Just a little back story, my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and we have a nearly two year old. My boyfriend has always loved the gym and has always stayed in a constant routine of going every other day for 5 hours or sometimes longer. Before we had our little girl he’d choose it over everything if I was unwell and needed him, nope he’s not coming home. If I was having a down day and needed his comfort, nope no way.
When I fell pregnant he still continued this despite me being really unwell during my pregnancy and then after I had our baby he took a week off and then returned back to the gym even though I told him I was really struggling mentally he just point blank refused to cut into his gym time for me or our baby. During our babies first months and year I kind of did it all myself as he works full time too and then after work would go to the gym every other day so he wouldn’t be home until 9-10pm.
Now our baby is nearly two and this has still continued once again even if I’m unwell I’m expected to still parent alone while he’s at the gym socialising with all his buddies. I feel bad because I know how much he enjoys it and it’s literally his life but surely there comes a point where it’s just refusing to meet me halfway and wanting a life away from us? He says he only goes every other day so it’s not a big deal but to me those hours add up especially as he doesn’t go for a hour or two it’s 5 whole hours after work. Am I just being too needy and should just get on with it? Any opinions or advice would be helpful thank you!
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Just a little back story, my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and we have a nearly two year old. My boyfriend has always loved the gym and has always stayed in a constant routine of going every other day for 5 hours or sometimes longer. Before we had our little girl he’d choose it over everything if I was unwell and needed him, nope he’s not coming home. If I was having a down day and needed his comfort, nope no way. When I fell pregnant he still continued this despite me being really unwell during my pregnancy and then after I had our baby he took a week off and then returned back to the gym even though I told him I was really struggling mentally he just point blank refused to cut into his gym time for me or our baby. During our babies first months and year I kind of did it all myself as he works full time too and then after work would go to the gym every other day so he wouldn’t be home until 9-10pm. Now our baby is nearly two and this has still continued once again even if I’m unwell I’m expected to still parent alone while he’s at the gym socialising with all his buddies. I feel bad because I know how much he enjoys it and it’s literally his life but surely there comes a point where it’s just refusing to meet me halfway and wanting a life away from us? He says he only goes every other day so it’s not a big deal but to me those hours add up especially as he doesn’t go for a hour or two it’s 5 whole hours after work. Am I just being too needy and should just get on with it? Any opinions or advice would be helpful thank you!
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> Because I asked him to cut down his hours at the gym despite him enjoying it and it being his life.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Unless he works at the gym, yes girl, he’s at the gym way too much. NTA.
Who the fuck goes to the gym for 5 hours straight? Sorry, love, your boyfriend is not at the gym all that time. I think it’s about time to find a babysitter and make some unscheduled stops by the gym. See what work out he’s really up to. NTA.
What exactly is he doing for 5 hours? I workout a lot and 5 hours in a single session is crazy.
I am an active gym goer. I’m 45 and have been in the gym for 30 years. I’m also very strong and have an active community of friends in the gym.
When we had our first child, my gym slot got moved earlier.
With 3 kids, I wake up at 4:15am and am in the gym from 4:50-6am and get home to help them get ready for the day.
It’s what you do when you’re a parent.
In a side note, no one needs 5 hours in the gym. If you can’t get it done in an hour and a half, including socializing…. You’re not doing it right.
People have been telling you to leave him for over a year judging by your post history. Either this is made up or you actually enjoy the suffering
That’s 17.5 hours a week, with a wife and young child… NTA, this man needs to cut that time in half at the very least, AND take over for you to do your thing, you also deserve time for yourself. He also needs to step up when you’re unwell and just be there for you.
Demand changes ASAP.
Start going to the gym
NTA Oh hell no. When you have kids they come first. He should be helping more. I guarantee he’s not giving you 5 hours off every other day to get a break from the lo in exchange for going to the gym 5 hours.
Girl, bffr rn. Unless he works there part time or is a fucking Olympian, there is no reason a regular man should be at the gym for that long. Also, you knew how he was and you still decided to get pregnant and keep the baby… You’re not the asshole, but he’s clearly not gonna change. Either be happy with the way he is or leave him.
NTA, firstly 5 hours for a single gym session is absurd to the point where it’s almost fishy. Honestly I’d consider breaking up and putting him on child support! This way you’ll be able to afford to put the child in daycare, and have a life yourself
5 hours?!?!?! NTA!
> surely there comes a point where it’s just refusing to meet me halfway and wanting a life away from us?
Surely there comes a point where you realize he ain’t changing. May today be that day. YTA.
