I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for almost 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. Before we moved in, we had separate places and generally split things when we went out (dinners, trips, etc.), which felt fair.
But now that we live together, I’ve started to notice how unbalanced things feel.
We split rent and bills 50/50, which on paper sounds fair. But I make significantly less than him, like, he’s in tech making nearly 3x what I make. I work in education. So 50% of my income is going toward rent, and for him it’s maybe like 15% or something… I’ve had to cut back on a lot (no more gym membership, barely going out), and meanwhile he just bought a PS5 and went on a weekend trip with his friends ?? 😭
I also end up doing more of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry , not because he demands it, but because he just… doesn’t really do it unless I ask. I brought this up recently and he said I’m being unfair and trying to “change the rules” we agreed on when we moved in.
He says it’s not his fault I chose a lower-paying career, and that if we start doing things based on income, then “what’s next, keeping score on everything?”
I’m not saying he needs to pay all the rent or anything. I just think 50/50 isn’t always fair when one person makes so much more. My friends are kind of split, some agree with me, some say I knew what I was getting into and it’s not fair to expect him to pay more now. The only thing I’m asking is for my bf to realise and be considerate of the fact that half of my money is being spent on our rent, and try to find some sort of compromise or smth about this :/
So, AITA for wanting to stop splitting 50/50?
TLDR: My boyfriend and I split rent and bills 50/50, but he makes almost 3x what I do. I’m struggling while he’s super comfortable, and I also do more housework. I asked if we could reconsider the split, and he called me unfair. AITA for wanting to change it?
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I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for almost 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. Before we moved in, we had separate places and generally split things when we went out (dinners, trips, etc.), which felt fair.
But now that we live together, I’ve started to notice how unbalanced things feel.
We split rent and bills 50/50, which on paper sounds fair. But I make significantly less than him, like, he’s in tech making nearly 3x what I make. I work in education. So 50% of my income is going toward rent, and for him it’s maybe like 15% or something… I’ve had to cut back on a lot (no more gym membership, barely going out), and meanwhile he just bought a PS5 and went on a weekend trip with his friends ?? 😭
I also end up doing more of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry , not because he demands it, but because he just… doesn’t really do it unless I ask. I brought this up recently and he said I’m being unfair and trying to “change the rules” we agreed on when we moved in.
He says it’s not his fault I chose a lower-paying career, and that if we start doing things based on income, then “what’s next, keeping score on everything?”
I’m not saying he needs to pay all the rent or anything. I just think 50/50 isn’t always fair when one person makes so much more. My friends are kind of split, some agree with me, some say I knew what I was getting into and it’s not fair to expect him to pay more now. The only thing I’m asking is for my bf to realise and be considerate of the fact that half of my money is being spent on our rent, and try to find some sort of compromise or smth about this :/
So, AITA for wanting to stop splitting 50/50?
TLDR: My boyfriend and I split rent and bills 50/50, but he makes almost 3x what I do. I’m struggling while he’s super comfortable, and I also do more housework. I asked if we could reconsider the split, and he called me unfair. AITA for wanting to change it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my boyfriend to reconsider our 50/50 financial split after moving in together because he makes significantly more than me, around 3 times more to be exact. He got upset and said I was being unfair and trying to change the rules.
I might be the asshole here because I agreed to the split when we moved in, and now I’m going back on it because I’ve realised that half of my money is going to our rent. But since I agreed prior it could seem manipulative or irresponsible of me since I guess I didn’t think It through before. Not only has my boyfriend said that im being unfair, some of my friends have aswell.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
> 50% of my income is going toward rent
Why did you agree to live somewhere you can’t afford in the first place?
INFO: Did you move in with him, or did you find a new place together?
NTA- he will save, gain capitol and you can struggle and do more housework for the pleasure of it, When you eventually leave his down payment will be ready and you can squat in a studio. 50/50
YTA unfortunately, even though it is kind of unfair. You should have taken into account the cost of rent before agreeing to live where you are. Unless he pushed for a more expensive place you don’t really have much of a leg to stand on here.
Edit. Finances aside, take a look at everything else. Is that what you want for your future? You’re only dating, not even engaged. It won’t just get better.
ESH. Your boyfriend is an AH for being insensitive to your needs now. You are an AH for moving into a place with him that you couldn’t afford according to the terms that you agreed to.
Ideally, this should all have been discussed before you moved in. Now, it’s up to you to decide if you want to stay with someone who isn’t willing to be fair to you financially.
NTA It should be proportionate to income not 50/50. Or move somewhere more affordable.
NTA – Fair and equitable distribution of responsibilities & financial obligations needs to take into account the home life aspect of everything.
You’re not the asshole for wanting to sit down and talk about 50/50 not being quite equitable and fair, he’s unfair for just dismissing you out of hand.
Leave now, this is a toxic situation that is going to burn you hard if you stay.
INFO – are you living in a more expensive place than you had before? Why would you agree to pay 50/50 if rent was going to take up 50% of your income?
Every couple navigates this differently. Until you’re married pretty much, your money is still your own and most couples don’t want to blend stuff yet.
YOu need to talk it through and maybe find out what his plan is if you stay together long term…like how will you ever afford to vacation together if you live in a house that doesn’t allow you to save money?
