I (25F, attorney) recently threw a birthday party and invited our mutual friend group. My boyfriend (27M, stock trader) has been going through a rough patch financially for the last two years. He used to earn really well, but things have been difficult lately. He has EMIs, debts, and I’ve even lent him money to help him out.
For my birthday, I bought myself a gift. Since I knew he wasn’t in a position to buy me a gift, I told him, “Just wrap this and give it to me at the party no one needs to know, and you won’t feel awkward in front of everyone.” All our friends were giving me gifts, and I genuinely thought I was sparing his feelings.
But he got really upset, said I was “ashamed” of him, and accused me of making him feel small. I never told anyone I bought the gift myself, I just didn’t want him to feel out of place.
He later apologized, bought me a cake, and promised to do better financially and celebrate my birthday “10x better” next year. He also said he’s considering switching careers (he’s an engineer by qualification) to get back on track.
Still, I’m feeling emotionally drained. I’ve always gone out of my way to make his birthdays special, even when I wasn’t earning much as a student. After two years of carrying most of the emotional and financial weight in the relationship, I’m starting to wonder: was I actually wrong here?
Just to clarify — this was the first time I threw a party for myself. I had recently gotten promoted, and since it was also my birthday month, I wanted to celebrate both.
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I (25F, attorney) recently threw a birthday party and invited our mutual friend group. My boyfriend (27M, stock trader) has been going through a rough patch financially for the last two years. He used to earn really well, but things have been difficult lately. He has EMIs, debts, and I’ve even lent him money to help him out.
For my birthday, I bought myself a gift. Since I knew he wasn’t in a position to buy me a gift, I told him, “Just wrap this and give it to me at the party no one needs to know, and you won’t feel awkward in front of everyone.” All our friends were giving me gifts, and I genuinely thought I was sparing his feelings.
But he got really upset, said I was “ashamed” of him, and accused me of making him feel small. I never told anyone I bought the gift myself, I just didn’t want him to feel out of place.
He later apologized, bought me a cake, and promised to do better financially and celebrate my birthday “10x better” next year. He also said he’s considering switching careers (he’s an engineer by qualification) to get back on track.
Still, I’m feeling emotionally drained. I’ve always gone out of my way to make his birthdays special, even when I wasn’t earning much as a student. After two years of carrying most of the emotional and financial weight in the relationship, I’m starting to wonder: was I actually wrong here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was trying to save my boyfriend embarassment on my birthday as he is struggling financially lately and I got a gift for myself and gave it to him so that in the party he would not feel awkward to come bare handed.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think the bigger issue is you feel emotionally and financially drained in the relationship. Might want to think more about that and how you see your future with him rather than this gift issue
YTA – how could you even think of it? Pathetic trying to keep up with your friends. Sad,
ehhh. seems as though youre embaressed that he cant afford an expensive gift so you went out of your way to buy yourself one so that way your friends think he bought you an expensive gift. thats weird. why does it even matter what people “think” he got you as a gift?
I think you had a well-intended solution that did make him feel small, it’s very much what someone does for a child you know? I’m wondering, what DID he plan on getting or doing for your birthday? In my eyes at least, bdays don’t HAVE to involve gifts – or the gift can be something sentimental, an activity, special day, or VIP treatment kinda thing – so I am just wondering what his plan really was. I think your solution, involving buying yourself something for him to wrap, also sent a message that only a physical or tangible gift is acceptable to you and you were making sure he could at least pretend to have done that for you but again part of the judgment here might come back to what he was intending to do for you for your bday.
Feeling emotionally drained from this one interaction in which you were inadvertently an AH? If this is not a common scenario, that seems like an over-reaction. Maybe the issue is that he’s had 2 years of financial difficulty and you’ve faced situations like this enough that it’s wearing on you. Is that the case?
Leaning YTA for the misguided ‘solution’ but not hugely so. Close to N A H pending more clarification on the BF’s stance on bday treats.
YTA. You need gifts? I spent my birthday with my boyfriend in the park and it was my best birthday in 48 years of life.
I dunno, I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that all your friends are giving you gifts at your birthday party at age 25. Light YTA?
NAH
So I can see where he’s coming from where he’s upset. It does suck when you want to make someone you love feel special, but you can’t afford to do that. That being said, there are plenty of affordable alternatives to make someone feel special without bleeding your bank account dry. Perhaps he felt like you expected something that he could not financially provide.
I also can see where you’re coming from- you’re trying to protect him from the potential judgmental glare of your friends when he shows up empty handed. It’s not that you were asking him to buy you something expensive, you were merely offering for him to not feel weird.
Now I will say this: you clearly care about his feelings and the fact that he’s been down about not doing well. I am a firm believer that being in a relationship is through good times and bad times. I’m also a firm believer in not footing the bill for someone else’s dream. There comes a point where you are doing so crappy in your career, that sometimes you have to pull the plug and do something else in order to earn income. It’s not fair to put all that burden on your partner.
I think for your sake and his, he needs to reevaluate his professional and financial decisions
NTA. His ego was bruised by you buying yourself something nice. It seems like you had good intentions.
