this?
NTA
Oh HELL no!! You do NOT need to converse with other children’s parents on what you allow and don’t allow with your own child.
Yes, it’s a friend thing that if one can do something- they all want to be able to do the same thing. But thats up to their parents on what they’d allow.
Kids can’t always get what they want, and the sooner they realize it, the better!
We ALL remember the lesson of “if your friend jumped off a bridge…” from our parents when we were young.
You do not need to get other families involved on what you think is best for your family! Period!
Your daughter approached you respectfully with reasons for why she wanted that change. It’s no one else’s business on why you and her as a family made the decision you did!
Tell her friends mom to kick rocks! I wouldn’t ban the daughter from the friendship with that friend.. but I would ban her from ever being in the presence of a grown ass woman who talked about your daughter that way!
P.s- im so sorry for your loss!
As a mom, I think the way you listened to your daughter was the best thing. NTA— your GF is concerning, you may want to reevaluate that relationship and set some boundaries.
NTA. There’s ZERO reason for you to discuss your daughter’s underwear choices with her friends’ parents. What you allow is your family’s business just like those parents can say no (and then surprise Pikachu face when their girls sneak around to buy their own.
If the biddies contact you again, just be upfront; your kid was tired of having a visible panty line and a thong is hella better than her going commando.
You’re doing great. She came to you and made her argument logically and you acknowledged and agreed.
NTA. I’m a woman and when I wear yoga pants/shorts I always wear thongs. I have since I was in middle school. It’s just what you do unless you want panty lines or to look weird in what you’re wearing. 🤷♀️ it’s not a big deal and no, going to other parents to tell them what kind of underwear your underage daughter wears would be weird af. The mom that called you has some serious issues and deep-rooted internalized misogyny to be slt-shaming a literal child. I would never talk to that parent again tbh. You sound like you’re doing a great job and have a great relationship with your daughter. Don’t worry.
NTA the only people who need to know what kind of underwear your daughter wears is her and you bc u have to buy it. Your gf is weird af for telling you that you should consult other parents before making decisions regarding your daughter’s underwear. Sounds like the gf needs to be kept out of the parenting loop herself.
I agree with some other posters that you should keep your daughter away from that mother and the kid bc they’re obviously both vile people (like mother like daughter).
I think you did a great job navigating this situation with your daughter and it shows you’ve done a kick ass job at being a dad bc she was comfortable enough to talk to you about this.
My mom would have done this. She was a raving psychopath and I haven’t spoken to her in half a decade even after I found out she had cancer. The damage and abuse were that bad. The mom who called you is not normal.
Talk to your daughter. Explain that some people in this world (USA politics is a good example) who do not react in healthy ways. That if parents ever try talking to her on subjects like this to come to you immediately. Because soon she might encounter one that doesn’t seem a problem addressing her directly. Please also explain to her that her underwear and clothing choices do not speak to her morality or sexuality. That the only thing that matters is her motivations and to not doubt herself because of their comments.
Finally, you are being an amazing dad. That advice you need to give to your daughter you also need to take yourself. You are being there for her in ways most teenage girls don’t get. You two have a bond that no one can break. You can’t have that by getting it wrong. When the Karen’s come after you, think of your bond, remember that is the only litmus you need to know if you’re right or wrong.
I have a daughter who is 21 now, NO mother I know discusses these things with other mothers. I don’t know wth your girlfriend is talking about. And yes my daughter wore thongs because she didn’t want a panty line, same reason adult women wear thongs because they don’t want a panty line. Keep doing what you are doing, you sound like a great father. My mother in law commented once when my daughter was a teen and I told her she didn’t want panty lines and to mind her business.
I am a woman in my 50’s. My mother bought me my first thong underwear at 13 because I was sick of panty lines. No one else’s parents called….they knew to mind their own business.
NTA
The thong vs other is not new. My sport playing niece had almost the same conversation with her mom (aunt me as possible back up) 13 years ago, also 12 at the time.
She was embarrassed and had experienced some unwanted comments due to the “adds” her current undies presented.
It was a simple and logical decision. Just like you made.
This was not a “sexy” buy from Victoria’s Secret. You bought your daughter functional and appropriate under garments.
As for GF, she sounds off her nut. Karen mom is just being ridiculous and trying to control her child’s friends instead of parenting appropriately to her own kid.
You sound like a really great dad that has done a wonderful job being there for your daughter.
Take pride in that she was comfortable enough to come to you with this. That says so much about your relationship.
Stay the course, you are doing it right.
