I am very sensitive to hearing and loud noises.
I grow up in a Chinese buddhist family where respect is really important to elders here. I personally get really annoyed with my families as a whole but I’m nice to friends, so I feel quite two faced in that sense. Just that when I’m at home, I feel on edge and everytime I hear them speaking Chinese dialect really loudly, I get so irritated and need them to shut the hell up.
My grandfather has hearing problems, but even then I’m still not patient, I got frustrated over the many few years because he starts mishearing things then proceed to be like, “What are u even saying?” with his confused, unhappy face. It pisses me off greatly. And of course since his hearing isn’t well, he likes to play sounds on his phone really loudly or speaks so damn loudly. And because I hate to repeat myself after he asks questions in his loud ass tone, I’d also reply with the same loudness and it’s either he can’t hear me, mishears me or says “Why are you being so loud?”
My grandmother, I’m usually okay with her, I know she’s a good person but when she come back home from her part time job, she nags about literally everything and I honestly suspect all my family have anger issues including me. I can’t stand the nagging, the constant talking, the language, everything.
I know I’m not a good person, because I get taken care of my whole life and I still act like this. But I can’t help it after living here for so long, I can’t adapt to this annoying environment, I do wish I didn’t exist so I didn’t have to feel so guilty about the disrespect I show.
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I am very sensitive to hearing and loud noises.
I grow up in a Chinese buddhist family where respect is really important to elders here. I personally get really annoyed with my families as a whole but I’m nice to friends, so I feel quite two faced in that sense. Just that when I’m at home, I feel on edge and everytime I hear them speaking Chinese dialect really loudly, I get so irritated and need them to shut the hell up.
My grandfather has hearing problems, but even then I’m still not patient, I got frustrated over the many few years because he starts mishearing things then proceed to be like, “What are u even saying?” with his confused, unhappy face. It pisses me off greatly. And of course since his hearing isn’t well, he likes to play sounds on his phone really loudly or speaks so damn loudly. And because I hate to repeat myself after he asks questions in his loud ass tone, I’d also reply with the same loudness and it’s either he can’t hear me, mishears me or says “Why are you being so loud?”
My grandmother, I’m usually okay with her, I know she’s a good person but when she come back home from her part time job, she nags about literally everything and I honestly suspect all my family have anger issues including me. I can’t stand the nagging, the constant talking, the language, everything.
I know I’m not a good person, because I get taken care of my whole life and I still act like this. But I can’t help it after living here for so long, I can’t adapt to this annoying environment, I do wish I didn’t exist so I didn’t have to feel so guilty about the disrespect I show.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) im rude to my grandparents by always arguing
with them and telling them to shut up when I feel displeased (2) of course it makes me the asshole, who does that to their grandparents? It feels very personal and two faced of me because I am not rude with my friends but always on edge with my family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling, OP. You could have a medical condition that could be anything from anemia to depression to autism. There are a lot of possible explanations for your feelings, but when you’re this distressed about them, it’s obviously become a problem. You need help with this. Have your bloodwork done to check for any deficiencies that could contribute to your mood–they can have a huge impact. If you feel like the loud sounds are causing you pain and are so difficult to deal with, you could have a sensory processing disorder or ASD. Or, this could be a mental health issue. Talk to your primary care doctor, OP, and tell them your concerns. Tell them this feels like it’s not who you are and all the rest.
Something is amiss here and you can see it–time to get to the bottom of it. It could be that all you need is some talk therapy, but I suspect there might be an underlying issue here. I felt the same anger about a lot of things–sounds, smells, activity, light. I had undiagnosed ASD. Knowing more about myself and being able to talk to people about how best to support my disability has helped a great deal with everyone’s happiness. Addressing the depression that made me angry at the world has helped me not feel that way anymore. The point is that if your angry feelings are causing you distress, they need and deserve to be addressed. You’re not a bad person, OP. I have a strong feeling there is at least one medical diagnosis that could help explain your feelings. And they CAN be treated. Good luck, OP. If you can, when you can, remind your family members that you love them.
whoa, that deteriorated quickly at the end.
So, lets unpick. YTA for being impatient with your grandfather who has a disability that disconnects him from others and makes his environment confusing. Be patient. He is elderly and having a hard time, and even though it is frustrating he deserves patience. And he won’t be around forever. So try your best to be kind.