NTA. He sounds extremely inconsiderate
I think you were an AH to yourself for not realizing this situation and sorting it out before moving in together. But his overarching perspective here – suggesting it’s too late to make an adjustment and failing to be sympathetic to the imbalance described – makes him the bigger AH. I could also see it as a N A H situation, but one where his perspective might make you feel he’s a bad partner.
Because on the surface, 50/50 is ‘fair’, and sure, even his argument of “I chose a well-paying career and you didn’t, not my fault” is TRUE. But does it make a good partner? NO. He is willing to enjoy a lifestyle that is inaccessible to you, all in the name of keeping an even split of expenses. He’d rather travel without you than to help cover expenses on the trip so that you can be together, or to see you give up things that you previously were doing in order to ‘keep up’ your half of the bargain. I suspect this will extend to all aspects of your life if you stay together, and this imbalance will accumulate. This, coupled with his inability/unwillingness to do chores, makes the situation EVEN more gross in terms of what he thinks is acceptable in the division in your household, and would REALLY have me questioning the relationship entirely. Call it a hard-won lesson to have learned and separate??
NTA though he is right about the finances. If the place is to expensive, you should have considered it before moving in. That really isn’t his responsibility. However, you doing the majority of the chores is what makes it unfair. I’d demand he start acting like a grown up instead of like a lazy teenager with a nagging mother (you)
Light YTA because you probably should have considered the finances a bit more carefully before you moved in with him, but you do need to think over the fact that you’re living with a guy who doesn’t really seem to care about you having to drop stuff like your gym membership when he can easily afford to pay more. Especially since it also seems like you’re doing mommy duty.
ESH. I have seen many couples who split things 50/50 regardless of income, and many who split based on relative income. My partner feels very strongly about 50/50, whereas that would not be my first choice as I think it adds other stressors onto a dynamic. However, communication is key regardless. I think you both have different and valid perspectives, but you should work toward better communication in the first place. Not fair to change the plan after the fact.
Are you asking for some sort of wife treatment while you’re just room mates?
ESH
Income and work are two different things.
You knew about his income before you did this . . .
>We split rent and bills 50/50, which on paper sounds fair.
. . . so it’s not like you’re suddenly discovering something about income. (And what’s “which on paper” supposed to do? Suggest that if you agree to something on paper, it doesn’t mean anything unless you decide you like the agreement once it’s in practice?).
>I also end up doing more of the cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry , not because he demands it, but because he just… doesn’t really do it unless I ask.
Household tasks should be split. And that’s where he’s the asshole.
It sounds like you made a bad choice agreeing to this. I think revisiting this when the lease renews makes the most sense.
He doesn’t seem to care about the disparity and this definitely gives a roommate vibe versus partner.
You are not his housekeeper. You are getting a preview of how finances and chores will be handled. It sounds like this isn’t working out.
You’re supposed to be partners. If one is struggling and the other is living the high life, that’s no partnership. Reevaluate your relationship and if this is what you want going forward
NTA Fair doesn’t always mean 50/50. He makes 3x more and still expects you to split everything evenly and do more housework? That’s not a partnership. Wanting to rebalance after seeing how things play out is reasonable not “changing the rules.” His reaction says a lot.
NTA, but you’re running into one of the primary difficulties in relationships: money, and especially budgeting and sharing.
You guys need to have a serious sit down and talk about financial expectations, and if you can’t come to reasonable agreement, you should probably call it off.
I am married, but even before that we always had an extra joint account for our expenses where everyone puts in 35% of their income (you’d have to decide if 35% is enough to cover all joint expenses, but you get the idea). Rent, grocery shopping, vacations etc. are paid from that account. This is the best way imo because it accounts for the difference in income so everything stays fair. 50/50 will never be fair unless you earn roughly the same. And with the rest of our mone we are free to do whatever we want as opposed to putting everything in a joint account and then getting into conflicts because one spends more on their hobby than the other etc. etc.
I hope you will find a way out of this, but the “you chose you a low paying carreer, so deal with it” and not doing his part with the household doesn’t bode well.
NTA. You should split based on income percentage. LIke 70/30.
You’ve actually lowered your standard of living by moving in with him — I’m guessing you were paying less rent previously? — while increasing your workload by doing a lot of household stuff for him and not just for yourself. Your bf might think this is “fair” but it’s not. And it’s not sustainable.
Whatever you may have thought you agreed to upon moving in, you’re not tied to that. Now that you’ve noticed that it’s not working, it’s OK to renegotiate. Or to move out. Edit: NTA for asking your bf to reconsider.
If your bf is fine with the current arrangement, that lets you know that he is happy to enjoy your company, your labor, and your misfortune, because it’s all nice for him. Even though it’s not so nice for you! This is not someone who is invested in your well-being.
I assume when you move in together with a romantic partner you are merging your finances and becoming a couple. Expecting a “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours” seems to defeat the entire purpose.
You should put a value on the chores you do and invoice him biweekly. He’s getting the “milk for free” benefit.
NTA
You choose to live somewhere that the total rent is your entire salary each month? If your half if 50% of your income…. That’s crazy. Why on earth would you do that?
so sorry about this OP. it’s lowkey concerning because this is a character thing that is going to affect other areas of your lives too. he isn’t equitable now when life is fun and easy… how equitable will he be once you guys have way more stressors, expenses, and have kids? why is he okay with living large when you are struggling? some selfishness there for sure. at two years in, you guys should be treating each other like a team. but he is not seeing you two as one unit.