Seriously though, tell the GF to get back in her lane and stop with the cultish parenting by committee crap. That is not and never was a thing.
I think you and your daughter are being able to talk about the situation and you understanding why is amazing who what give somebody else’s parents the right to judge what kind of undergarments your daughter wears and that is the most insane thing I’ve heard you’re doing an amazing jobraising her with open communication. At least she feels comfortable. Coming to you like that. This is amazing. Don’t let somebody else’s parents change your parenting style or your daughter’s openness to be able to talk to you about it. I just don’t understand why you would discuss what your daughter’s underwear are with her friend’s parents, and she doesn’t make sense at all. I don’t know why your girlfriend would think that was it should’ve been done. I would’ve never caught up my daughter’s friend’s parents and said hey. Should I allow my daughter to wear thongs who does that?
NTA but I think maybe she should be wearing different pants if she needs to wear thong underwear
NTA for not discussing it with other parents. HOWEVER, as the mother of a 12 year girl I find it incredibly inappropriate for a 12 year old to wear a thong. I’d lose my mind if my kid was trying to sexualize herself at 12.
None of this stuff is anyone else’s business. So if you talked to the parent about the underwear change and she said don’t do it, then what? If you agreed with her, she’d be parenting your child, not you.
NTA you do not discuss your daughter’s underwear with other parents. Your gf is wrong. Very very wrong. You’re doing an amazing job as a father, minus listening to your obtuse gf. Just because other girls may want to follow doesn’t mean you need other parents approval. Please stop and acknowledge how wrong your gf is in this matter. What happens and is allowed in one house doesn’t mean other parents have to follow and this isn’t parent by group decision. I brought up wearing a thong to my daughter for the same reason your daughter wanted to wear them. This doesn’t make you a pimp for your kid. That mother was disgusting. Wearing a thing doesn’t make her promiscuous. You’re a great father. Maybe find a new gf. Keep up the good work!
You did not have to consult with anyone about what kind of underwear you allow your daughter to wear. A type of underwear does not make her a sl*t. Don’t worry about what these women think and just go on being a good dad. It sounds like you’re a great one.
NTAH you did the right thing for you and your daughter. I applaud the open communication you have with her and hope it continues
I would suggest having a conversation with her about her friend whose mom called you. It sounds like a friendship you need to keep an eye on. The friend seems to be telling untruths about your daughter at least to her parents, potentially to others.
I would also recommend having a conversation with your daughter about what type of attention she’s been getting that is making her more self-conscious.
We did not parent by group and since no parents are calling asking your opinion on if things are ok with you for their kids, I think it’s obvious no one else is.
Talking to other parents about your daughter underwear is just plan creepy. If another person ask me about they kids underwear I would ask WTF is wrong with you?
To phrase what you’re asking another way that may help, “Do you really want to colect the opinions of the parents of all your daughters friends every time she wants to do something new?” The mother has zero business saying any of that about you or your daughter, but, in all honesty, the thought that you should be turning every change into a public forum on what your daughter is allowed to do is ridiculous.
NTA – your girlfriend could be an amazing person in general, but she’s a complete idiot in this situation.
I too am a widow, with a pigeon pair. I’ll admit you had me at the title. But I agree with you once you explained her reasons. You do not ever need to consult anyone on your parenting choices.
You. Are. Her. Only. Living. Parent.
She is too old to have anyone else think they can make parenting decisions for her. Yes there may be times you should consult with your girlfriend, IF the situation would impact her as well. Outside of that.
It’s a no from me.
NTA! As commented below, I’ve been wearing thongs since I was 11, I also asked my mom abt them because I did not like the panty lines they left, I also didn’t like the feel of regular panties rolling up with my jeans.
It sounds like youve got a pretty good relationship with your daughter, there’s trust there. Don’t exploit that trust by telling everyone your daughters business. It’s no one’s concern what undergarments your daughter wears and if they’ve got an opinion give them some side eye cause why you worried abt what’s going on under a MINORS clothes??
You are the parent, your daughter is old enough to know what makes her comfortable and to pick out her own underwear. You don’t need to consult your GF or other parents on undergarments for your kid.
NTA
NTA – and you DON’T discuss your child’s underpants with other parents. You did a great job so don’t second guess yourself. She gave you very valid reasons for wanting them, you listened, she got them. Excellent parent-child relationship.
In the event she finds the thing uncomfortable, there are other options available that don’t cause lines or distort the shape of her rear but give a little more coverage – and less stress on the crack. Seamless underwear are usually available depending on her size, “cheeky” cut is a good one.
