I’ve been dating a girl for 2-3 weeks. On our last date, she asked, “Do you make enough money to support a family on your own?” I replied something like “Depends on the location, but in this city, I make enough for us to live comfortably, yes.” I was clearly signaling that this wasn’t a topic I wanted to dive into, I looked away, tried changing the subject etc. We’d already talked about our jobs on the first few dates, so I’m pretty sure she had a general idea of what I make.
Later, somehow the conversation circled back and she straight up asked “So how much do you make?” I was caught off guard and it’s not something I usually talk about this early with someone. My first thought was “Did you really just ask that?” and jokingly I replied “So how many men have you slept with?”
Obviously she was extremely offended and I instantly regretted it. I explained that I wasn’t comfortable discussing my salary this early and that I felt pushed by how persistent she was on the topic. Safe to say the rest of the date was pretty awkward and we haven’t spoken since.
I obviously messed up but at the same time I can’t help but think: “If she cares that much about how much I make, maybe we wouldn’t be compatible anyway”
Now I’m curious though. AITA here?
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I’ve been dating a girl for 2-3 weeks. On our last date, she asked, “Do you make enough money to support a family on your own?” I replied something like “Depends on the location, but in this city, I make enough for us to live comfortably, yes.” I was clearly signaling that this wasn’t a topic I wanted to dive into, I looked away, tried changing the subject etc. We’d already talked about our jobs on the first few dates, so I’m pretty sure she had a general idea of what I make.
Later, somehow the conversation circled back and she straight up asked “So how much do you make?” I was caught off guard and it’s not something I usually talk about this early with someone. My first thought was “Did you really just ask that?” and jokingly I replied “So how many men have you slept with?”
Obviously she was extremely offended and I instantly regretted it. I explained that I wasn’t comfortable discussing my salary this early and that I felt pushed by how persistent she was on the topic. Safe to say the rest of the date was pretty awkward and we haven’t spoken since.
I obviously messed up but at the same time I can’t help but think: “If she cares that much about how much I make, maybe we wouldn’t be compatible anyway”
Now I’m curious though. AITA here?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA info goes both ways
Yeah, that happened and then there was no second date. ESH
YTA. Income is a totally normal question for someone dating seriously, especially if she’s thinking long-term. You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, but flipping it into a body count jab wasn’t the move
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NTA, you did not mess up. Tough luck for her.
She wants to go in depth in one area you are perfectly fine to go in depth into another area.
YTA, It seems like she was genuinely asking and you just did something to deliberately hurt her
Seems like you knew it was an asshole move. That’s why you said it. Thst being said, it also sounds like you didn’t plan to continue the relationship anyway.
Definitely ESH
NTA It was incredibly rude of her to ask your salary. Maybe even more so than asking how many people she’s slept with. I think you dodged a bullet.
YTA specifically on topic but really ESH overall. Drop her. It’s obvious her concern is money, if she kept circling back to the topic.
What you did, you did out of spite and that’s not cool.
Who cares what her body count is? She is looking for someone to pay her way, not a life partner.
NTA She pressed you on a question that she thinks makes you more or less attractive and you clearly weren’t comfortable answering. You just did the same thing she did to prove your point. If she didn’t wanna answer your question she shouldn’t have been asking her question.
Sounds like she wanted to stay at home and be lazy and live off your money.
ESH. She sucks for asking your salary, you suck for asking her body count.
YTA but softly the reason is because of the way you deflected, equating her question to asking about her sex history was probably shaming to her even if you meant it as a way to stop the other question.a simple” i’m not comfortable sharing that yet” would have been better.
There are 2 types of dating, dating to date. Dating to marry. If you are just dating this question is inappropriate. If you are both dating to marry, then wanting to know what type of lifestyle, children, income, is expected etc are valid questions. However, so is the history question, knowing about emotional baggage, ex BF’s that still show up etc, that is all just as valid as lifestyle, family and income questions. But no one agrees with me on this ever so I’m sure I’ll get down voted to hell and back.
NTA. You saved yourself from a remora.
ESH. She was in the wrong clearly but responding with a question like that was lousy. Next time just leave. If a male friend of mine pulled that I’d wonder about him.
Dont listen to anyone else telling you that yta.
First of all, that is a very good question to ask, because you’d want to avoid STD’s and such. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise I dont care if its a million people. Knowing someone who could be your future girlfriend/wife, and knowing their past is very important. Dating is all about vetting whether someone is a good match, and if a high body count turns you away, that is your right.
Secondly, her asking you about how much you make isn’t a bad question, and its her right, but trying to ask it twice after you already answered honestly the first time is definitely strange. If she only asked it once, I’d be ok with it, but asking the question multiple times over the course of 1 date even though the other person already answered and isn’t comfortable with it is a red flag that should not be ignored.
Now, that is assuming you are telling the truth. Many people do lie on reddit, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
TLDR: NTA
ESH. You for not using your words – no one can read minds. The best response would be “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that at this point”. If she pushed it, then she isn’t respecting you – so maybe this isn’t the one for you. Her for asking this of someone she barely knows.
“Do you make enough to support a family on your own” means she wants to stay at home and not work. She does not want to financially contribute to any future union. So this relationship may not have been going anywhere anyway.