ESH
INFO> When I fell pregnant
Was this pregnancy intentional? Did you and your boyfriend enthusiastically plan for this outcome?
You’re telling me you dated a gym rat and are now mad he stayed a gym rat? Sorry but you knew what you were going into (you learned all this during the dating stage and had every chance to leave before things got serious). Shouldn’t go into relationships thinking you’re gonna change the person or they will change their habits. ESH. Him for prioritizing non-essential over his daughter, you for bringing a daughter into this.
NTA. 5 hours is absurd. Both my husband and I wake up before 5 to work out before the kids get up so we aren’t leaving the other alone with the kids after work. He should wake up early and go or go during his lunch hour honestly.
He’s not dating you, he’s dating the gym.
NTA! FIVE HOURS?!?! That’s actually insane OP especially when you’re having to parent your child alone… I work out regularly and I am a powerlifter and the most time I will ever be in the gym is 2-2.5 hours, but most of my workouts are 1 hour long. What could he possibly be doing for 5 hours???? He is definitely the asshole in this situation. I’d make sure he is really at the gym. You need help at home and he seems to not care at all. He could definitely be shortening those workouts and taking days off from the gym.
NTA. You saw how he treated you when you were sick and still decided to have a baby with this turd? Dude, he will never pick you or your child over the gym. Ever. You arent being needy, he’s being selfish. Lay down the law with him–he needs to stop going so much and he needs to pick up the slack as a partner and a father. You’ve sacrificed your life to raise this child meanwhile he’s still acting like he did before you had a kid. He needs to grow the fuck up and you need to plan an escape route.
I work in a gym and this routine is insane. Is your boyfriend competing at a competitive level in bodybuilding, powerlifting or strongman?
Even if he was I’d say there was a way to find a better balance between gym and home life. 5hrs every other day does not seem optimal for any training goal I can think of.
Does the gym have a sauna, pool and eating facilities? This is the only way I could see five hours being spent if it was get changed, work out, shower, sauna, shower, pool, shower, eat lunch but even then not every day! For a regular gym – two hours tops! Are you sure he’s actually at the gym for the whole five hours?
look at your post history. read them all again.
at this point, do you like being treated like shit? this man doesn’t respect or like you, people have been telling you to leave him for over a year and yet you’re still here complaining. either leave, or accept this is how it is.
YTA to yourself
I’m so sorry. He has told you for years you aren’t important to him. It isn’t going to change. This is the next 16 years of your life.
NTA
His body is addicted to the high level of exercise.
Based on this post and OP’s responses in the comments, OP is clearly not gonna leave this man and is just fishing for validation. So here you go, NTA.
For everyone else, please don’t get with a guy that prioritize other stuff over you thinking that he would ever change with marriage or kids. He won’t. And definitely don’t bring a child into this even if you are into suffering in relationships like this. Children cannot consent and they don’t deserve this. As for the OP, nothing will change in her life so pointless to Rey to convince her either way. I do feel sad for her child tho.
You knew he picked the gym over before you had a child. Yet you had a child expecting him to change.
He’s clearly told you that the gym comes first before you, your child. If you need him – the gym commitment comes first.
You either put up with this or leave. He’s not going to change.
ESH.
Why did you have a child with a man who was always more interested in the gym than in you or your child? Of course, you can ask him, but you already know the answer.
5 hours is ridiculous. A hard leg day takes me 2 hours max. Wtf is he doing? Dump him. You’re raising your child alone anyways.
The phrase “fell pregnant” gives me the ick so hard.🤮
You went into this with your eyes wide open. I would be sympathetic if he suddenly got into gym life after you had a child but you knew this was the case, chose to stay with him and then chose to have a baby with this person who puts the gym before literally everything else and has done since you’ve known him.
Think I need to go with ESH
NTA – Your boyfriend needs to learn to reorganize his work out routine to move around you and child. You are the priority and he’s not putting his family first. RED FLAG
NTA. Going to the gym regularly is reasonable. 5 hours is crazy excessive.
He showed you exactly who he was.
You accepted it.
Until it was inconvenient for you and now you want him to change.
He sucks, don’t get me wrong, but at least he’s been consistent and has sucked all along. He’s always prioritized the gym over you, so not sure why you are shocked he now prioritized it over the kid as well.
YTA.
Unless you’re dating Hulk Hogan, he’s probably going to a bar, cheating, or watching movies on his tablet in his car somewhere to get away from mundane life.
