So I wanted to get more out there and try to meet new people, I’m always stuck in the house now. But is should’ve know that making new friends won’t always work out, never again.
Op(24F)
I’m a new mom to a baby girl, I’ve given birth two 3 weeks ago. I was tired of being stuck in the house so I went to Facebook and found some groups for moms, I found a great one so I signed up. So need to start attending, so I planned what day. My husband didn’t really like the idea only because he was still scared of me moving around, but he said if I’m ready to do it.
It was the day of, I put my daughter in a cute outfit with all her stuff. The walk was 10 minutes, I was nervous because I was meeting new people. There was a lady at the front desk so I asked for instructions, she set me to a room. When I got there were a lot of moms but I said hi to everyone, so one of the employees were showing us a presentation. They we had to ask questions about our concerns and get to know each other.
They were asking what does our relationship look like with the kids father, I don’t know if that was appropriate but everybody seem to be on board. Me and another mom were married and most of them were single moms, I even asked my own question because I’m still new to this.
One mom asked how was breastfeeding for us, some had their reasons. I don’t breastfeed so that’s what I said, I don’t breastfeed because anytime my baby would latch on or if I was pumping then I would feel depressed and this happened a lot so I stop for my own mental health and the switch was great! The room got quiet and they asked why not so I told them why. That’s when another mom next to her said I need to stop that because ik putting my child in danger by giving her formula all the time, my doctor covered it. I told her my baby loves the formula and I don’t see the problem, some moms were giving me judgmental looks.
I would’ve thought mothers are supposed to look out for each other, but they’re the most judgmental people I’ve met yet. I told her she doesn’t need to worry because my baby is health and good but she seemed to have something against me, she said I can’t always trust my doctors. I came there to learn and ask but this is all I got, I asked her what does she gain from being weird. I could tell she was embarrassed because it got quiet, maybe my husband was right about it so I guess I’ll have to be my own friend and find some stuff to do.
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So I wanted to get more out there and try to meet new people, I’m always stuck in the house now. But is should’ve know that making new friends won’t always work out, never again.
Op(24F)
I’m a new mom to a baby girl, I’ve given birth two 3 weeks ago. I was tired of being stuck in the house so I went to Facebook and found some groups for moms, I found a great one so I signed up. So need to start attending, so I planned what day. My husband didn’t really like the idea only because he was still scared of me moving around, but he said if I’m ready to do it.
It was the day of, I put my daughter in a cute outfit with all her stuff. The walk was 10 minutes, I was nervous because I was meeting new people. There was a lady at the front desk so I asked for instructions, she set me to a room. When I got there were a lot of moms but I said hi to everyone, so one of the employees were showing us a presentation. They we had to ask questions about our concerns and get to know each other.
They were asking what does our relationship look like with the kids father, I don’t know if that was appropriate but everybody seem to be on board. Me and another mom were married and most of them were single moms, I even asked my own question because I’m still new to this.
One mom asked how was breastfeeding for us, some had their reasons. I don’t breastfeed so that’s what I said, the room got quiet and they asked why not so I told them why. That’s when another mom next to her said I need to stop that because ik putting my child in danger by giving her formula all the time, my doctor covered it. I told her my baby loves the formula and I don’t see the problem, some moms were giving me judgmental looks.
I would’ve thought mothers are supposed to look out for each other, but they’re the most judgmental people I’ve met yet. I told her she doesn’t need to worry because my baby is health and good but she seemed to have something against me, she said I can’t always trust my doctors. I came there to learn and ask but this is all I got, I asked her what does she gain from being weird. I could tell she was embarrassed because it got quiet, maybe my husband was right about it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Don’t associate with any mom groups who try to make you feel bad for not breast feeding. Fed is best.