There was a “rest” of that date? YTA for being passive aggressive instead of just saying you aren’t comfortable talking about that. Or even calling her out and asking her why she keeps bringing that up. Does she want to be a stay at home mom? Maybe you don’t want that. It would make more sense to just discuss it than to avoid it.
ESH – 2-3 dates in and she’s asking for your salary figures. You should have just said you don’t like to talk about money or pointed out that she had asked you the same question and multiple ways, and ask her what she sees in you and has kept her coming back. Or just ask her how much she makes. Asking her how many men that she slept with was inappropriate, it’s not even on the same lines as what she was asking you.
ESH.
Asking about financial stability, generally, politely, vaguely, is probably an OK ask, even early in a relationship. Asking for a specific salary early on shortly after receiving a signal that “I don’t wanna talk about this yet” is weirdly intrusive.
Replying with THAT question is absolutely an escalation. She prodded you, and you prodded back, MUCH harder, and with a question that has a lot of sexism loaded in it for a lot of people.
I think you two are probably done. And should be.
NAH, or potentially ESH
Neither question would phase me the slightest, and I would be somewhat confused if it was a secret. Both topics are a rather large part of us, what life we have had, and it is interesting to talk about. But being pushy about it? Eh, no point in that either.
No worries OP.
You didn’t say that on your own, but AFTER she inquired about your salary a few times…
I hope you knew you two were over at that moment as it was way too soon for her to be asking about such a thing.
She wasn’t even hiding or pretending to NOT care about money, about what you made etc.
She showed her hand right away and she had a lousy hand.
Greedy, selfish, wants you or whoever she’s with to take care of her…
Now, if you somehow still wanted to try with her, then you should NOT have said that about her partners…
You might be the AH, but she had it coming
ESH
2-3 weeks. If you don’t like the question and are offended by her persistence (you have every right to be) you should just walk away. Retaliating with a question designed to make her uncomfortable is just petty.
YTA – you could’ve communicated that it made you uncomfortable instead of asking what her body count is. 💀good call on realizing you two aren’t compatible.
That’s hilarious, I’m gonna blurt that question out for no reason in the near future, thanks
ESH. She asked you an uncomfortable question without considering how it would make you feel. Your reaction was to fight fire with fire and make her feel just as uncomfortable. At this point, I think you should both just move on
NTA You didn’t mess up. That was the perfect response. She wanted to numbers and put it all on the table.
ESH both your questions were inappropriate for that stage of a relationship.
That made me laugh.
U did great kid
She kept on making you uncomfortable so u turned the tables good for u
Always say your broke or just get by. No one should ask that question that early on. Unless your planning a family or moving in together, it’s a no go and red flag.
ESH but like- the lowest stakes version of it. I understand why you got uncomfortable it’s kinda scummy to ask that, especially when you made it clear you didn’t want to talk about it, it would have just been better to say what you said afterwords instead of the slut shaming comment first. But it seems like you know that. At least it seems like no great loss she sounds obnoxious.
NTA-You dodged a bullet my man.
NTA. That is important to know.
She was clearly a gold digger, so good riddance.
ESH. She’s rude and tactless, and you’re immature
ESH. What a terrible first date. You both get zero points. Imagine being told you both have terrible social skills by some redditors.
Without reading the whole story I was going to say you are the AH because it’s none of your business how many guys she’s slept with.
However—her questions are also completely out of line and none of her business either.
So I guess ESH?
Didn’t even read the post. Yes YTA because who gives a fuck about body count, that’s a made up thing. But according to some other posts salary came up? So ya, whole thing is toxic. Get the fuck out of it.
Yes definitely
I think that was a good reply/retort. Invasive and rude tit for invasive and rude tat. NTA.
Normally, that would be a total AH move. In this case? That was the only right answer. NTA.
NTA – Seems like a fair response to me
You sounds like a perfect match; both of you are complete assholes.
NTA. She wasn’t really interested in you. She showed you with her persistent question what her priority was. I hope you find your true someone OP. She wasn’t it. Best of luck to you.
YTA for comparing the two.
ESH but who cares, it doesn’t sound like the relationship was going to last anyway.
Let me sum this up for the people in the back:
So… How much do you make?
Pff. Are you a ho? Because I believe that the only value you have is sex. And if you ask me about my job, then your body must be worthless.
There. Did I forget something? Maybe this should be posted in r/inceltears
NTA. She asked a rude and inappropriate question and you asked one back. What goes around comes around. The difference is you weren’t sincere or expecting an answer on which to judge her — you were illustrating a point. She, however, was doing all of those things.
I’d say this worked out well for you, even if it was a waste of time.
ESH her for being pushy, and you for not having the emotional maturity to express when you’re uncomfortable with a topic.
NTA – You did not mess up. It was going well until she messed up by pushing the topic
Next questions
“Do you like anal?” or “Have you got a bucket fanny?”
ESH – That’s an asshole question, but I think you know that and it’s why you asked it. You must know that you were being an asshole in response to her being an asshole, so I’m not sure why you’re asking.
NTA because it was none of her fucking business how much money you make!
NTA. Sure, you jumped from giving social cues to giving her a taste of her own medicine, but you effectively made your point. Hopefully she learns from this, and then society is better off because of it.
You simply held up a mirror. Aggressive, sure. Other ways to make the same point, sure. But you’re NTA for matching energy.
Gonna go with ESH because you might have used your words to express your feelings rather than being deliberately insulting, and she sucks for being nosey about salary that early into a potential relationship.