ESH.
You both aren’t exactly married for you to ask for combining finances. He shouldn’t have to restrict not spending.
At the same time, if you are in a serious relationship, it’s not great to have bard and fast rule on separate responsibilities. And bit of a jerk on not sharing chores when finances are 50-50.
How much were you paying when you lived apart? Did you have a roommate? If you lived alone, was 100% of the rent/bills more or less than the 50% you’re paying now?
My question is, didn’t you consider your budget and income when moving into a new place together? Hate to say it, but this is a bit negligent on your part.
However, he is an asshole for completely dismissing you.
Yta. You presumably knew all the figures before you moved in with him so why did you if you were unhappy with it. Were you bidding your time to ask him to pay more hoping he would subsidise your poorer income. He’s right that your income and career choice are on you not him.
You are literally trying to “change the rules”. So yeah YTA there. That being said it sounds like this is probably the first time you’ve been in this situation and didn’t really know what you were signing up for going into it. Next time you’ll know you don’t like 50/50 and want an income based split. And that’s fine. For next time. For this time, if you want to change the rules then own up to it. Relationships are about compromise. Tell him you want to revisit it. Sit down. Lay out all the chores and responsibilities. Tell him you want to have percentage based payments on bills. He probably won’t go for it but it’s good to have your position known. And then say if you can’t have that then you’d at least like 50/50 on the chores. Best way to do that is make a list and take turns picking off of it.
INFO: is your share of rent, utilities, and other expenses more now that you live with him than it was previously? If so, then NTA.
Moving in together should not increase expenses for either of you. So if you are paying a higher rent because you are living in a larger place or more expensive location due to his lifestyle preferences then IMO he should pay a larger share of the expenses.
If you are paying about the same or less than you were before moving in together, then you have less of a case. I don’t think he is obligated to supplement your income solely based on his higher earnings.
Never ever go 50/50 with a man. As a woman you are always doing more. The only thing that will be eve is the money. Period.
Don’t live w someone you’re not married to. Or buy a house. Or have children.
If you can’t afford 50/50, he needs to be cool with moving somewhere that is more affordable for you. If he’s not willing to downgrade his home, should cover what’s outside of your affordability. Say you’re more comfortable at 30%-40% income on rent, you should try6 and find a place that fits your budget at 50% (EX, you make 50K, takehome 40K, willing to spend 30% take home, you should find a place that’s ~$2600/mo to split @ $1300/mo). If the place he wants to rent is closer to $3500/mo, he’s gotta the extra $900/mo. And, if he’s not willing to chip in to the chores 50/50, he should be willing to outsource 50% of the chores – on his tab to cover his portion.
ESH – because you should have broached the topic and run the numbers before now and him for not participating and not attempting to make your life a bit easier (because that’s what partners SHOULD do).
I can see both sides for how couple set up splitting finances especially before marriage, but his response to you bringing this up is concerning. Along with his lack of housework, you’ve got a bad roommate not a loving partner. Should think hard about if this is the type of relationship you want.
NTA you need to be paid for your side jobs. Bill him the going rate for laundry service, housecleaners, personal chef, shopper. Or stop doing anything for him.
NTA but this should’ve been discussed before moving in. He doesn’t sound like a partner, more like a roommate. I would understand the partner who makes more not wanting to make up for your income if you chose to work an easy job part time or something, that wouldn’t be fair. I make less than my bf but I have an amazing job that I work hard at and will grow with over time. We split relative to income which he proposed from the beginning.
YTA, and I apologize for rating you like that, sigh. You have just hit another milestone ‘live and learn’ moment.
You are 26, you are closer to 30 than 20. Where did you rent/live prior to this?
If you were able to split 50/50 prior to moving in together on social/dating/expenses, then you (maybe) gave bf the impression that you could afford 50/50 living together. Didn’t you tell him, while living separately, that you could not afford to 50/50 all of that?
Did you know-before moving in-that his income was this much higher than your income? THAT IS WHEN you should have been adult enuf to sit down with him and discuss finances and household duties and chores. NOT after.
OP wrote ‘…I assumed we’d be a team and support each other, since that’s how relationships work…’ This, OP, is what happens when one assumes. Worn-out cliche but def applies here. This is how YOU “assume” relationships work. He obviously does not.
BTW, please do not ever “assume” that once engaged, that one partner should be expected to carry the other financially. Never get into a relationship without knowing you can securely take care of your own life should something happen. Partners leave, lose their job, die, become gravely ill and have huge medical expenses. Always be able to support yourself.
As for your bf, he is def AH coz he thinks you are the new mommy so of course you should be cleaning, cooking, picking up. Unless he has the mentality of a 4 yr old toddler, shut this down ASAP. He’s already shown you who he is, believe him.
NTA but it’s also not his fault you make less. Hopefully he agrees or maybe he can pay rent and you pay groceries and bills?
ESH. You are right to be concerned about such a high percentage of your income going toward housing. You are what they call house poor and it is a very precarious financial position. He sucks for not seeming to care about that. You suck for not running the numbers a little better before committing to the situation.
