Edit: I would like to clarify a few things. This isn’t about the photos. I only included that part of the conversation because it was part of the conversation. Also I don’t post pics on social media. Any photos are for myself and my memories. Second, I didn’t ask him to dress up. I didn’t ask him to wear jeans. I just asked him to not wear sweats. He has at least three other pairs of pants that fit that description, which he wears all the time. The reason that this was so important to me was because I made a great deal of effort to look good for him and when he didn’t reciprocate that, it made me feel unimportant(which I knew I was feeling but could not put into words until another commenter pointed it out). Like I was not worth the effort. I’m not asking your opinion on if I was an asshole for talking about the photos (which HE brought up in the first place). I’m asking if I was the asshole for asking him to not wear sweats on our first date in 2 months.
I (f27) am visiting my long distance bf (m27). I haven’t seen him in over a month because of the distance. We had plans to go see a movie tonight and I was really excited. I got a little dressed up and put effort into looking nice for our first date since I’ve been back. I told I’d like him to put in a little effort as well and not wear joggers. I didn’t say he had to wear jeans, I just didn’t want him to wear sweats. He mostly wears comfy clothes and doesn’t care about fashion.
This normally doesn’t bother me much but I just wanted him to dress a little nicer than sweats. He blew up at me said he wants to be comfortable and we were just going to the movies. I asked him if there were any other pants that were comfy that aren’t sweats and he pulled a pair out of his dresser but was still upset about it. I said I didn’t want to go anymore because of the way he was talking to me (raised voice). Which honestly, I didn’t even mean. I did still want to go. I was just upset. He said I shouldn’t have told him last minute not to wear joggers.
He said something about a photo shoot and I brought up how looking back at our photos from my last visit, they didn’t look that good because I was always putting effort into looking nice and he looked like he rolled out of bed. Honestly I know I shouldn’t have said that but I did. I don’t normally tell him how to dress or even give him a preference unless he asks me but in the moment, I was thinking that if he’d put more effort into his outfits, then our photos would have looked better. And I did want to take photos of us for the night. I didn’t really word any of that correctly in the moment because I was feeling frustrated and he ended up taking it to mean that I said he looked like shit the whole time I was visiting last, which I didn’t say. I didn’t even imply that. There was just a very clear difference in how we were dressing and the photos didn’t look great.
But this isn’t even just about photos. It’s mostly that I put a lot of effort into looking nice for our date (I even shaved, which I barely do) and I just wanted a little more effort from him tonight. Anyways we ended up just getting into a big fight and not watching the movie. I know I messed up talking about the photos, so that aside, am I the asshole for asking him to not wear sweats or is he the asshole for blowing up over it and it literally ruining our whole night?
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I (f27) am visiting my long distance bf (m27). I haven’t seen him in over a month because of the distance. We had plans to go see a movie tonight and I was really excited. I got a little dressed up and put effort into looking nice for our first date since I’ve been back. I told I’d like him to put in a little effort as well and not wear joggers. I didn’t say he had to wear jeans, I just didn’t want him to wear sweats. He mostly wears comfy clothes and doesn’t care about fashion. This normally doesn’t bother me much but I just wanted him to dress a little nicer than sweats. He blew up at me said he wants to be comfortable and we were just going to the movies. I asked him if there were any other pants that were comfy that aren’t sweats and he pulled a pair out of his dresser but was still upset about it. I said I didn’t want to go anymore because of the way he was talking to me (raised voice). Which honestly, I didn’t even mean. I did still want to go. I was just upset. He said I shouldn’t have told him last minute not to wear joggers. He said something about a photo shoot and I brought up how looking back at our photos from my last visit, they didn’t look that good because I was always putting effort into looking nice and he looked like he rolled out of bed. Honestly I know I shouldn’t have said that but I did. I don’t normally tell him how to dress or even give him a preference unless he asks me but in the moment, I was thinking that if he’d put more effort into his outfits, then our photos would have looked better. And I did want to take photos of us for the night. I didn’t really word any of that correctly in the moment because I was feeling frustrated and he ended up taking it to mean that I said he looked like shit the whole time I was visiting last, which I didn’t say. I didn’t even imply that. There was just a very clear difference in how we were dressing and the photos didn’t look great. But this isn’t even just about photos. It’s mostly that I put a lot of effort into looking nice for our date (I even shaved, which I barely do) and I just wanted a little more effort from him tonight. Anyways we ended up just getting into a big fight and not watching the movie. I know I messed up talking about the photos, so that aside, am I the asshole for asking him to not wear sweats or is he the asshole for blowing up over it and it literally ruining our whole night?