Yta
YTA for buying the gift for yourself and telling him to pretend it was from you. All your friends are giving you gifts at the party, if they ask where his gift is, it’s not that hard to lie and say it didn’t arrive on time, or the trip is a dinner, or a day of pampering, or it’s a homemade gift what is the logic in this.
Feels like you just didn’t want to be embarrassed cause he wouldn’t get you a gift in front of your friends.
Yoru struggling with money and someone buys themselves a gift and says pretend it’s from you, I know you’re too broke to afford actually getting me a gift. Like you see how that comes off right?
I can’t speak for your relationship as a whole. On this specific issue, YTA. No one is going to notice whether there is a gift from your bf in a pile of presents. You don’t still open presents in front of everyone, right? You didn’t spare his feelings. You showed him exactly what you thought about him, which is that he isn’t enough and that he should be ashamed of himself. You clearly also think your friends are deeply materialistic.
When I was a baby lawyer, my now husband was struggling financially. It was really hard on him. But I never felt badly about bearing the financial weight. Now, he is the primary breadwinner. However, he rarely put the emotional strain of struggling professionally on me. He needs to figure out what he wants to do and commit to doing it. He’s 27; not a 19 year-old sophomore. Whether you want to be there for him while he strives is up to you.
Most couples exchange gifts privately, not as a show at a party. You did a kinda weird thing. I think YTA. Your concern was for your friends’ feelings about him, not his feelings.
Why not just cancel the party if you didn’t want him to be embarrassed? My husband and I don’t do gifts,for each other, we celebrate on a smaller scale. We would rather use the money to make someone happy. We buy Toy’s for Tots instead of gifts for each other and get a lot of fulfillment from it. We don’t waste our money doing office parties or gag gifts for someone, we just come out and tell them thanks but no thanks because we prefer to use our Spare change to buy toys for children who don’t have any. If we see toys on clearance during the year, we buy them and add them to our stash. In the middle of December, we get all the toys we have accumulated and send them off where they will make children smile.
YTA. I think your heart was in the right place but communication is key in relationships. You could have talked with him first about how he would feel and what the options were for his participation
What kind of adults bring and then OPEN gifts at a party? And why were you throwing your own party?
This whole thing seems off.
I can’t even decide between Y T A and N A H cause it’s so weird but I’m leaning towards YTA cause it comes off as really narcissistic
YTA. This lands as “I am embarrassed of you” not “I am embarrassed for you”. Why would he need to pretend in front of your friends? At all?
Unpopular opinion I say NTA simply because I cannot count the many times I have bought a gift and told my mom and/or husband to wrap it and just say it’s from them for Christmas. Like, no one cares who it’s from or not from.
On the other hand, I encourage you to not be concerned with what others think of what gifts you get or don’t get.
YTA. It would be one thing if he expressed that he was feeling anxious or uncomfortable about going because he didn’t have something to give you. But you brought this up, unprompted. Definitely doesn’t read as “so he wouldn’t feel bad.” Definitely reads as “so you won’t be embarrassed by him.”
BTW, completely unnecessary, and demonstrates that you are over focused on what other people think. No one at an adult birthday party is keeping track of what who got for someone else. Even if adult parties were structured like old school kids parties where the birthday girl opens her presents one at a time while everyone watches attentively (a trend I’m glad has gone out of style) it would still be completely normal for an SO to gift something outside of the party… no one would assume he didn’t get you anything or couldn’t afford anything good.
Soft YTA – you say that you’ve been carrying most of the emotional and financial weight in your relationship, so it makes sense that you’re drained.
You’re not an asshole for feeling frustrated, or for buying yourself a gift, or for trying to spare your husband embarrassment at your party, but there doesn’t really seem to be a need for him to perform this public gift-giving if it’s not his gift. You could just tell people he gave you a gift privately, or is giving you a gift later, or the gift itself is private, or whatever. You might’ve overthought this a little bit to try avoid having anything go/seem wrong, or anticipating what might go wrong, and created an issue in the process. I feel like I’ve done that so many times – it’s easy to get in your head about things.
That said, he didn’t need to react so defensively in the moment, and it’s nice that he bought you the cake, but did he do anything before this moment to make your birthday feel special? Did he do anything last year? It doesn’t seem like the gift is the big issue here, it’s how much he’s actually done for you over time (with or without money, gift or no gift). Like even making breakfast on someone’s birthday, or planning a special night, in is a nice thing to do. YTA on this, but N T A if he truly hasn’t made any effort toward celebrating you if you feel you’ve celebrated him.
you’re not an asshole for trying to do something you thought was right. however, you are an asshole if you hold his reaction against him. i feel as if he is completely valid to feel bad for this suggestion. you were trying to make sure he felt good in front of your friends but really you just made him feel bad for not being able to afford a gift that you deemed worthy of your friends. i think anyone in his position would take this the wrong way.
YTA. This wasn’t about him not being embarrassed, it was about you not being embarrassed. That’s fine, but be honest and own it, don’t try and make it seem like a favor to him.