Not sure how long your lease is but I would tell him this isn’t financially sustainable for you so if he wants to keep living together, you’ll need to move into a cheaper place at the end of the lease. Then the ball is in his court. If he values living with you, he will either downsize with you (saving more money on his end too) or he will offer to pay more toward housing to stay where you are. If he chooses not to do either, stick to your guns and go find a place you can afford.
NAH
Honestly, I don’t think your the asshole for asking. But I do wonder what your long term thoughts are. Is living with your boyfriend making your life more expensive than it was before (you mention having to cut back on things). I don’t like the fact that he doesn’t do anything without asking – that mental load shouldn’t be on you alone (though I understand that it many households, it does fall on the woman to do that). That combination doesn’t bode well.
My husband and I also split everything 50/50; he has a part time job and I work full time. I make 3x as much. He doesn’t want to work full time, though, so he prefers the arrangement as is. I also pay for most, if not all, vacations and special projects/home renovations, whereas he does all of the cooking and half the chores. I reserve judgement as I feel more info is needed.
You should split ALL chores. All financial matters should be split on the percentage of total income you both make. Example: you would pay 25% of rent and utilities and food, etc. He pays 75% of rent, utilities and food, etc.
YTA. You knew he made more than you and agreed. Also why would you agree to rent a place that was 50% of your income. You should have told him you would only move somewhere more affordable.
If this is that big of an issue break up and go back you your old life.
If its going to be 50/50 when you earn so much less, the rent has to be proportionate to your income. Time to move to a cheaper place!
As for the chores, did he do them before you moved in? So did he move in his girlfriend, or a live in housekeeper? Time for him to pull his weight!
NTA.sure you had a deal. But deals can be renegotiated when they no longer work.
Proportional income splits only girl NTA
NTA but need to consider if you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn’t value your non-financial contributions and at the same time belittles your career in a helping profession.
If my partner was a responsible person and made less $ I would be honored to contribute more towards our expenses.
Yes you want to change the rules because the old rules suck for you. You are being completely used. He has a phuck maid paying half the bills while he goes on weekends away. Not good.
This is why living together before marriage is so eye opening. He has you full time now, and his true entitled nature is coming out. I’m sorry. These type of men usually aren’t worth investing in to “fix.” 2 years is a lot, but it’s not 20. Better to find out now and move on.
YTA for buying the ideology of 50/50 and being in this relationship. If you marry your bf, your marriage may not last due to finances.
First, you shouldn’t move in unless your are engaged or married.
Second, a marriage is a ‘team sport’ not an individual sport. There is no ‘I’ in team! Trying to split 50/50 when one party makes 3x the income or one party does most of the chores isn’t going to work. It is about working together for a common goal.
You need to set goals (ie save X amount for a down payment; put x amount for a future vehicle; put x amount away for a college fund for the children; etc); set a budget and stick to it; etc. It is about working together.
Either find a new bf or be ‘unhappy’ in this relationship.
NTA.
50/50 for rent but not for housework is indeed unfair.
Maybe you should just consider whether this guy is the one? If you plan to have kids you already know he’ll be useless. Even if not, he seems very content with an unfair system.
Was he able to take care of himself and his home before you moved in together?
I have always had a 50/50 in my relationships. 50% of my salary in the kitty, and 50% of theirs. Then we look at how much that is and decide on a living arrangement. (rent / elec / water / internet..) This allows for growth. Say you or they start getting better jobs and move up, make more money, when the lease comes due, reset the 50/50 and see where it is now. As couples grow so will their “together Kitty” and they can do more things together. Living in a lower rent, decent appt gives you disposable income to travel or experience things together. Each person is putting their share in and the relationship is not about STUFF, but about each other and experiences together. If the other person wants you to pay more, then the relationship is on what they get from it, how does it benefit them. (you make more so we should be in a nicer place..) I had relationships where I was an executive and she was a mid level manager. We each put 50% in and got a cool apartment based on that. We decided traveling was what we wanted more than a better place to live, so we got something smaller, less rent and I am now going on more than 30 countries in my passport. Your lifestyle should not depend on your partner.. meaning you should not suffer or gain considerable. If they can’t see your struggling then they don’t see “US” they only see “ME”
Sounds to me like you’re living above your means and the excitement at moving in together blinded you to this. Finances were discussed in advance, I assume you knew what you were getting into, so trying to move the goal posts now is bit AHish. You should’ve known that you couldn’t really afford to split everything and live by his means. Whilst I see your point about you not being able to afford it this was honestly an oversight on your part and I can’t blame him for not wanting to adjust at this moment. If earning more is not an option for you and adjusting the split is not being agreed to then I think you should consider moving out as this is the only option you really have left.
Think I have to go with YTA. This was your mistake really. It doesn’t sound like he suddenly started earning more than you or you suddenly started earning less than him. I could even understand if he is thinking that this was your plan all along. You knew what you earned. You should’ve thought this through earlier, realised that this would be too much for you to afford and agreed to a more equitable split from the start or moved into somewhere you could better afford.
ESH.
He’s obviously getting a sweet deal and not carrying his weight chore-wise.
However, it sounds like you two either didn’t talk about bills at all before moving in together (which was a huge mistake), or you willfully misunderstood the 50/50 deal.