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> I believe I may be the asshole because I asked my boyfriend to wear something other than sweats to the movies on our date even though I know he likes to just wear comfortable clothes and I told him I want him to put a little effort in for me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m sorry your boyfriend isn’t old enough to wear hard pants. NTA.
NTA. You’re not compatible. Move on.
Yeah, you’re right that you messed up by talking about the photos. That gives your complaint a whole shallow vibe when that’s not actually the issue. The issue is that by not ever putting effort into his appearance, he is unconsciously telling you that you are not important.
I had a boyfriend several years ago who almost only ever wore basketball shorts, no matter where we went. And they sometimes even had paint on them because of his hobby. I felt the same as you. You feel like, “come on babe, I put all this effort into looking nice for you to show you that I care, and you can’t even put on a normal pair of pants?” Just FYI, I asked the same question here, and I was told I was an AH because, “if I really loved him, I wouldn’t care how he looked,” so prepare yourself. I think what answers you get depends on when you post lol.
You are NTA. He is subtly (and probably unconsciously) showing you that he doesn’t care to put effort into your relationship.
He didn’t ruin your night. You acknowledge it’s a cocreated situation. Either you’re taking accountability for your part in it or you’re not.
ESH. You could have approached it gently instead of poking then matching his energy when he didn’t like being poked.
He shouldn’t have blown up at you. However, it is just a movie date. Yeah, you haven’t seen each other in a long time, but you know how he likes to dress and if you did spring it on him the evening of the date, the this is a ESH for me.
INFO: How did he dress on dates when the two of you first started going out? Did he stop caring or putting effort in as time went on, or did he just always dress this way?
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but potentially you are not compatible. If he doesn’t put effort into choosing his outfits as a grown man of almost 30, you’re not going to change things now.
YTA.
You aren’t going to a fashion show, you are going to the movies. People don’t need to look good while sitting in the dark.
I think looking a certain way in photos is important to you. If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t have brought it up. Back peddling about it won’t fix the issue. Not everyone is superficial.
Anyway, let him wear stuff that allows him to feel like himself. He is an adult, he shouldn’t have to match “your look” in certain situations, like going to the movies.
NTA and don’t listen to any toxic people who will say you are for being “shallow” because you mentioned taking pics. It’s an AH move to wear sweats to a date you know your partner is dressing up for, and him flying off the handle is only further AH behaviour. You just might be incompatible and/or he simply doesn’t care that much about you if he can’t be arsed to put in any effort to look nice for you OR even communicate about why that’s not happening. Try to have a mature, respect convo about this, but if he can’t contribute meaningfully to that you should be prepared to walk away.
ESH, just let your man dress how he wants and you dress how you want. You aren’t his mother. Just enjoy the time together instead of worrying about stuff like what he’s wearing.
If the roles were reversed and a guy told his woman to “put a little more effort” into it, the internet would have his ass.
Just saying.
You shouldn’t say “well now I don’t even want to go” if it wasn’t true. You both need to learn to communicate, but it won’t happen with each other.
Is he in organized crime?
spaces and tabs
Realize it or not he is not boyfriend material for you on several levels. Zero communication skill. Zero compassion. Long distance. Life style mismatch. Everyone gets to do what they think makes them happy. If your relationship isn’t firing near 100% now, it is never going to be wedded bliss. If I had my way, all of us would be happy all of the time. Unrealistic, but feelings are what they are. Logical feelings don’t exist.
YTA. “the photos of our dates didn’t look good”….like relationships aren’t photo ops.
YTA You care more about how a photo turns out than your boyfriend’s comfort. Why does he need to dress up to sit in the dark and watch a movie?
When I go out I notice women put more effort in their appearance than men do. You shouldn’t have to tell a grown man to make an effort so he didn’t look like a slob without raising his voice.
NTA when I ask my boyfriend not to wear sweats, he almost always changes to something cuter. When he really wants to be in sweats, I change to something comfier
How important is this to you?
Possibly he has offered you a solution. He wants advanced notice if you want him to look spiffy. There’s room here for conversation, compromise, and apologies all around.