You seem like a nice person – you recognise you are being impatient, and you are quite sensory defensive, so sounds bug you more than they might other people. That’s okay. You can learn strategies to cope with that, or wear earbuds that take the edge off the noise for you.
But where did all the self-flaggelation come from? And why wish you didn’t exist or beat yourself up with guilt about small things? You deserve kindness, even from yourself. So please talk to a therapist about this, and learn to show yourself and others some compassion!
YTA. There’s no reason to be disrespecting your grandparents like that when you live there for free. Buy noise cancelling headphones and move on with your life. You are not entitled to a silent world.
You’re grappling with a lot here, and it’s !#%ustrstandable, but consider the long-term effects on your relationships. Instead of shutting them down, find ways to express your feelings constructively. Patience can be challenging when irritation builds up, but take a step back and think about how to approach this differently. Change starts with you; perhaps discussing it calmly could bridge that gap.
OP, you don’t mention your age, but I’m assuming you’re young. It sounds to me as if you are just itching to get away and be independent. Understanding that this goes against cultural norms, this must make you even more frustrated because you’ve been taught that you’re “supposed to” be compliant and respectful, esp. if you are female. But you probably just want to LEAVE. Can you? Can you work on separating and individuating? This will do wonders for your mood and your level of irritation.
NTA, but work on becoming your own person ASAP.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think you may have some. undiagnosed condition and need to develop some coping mschasims, like cognitivme therapy.
As an aside,I have honestly considered moving to Singapore because they outlaw gum. I hear popping, cracking, and chomping and it immediately triggers an anxiety attach.
r/misophonia
Asian families and cultures are difficult. When I was your age I felt the same anger and frustrations. As you get older you learn to accept what it is. You cant change them. You cant move mountains of years of behavior. Culturally you cant tell them what to do either, especially at a young age. You have to find your peace somehow and accept thats who they are, you cant change them but you can love them for who they are. One day when they are gone you will actually miss it. When I was a kid my grandmother would secondhand smoke around me all the time and I hated it. I told her it’s bad for me and I dont like it. She said it’s too bad im old I can do what I want. Now I would so anything just to get another moment with her even if she was smoking a whole pack next to me. We have our faults. Deep down they are not doing it intentionally to hurt or annoy you. Accept them for who they are
Change starts with you. Will it happen immediately, no, but it will happen over time. You need to learn coping skills and descalation skills. Work on positive communication skills and a positive attitude. Taking 30 seconds to breathe a few deep breaths and thinking before speaking are important skills. Look at anger management strategies.
Edit:
Help your grandfather get a hearing aide. Help your grandmother when she gets home.
1…if loud noises bother you that much, you may be on the spectrum. Get tested.
2….Get Grandpa a hearing aid.
3….take a deep breath and realize while they irritate you now, one day you will wish that irritation back.
4….life is too short to be upset about something so trivial.
Yta. Ungodly so, just the way you talk about your grandparents pisses me off. Who made you god, get over yourself or move out, if you’re too young wear some headphones and show some damn respect. When they’re gone you’ll truly know what it feels like to be an unbridled assshole, so I’d treat them well for as long as you can.
You definitely need to spend as little time as you can at home. You are right, you have an anger problem that you need to work on, and it’s hard work, but it seems like your grandparents are not easy to live with. I sympathize with you because my mother has a hearing problem and for the longest time didn’t want to use a hearing aid. The constant loud noises really messes with your head, and for sure exacerbates your nerves. Unfortunately it’s their home, and old people tend to be very stubborn and averse to change, so the only aspect you can control are your actions, because even your feelings are out of your control right now. You need to put limits on yourself: You can feel angry at them, but you can’t scream or tell them to shut up (just one example).
But as I mentioned first, the most effective thing is removing yourself from the stressful situations as much as possible physically (leave the room/leave the house), or mentally (if you know your grandma is going to complain anyway, doesn’t matter what you do, just do what you want – be it help or not help – and try to tune out when she’s complaining, I have learned that with people like that, the less you speak, and the more you turn their rants into white noise, the less stressful it is for you).
So YTA a little bit, but there’s a ESH element here.
But you’re far from a monster, and most families deal with the same kind of problems in different degrees. You just gotta work on yourself, do the best you can, and take some deep breaths (or whatever meditative practices you can incorporate in your life).