After months of struggling with our current washing machine and proposing we get a new one, I ordered a new washing machine today.
In our house, me (23f), my older autistic brother (25m), my mother, and my autistic father still live together and try our best to co-habitate. Only in the last year or so have my father and brother started doing their own laundry, as my mom finally put her foot down and said she wasn’t doing theirs anymore since she doesn’t have the time and they are adults (she works full time, father doesn’t work, brother works 15 hours part time).
I have been doing my own laundry for years, and since I also have a full time job with Cartier jewelry, there are very high expectations for dressing well.
For months our washing machine has been rusting on the rim, and the water mixes with it and drips into loads – so I can’t wash any white, grey, or light colored clothing without it getting ruined. My brother and Dad don’t care about their clothes getting stained, and my mother only wears darks so she doesn’t have the issue. We tried to repair it with coats of enamel but it only worked for a few washes before it leaked through.
I told everyone we needed a new one, and Mom said she wanted to buy one but didn’t have spare funds (she pays for EVERYTHING- all car insurance, health insurance, phone bill, Internet, etc.) and my Dad will never pay for anything, this has been a lifelong issue so we know we can’t expect anything from him. I purchased a new machine today- the total with delivery and installation is $660. Mom has contributed $100, which I appreciate and won’t ask for more as she already pays for everything. Again, I recognize I am the main one needing to wash my white clothes so I accept I’m paying the most.
The main issue is with my brother, who is very irritated I bought the machine and am asking him to contribute. If the split were fair, he would pay 1/3 (excluding knowing my dad will pay nothing((even though he’ll be using it, too)) but I just asked him to contribute $150. He got very mad and said I “just decided” I wanted a new machine and he doesn’t have the money – which he certainly does. He gets a lot of leeway being on the spectrum and is unreasonably/aggressive to a fault. I expected some pushback, but he has a serious maturity problem and won’t contribute to what is necessary. Every WEEK he is buying new LEGO sets or video game stuff, so he has the money- he just doesn’t want to spend it on something we all need.
So, am I the asshole for asking my brother to help pay for a new washing machine?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
After months of struggling with our current washing machine and proposing we get a new one, I ordered a new washing machine today.
In our house, me (23f), my older autistic brother (25m), my mother, and my autistic father still live together and try our best to co-habitate. Only in the last year or so have my father and brother started doing their own laundry, as my mom finally put her foot down and said she wasn’t doing theirs anymore since she doesn’t have the time and they are adults (she works full time, father doesn’t work, brother works 15 hours part time).
I have been doing my own laundry for years, and since I also have a full time job with Cartier jewelry, there are very high expectations for dressing well.
For months our washing machine has been rusting on the rim, and the water mixes with it and drips into loads – so I can’t wash any white, grey, or light colored clothing without it getting ruined. My brother and Dad don’t care about their clothes getting stained, and my mother only wears darks so she doesn’t have the issue. We tried to repair it with coats of enamel but it only worked for a few washes before it leaked through.
I told everyone we needed a new one, and Mom said she wanted to buy one but didn’t have spare funds (she pays for EVERYTHING- all car insurance, health insurance, phone bill, Internet, etc.) and my Dad will never pay for anything, this has been a lifelong issue so we know we can’t expect anything from him. I purchased a new machine today- the total with delivery and installation is $660. Mom has contributed $100, which I appreciate and won’t ask for more as she already pays for everything. Again, I recognize I am the main one needing to wash my white clothes so I accept I’m paying the most.
The main issue is with my brother, who is very irritated I bought the machine and am asking him to contribute. If the split were fair, he would pay 1/3 (excluding knowing my dad will pay nothing((even though he’ll be using it, too)) but I just asked him to contribute $150. He got very mad and said I “just decided” I wanted a new machine and he doesn’t have the money – which he certainly does. He gets a lot of leeway being on the spectrum and is unreasonably/aggressive to a fault. I expected some pushback, but he has a serious maturity problem and won’t contribute to what is necessary. Every WEEK he is buying new LEGO sets or video game stuff, so he has the money- he just doesn’t want to spend it on something we all need.
So, am I the asshole for asking my brother to help pay for a new washing machine?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I bought a washing machine and am asking other people help pay for it
(2) I’m expecting other people to pay for the decision I made
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. They should contribute but it sounds like you didn’t talk to them about contributing until after it was already purchased. Major purchases like that need to be decided upon before hand including how it will be split.
YTA. Buy it yourself.
I think you and your mom are dealing with malicious incompetence. Because hi, I want to stick and do my laundry regularly. Honestly if they’re not going to pay they shouldn’t have access to the laundry. Yeah you did it on your own but you needed to because you unlike him, have a full-time job you need to do. And he will be using the washing machine. I think you and Mom should just put your foot down more and say you’re tired of a babying them. They are grown men. Not boys, men. Being autistic has nothing to do with being able to take care of yourself. If they want clean clothes and don’t want to be smelly, they’re going to have to either pay up or go to the laundromat. Maybe it’s the lack of empathy but that’s just how it is. I’m tired of people- including opportunistic autistic people – acting like this communication disorder means that we are incapable of doing things. When your mom finally put her foot down, the leeches started to do something on their own – and it may hurt for me to say that, but how is it not true? You said you can’t expect anything from your dad. Why don’t you ask your brother if he’s just going to turn off like his dad Dash is doing nothing all day, relying on someone else to take care of her forever.