Your GF is delusional! Never ever consult other parents to make decisions regarding your daughter.
Why is the other girls mother sexualizing YOUR CHILD? Calling a CHILD vile names and making accusations without evidence? That parent is unhinged and if a parent called me talking like that about my CHILD, I would put them in their place! One of which is to set a boundary around respect and how to treat children. In addition to reminding them that they can be held accountable for defamation of character and verbal abuse of a child if it’s said to my child.
I’m going to go against the grain. She showed her friends, her friends talked, do you think it was only to their parents they talked to. You likely should assume most the boys in her grade now know she wears thongs. They are forming opinions about your daughter’s reputation. A reputation that a 12 year old should not have. They will be treating her different, perhaps not respectfully. Would I get a 12 year old thong undies? No, would I revisit this at 15 or 16, likely. I think you shoulda got some feminine advice before making this allowance.
Wut? Your gf said discuss that stuff with other kids’ parents? Looooooool.
There’s way too many people interested in your daughter’s underwear. Beyond you and your girlfriend it is really nobody else’s business. NTA
Why would any other mother care about her underwear?
She also called your young daughter a slt and a hoe.
I would tell the whole school.
My daughters are 12 and 16. I would not buy them thongs. They have panties that are made to not show panty line look up no show panties. As far as the friend’s mom if you want to explain the situation to her, go for it. Let her know you don’t appreciate the way she approached the situation, but you are open to pointers that you maybe oblivious to. I guess it depends on if your daughter still wants to be friends if you need to work it out with the mom. Best of luck. Teen girls are not easy, you’ll need all the advice you can get.
NTA. What the hell? Whether it’s a thong or seamless bikinis (both of which I wear under yoga pants), it’s a piece of clothing. Period. It’s creepy as hell that the mom called you, tells us exactly how deep in the gutter her mind lives!
HUH?! Why would you feel the need to consult with other parents about YOUR daughter’s underwear? That is just creepy on a whole other level. Tell those parents & your GF to mind their own business. The only person raising your child is you. NTA but I don’t believe a teenage girl should be wearing thong underwear either.
I almost think that the thong is beside the point. If any parent called me and referred to my daughter as that parent did, I would have said she had no right to refer to my daughter like that and therefore I would not be interested to anything else she had to say and hung up on her. I wouldn’t want my daughter around that mom anymore too.
When I taught group exercise, I chose to wear a thong because there are no panty Iines. Panty lines draw attention to your butt. I didn’t want to draw attention to my butt.
Many girls and women instead of wearing a thong will NOT wear panties under yoga pants, bike shorts, etc., so there WON’T be panty lines. I think a thong is preferable to no panties, but thats my opinion.
Your girlfriend is way off base. Group parenting is an invasion of privacy. You’re doing a good job of being the only parent to your daughter because you listen, communicate reasonably, and care about her well being. You are NTA, but that mom sure is and anyone else that butts into your and your daughter’s personal business. Because it is NONE of their business. Full stop.
as a woman that is not that far from still being a teen, your girlfriend is weird asf and so are your daughter’s friend’s parents. each girl develops at their own pace and it’s up to each set of parents to supervise as they will. i mean did this same group of parents call you when their daughters started wearing tampons or having “boyfriends”??? no, no they didn’t… and to call a teenage girl despicable things??? um, ew. i wouldn’t let my daughter hang out with these girls anymore. it sounds like theyre trying to manipulate their parents and it’s making your daughter look bad. OP you’re doing a great job in an impossible situation.
Uhh, thong underwear for a 12 year old is a bit much, I can see the other parent’s point of view. But if this is something you want to continue then prepare yourself for not having your daughter sleeping over at her friend’s house and vise versa.
No, you should not be discussing your parenting with other parents who are not her parents. But I do get it because when I was around 12 years old. I had friends who wore thongs and I also wanted to wear thongs but my mom who said no and didn’t allow me to wear thongs never called the other girls moms about the choices they made about their parenting, that’s just absurd.
never in my entire existence of being a woman has anyone asked my parents if its okay if my friends start wearing thongs or makeup. that woman went too far and you have some kind of self control because i would’ve tore her ass to shreds for talking about my daughter that way.
OP, NTA, but it seems you’re the scapegoat. This woman who called is overreaching on so many levels. You dont need to explain yourself to anyone. How lucky you are that you can have a thoughtful and open conversation with your daughter. What you are dealing with that woman who called is a control freak.