Nta, the mom’s kinda were to you for judging you over FORMULA some of them maybe even got it and they choose to judge you for not letting your child starve? No matter why you don’t breastfeed, she didn’t have the right to act as if a literal doctor would try to poison a baby and that ahe knows better since she’s a mom.dude yeah you are a mom congratulations that’s still a doctor who probably studied that stuff and all. Don’t let other moms make you feel bad for making a decision that is good for you and the baby. Mom’s judge over vaccinating a baby.
I’m really sorry! There are so many reasons why someone would use formula with or instead of breastfeeding. It’s not always a choice either.
There are good mom groups out there. Don’t give up.
It seems like being home, some people have lost their social skills.
I get that everyone involved is likely young so I realize that people are still trying to figure out how to relate to people as a parent. It’s totally normal to ask in a mom group if someone is single or not, breastfeeding or not so no need to take offense. Hopefully as you get into your groove you can phrase your choices as a definitive statement of fact rather than trying to phrase your decision as a defense of formula feeding.
I think it’s fine to call out a person who is being impolite to you about your feeding choices. The word choice “weird” was perfect. People do need to feel shame for being rude.
It is no one else’s business why you are using formula. I breastfed my bio children because it worked and came easily for me. I realize I was lucky in that way. We also did 3 foreign adoptions of infants, these babies used formula. I was confronted aggressively on more than one occasion about poisoning my child with formula. One occasion I was in target buying formula and one aggressive lady would not leave me alone . Insisting I was poisoning my baby and she was going to call CPS on me, I had to have store security escort me to check out and to my car because this woman was crazy. My friend had a double mastectomy for preventive reasons and was still confronted at the hospital about not breastfeeding. It’s insane the that people think they are entitled to comment on your choices. New mom’s are weirdly competitive and many have superiority complexes which makes things worse . If your child is healthy and growing practice saying fed is best, my doctors support formula and my using formula is none of your concern. Congratulations, you are feeding your baby and I support you.
I breastfed my son for two years. Stay away from those weirdos.
Those people are jerks, and you stood up for yourself while getting bullied in a room in front of new people. Honestly, it’s the best way to deal with people like that, head on. She got embarrassed because she was out of line. I would just work on being friends with the other ladies and screw her.
It went quiet because people were worried about your baby. Between formula and breast milk, breast is best. There’s no getting around this. Between a baby being fed or unfed, fed is best. There’s no getting around this. So your baby is fed. That’s good. But it’s not the optimum choice. You don’t share your reasons for not breastfeeding here. Some moms’ milk never comes in. Others have issues with their nipples. There are assorted physical or medical reasons why some moms can’t nurse their babies. Some moms just don’t want to. If you have a physical condition then they may have gone quiet out of compassion. If you just don’t want to, they may see you as a bad mother. Not the kind of person they’d like to share motherly bonding with. That’s just how it is. They may not judge you for piercings, tattoos, or sleeping around, but do something that they believe will hurt a baby and you’re the devil. Does formula hurt a baby? Well, it feeds them. But it’s not optimum. And be very careful about the formula you use because some of them are truly bad. Never use a Nestlè product. Both your ob/gyn and pediatrician should have told you breast is best but they sign off on formula because it’s an alternative. Not a really good one but your kid won’t die. You say she likes it. Maybe she’s never had the alternative. Most babies who have had breast milk don’t really like formula when it’s offered. Your baby wants her formula because she knows she’s not hungry afterwards. However, there’s stuff in breast milk that formula just doesn’t offer. There’s just no getting around this, OP.
Edited: fix typo
I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. Those women are horrible.
FED IS BEST
There’s also a decent chance not all the people in the group agreed with her behavior or views. Maybe they just didn’t want to get involved, were waiting to step in but it ended quickly when you shut her down, or weren’t comfortable sticking out their neck for a brand new member.
In general, her attitude would be considered pretty rude in any modern-minded mom group. I think the general consensus these days is fed is best, and to at minimum be respectful towards moms who choose not to breastfeed for whatever reason be it practical, medical, or personal preference.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she was violating group rules with her behavior, might be worth checking with the organizer.