Actually don’t, I give bad advice and I tend to be overly direct. But long story short no you’re not the asshole.
[removed]
ESH
YTA for buying something and expecting others to pay for it if they didn’t agree to do so before the purchase. This is true whether or not they would use the item.
Your dad and brother generally suck and you should probably get away from them if/when you can.
If you were expecting them to contribute, you should have discussed the matter with them before buying the washer.
YTA.
Charge him $3 per load until you get $150?
NTA tell him to take his shit to the laundromat.
You said it himself, he has alternative financial priorities.
NTA for expecting him to contribute but he is not going to do so because there are no consequences for him. No consequences = no motivation.
Should have gotten the washer machines that you gotta use quarters for 🤣
nta expectations and reality. be well
Put a coin box on it, and they can pay per use if they don’t want to help pay up front. Mom gets a pass since she’s paying utilities and helped with the cost, but your leech of a brother and father do not.
Maybe they didn’t agree to the purchase up front but you had discussed needing a new machine. And $600 is a pretty decent deal.
NTA
Maybe your brother and dad should be roommates and you are mom should live together, sounds like you would be helping mom out with this suggestion.
NTA. I have a grown son at home still, and we split all the bills. He’s also on the spectrum, but has a job, and contributes both money for things like that or the electric bill. He also brings home groceries. Like any other early 20s male. My wife and I want him to know how to act as a grown man, even though he has processing issues. Making exceptions for him, like sharing bills, doesn’t help him grow.
Do you pay rent ? Give your mother back her $100 and accept that was your contribution to the house .
No you do not get to make household purchases and expect anyone to chip in. You have conversations lesson learned.
NTA, you discussed this before the purchase, the old washer needed to be replaced, and everyone benefits from the purchase. If they don’t want to contribute, they don’t get to use the washer.
Brother sounds like a chip off the old block from the lazy father. Why can’t he do your mum’s washing if he doesn’t work?
Your brother sounds stingy and entitled but there is some truth to what he’s saying that he didn’t ask for the new washing machine. NTA for asking for a contribution but you can’t really force him either. He WBTA for not paying a measly $150 towards it IMO.
If you have space for 2 machines maybe that’s the answer – he sticks with the old one unless he coughs up.
I may be totally wrong but I get the impression your father and brother are kind of leeches.
Take your mom and move out lol (don’t actually do this unless y’all want to and can!)
I don’t understand why you didn’t just buy one used off of Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace. I did so in May, and it was just like brand new for $300.
Maybe go against the grain and say YTA? I mean if he doesn’t care about having a new washing machine it doesn’t really make sense for him to help pay for it.
That being said y’all really need to stop living together lol.
NTA why don’t you and your mom get your own place without the selfish and aggressive deadweight
NTA – They can go to the laundromat. Case closed 😆
First, I don’t like your dad and brother. They’ve weaponized their incompetence and blamed it on their diagnoses.
That said, as shitty as they are, you are responsible for the cost of the washer.
You made the decision to get a new washer on your own. I’m assuming you replaced the old one, so they no longer have the choice to use it. It would be one thing if the old one was completely broken and no one could do their laundry. Then it would be a collective expense.
Charging them to use it (as some commenters have suggested) isn’t fair either. They were fine using the old one, and they shouldn’t have to pay to use a machine they didn’t agree to. Alternatively, you could have taken your clothes to a laundromat, and you wouldn’t have had the up front expense of the washer.
All of this said, I’m sorry you have to deal with your dad and brother’s BS. I don’t blame you for being frustrated.
NTA and I say this as an autistic individual..
Brother knows he needs to step up and so does your father.
They have money, you talked about it enough times to give them a chance to actually contribute to the conversation.
They are being enabled to this behaviour.
Time to either lock the door or move out with mom and let them fend for themselfs.
I lived with my parents for a long time, i payed towards everything I use or maintenance for items (including repairs), its adult life, would I rather buy lego? Suuure, but i rather wash my clothes.
Tbh, every job should deman neat clean clothes where possible and having a rust stained laundry machine, is not okay, this is not a matter of ‘took away the other was machine’ it was broken. It was done for and needed to be replaced.
Two women taking care of two adult men, one who refuses to work and one who refuses to contribute.
Time to move out and let the other adults figure it out without you.
NTA
You made a unilateral decision and after the fact, decided he needed to contribute. This needed to be agreed to in advance. Still, NTA.
At one time I used to take my clothes to a laundromat with a wash and fold service. Different situation but similar in that I was unsatisfied with the washing machine we had, but we were moving soon and I didn’t want to shell out for a new machine I would need to relocate. That was a great luxury having someone else do it.
I let my family bankrupt me. Now that I say no, I never hear from them. If I had it to do all over again when they pulled stuff like this—and they did on the daily-I swear to sweet baby Jesus I’d buy 2 chains, two padlocks and a doohickey to protect the plug/outlet. Their asses can stink or go to the laundromat. And you and your Mom need to bounce.
NTA.