My opinion only. At that age girls are still learning my how to clean themselves properly. If I can recommend not using thongs for all women I would solely cause when you sit and stand your getting the back stuff go to the front. So unless you’re very careful you can get UTI and other infections. There are a lot of no show panties. However I would like to also say that mother who called you to talk about your daughter is just a self conscious BITCH. I wish I could capitalize that even more. As a parent you need to protect your child and ensure anything they wear is specifically cause they like it not for anyone else benefit.
Imagine another parent calls you and wants to discuss the underwear of a group of 12 year old girls. Do you a) have the discussion or b) assume the parent is a peadophile and avoid all future contact?
NTA it is none of their business what parenting decisions you make, especially when it’s about your daughter’s underwear!
NTA
Your gf has NO CLUE what she’s talking about. Never in my life have I ever heard of any parent contacting the parents of their child’s friends, and getting ‘the ok’ from them about parental decisions. Sorry, but only I made the decisions concerning my kids. I didn’t go asking for permission for my daughter to wear makeup, get her nose pierced, or wear whatever damn underwear she wanted. Are you supposed to call the parents of all of her friends to ask if it’s ok by them if your daughter uses tampons instead of pads ? Is ok with them if she colors her hair ? Do they mind if she gets a spray tan ? Absolutely ridiculous . Do NOT listen to your gf.
Your daughter’s friends’ parents have no say in YOUR decisions concerning YOUR daughter. Underwear style doesn’t make you ‘loose’ or promiscuous. It’s unfortunate that that mother is basing character on things like clothing, especially clothing that nobody is looking at. And I’m gonna bet said mother has thongs of her own that she wears – so does that make HER all the things she called your daughter ? Whether she’s married or not, nor her age, matter here since she’s saying that you only wear thongs to get people to look at your ass and attract sexual attention. So, I wonder how often she’s throwing herself out there for sexual attention by wearing a thong ?
You’re doing a great job ! Your daughter absolutely trusts and feels comfortable enough with you to discuss issues that can be embarrassing for anybody, but especially at your daughter’s age. This is how it SHOULD be ! I feel sorry for her friend because it’s clear that she doesn’t have that with her mother. Keep doing what you’re doing. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have such a comfortable, open, understanding, relationship with you.
So no your not the Ahole for not discussing it with the other parents it’s not their concern.
I will say this though and there may be some who disagree but I have three girls myself two of which are teens. I as a mother do understand the concept behind it and although very true wouldn’t allow my girls to wear them at such a young age. The alternative to that would be to go up a size in their underwear so that the lines are not shown or get pants that fit them but not to the point we’re the lines can be seen. I want them to be young ladies and to present themselves as such.
Now when they hit 18 they are legal and can purchase it on their own but if im buying it the answer is no. I allow for them to express themselves in other ways but not in something that will be to revealing.
What they wear under their close is no concern of anyone else’s and of they say something they looking too hard
As a woman who grew up with a single dad for most of my childhood, you are doing a Great Job. NTA. At all. Your daughter trusts you and confides in you and you are making good decisions for her. Way to go Dad.
I would tell her the daughter of sketchy Mom is a house she can’t stay over at based on what that woman said about her. I’d also log this down in case that Mom decides to call CPS for no reason and be cautious about that girl coming over.
NTA. Your daughter decided what she wanted and discussed it with you in an adult manner.
As the mom of a just turned 13 year old girl I applaud you for being an amazingly understanding dad!! Thank you for listening to your daughter’s concerns instead of immediately saying no to “sexy” underwear.
I have NEVER and will NEVER discuss my parenting decision with other parents to make sure we’re all “on the same page” about what we’re allowing our kids to do so it’s fair for everyone. I am the mother of MY children and my husband and I make decisions on what’s best for our children.
I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup until I turned 15 when so many of my friends were wearing it from age 12 and up. My parents told me life isn’t fair sometimes and parents make different decisions for their children.
NTA
You absolutely should not be discussing your daughter’s underwear choices with anyone, especially not her friends’ parents. That would be inappropriate, just as the unhinged mother making a psychotic rant about your daughter’s underwear is wildly inappropriate.
I’m a mom & a woman who grew up with a mom. I have no clue where your girlfriend is thinking it’s appropriate to discuss your daughter’s underwear with other adults. But no mentally healthy parent would do this.
NTA.
It is normal to talk to the parents of your kid’s friends about what you each allow for your own children so that the host parent won’t inadvertently allow a guest to do something they aren’t allowed to do at home.