YTA you were going to the movies not a gala, do you expect him to wear a suit?? Why do your pictures have to be perfect? To me worrying about pictures instead of your quality time together sounds superficial and caused an argument that could have been avoided
I’m not reading that wall of text. Try formatting
YTA.
you say that it’s not about the photos and that you just want it a little bit more of it, but your words and your actions told a whole different story. Especially when your whip sat the comment that you made about it looking bad because he dressed like a raccoon. You were obviously annoyed and looking for validation, but instead of being mature about it, you try to disguise criticism as a backhanded compliment. And it didn’t land well. you told him last minute not to wear sweats. It wasn’t even a formal quest, not a planned dress update, just a vague don’t wear sweats right before leaving. For a movie where most people are obviously going to be in comfortable clothes like sweatpants and hoodies by default… hey, just wanted to be comfortable in a dark room for two hours. It’s not being lazy, it’s actually quite normal you said you didn’t even really mean it when you told him that you didn’t want to go to the cinemas anymore, which let’s be honest, kind of seems manipulative. It’s one of those I want you to fix this, but I’m not going to say it directly to your face. And it really did backfire hard. And plus he did try to compromise. He found other parents, but instead of you being OK with it and recognising that he tried to make effort, he made things worse by implying that he looked bad in your Instagram pictures like, seriously, what is wrong with you to say something like that? and yeah, I really don’t blame him if he got annoyed or mad. You basically told him that he was embarrassing you in pictures. After asking him to change for your last minute. He probably felt like you didn’t appreciate him and that you found him ugly or something. Like, I really don’t blame him for being upset. And I’m really glad that you don’t usually tell him how to dress, because how he dresses is really not your business. He’s just dressing casual, there’s nothing wrong with hoodies or sweatpants the real issue is when he doesn’t shower or use deodorant and stuff like that. Otherwise you need to start minding your own business and stop caring about Instagram pictures you’re in a long distance relationship. You should be trying to enjoy the time you have together and enjoying each other’s company. Not worrying about how smart he dresses just for your pictures on your social media. I think it’s time for you to grow up a little bit, to be honest, but yeah, no ones. Entirely innocent, I guess. But this wasn’t about sweatpants. This is about you and your expectations you clearly want him to try and match your efforts but like it was just poorly time delivery. And instead of being up front about it from the start, you kind of sabotaged your own night, it could have been an amazing date night, but all you really cared about was aesthetics and Instagram pictures and it put him off and made him mad. And honestly, I don’t really blame him. next time, be clear before dates and actually tell him that you want him to dress up smart in future, you ruined this entire date and you need to see that.
communication and shared goals. I get that you are disappointed, but if any of my fam showed up at the airport in a llama suit, I’d hug them and set up the spare room
YTA just for mentioning photos. If you want him to go on a photoshoot, let him know. It was for a movie date.
YTA and I think you know this. You don’t need to read beyond “Which I didn’t even mean. I did still want to go.” Grow up.
YTA
It doesn’t sound like you’re meant for each other. Both of you sound immature.
Guess you’re only interested in appearances. YTA.
YTA. You should both dress how you want.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to ask.
I think everyone’s the asshole somewhat here. YTA for not prioritizing your partner’s comfort and he’s also an asshole for not attempting to understand what you value.
In many of my relationships, my partner looked at what I was wearing and said they felt under dressed. I would always say, “well do you feel comfortable and confident?” If they said yes, then I didn’t push it. Some men never said that to me, and when I brought up dressing feedback, it went poorly. Unsolicited advice doesn’t always go well.
BL: You guys have different priorities when it comes to clothes. You have to decide if that makes you guys incompatible.
YTA, sweats are movie date appropriate and sending a “hey let’s get cute for our date tonight and take some pictures” text takes a second and could have solved all of this.
People don’t read minds, if you want something ask for it and don’t wait until the last minute because that’s annoying.
If my BF wears stretchy pants out, so do I!
If I dress up more to go out, then he matches me.
I’d be pissed if he told me to put in more effort though.
Imagine if it was reversed roles and your boyfriend was telling you what you can and can’t wear when going to the movies. Big yikes YTA.
Why it is i do not know, but some men take pride in their sweats, joggers, hole-y underwear and saggy t-shirts. Love it or leave it. I wonder what would happen if you showed up in similar attire.
NTA. It’s a date. You dress a little “up” for a date. It’s basic etiquette.
My husband and I just had our first “date night” since kiddo #2 was born.
I wore a dress. He wore jeans and a dress shirt. Know what our big, “fancy” date night plan was? Go to the Verizon store to get our phones swapped. Then beers and tacos at a food truck.
It doesn’t matter WHAT you’re doing on the date. Sweatpants on a date is trashy.