NTA, is he bigger than The Rock? Even The Rock only works out 3-4 hours per day most of the time. Chris Hemsworth does 90 minutes.
You can stay shredded on one hour per day. My friend is an “old timey strong-man” who does feats of strength on social media and for live appearances and he does about 90 minutes per day too.
No, you shouldn’t let him have 5 hours per day hobby time while you have none.
You need to read that book “was it even abuse”
You can ask, but YTA. This dude has been upfront and consistent with who he is and what his expectations are. You can’t say he didn’t tell you.
5 hours in one day is way excessive. 2 hours every day would be more in keeping with high fitness goals. Bro’s cheating.
NTA completely unacceptable unless he is giving you 5 hours free time every other day.
NTA but also INFO: Does he do anything at home when he is there? Because it sounds to me like you’re basically a single mom.
On a certain level I might argue e-s-h for having a baby with a guy you knew would prioritize the gym over you. I don’t know if he fooled you or you fooled yourself into believing he’d be different with the baby, but agonizing over that doesn’t change the situation now.
But if he isn’t doing most of the work around the house when he bothers being at home, if he thinks just bringing the paycheck home is enough? Then what is the point of you two being in a relationship? Where is the partnership? Frankly, if I were you, I’d be prepping for the possibility of leaving. You might find that being a single mom on alimony is less exhausting than being a single mom and trying to fight tooth and nail for any scrap of help or care.
Even if he is truly fully attentive to you AND baby for the ENTIRE rest of the time that he’s home but isn’t sleeping, you still aren’t TA for telling him that you are struggling, and he is STILL TA for refusing to budge even slightly.
NTA, but you have enabled this behavior. You’re telling me he never came back even once when you needed him, before pregnancy and during? That should have been red flag enough, and a conversation should have been had prior. If there was one, it clearly did not make impact. He has solidified this time as standard, a-okay in his brain now even post-birth. Good luck!
there’s no way you decided to have a baby with a man that prioritizes the gym over you 💀
For a second, I was going with the other option, but I changed my mind. I feel like we don’t hold people accountable enough for their decisions – in your case to have a kid with someone whose gym obsession you were too familiar with. YTA
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Post a picture of him, I wanna see how big he is
Girl what. You’re not the asshole, but why are you staying? I really don’t subscribe to the idea that your suffering is all your fault because we as a society do tend to let men off the hook while telling the woman “you knew who he was before this,” but at this point your guilt over this is bananas. Leave him. Point blank period. I get that women are socialized to have this weird “am I too needy?” feeling, but eff that. Y’all have a kid — OF COURSE YOU NEED HELP. Does he sit around worrying about whether or not he’s taking you away from something YOU enjoy? No? Then eff him!
NTA. I go to the gym for 1.5-2 hours a day. 5 is excessive and not necessary. What the hell is he doing for 5 hours? Lifting, taking a nap, then doing cardio? He is a husband and a father, he needs to start acting like it.
5 hours?!? are you sure he’s going to the gym? That’s insane.
NTA except that you had a baby with this guy who doesn’t care about you and showed it more than enough.
NTA, girl no ur never the a-hole! who the hell spends 5 hours at the gym for goodness sake, his priorities are all over the shop. that’s already ridiculous before you had your child, but you both had enough time on your hands / to yourselves. but post-baby??? it’s almost negligent, and super unfair on both you and your child to be mia at the gym for hours at a time when you undoubtedly have parenting to do (that work should be shared). so no, you’re NTA but it’s disappointing that he continues to be selfish in his hobbies while avoiding his home responsibilities. that’s definitely not on you or your fault.
NTA. This is insane behaviour. Yet you did choose to have a baby with him clearly without ever discussing his gym schedule…so sort of seems like you knew what you were getting into. He sounds like a fucking garbage father though. 5 hours at the gym?? What in the fuck. He’s doing something else.
FIVE hours? What’s he doing for FIVE hours??! That isn’t a gym trip, that’s a full workout, pickup basketball session, steam room sit, whirlpool lounge, and shower.
You are essentially a single parent if he has an 8-5 and then goes to the gym till 9 or 10pm. His life changed the moment you became pregnant, and he has continued life as if he were still not a father and partner. He didn’t support you during the pregnancy, and he’s not supporting you and your child now. As others have pointed out, nobody who goes to the gym for 5 hours is being productive, even extremely fit athletes that I know in strength sports spend a max of 2 hours at the gym if they’re truly working out. He’s either spending his entire time socializing and being unproductive, or he’s lying to you about where he is and what he’s doing. Frankly YTA to your child most importantly and to yourself. Look at your post history for Christ’s sake. Either give him an ultimatum that he needs to grow up and prioritize you and your child, or leave him.