It is normal to discuss parenting decisions with one’s friends, especially if they are parents themselves. Some of those friends might be the parents of your kid’s friends. If so, I can see where it would be helpful to talk things out knowing the kids will also share.
Neither of those two normal behaviors make it at all reasonable for anyone to expect other people will run their own rules for their own kids by anyone else for approval. (Unless they’re under DCF supervision)
Can you imagine widowed father calling pre-Teen girls mom’s and asking if their daughters wear thongs?
How freaking cringe would that be?
Y are NTA. Trust your child.
the clothes issue is exactly why thongs exist though. sure “no show” underwear exists, but depending on your anatomy it still shows. if there’s a large difference between your hips and waist, or you have a curvy butt shelf (the bottom of your cheeks) thongs are the only thing that won’t show. if you fit your waist, the legs dig into your cheeks and if you fit your butt/hips, the waist bunches up and creates weird ripples.
it sounds like once again, conservative adults are over sexualizing things.
I don’t have kids, so if I’m wrong, then my apologies. But imo, you should not have to discuss anything like this with your daughter’s friends’ parents. That’s really weird. It sounds like they’re saying you need to get permission from THEM first, on how you’re raising YOUR daughter. And from what it sounds from your side, it seems you’re doing a pretty good job withOUT their input. Seems to me maybe the other girls are jealous of your daughter, and spreading untruths to their parents to make your daughter and you look bad, because their parents said no. If they were true friends, then maybe they wouldn’t care what another girl was wearing or doing, as long as nobody was hurting anyone else. NTA. Those girls’ moms can go kick rocks, for all I care.
Just ignore me, feeling so old and dying at all the hilarious comments saying that they’d NEVER show their underwear to their friends, omg! Clearly they missed the “whale tail” fad LMAO.
NTA, sounds like you and your daughter have a great communication system going, keep it up, it’ll be a God-send when she’s in high school if you’re able to maintain it together. I have no idea what your girlfriend is talking about, parenting by committee is not an actual common thing, don’t know where/how she grew up that it was.
You sir are doing a good job. Your kid is openly communicating difficult topics with you and guiding you through her thought process. And then even leaves your room to form your opinion. That sir, is a sign of very decent parenting.
I wouldn’t care what other mothers think. Especially if they communicate their view in such a bad manner. That mother knows you are a single dad. She knows you are doing a 2 person job alone, she knows you lack the ovaries for some of the talks and questions. And yet she still chose to attack you like this.
I only have boys, but I’m quite certain I would not allow thongs yet at the age of 12. But that is a personal choice. I can also see the beauty in your thinking and choice. So you do you. Let others do them.
Everyone except you and your daughter in this story are just absolutely bonkers
NTA.
Tell the woman it’s weird to be so concerned about teenage girl’s underwear and ask her if she’s a predator.
NTA – It’s great that you have a good relationship with your daughter.
Your GF is clueless. DO NOT take parenting advice from her!
DO NOT take any crap off other parents.
The VPL (visible panty lines) issue is so real. I worked at a camera shop in my early 20’s (in the late 80’s) and the misogynistic male sales guys would literally rate how bad the VPL were on every woman coming into the store, it was so insane. This made myself go commando and at 58, I still do not wear any. 🤷♀️
Just tell your daughter to keep this stuff on the dow ln low in the future.
Okay, woah woah. I think how you handled the convo with your daughter makes perfect sense. I was that age and FELT THE SAME way.
If your daughter was in any way using the underwear to be “slutty”, its hard to believe. Its underwear.
For another woman, a mom, to make those accusations against your daughter is extreme. And wrong. It suggests way more than what she’s saying.
I promise you, young girls this age like thongs and small underwear bc they are more comfortable and dont cover all your butt (I’ve worn thongs since I could buy them, its NOT sexual!!)
What your daughter wears for underwear IS NOT her friends’ mom’s business. That’s just inappropriate and I think shes bringing it up because she realizes you dont have a wife to discuss this with. Which seems manipulative too. Not a fan, personally.
NTA. I would have said you were the asshole if you HAD announced to her friend’s parents what type of underwear she was wearing. It is underwear. It is always gonna be hidden under something. So what it looks like doesn’t matter. .
this has to be fake and if it’s indeed fake then it’s kinda sick to be making a fake story about a 12 yo wearing a thong 💀 if it’s real then what the actual fk???? a random woman slt shaming a 12yo for her underwear choice?
