I, [F21] have been living with my Partner, [M23] for the past six months, everything has been going fine up until recently.
Normally, I’m the one who makes dinner and he does the tidying up, as well as doing laundry, vacuuming the apartment and Dusting. He does help when he can but he needs prompting or would do a wipe and leave it streaked and stained and I’ll have to go over it again.
Recently however, I’ve asked him to to help some more as I’ve recently started medical school as well as having to work part time to afford my rent so I don’t have much time to even blink, let alone clean and cook. He said yes and I thought that was that. However, the only time he did it I came home and he told me he made himself lunch, polished his Lego collection and then sat down because he was tired. I absolutely lost it at him.
For context, there was dishes everywhere, dirt on the floor, there was sauce stains on the hob, floor and door of our refrigerator. As well as yesterday’s laundry which was dry and folded left in a bundle. But hey at least his Lego Star Wars was no longer dusty.
I absolutely broke down into tears and explained to him how I’m working as well as in college to try and better myself as well as afford a roof over our heads, he got angry and said that he was tired and he did two days of work this week and deserves his rest. (He works in EMS, he’s been on vacation for the last three weeks and only works 2/3 days a week). After a lot of back and forward I sat in the bedroom and just went numb from the emotion but now he won’t speak to me until I apologise.
AITA?
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I, [F21] have been living with my Partner, [M23] for the past six months, everything has been going fine up until recently.
Normally, I’m the one who makes dinner and he does the tidying up, as well as doing laundry, vacuuming the apartment and Dusting. He does help when he can but he needs prompting or would do a wipe and leave it streaked and stained and I’ll have to go over it again.
Recently however, I’ve asked him to to help some more as I’ve recently started medical school as well as having to work part time to afford my rent so I don’t have much time to even blink, let alone clean and cook. He said yes and I thought that was that. However, the only time he did it I came home and he told me he made himself lunch, polished his Lego collection and then sat down because he was tired. I absolutely lost it at him.
For context, there was dishes everywhere, dirt on the floor, there was sauce stains on the hob, floor and door of our refrigerator. As well as yesterday’s laundry which was dry and folded left in a bundle. But hey at least his Lego Star Wars was no longer dusty.
I absolutely broke down into tears and explained to him how I’m working as well as in college to try and better myself as well as afford a roof over our heads, he got angry and said that he was tired and he did two days of work this week and deserves his rest. (He works in EMS, he’s been on vacation for the last three weeks and only works 2/3 days a week). After a lot of back and forward I sat in the bedroom and just went numb from the emotion but now he won’t speak to me until I apologise.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend to clean more around the house on his days off, this makes me an asshole because I should’ve respected his time off
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Welcome to your future 🙁
Of course everything has been going fine until recently — you’ve been taking care of the majority of the household work.
There is a need for an ongoing series of conversations about sharing the load, what’s fair and reasonable, and you’ll also need some willingness from him to take on his fair share.
It may be the case that he hasn’t realised what you’ve been taking care of, or that he grew up in a household where one person managed the house, or…a hundred other reasons or situations.
But if he holds some gendered or out of date views about who should do what and how much, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship.
Please don’t apologise to him — you would simply being reinforcing whatever skewed expectations he holds. Start a meaningful conversation (if he’s willing).
NTA
You never truly find out what a person is like until you start living with them and the honeymoon period is over.
Well, the honeymoon period is over, and you’ve discovered you’re living with a leech. He isn’t pulling his weight and he isn’t going to.
This is what the rest of your life is going to be like if you put up with this.
Don’t you dare apologize to him.
NTA.
NTA
He may be a lovely boyfriend, but he’s a lousy roommate. (Edited to add: I don’t think he’s a lovely boyfriend. He’s dumped all this on you.)
If he kept his home reasonably clean before you two began living together, his messiness is clearly opportunist, and not a skill issue. But even if he didn’t know how to clean, he’s choosing not to learn.
This is what he’s like. If you want to keep seeing him, do so from separate homes.
NTA, thats a big yikes
That’s what you get when you date boys
He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a mommy.
NTA.
As others have pointed out, this is what the rest of your life will look like if you aren’t willing to take this as a sign and move on.
I do think people can grow and change, but the fact that he reacts with defensiveness and anger instead of being able to have a conversation or even being concerned at all about your feelings says to me that for this guy it’s far more likely he’ll stay as he is.
If you continue this relationship then you’re accepting that this is the sort of “partner” you’re okay with having. So consider that very, very seriously.
The saying “you can tell me what to do or how to do it but not both” springs to mind here. If you insist on things being done a certain way then you do it the way you want it. You can’t be doing minimal household tasks and then be getting annoyed at how those task, that you’re apparently too busy to do, are done. Unless, of course, you’re taking the lion’s share of financial burden.