While the judgy comments here suck, there are some things to learn from this experience. 1. Never agree to a lease where rent is more than about 28% of your income. 2. Don’t pick up his half of the household responsibilities. Once you start it’s game over.
Once your lease is up (or now if you’re not on the lease), you need to find a more affordable situation. For now, get him a separate laundry hamper. Get paper plates. Don’t pick up after him. Find some corner that can be yours and stay clean. Cook for you both when you want to and do girl dinner when you’re not feeling it. He can eat frozen pizzas that he buys. This is NOT to be spiteful, but because you need to learn how to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. You can set boundaries and still be kind.
As someone who has lived with my partner for 12 years and a previous partner for 9 years. Here is my take.
The issue isn’t that you are being left with less money. It’s that he doesn’t seem to care.
Now, fair enough, you’s made an agreement, put it into action and tried to make it work.
But, evidentially it isn’t working and it’s putting pressure on you.
Your partner however doesn’t seem to care.
Now, some may see this as an issue some may not.
But, if my partner came to me, communicating they were struggling, cutting back and having to struggle, I would do all I could to minimise that struggle. Otherwise what is the point in me saying we are in a “relationship”. (And I’m not saying I would suddenly pay all the bills etc, I most certainly wouldn’t, but I’d do what I could that was reasonable to minimise that inequality the best I could).
It’s supposed to be a partnership. You support me, I support you.
I have been through multiple tough times where my partner has had to support me, and vice versa, not just in monetary terms, and that’s what the point of a relationship is. It’s to come together as a team and share a life, be a team and help each other through.
If my partner had this issue, as a part of the partnership, her problems are my problems too, were a team, so I would look to do what I could reasonably do to help her.
This to me, and it’s just my opinion, seems the bigger issue here.
Also. He should be doing his fair share, don’t do it for him. That’s not a partnership either.
I think you should be each paying an equal percentage of your salary, not equal amounts since he earns more. And I am really bothered that when you brought this up to him that he criticized your choice of career and felt it was fair for you to continue paying 50% because you agreed to it when you moved in together. That shows me that he is an ass and does not care for you as I think a man should care about his girlfriend. He is taking advantage of you and he knows it. It is obviously up to you if you choose to remain with him. I know that I couldn’t respect a man that treated me like this. You should not be paying 50% when you don’t earn the same amount of money. I think you should move out and let him pay 100% of the rent himself.
So before you moved in, you didn’t talk about the rent and how it would be split? Or did you just assume he would have a bigger percentage of the rent?
I would think you guys would have talked about it and then you would have realized you couldn’t afford it.
YTA
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Probably a very unlikable opinion but YTA.
I hate seeing successful people be punished just because they’ve done well for themselves. Just because OP partner earns more does not mean he should have to foot a percentage of OPs payments?
Unless OP uses less water, electricity , food etc… then there’s no reason she shouldn’t pay half.
You know why he’s buying a PS5? because he worked hard to earn it
Sadly, OP, you should aim for a higher paying position or move
NTA. Start looking for another apartment (and another boyfriend). And stop doing housework that isn’t directly your own.
NTA
But, if he wants to continue everything 50/50 then have a calm conversation with him how, as a couple, you will be spitting house work 50/50.
If he does not keep his end of the bargain then you can discuss what he will do to make sure his half is the work is completed. (Example: higher a cleaning service.)
If this continues to be an issue please ask yourself why you are in such an imbalanced relationship? Healthy life partners want both people to be happy, safe, and secure. Your boyfriend might not be a good life partner.
Also, he seems to dismiss the value of your job. That is concerning.
I personally don’t like 50/50 unless it’s equitable.
I disagree with most comments. NTA. You are supposed to be a partnership. If I was with a partner that obviously struggles to keep up with my pace while I make much more i would want to ease his burden. That’s why we are together, to make life better. And no one is punishing him for being successful, thats a crazy take, but he is using her to make his life better, now he has a live in maid and a cook that also splits the rent.
Bottom line is that if your boyfriend can look at you and be ok with you not being able to buy a gym membership and not want to help you, means that he doesn’t like you that much.
Seeing some of the comments. Would they be the same if the genders were reversed? I bet not.
NTA
Don’t cook his food, don’t clean up for him, don’t do his groceries or laundry, and tell him you did your half and he needs to do his. I think he’ll be up for renegotiating your financial split.
But seriously, if this is someone you plan on marrying, I’d be concerned of his unwillingness to financially commit to you. In a committed relationship you’re are supposed to be a team, not two individuals living together. In my situation, my girlfriend makes half what I do and so I contribute double what she does. This is fair in a committed because whats hers is mine and what’s mine is hers.
YTA. You agreed to pay 50/50 when you moved in. You understood how much rent is. If your costs haven’t changed, why would your financial split? It’s unfair to put more costs on him because of YOUR failure to budget.
Now, if he’s pressuring you into an apartment that’s out of your budget, it’s fair he covers more.
When your lease is up, tell him you need to move into a cheaper place that you can afford 50-50. But until then take accountability and continue to pay what you agreed to.
Unfortunately you didn’t realize that 50% of rent would leave you strapped. If you both agreed to split things 50/50 then you aren’t sticking to your agreement. However, since you are doing the bulk of the chores around the place anyway, you could negotiate a rent reduction to compensate you for your extra work. You both need to agree on what each of you are responsible for upfront. NTA
To be fair, the expenses need to be properly weighted based on income, so yeah, if he makes more, then he would be paying more.