LMFAO! If this is real, your girlfriend is INSANE! Parents do NOT talk to each other about their children’s underwear.
Your daughter’s friend’s parents need to get a life. Calling you daughter a s/ut could and should be hazardous to their health. Totally out of bounds. I ran into this same issue years ago when my daughter played volleyball. Those shorts don’t really work with anything but a thong. I was embarrassed for a bit but myself and the other dads got with the program and the rest is history. Don’t let anyone call your daughter derogatory names.
No your gf is wrong. It’s nobody’s business what kind of underwear your daughter is wearing and you did not need to discuss it with anyone else. Kids are going to get influenced by their friends yes, but also by a million other things. You don’t need to discuss parenting choices with other parents.
The only person who should be deciding on what kind of underwear they are wearing is the person wearing that underwear. NTA
NTA, that’s a completely normal answer. Certain underwear doesn’t work on some bodies well. All ofy siblings wear different underwear styles based on our bodies and clothing. Did my friends and I discuss these things? Yes, but did our parents have to agree on what we could all wear? NO. It’s wild your GF thinks so. Don’t take the mom’s words too hard, some parents have wild opinions based on religious trauma, especially with their eldest child, or most “sinful looking child”. It has nothing to do with you or your daughter.
Omg no you’re absolutely NTA here!
I would be SO weirded out if my kid’s friend’s dad called me and asked “hey, do you let your kid wear thongs?”
That’s so much creepier!
Honestly I don’t trust this woman and would not allow my kid over to her house anymore if she was allowed before.
Hell no, you are the parent.
You wouldn’t call up her friend’s parents to ask them about medical procedures would you? No so why the hell would ANYONE think you should be discussing your daughter’s underwear with anyone other than your daughter. Your girlfriend is a weirdo if she thinks you should have and obviously is the type to easily succumb to peer pressure.
Your daughter likely won’t even be friends with these girls in a few years, focus on your daughter and doing right by her instead of strangers.
NTA and don’t take parenting advice from your girlfriend.
NTA
You listened to your daughter who had valid points. I don’t think the solution was to get thongs, but instead maybe get looser or thicker yoga pants (or alternative pants) if that was really your daughter’s main concern. That in no way means that your decisions or her desire for thongs is wrong, just that it was probably never going to be a solution for the booty lines she was concerned about.
I understand what your girlfriend is saying and, yes, some parents do kind of casually consult other parents to share plans/opinions etc. Underwear? For a 12 year old girl?! Absolutely not! Also, no one should be noticing underwear. If friends are still noticing underwear lines or changes, it sounds like thongs weren’t the solution to the problem. And, I think parents consulting each other is rare and not the norm most if the time anyway.
But here’s the thing – that mom …. WAY out of line! There is ZERO cause for any of that childish and hateful behavior. If she was genuine instead of judgemental, she could have voiced this to you in a constructive way and made suggestions – not accusations. Screw her! And to be honest, if the mother is saying that stuff to you, she’s definitely saying it to her daughter, who is probably naive and going to eventually believe what her mom says.
Talk to your daughter about options, but also please reiterate that feeling comfortable in your clothes does NOT make her s3xualized or a 5lut. You’re doing a good job, dad. Hang in there! 🫶🏼
Your girlfriend is full of shit. Nobody does that with their kids friends parents. NTA
At least this one is creative
Why the hell is it that lady’s business what your kid wears. Tell her to take the stick out of her ass and worry about her own kid. She sounds like mother of the year. Did I say mother of the year? I meant bitch of the year sorry.
Oh, “my 12yo showed me a bunch of pics of women’s butts to prove how she needs to wear thongs”. Not fucking likely. YTA for posting your fantasy if 12yos
G sounds like a level headed smart kiddo and the type of underwear your child wears or does not wear never needs to be discussed with others, let alone grown ass adults who aren’t even her parent.
These women have a wild take on this and are putting too much thought into a child’s underwear, all while hypersexualizing her. That’s just weird.
but she also pushed back on me saying I should have discussed it with her friends parents before agreeing
This parent has already pointing fingers at you for incest, if you had attempted to have that conversation she would still say he was a pervert and mentioned possible incest.
NTA, that is not a thing. It’s no one’s business what kind of underwear your daughter wears. The other parent can mind their own business.
NTA
You decided your daughter’s reasons for wearing thong underwear is fine. Her friends’ parents can or cannot allow thrir daughters to wear thong underwear.
It’s underwear that crawls up her butt.