I’ve heard that a lot of Mom Groups are like this, OP, very judgy. Most new parents are very insecure, they suddenly have total responsibility for another human being and find it overwhelming and second-guess themselves constantly, and well. Some people deal with that kind of insecurity by attacking others for perceived faults, so they can feel superior and stop criticizing themselves. For a while.
So, you’ve found a bad judgy mom group, I hope there are better ones in your area, or at least, some local mothers who are good company.
My kids are in their thirties. I learned early on, there’s always somebody who wants to be in competition. Just move on and don’t engage. Just because your kids are the same age doesn’t mean you’re gonna be friends with that person.
I met wonderful friends that I still have today.Thirty five years later. I met a lot of bitches that I never talked to again.
So ur not supposed to listen to ur Dr but listen to someone from a FB group? Don’t go back OP I’m sorry you were treated badly
If there’s judgmental mums it’s not right for you. You’ll find the right one. Some people think every nay can be breastfed and they can be judgmental.
I would have thought mother’s are supposed to look out for each other.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No and they can be some of the most judgemental of other mothers. I only have two mom friends and that’s my exSIL and my cousin. The rest of my friends are guys, some dads and some singles.
I made the mistake when I was a new mom thinking like you did and realized very quickly I did not.
Fed is best, whether it’s breast or bottle. Wayyyyyyyy too many women like to judge mothers for this now when in the 90s I had to argue with family members that breast milk was enough and I did not want to supplement. One aunt swore formula was the perfect nutrition and she would mail me cans of Enfamil. I donated them to the food bank.
This is not a good Mom’s group. Kudos for you getting back at that bully. New moms should not be shamed. There are so many complexities to caring for a baby. These people know nothing. Stick with yourself for awhile. Research anything in the future real well. Ask around..The one thing that they shouldn’t be doing is stressing out anyone.
Okay, so you had a bad experience. It was once.
You’ll do another search and when you find one, you’ll ask about breastfeeding.
Here’s the thing, Facebook is hit or miss. In fact, my daughter reported that there are definitely mom groups that she would NEVER associate with. It doesn’t have to be with breastfeeding. It can have to do with a while lot of things.
Because you know there’s only ONE way to raise a child (their way). I’d just laugh at this and move on. Obviously we’ve each been raised differently. We are nice people. Not abusive, And not criminals. Just because I raised my child differently than your way fine means absolutely nothing!
Personally, I’d hang out at the group for a bit. You don’t have to be super involved. You want to monitor the group to see if it fits YOU.
I’m also not so sure I’d join a group like the one you did. Yeah it’s to meet new people. But a presentation? A required question and/or answer period? That’s a pretty clumsy and forced way to meet people and form relationships.
First of all, fed is best.
Second of all, I’m so very sorry for your rude awakening to the world of mom groups. We are a very judgemental bunch, unfortunately.
You really just have to find one or two that you jive with, and then do your own thing.
And don’t ever, ever let your kid climb up the slide at the playground 😂
Also, trust me–by the time you make it to graduation, no one gives a f anymore. Lol!
Non-mom here – but through some passive observation, it really seems like mom groups are made up of some of the cattiest people ever. 😬 I hope you find the support you deserve, sug. If you were in SouthernAlberta, I’d be able to help! 🙃
A lot of uneducated parents like to shame others to gain some sort of superiority. If you read enough parenting books, the new ones contradict some of the old stuff. Listen to your pediatrician.
If baby is fed and happy, you’re doing it right.
“Don’t trust doctors” and “do your own research”?
I don’t think you want to be friends with this crowd.
Sounds like a red flag that you might’ve been dealing with the anti-vax, anti- science crowd. Especially, if they’re so judgey and alarmist about breastfeeding.
You and your baby are better off without that kind of toxicity.