Why did u have a baby with this guy? I mean he is an asshole but he has always gone to the gym for 5 hours. Did you bring up him cutting his gym time before you got pregnant? Cause that would’ve been my first concern before deciding to get pregnant.
Also what does he look like, is he a body builder or is he average? Have you actually gone with him to the gym? I go to the gym everyday but at most I’ll be there for 2 hours, adding 3 hours to that would be insane and actually counterproductive to muscle growth. Honestly I think he’s just dicking around in the gym and socializing half the time.
How sure are you that he’s actually at the gym working out that long every other day, and not “working out” with some hot babe in her apartment?
Unless he looks ripped like a bodybuilder, or NFL linebacker, I’d be suspicious.
Do you know for a fact, like do you have undeniable proof that he is spending all of that time at the gym? Because that is the key here. But regardless NTA he’s a schlub and a bad partner and father.
Why did you have a baby with this man? Won’t leave the gym if you’re sick?
Ahhh wtf is a 5 hour gym session? After our second was born, I moved my gym session to suit the baby’s schedule- I do the morning feed at 5am, then I’m in the gym and home by 7am to start our older child’s morning routine. You’re nta and your bf definitely sounds suspicious 🤨 .
NTA when do you get alone time? What does he add to your life when he never sees you or your daughter, he’s home for dinner every other day but otherwise he’s essentially only home to sleep. How exactly is he your boyfriend? when was the last time you went on a date? When was the last time he provided emotional comfort?
How is he a father? Does he know your daughter’s favourite colour or favourite cartoon character? Does he know how she spends her day? Does she take any comfort in his presence or is he just a stranger?
Break up with him and go for 50-50 custody. At least you’ll have time to yourself and he’ll find out he actually has to parent his child. If he doesn’t get 50-50 then you’ll get more child support to support your daughter and he can finally have a light shine on what a crappy dad he is.
NTA but also why did you have a kid with this asshat??
ESH – He should be prioritizing his wife and child, but isn’t. That makes him an AH for sure.
but, Dude is doing exactly what he’s always done and now, after two years and a child, you take exception. You knew who he was, ignored it, and brought a child into the relationship. I feel sorry for this child.
Nta
Talk to him about it, then if he doesn’t change talk to his mom about his parenting.
Nothing like mom calling to shame you in to taking responsibility.
You chose to continue being with this man even though he has constantly disregarded your needs? No offense but ESH
time to build a home gym.
NTA but if you didn’t put a stop to it when the baby was fresh it’s never ending
5 hours is very excessive. There is no advantage going at it for that long ubless your goal is to intentionally strain yourself. NTA.
YTA and I didn’t get past the first paragraph. Why in the hell would you have a child with a man who prioritized the gym over your health when sick or in need. NTA for wanting him to be responsible and be a partner but YTA for staying with him and having a kid. And worse you’re trying to validate it bc you know he loves the gym. No he needs therapy and he doesn’t care about you or the kid at all. You need to leave before it starts to have lasting negative effects on that child
That’s too much gym time. 5 hours every other day? If he isn’t an athlete or competitor or disgustingly grossly ripped then I would suspect something else is going on.
But regardless of that, he’s neglecting you and this child either way. Not helping you with the young child is a big red flag. He likely expects you to do all the child work anyway, which is separate from the gym.
So is the problem is your boyfriend and what he prioritizes and not the gym itself. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him about his priorities as a man.
5 hours is BS.
Either he’s lying about the time or he’s not focused on his workouts.
Is he actually bodybuilding or powerlifting? Cuz if he is, he ain’t doing it right.
ESH. You stayed with this man, and even brought a poor child into this world with this type of father despite YEARS of red flags waving in your face… why? Either stop whining and live with the consequences of your dumb decisions (which I don’t advise), or leave this loser and find a man who actually prioritizes his family like a man should.
YTA
I say this because you married him, knowing how he is with the gym. Yet, you went the “I can fix him/make him change” route. Now he didn’t change and you’re coming here with the surprise pikachu face. By your own write up this habit of his has been his habit since the beginning. This isn’t new behavior. You knew.
Now, does this make him less of an asshole? Absolutely not. He should be home, helping, being a dad, a good husband. He’s wrong here too.
But, I have to call you an asshole to yourself for marrying someone that had an extreme habit like this and thinking they’d magically change for you, then having a baby and are surprised they still haven’t changed.