Mom of a 26 year old daughter here. I never discussed my kid’s underwear or clothing choices with my friends or the moms of her friends/the neighborhood moms. The only time I discussed her clothing stuff with even my own family members was to tell them what sizes, colors, and styles she wore for stuff like Christmas and birthday gifts. The idea of having a group consensus with other mom friends about my kid’s underwear is freaking bizarre.
NTA. Everyone except you and your daughter and being super fucking weird in this. you are a good dad and have done a wonderful job if your daughter is comfortable enough to have these conversations with you. I have a teen girl and i would NEVER EVER talk to her friends parents about MY parenting decisions and the decisions WE MAKE AS A FAMILY. Your girlfriend is mad weird for this bro and unless she is step mom material she should also have no say on how you raise your daughter. Just keep being there for your daughter she is unfortunately about to enter a tough social time. her “friends” are about to spread a bunch of fake rumors about her because they are jealous. her “friends” parents are about to to the same about you and your daughter. Both of you hold your head up high. be there for your daughter. monitor her social media in case of bullying as well as her school life. have her focus on school and the things she loves. spend time with her and continue to cement your bond – tough times are ahead but with proper communication you will get through it both of you.
NTA. I raised two daughters and never once discussed her underwear or clothing with her friends’ parents. That’s none of their business. I would have had some stern things to say to any mom who spoke to me like that about my daughter. That woman was way out of line. If she had concerns, she should have approached you in a civil manner. I’m shocked by the way she talked about your daughter. I would have told her off.
I am sorry but WHAT?! NTA obviously because what in the fresh hell is this? How humiliating would it be for a teen girl to have their parent call up their friends parents to talk about their underwear choices… In the first place it’s genuinely nobody’s business what underwear she wears… but I have never in all my life heard anyone think it’s not only appropriate, but *necessary* to discuss your teenagers underwear with other parents, or to even consider consulting them to ask for permission for your kid to wear a certain type of underwear. It boggles the mind. Your girlfriend might be well meaning but she’s out of touch with reality. Underwear isn’t makeup. It’s highly private/personal information.
NTA. You have done everything right. Your girlfriend is wrong. No one needs to ask anyone for permission on how they raise their child unless it is illegal. Thong underwear is not the problem here. The problem is her friend’s parents are making their issues yours. You have already dealt with your daughter about her undergarment choices, and now they need to do the same. They could literally just tell their kid no and be done with it. Calling you and flipping out is just uncalled for- much less cursing and shaming a 13 year old kid. I wore thongs when I was a teenager because I was just trying out different underwear to see what FELT most comfortable. All women’s underwear is basically sexualized anyway…
Confiscate or take back the Thong from your daughter and replace it with SEAMLESS Panty more modest type underwear.
Let me just say I really fkn hate Karen.
Can confirm no discussions had around underwear
No way should you discuss with her friends parents that’s ridiculous. But a 12 year old has no business wearing thongs! She’s way too young. All that how it looks in yoga pants etc is BS. But that parent that contacted you had no business either to say those things about your daughter.
Nta. There is no reason you have too consult other parents on decisions you make about your daughter. And that mom
Has it backwards if anyone is a bad influence it’s her. Her daughter is going to be the kind to grow up feeling ashamed of herself and her body. She will grow thinking anything she does is wrong and sexual and have self esteem problems.
I say this as a mother of a 13 year old girl and a woman who was once a tween/teen whose father bought her all the sexy, womanly undergarments because I made a good argument for it. Similar to your daughter.
Wearing thongs as a teenager is not something I would enable my daughter to do. If she gets a job and starts buying them herself. Go for it. But I’m not buying them. Why? Because they can lead to infections. I know some might argue they don’t. I believe most adults wouldn’t have as much of a problem with keeping them clean but a tween would. They need to be changed more frequently than briefs. I don’t know about your daughter but mine is still learning appropriate hygiene.
All that said, to answer your question. No, I don’t consult my daughter’s friend’s parents about things like this because my child is not theirs. Resilience is built when parents don’t save their children from their difficult emotions. Different house, different family, different rules and expectations. And that’s okay.
This is so ridiculous since it only matters if people can actually see certain body parts in public. It would be similarly ridiculous to accuse somebody of being a sl*t for taking a shower while naked.