YTA for throwing a party where you make people give you wrapped gifts when you’re a rich, 25 year old attorney.
NTA- but I can see why others think YTA. I don’t know why people think it’s weird to throw yourself a party and invite all your friends from different aspects of your life. I also don’t think it’s weird that you’re giving birthday presents to each other at 25. My friends and I still give each other gifts after decades as friends. Also he apologized to you for reacted as he did so he himself was saying you weren’t being an AH about it. It sounds like this immediately triggers him with shame he was already feeling for himself and he exploded. Is that what happened? You said the emotionally drained part after that. People who explode at the slightest triggering thing can be exhausting especially when it tangential.
Who throws themselves a birthday party? That’s super weird and says alot about you. YTA
Not sure of this is real , I’m a stock trader and I made the most money ever the last two years and honestly anyone could who doesn’t live under a rock … AI stocks are up 200-2000 percent … if this is true your bf needs to immediately do anything else and never try to be a stock trader again
How weird. You’re 25 and have parties where you open gifts in front of everyone still?
Mmm, soft YTA here but maybe I need a little more info. Is this something you two have spoken about before or did you make an assumption about how he’d feel and create a solution to a problem he had no insight into? You may have meant it well, but in his shoes it could feel as though you were the one that didn’t want to be embarrassed, that’s a you thing.
NTA. You knew he couldn’t afford a gift, and you were worried he’d be embarrassed at your party. In my opinion, you were being considerate and sensitive to his feelings.
NTA So you’re wondering whether he’ll be able to pull his weight financially. Would you want to stick around if he can’t? It sounds like the gift argument is just a little flareup of the real issue, and you both know it.
YTA literally no one would have thought once let alone twice about your boyfriend not having a gift in the mix. Instead they would have been grateful to sit through one less gift opening. Cause after 18 unless it’s a baby shower or Christmas and not even then usually nobody wants to watch someone open gifts anyway.
Soft YTA. That would have been a good solution if HE had brought up feeling bad about not having a gift for the party. He probably was already feeling bad about not being able to afford a gift, but since you brought it up it probably was just a small punch to his gut that was already turning.
If I was a guest, I would have just assumed he gave you his gift privately beforehand.
If you want your birthdays to be more special, definitely communicate that. If he has trouble planning things he can ask around for ideas and get with your friends to make something super special for you.
why does not having much money mean he can’t give you a gift? does he know gifts don’t have to cost much? ever heard of a nice card? that can cost $0?
YTA. I understand your intention and it came from a good faith place but the intention doesnt negate the impact. You were condescending and belittling with your gesture.
Everything you’ve written suggests that you’re worried about what other people think.you.
Dropping your “solution” to him out of the blue was an extremely harsh thing to do; you basically threw his current difficulties in his face.
YTA.
Eh NAH. I understand your thought process and although it was unnecessary, i don’t think it makes you an asshole. Just an overthinker
I’mma say NTA, and also that a lot of redditors are unhinged, but definitely this was something to like communicate about first instead of pulling the pin and assuming it was appropriate, you feel me? Just like a “Hey, do you want me to…” would have kinda swerved away from this in the first place.
INFO: Are you in the US? Most lawyers in the US would have 1) graduated college at 22ish and then IF they went straight to law school (many do not – I think the average time between is 2 years), then would then spend 3 years in law school. This means the vast majority of 25 year old lawyers are about a month into their very first lawyer job (and most 25 year old would-be lawyers are still in law school).
When did you graduate law school that you can not only be established somewhere as an attorney, but also getting promoted at 25?
YTA
I don’t care what my man gets me. Material things are nice but don’t matter anyway
You don’t throw yourself an adult b day party and expect gifts. In fact, you should state no gifts please, just the gift of your company.
On the plus side your behavior did open your boyfriends eyes, with an apology and promise to do better. Hope he keeps his word
I think, any man with a little pride would feel shame for not being able to afford the expensive gift you bought yourself! A little bougie don’t ya think? YTA
INFO: what is your history with gift-giving? Would he not have given you a gift at all (I mean privately too) if you didn’t do this?
“Hey I got you a hat to wear so you won’t feel embarrassed if my friends have to see that ridiculous, silly haircut you have.”
“my haircut is embarrassing? I wasn’t insecure about that?”
“WELL YOU SHOULD BE, WHAT IS MY FRIENDS LAUGH AT YOU??? +”
YTA for caring about others perceptions vs who he is and how he fits in your life.
But way to tell him you’re embarrassed of him and that if he can’t provide material things what good is he?
“Still, I’m feeling emotionally drained. I’ve always gone out of my way to make his birthdays special, even when I wasn’t earning much as a student. After two years of carrying most of the emotional and financial weight in the relationship, I’m starting to wonder: was I actually wrong here?”
I’m kind of confused about this part. It was quite the jump. Are you feeling drained because of other things or what? You said in your post that he used to earn well and that he was the one who preferred giving you gifts but here you said that you are tired of carrying most of the emotional and financial weight. It’s not adding up, are you only saying that because he is now going through a rough patch and can no longer give you what he has been giving you? Either way, YTA.