NTA-You were okay living by yourself and now he’s burdening your life. I would be telling him you want to go back to living separately. You should also stop cooking for him and doing his chores. He’s an adult and is using you as a maid basically.
NTA. Compromise and empathy is important in any relationship, but especially one where (I assume) the goal is marriage. Maybe you guys originally planned for 50/50 and now you have realized it’s not working- that’s where compromise, empathy and communication steps in. You should be able to revise and replan based on everyone’s needs. It will happen so many times throughout a marriage. Things change.
For starters, not cool to come at your job like that. I assume you do it because you enjoy it. Wouldn’t he want you to do what makes you happy- even if that means you don’t make as much? Or does he want you to beat yourself down on some job you hate so that you can match his income?
It feels a bit unfair that he gets to go on vacation with friends, buy new expensive things he wants- doesn’t need, skimps on the household chores while he watches you give up things you enjoy. I think when someone truly loves their partner, they wouldn’t feel comfortable watching you suffer while they get to live lavish. That’s very odd to me.
He should pay a larger portion of rent. But figure these things out now. Bigger issues to come if guys can’t come to terms on distribution of finances and how you two will compromise to maintain the peace.
I feel like I see this pop up every once in a while on Reddit: a woman makes less but pays for half of a situation much more suited to her higher-earning partner’s lifestyle. It drains her while he lives the high life, whilst blaming her for her inability to financially keep up with the rest of his lifestyle.
It further sucks when a lease has been signed and you are now stuck in the situation. I can understand why he doesn’t want anything to change, but it sounds like you need a lifestyle and housing adjustment in order to responsibly pay half. Throwing on the inequitable chore situation and yeah…not great all around.
You can’t wave a magic wand and go back in time to rent a more affordable place. Here are I think your options (these are not all mutually exclusive):
Stick it out with your current income, live two different lives, and then get out of there when the lease is up. Move somewhere affordable (under 25-30% of your income for all housing costs) with or without him.
Cultivate friendships and relationships that are less costly (go to free outdoor concerts, go on walks with friends, etc.) Spend your time and energy with people who are on that same lifestyle/wavelength. If he wants to come along great, (but sounds like maybe not?)
Get a second job to create some financial ease for yourself, but live two different lives because you’d be too busy to go on weekend trips etc.
Consider asking him to cover a housecleaner for the chores he is not doing. And if you’re making more money from adding a second job, perhaps you can help pitch in some $ too so the house gets clean and you get some time to yourself.
Or another idea: When I had 4 roommates (total) we created a chore chart with each chore priced out to a fair agreed upon amount. Each week, whoever jumped on a chore got paid 3/4 of the chore. The people who hated doing chores were happy to pay and vice versa. We squared up at the end of the month, with rent. (Fully recognize you probably do not want a complicated chore chart but plenty of roommates and partners have a system.)
Those are all the options I came up with. I very much feel for you. I don’t think you are the AH, it sounds like an honest mistake that you thought you could cover this new life with him, but turns out you can’t, and now you’re unhappy. The chore thing does make me want to throw some shade his way and think he’s kinda the asshole. I can’t exactly blame him for being upset that an agreed upon financial arrangement of such importance needs to shift, but it’s hard to comprehend not responding to my partner being so uncomfortable.
(Maybe it’s because I’m gay, but I would never make my partner live unhappily for basically a whole year. I would be curious about what they were feeling, would show them that I very much care about how miserable they are, and try to come up with a creative solution that works for everyone.)
I guess the question is: is he willing to shift to a less expensive living situation next year rather than resign the lease, so his partner can breathe? Is he ready right now to step up and do (or pay someone to do) 50% of the domestic labor, since we are apparently keeping everything else in a 50/50 ledger, per his insistence?
Anyway, good luck, OP. You deserve to feel more ease and grace in your day to day living and your partnership and I hope you two can either work something out or that you find an exit hatch!
Stop doing all the housework! It is astonishing to me how many Reddit posts we read where someone in the relationship not only pays more of their income, whether outright or just proportionally and then that person also takes on 90% of the home responsibilities. Don’t enable your partner’s (misogyny, apathy or weaponized incompetence) in doing the housework.
Stop grocery shopping, stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, hold him responsible. I guarantee you’ll feel a lot better. NTA.
NAH…
He vaguely seems like the Ahole but then again you guys made this deal.You agreed to it, so forcing him to change it would make you the Ahole. So, if you don’t like it and he is that stuck to it, then break up. Move out and live with in your means again. If he really cares he will fix himself and work to get you back. If not, then you need to believe the words he said and believe this is who he is and it isn’t who is good for you.
Oh man. You’re slowly getting trapped. You’re spending money you could be saving, being a maid and cook all while working full time. He’s not a partner at all. Please leave this situation. If he makes so much more than you HE should want to help you out.
Think about how your life was before you lived with him. Was it better? A partner should enrich your life, not make it harder. Please please leave. He is slowly draining you.