NTA. you made sure your daughter was comfortable in her own clothes/ body instead of telling her to suck it up and be miserable which would’ve then pulled her down confidence wise. the fact alone that she felt comfortable enough to say “hey dad i want to wear thongs” and then proceeded to show her case of why just shows how great your doing dad. the friends mom tho however is definitely the asshole because why is she sexualizing teen girls underwear? i’ve had a 90 year old woman tell me she ONLY wears thongs and has been that way since she was 15 years old for this specific reason, she said she loves them bcs they’re sm more comfortable and you can barley feel them and they never took away from her natural body shape which always gave her the confidence she needed as a woman for HERSELF not for anyone else. your daughters underwear is between you and her and it damn sure ain’t NOBODYS business, why tf would she want the whole block to know what kind of underwear your daughter uses? just sounds so weird to me on the friends moms part.
>She showed me examples of her issues and I guess I hadn’t really paid attention before but she was right. In yoga pants her “normal” underwear was only covering about 80% of her butt and made some really awkward shapes out of the remaining underside.
Then her clothing is too tight or she needs to cover her bum. She just needs longer shirts, not to wear thongs.
You have been played by a 12 year old
NTA. This rings similar to teen girls wearing crop tops instantly “makes them a hoe”. “They only do that for attention” “raising wh*res” etc. I experienced this first hand many times. Family and family friends mocking teen girls for “showing to much skin” and mocking me when I started to wear thongs/crop tops/bikinis. I switched to thongs for the same reason as your daughter around the same age (25 now).
I think you are doing what is best. I have so many body image issues from these comments and started wearing only leggings and sweaters for a long time. Anything to cover my body so adults wouldn’t sexualize me. You are doing the best for your daughter. As for your girlfriend her “advice” is horrible and cringe. Asking other parents for permission on anything is weird. Even if it was makeup that would be very weird. I get the “group mentality” thing but frankly that’s not your problem. If all the friends were strict no sugar but your daughter let them have a cupcake and now they want a sugary treat now and then, that still wouldn’t be your problem.
My daughter started asking to wear them at that age too because that was the fashion and I allowed it. A lot of people had something to say about it, but guess where those underwear were three four weeks later, in the back of her drawer. Let your daughter Express yourself how she wants to but the other parent parent their child
Your girl is crazy, it ain’t no one’s business about what kind of underwear your daughter wears. It’s better to have an open relationship with your daughter then her hiding behind your back like your daughters friends will with their parents
NTA I don’t know what weird world your gf grew up in but it is NOT normal to share that stuff with parents of other kids. I have a 19 -and 16 yo daughter. I would not discuss underwear and becoming more womanly with any of the parents of my kids unless we were extremely close. I do not want adults looking at and sexualizing my preteen.
This is probably a complete nonissue if the single parent were the mom and not the dad. The other parent went straight into a felonious accusation. Her reactions were unacceptable. NTA.
You are a good dad. You did the right thing. You sat with your daughter, discussed why she wanted to make a change, had an open and healthy conversation, and the made changes accordingly.
That’s it. You are right, you don’t need to “check” with other parents. They can parent their own children how they see fit.
Your girlfriend is “right” that friend groups will try to follow suit with others, but that doesn’t mean you need to discuss or disclose changes with your daughter to their parents. Those parents need to have their own discussion with their kids instead of calling you and shaming your daughter.
Um no. A lot of my friends got to have boyfriends before me, wear makeup before me, wear different styles of clothing before me etc etc and whether I agree with those rules or not none of my friends’ parents ever had a conversation with my parents about it because wtf? Weird. My parents would always tell me that they are MY parents not my FRIENDS’ parents so they can parent their children how they want and they are gonna parent me how they want. That ended the conversation for me. Your daughter is not her friends’ parents’ child, idk where your gf got that idea but you should probably have a conversation with her about that. Knowing where she got her ideas about parenting is good to know before you really start integrating her into everything. I understand your daughters struggle lol and I think you’re amazing to understand where she’s coming from and sympathize. You’re doing great!
NTA, your daughter’s choice of underpants is her business, you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission before taking your daughter shopping for Underpants! Your gf is way off base, and the mother that called you up? She is a vile piece of work.
Keep the conversation going with your daughter, perhaps she should be avoiding the girl with the crazy mother.
This is not real. As a long time middle school teacher, that’s not how 12 year olds talk. And why words for something too tight when they mean that panty lines are showing? That makes no sense.
No one needs to know what type of underpants a female chooses to wear, nor should they have an opinion on it.
I think you’re doing great as a dad. It shows because she came to you to talk about something that is objectively uncomfortable as a teen girl. It sounds like these other teen girls are throwing her under the bus, as teen girls do. Just keep doing what YOU think is best for you and your daughter.