Was this a La Leche League meeting? Breastfeeding is the commonality there, but even then, leadership isn’t going to make you feel less than for formula
New mommies are one of the most judgemental groups I’ve ever dealt with in my life. It gets better as the kids age and everyone chills out, but those first time newbies are brutal.
This group seems nosy at best. There are good ones out there but this isn’t one of them.
NTA.
Did you join a breast feeding group by mistake?
There are sooooo many types of Moms groups out there and many of them have some unifying factor / which might be breastfeeding.
Go online and read the mission statement of groups until one clicks for you – there are religious based groups, sahm based groups, working parent based groups – ALL of these groups can be judgy to those that don’t fall without their parameters … which isn’t good, just true.
Finding a group can be so wonderful – perhaps even just look into something like stroller strides or mommy and me dance classes and you will find yourself meeting the other moms that way. Just finding an activity you all
Like can help with a connection.
Any interest group is made up of people, and some people suck. There are lots of advantages to breastfeeding but it’s not for everyone.
A lot of mom groups are SUPER judgey and breastfeeding is one of the things they get meanest about. I couldn’t produce milk, and I tried. Fed is best, and anyone who says otherwise is being a jerk.
She said “I can’t always trust my doctors”…. WTF? Any quick internet search will explain the values of formula vs breast and all the reasons why. Jeepers. You got unlucky with this judgemental group of moms, but don’t give up, there are a lot of good and kind new moms out there with open minds who would be supportive. You’ve just got to try again! I wish you and your little one the best life!!!
NTA. You stood up for yourself. That group was weird and toxic. You just need to find another one.
Fed is best.
Went through the rigmarole with my first. Didn’t produce enough. Tried everything I could find. Oats, flipping Guinness, supplements of all varieties. Finally got reglan from my doctor and rapidly became crushingly depressed and STILL didn’t produce enough.
Your mental health is more important than being crunchy enough for judgmental women.
Fed is best. This is not the group for you and furthermore, screw them for being judgemental aholes. NTA
Please try another group, they aren’t all like that. The moms group I joined after I had my first kid was the best thing I ever could have had in my life. 16 years later I still love those ladies. They were there when I needed friends and support and fun nights out.
I chose not to breastfeed for my mental health. I didn’t even attempt it and if anyone said anything to me, I didn’t care because I know myself best. I already struggled with night feedings, I can’t imagine what would’ve happened to me if I also breastfed. Your mental health is the most important. If you are in a good place, you can be a good mother to your child.
One of the worst byproducts of social media is the absolute right some people claim to tell everyone else “you’re doing it wrong”. In a group like this, these judgmental moms have no idea the damage they can cause to women who, for whatever reasons, cannot BF, to say nothing of those who choose not to for reasons that are nobody else’s business.
Good for you! I’m also a formula mom, there’s no room for mom-shamers in my life!
How horrible! I hate it when people assume that how they raise their kids is the only right way. I received some judgmental comments from people when I start breast-feeding my babies at six months due to chronic mastitis. My doctor actually convinced me to do that because he said it wouldn’t be any better for them to be breastfed than on formula as they were receiving antibiotics all the time as it passes through to the breast milk. They told me that whatever made me less sick was best. But some people just think that they know better.
Those women sound horrible and I wouldn’t go back, and good for you for calling her out. And good for you for taking care of yourself! D-MER is a very real condition and your baby needs her mom happy! I hope you can find a more supportive mom group!
First of all, good for you for wanting to get out and meet other moms to learn and take time for yourself. I’m sorry that you didn’t find the supportive space you were looking for.
Second of all, you’re giving your baby the gift of a happier mother who can focus on bonding and caring for her rather than forcing yourself to do something that makes you depressed because it’s the “right” thing to do. I was formula fed and, at forty-three, can’t tell that it’s made any difference. I’m also the mother of a formula fed twelve year old daughter who’s brilliant and funny and honestly the greatest thing ever. As long as your doctor is on board, keep doing what’s best for you and your baby. You’ve got this!