NTA. I’m a person who enjoys looking nice no matter where I go and wouldn’t be comfortable going out with someone who can’t match my effort. Don’t let these people get in your head, you weren’t wrong. I think he could and should have tried to look nice for you and gave the same consideration you did considering you two don’t see each other that often.
NTA. You dress up to go out on a date. I love dressing comfy as much as anyone, but he’s 27, come on. If it’s just a movie he doesn’t need to do much, but a half decent shirt and some jeans at least.
NTA! Hey, I have a fringe hairdo also…and no, it’s not okay! If your man cannot seriously take the mall teasers out of the mall/movie theatre, then he does not deserve popcorn…I repeat, he does not deserve that 10 dollar popcorn.
Maybe, at best, he can get the small popcorn. The small popcorn, generally is about twice as little as the large coca cola (density-wise. We’re talking physics here – Capisce?)
So no, in a nutshell, Blockbluster is NTA for going out of business when we needed them most, and neither is the neoliberal economics of the west at fault…no, the real assholes are the guys (and yes IT WAS MOSTLY MEN, SORRY GUISE) who didn’t bring the videos back to the collection flap at the blockbuster entrance when they were supposed to, because they were still high af from the night before watching Rugrats and the shitty early episodes of South Park.
Yall ain’t in high-school anymore so who gives af how 2 adults nearing 30 attend the movies. I understand you got excited and fancy and want him to match the vibe for possible photos and to look aesthetically impressive to boost your own self esteem and make strangers go ” aww they’re a cute couple” but you could’ve picked a more appropriate event for that. Not an AH but op def a lil goofy imo.
Its was a struggle to read on after: I (f27) am visiting my long distance bf (m27). Seriously, 8 out of 10 relationship stories start like this, I don’t know why you all bother with long distance
But NTA. Asking someone to put in minimal effort for a significant date is not unreasonable.
And after all that you just stayed home? Where he could wear his comfy clothes? Lol did you watch a movie?
YTA
NTA. You may not have communicated perfectly but he responded in a very immature way. He seems like a giant pain in the ass tbh. He can’t make an effort for a nice date after you haven’t seen each other in that long? are you planning to marry this man?
The bar is in hell. You think you messed up for asking your boyfriend to not wear sweatpants on a date. Seriously? And he’s giving you this much shit for it?
Wow! When they talk about low effort bare minimum men, they’re talking about your boyfriend.
NTA Get a better boyfriend.
Coming from someone who wears sweatpants 99% of the time, NTA. It really shouldn’t be a big deal to put on a pair of jeans for your gf.
When my ex would ask I’d say something like “fiiine but I get to be the little spoon tonight” or something else silly.
NTA. Sweats are sports or at home clothes. I think otherwise in public something a bit nicer is more appropriate attire.
This should be a N A H preferences situation but it’s more ESH because of both fragile reactions. Ultimately, dress isn’t as important to him as it is you, for you it symbolises effort and attention but to him it’s probably nothing. Unless he expects and demands that you put effort into your outfits you shouldn’t really use your own preferences against him if they’re your personal choices. Try not to perceive his actions based on the logic you use for your own when you have different priorities for these things, IE thinking it’s him not caring about you, that’s just a way you personally express caring, not him.
He got offended because he felt attacked, he’ll get over it, next time give him a heads up that sometimes you’d like it a bit more aesthetic as these things are smoother not sprung on.
nta i don’t know what these other people are on about maybe your wording wasn’t the right choices but neither were his and you were at the heat of the moment so you deserve some grace (and yes i’m replying with no punctuation bc fk these losers for nitpicking that) given that you guys are long distance and don’t often see each other i feel like that should give him even more reason to want to put an effort into seeing you but that’s just my personal opinion if i were in your shoes i would always try to look my best for my long distance partner especially since we don’t see each other / have in-person dates often. so no you’re not wrong for wanting some sort of effort on his part (it’s the bare minimum tbh)
YTA. relationships are not photo opportunities. If the genders we reversed and a man was telling a woman how to dress everyone would lose their shit. If you are dating long distance, you could have easily expressed an expectation of a more formal date in advance. And to pull the crap where you say you don’t want to go out even though you do is peak middle school B.S. Communicate clearly like an adult and say what you mean.
YTA. But it’s not entirely for the pants issue alone, you honestly just seem extremely vapid and shallow.
Do you two even like each other?? JFC, just break up already.
NTA but I’d suggest making your request earlier. Like… ooo I’m excited about our first date since I’m back – let’s both dress up a bit! Give him some time to mentally prepare and give him the roadmap to making you happy.
Are you sure you’re 27? Sounds like your 17