NTA but stop cleaning up after him, stop buying things for him (out of your budget), don’t cook him meals, don’t do his laundry. If you can’t afford your current cost of living, sit him down and say y’all need to move after the lease ends, or you’ll be moving back into your place, because you’re living beyond your means. If he pushes back on both options, remind him you asked to re-explore your shared expenses and he refused to have that conversation and mocked your life choices, so he can’t have his cake and eat it too.
To be honest, I wouldn’t even want to continue the relationship myself, if my boyfriend degraded my job to my face, a job that was during COVID celebrated by parents for what teachers go through, and then teachers were again forgotten as soon as schools reopened. A role that has historically been underfunded, undervalued, and understaffed. Him degrading anyone who chooses to teach, or do blue collar work, or do any job that feeds their family and pays the bills regardless of income level, suggests he’s a little too snooty for my taste.
I’m a soft ESH (but more AH from him, more naïveté from your end)
If you want to change it, you should think about getting married, in all seriousness. Boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t mean anything on a lease: it’s still a roommate situation.
Even if your roommate made 3x what you did, they would still only pay half the rent. Dating doesn’t really add anything here. Now, if you decided to combine finances before marriage so like acting married but not actually (which I believe is a bad idea, but seems like people may do that more nowadays), then maybe you can have this conversation of our money paying our bills. If you’re married, it’s assumed you combine finances anyway and pay all bills out of your collective funds. (Though some marry and still keep finances separate, and may choose to split bills by income percentage).
Your boyfriend’s talk is a bit concerning though. He is stating his boundaries that he can afford that place and is fine, if he were really concerned about you, maybe he’d suggest moving to a cheaper apartment to keep living together but decrease your stress.
So you are asking for a sliding scale where he pays more of your share. That’s not equitable either. For the two of you to manage this, you need to pool your resources and just live your lives on “the money”. There is NEVER financial equity in a relationship. As long as you focus on yours, mine, and not ours, you will never get there.
ESH
Don’t move in together with separate finances. He has clearly established that he isn’t supporting you, and you are grasping for straws as to why he isn’t willing to.
50/50 is a scam that only benefits the one who is making more. Tell him this is not a financially wise decision for you. Then look for a place that is in your budget. If he wants to stay you need to pay what is the % that you bring in. If he wants to brake up over that, let him because he using
Why are you even with him? He’s lazy, selfish, and insulting to you.
I make $13/HR more than my significant other. I pay more things and I do so because I love my partner. We’re not in a great situation money wise because I feel like I’m not saving as much because I’m helping her but I also don’t want to put my partner in a position that she can’t afford anything. It’s rough. I think money is something you work on together but I don’t think your boyfriend should be making you feel shitty for struggling. He ALSO joined this relationship knowing you don’t make as much money. That’s what I think anyways. We share the household work, do bills together, and kind of combine our income, but I don’t suggest that to everyone.
NTA think it might be time to move back out. Living together is not going to be good for anyone except him
Now he has a cook, a maid, sex when he wants and to top it off he gets a 50% discount on his bills so he has lots of fun money.
It depends, did you move into a place he wanted which was based on his higher salary or did you discuss your price point? Its fine split 50/50 but you needed discussions on what price point you were comfortable with.
NTA for asking. But you two aren’t on the same page.
How much longer is your lease? Decide how much you want to pay in rent. Let’s say it’s $1000 per month. When the lease is up, you two can find a new place for $2000 per month or less, and split the rent, chores, and bills 50/50. If he doesn’t want to do that, he needs to come up with an alternative arrangement that allows you to still pay your maximum amount. He can pay more if he wants to stay where he is, you can live separately, whatever. But you both need to be extremely clear about what the deal is.
His unwillingness to be empathetic or want to work with you about this now is a red flag.
NTA.
People need to realize when you agree to things as a couple or even roommates it might not always work as well in practice as it does on paper and you both need to be open to rearranging things as necessary so both of you can be happy.
Trust me if nothing changes and you continue to be broke and sacrifice while he is buying expensive things and doing him.. resentment will build and the relationship will fail.
It’s ridiculous of him to say you should have gotten a higher paying job.. not everyone picks a career based on how rich it will make them, some people choose based on what they will feel most successful at and fulfilled by.. and it’s really unfair of him to throw such a big part of your life in your face like that. When you are with someone, they should really want the best for you and make you happy.. and if he can’t sacrifice a little for you now, he probably never will.
NTA Split bills proportionally. Divide your total household income by your income. That is your percentage of the bills.
Bad idea to move in with a boyfriend in the first place
NTA. Anyone who will ask you to pay 50/50 when they make 3x more than you was trying to take advantage of you from the start. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Leave him.
This type of story is super common on Reddit… the debate whether to split 50/50 or whether to split proportionally.
Neither answer is ‘right’ over the other, but the problem is that it wasn’t clearly discussed at the outset (or you did agree initially but feel you want a change?)
I think this raises a longer term issue for what happens in the future. Many couples, married or not, combine incomes….which it sounds like your boyfriend will resist. The whole not helping around the house alone is enough for me to question things…
So your now 50% is more than what you were paying previously? That doesn’t make sense. This is stuff you should have discussed before moving in together. He definitely needs to do his share of cooking and cleaning.
NTA.
Move out. He doesn’t value your contributions. Seems like he wants the wife subscription package at the roommate price.