I’m gonna have to go with YTA here. Either do your fair share or leave him to do things the way he does. You can’t have your cake and eat it
NTA. He’s using you. He. Is. Using. You.
Congratulations on medical school. When my bro got accepted you know what his partner did, worked 2 jobs, hired a cleaner, and supported him. Your bf sucks and is using you. You are about to enter a very time consuming and difficult program, you don’t need the added stress of having to take care of him too. He’s a grown adult and shouldn’t need a list or to be told or you to micromanage him. You don’t need to be carrying the mental load as well as the financial and home care burdens too.
Look into room shares with people in your class
Info: Has your Partner ever lived alone in his life? Of course you’re NTA but it is often better when someone knows what living alone means. Maybe you should move out for a while or go on holiday alone leaving him responsible for the full household.
Welcome to your future……. Add a few kids, a bigger place, and you will take care of it all UNLESS you find someone willing to equally love you.
NTA It’s time to either make another living arrangement, or adjust to a life of cleaning up after this person. He may be able to learn and change, but he doesn’t seem interested in doing either of those things for you. He’d rather let you cry.
Please do not apologise to this filth hound.
NTA. And don’t apologize, you have done nothing wrong. However, you should consider the fact that this is most probably going to be the rest of your life with him.
Time to move on. You’re with someone who wants you to be their mother. NTA, he should be the one apologizing.
I lived this life for the past 10yrs, with 2 seperate people.. it never got any better i had the whole house spotless, dinner ready on the table, dishes washed kids bathed and fed, and all because I forgot to take the bin out they felt they had every right to humiliate me and make me fell like I was the problem, but in reality they are the problem.
With a lot of different therapist the one I’m currently seeing she suggested to me, “If a friend/family member comes to you with this exact scenario how would you respond to them? And then with that advice that you would apply to your friend apply it to yourself”.
JUST KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Edited to add NTA
Oh fcuk NO. You’re too (well, anything really) for this sh!t
NTA
That being said, to those who says that it’s what boys do, that’s a tremendous generalization. My wife is the slob and I’m the clean one.
To OP, he can change. I was a slob once but no more. However, changing any behaviour requires effort on his part.
To project myself in the future I used to think in terms of kids (if it’s one of your goals). Meaning that, in your case, if you would have kids with him, do you really think that he could step up? If not, are you sure you would be able to fill for the both of you with the chores? Because they will need to be done and you both will be much more tired than right now. FWIW, I don’t think anyone should have to fill in and you should be able to count on your partner to do his/her part in the house.
NTA. Are you still in the phase where you think that he will change? He won’t. Just consider if this is what you want from life.
NTA, maybe try having your boyfriend make his own food and clean up after himself while you do the same (as if you are just roommates) and see if that opens his eyes to how much BS he is putting you through.
This is how it’s going to be with him and if you think he’s going to change, forget it. Is this the life you want? I don’t think so. I think you better cut your losses and get rid of this dude. He’s not supporting you or helping you or even doing his fair share. You’d be better off without him.
Leave him now rent a room from someone. Life will be so much easier.
Find a more considerate roommate.
INFO: Did you do the cooking, laundry, cleaning and dusting? Or was it your BF who did the laundry, cleaning and dusting while you did the cooking? How many chores do you do now?
NTA You need to ask yourself. Would my life be easier if I was going through all this single. If the answer is yes because he’s adding stress and a higher workload for you. You know what you need to do.
Edited to add judgement
NTA. Get out now while you’re still young. When I was in my 20s I stayed too long with a guy that did nothing. I worked 50+ hours a week, cleaned, and cooked and came home to him playing video games all day. Biggest regret in life is not leaving him sooner and finding a real partner.
If the two of you can’t come to a mutual agreement about cooking and cleaning and the daily maintenance living requires, then maybe you need to go back to living solo, or with a roommate who’ll treat you like a partner instead of their maid, cook, and personal shopper.
Be good to yourself. This kind of behavior NEVER changes (in men or women) until that person runs into someone who will not put up with it. Be that someone.
NTA.
As soon as I read that he polished his LEGO collection I thought “oh, that’s his priority”. It really doesn’t sound like you are his priority.
Also, it’s wild that someone working in EMS would live in an environment that could make them sick.
NTA.
NTA
Do yourself a favour and just end it.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking he’ll change or get better. He won’t
You’re NTA
>now he won’t speak to me until I apologise
It would be a cold day in hell before I apologized for reacting to his slovenly laziness.
>I told my boyfriend to clean more around the house on his days off, this makes me an asshole because I should’ve respected his time off
You’re setting the bar far too low. You deserve better. Adults know that household responsibilities don’t just get a day off. Work still has to get done.