NTA. My ex and I had a salary imbalance. We started 50/50 at her request but that only lasted a few months. We figured out What my salary was as a percentage of our combined income and that is what we based the split on. It end up around 70/30 which I was happy to do because even then I still had decent disposable income each month and the difference to her was immense. It was only fair and if relieved a lot of stress on her side.
A friend of mine’s wife far out earns my friend. They did what we did and never argue over money.
ESH, but you just a bit. For clarity, I’m confused on why you agreed to live somewhere that would cost so much and didn’t budget or talk about a more equitable split. So you’re at fault for biting off more than you could chew.
But he should not be dumping the housework on you when he’s basically saying “sucks to suck” to your career. Just because he makes more doesn’t make your work less valuable or exhausting, and he’s taking advantage of you and jeering at you for it.
It is unbalanced. If he makes three times what you do, what is fair is that you pay 25%.
I’ve been on both sides. And we’ve always done the bill splits based on percentages.
Your response should be that you didn’t know what you didn’t know, and that the current arrangement is strangling you. And if his response is to gaslight you I think that tells you what you need to know
2 things here..
Financial 50-50. You knew how much it would cost, and to change it now is going back on your decision.
Chore 50-50. I assume you thought you would both handle dishes, cooking, laundry, etc. If you are handling more, stop. Do your own dishes, make your own meals, do your own laundry.. you know.. 50% of the chores for 2.
Should break up. You shouldn’t have agreed to such an expensive for you place, but he obviously doesn’t seem to care about you or offer to pay for more things or help out more, while he spoils himself. I don’t think he really cares about you and I don’t imagine he will change, for you or anyone. He should he wanting to share some of his wealth with you and buying you something special or taking you out, he clearly just doesn’t feel that way.
Ur his maid and ur paying half his rent and he doesnt care. NTA move somewhere els without him
NTA. This will only get worse. Dump him. Not because he doesnt pay for more stuff but because of his reaction about chores. Those should be split evenly regardless of any other circumstances.
did you both sign the lease?
NTA- for being upset, but You-Are-The-a-hole to YOURSELF for putting up with a “man” who makes 3times more than you who treats you like the unpaid hired help to subsidize his life. DUMP HIM SIS. A man who liked you and was worth partnering with would have already done this math and NEVER proposed a “deal” that disadvantaged the woman he supposedly loved. He is taking advantage of you via money, chores, and physical affection, he knows it, and he is trying to shame you for noticing it. Cut and run. I could never respect man who tried to trick me like this, it shows a SEVERE lack of character. Love yourself and choose yourself. He is clearly choosing himself at your expense. If he wants a roommate he can get one.
On your side, there’s nothing wrong in asking him to reconsider, nor is there anything wrong in leaving if you don’t accept the answer that’s likely to come (either the relationship or the new place, as you can downsize back to your original budget). On his side, there’s nothing wrong in refusing to readjust, which is what it sounds like he’ll do.
Some other commenters have mentioned that you knew the rent before you agreed to it; they’re right. Even if your boyfriend were ten times as well-off, your financial decisions are your responsibility.
Does he even WANT to be in a relationship with you, or does he just need a mommy to take care of him. If he is invested in you and the relationship he needs to budge
NTA Everyone asking why you agreed to move in under these conditions isn’t wrong BUTTT it doenst help your current situation.
What seems to be much more common (than 50/50) is splitting the bills based on income (the person making more contribute more relative to their salary). I also like that some couples consider cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc as part of “contributing” so the person who takes care of those responsibilities contributes less financially.
You need to find what works for you but if boyfriend still insists on 50/50 then the rental you chose should be based on what is comfortable for you NOT him. If you can only afford $100 a month then you only rent apts that are under $200 (just an example I know there is no such thing as $200 rent!)
Welcome to adulthood. I have yet to meet a man who actually places value on housework except to complain about conditions that are not to his standards. Extensive research in sociology reveals that the happiest Americans are single women and married men. Make of that what you will. I live alone and I love it.
You’re his gf not wife. He doesnt need to bank roll your life. You arnt owed his money. 50/50 is fair.
Dont be a gold digger.
This is why as a woman I wouldn’t do 50/50 with a guy all the time starting on dates – they usually don’t respect you and then expect more, as I learned the hard way. I hate when I read women who split things 50/50 with a guy! Ladies stop doing this so much!
You need to also stop doing all the housework too – don’t do his laundry, goodness! Don’t say anything – just stop doing it. If he asks why tell him we each need to do our own now. And split the cooking duties- you cook only three times a week and tell him he needs to be responsible for dinners the rest of the week – either he cooks and/or takes you out and/or gets take out.
You’ve done too much for him and made things way too easy for him.
I don’t understand this…. How was it fair before and not fair now? Were your rent and utilities before you both moved in together lower than your 50/50 split?
well, you found out early on, and relatively cheaply. that this man doesn’t like you. Break it off and see if he’ll buy you out of the end of the lease. And never agree to go 50/50 with a man again; it is very seldom a fair deal.
YTA for not truly taking into account the financial situation.
Also for doing more than 50% of the chores. Stop doing that. You are choosing to make more work for yourself. You’re an adult. Adult.
NTA.
We started out fairly, with each contributing according to income. I made 70% of our joint income so I paid 70% of our expenses.
We split the chores up fairly too.
Isn’t that what all adults do in a partnership?