I don’t typically use Reddit but I wanted to get insiders perspective on the situation from people who won’t bs me. Am I (27) an asshole for asking my fiancé(25) to do things around the house? For context we’ve been together for 6yrs. he works 10hr days Monday-Thursday, gets home around 6 every night. He usually eats, plays some video games, and watches stuff on his phone then goes to sleep. He is an outstanding man, he takes care of what I need most of the time, just on his own time. I am disabled and only work part time so about 25-30hrs a week, I can’t drive, and I do most of the cleaning and animal care in our household because I understand he’s tired. But I also get tired of doing everything. Please be honest I can take the criticism thank you all!
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I don’t typically use Reddit but I wanted to get insiders perspective on the situation from people who won’t bs me. Am I am asshole for asking my fiancé to do things around the house? For context he works 10hr days Monday-Thursday, gets home around 6 every night. He usually eats, plays some video games, and watches stuff on his phone then goes to sleep. He is an outstanding man, he takes care of what I need most of the time, just on his own time. I am disabled and only work part time so about 25-30hrs a week, I can’t drive, and I do most of the cleaning and animal care in our household because I understand he’s tired. But I also get tired of doing everything. Please be honest I can take the criticism thank you all!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is my asking more of him than he can provide, it may make me the asshole due to the fact that I work part time and my medical history and lack of motivation stops me from accomplishing the tasks that I need done alone.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Home chores should be divided by time and preferences.
The only thing I say is “you can ask for it to be done or say how to do it, not both” (i.e. if your the one insisting on how the dishwasher is loaded, your now the official user of said dishwasher)
It’s not unreasonable to expect some division of labor.
Info: does he do any chores around the house?
Nah, you’re NTA here. Regardless of hours worked, it’s a shared space, dude’s gotta do his bit too. Being tired ain’t a free pass to duck responsibilities all the time. Good on ya for speaking up, OP! 💪👏🙌🏼
You’re asking the wrong question – it’s not a mater of ‘helping out’ because it’s not that this is all your responsibility and he’d be doing you a favour by taking some of it, it’s all a shared responsibility and the question is what’s a fair way of dividing that shared responsibility up.
You’re working a 25-30 hour week and he’s working 40, so there’s a difference there but not a huge one so if you’re doing basically all the domestic work then you’re NTA for wanting to rebalance that.
Practically, he’s probably not going to be getting a lot done after a ten hour work day so you might need to think about splitting things into ‘daily’ jobs that would have to still be yours and ‘weekly’ jobs that he could do Friday, Saturday. Sunday and see if you can come up with something fair.
An obvious question is whether there are some of those ‘weekly’ tasks that you’re currently doing on days he’s not working that you could just hand over to him.
It also depends on what income you and he generate with your work. If he makes $200k per annum with his 4 day work week while you only bring in $30k then he could reasonably expect you to do most of the house work.
The expectation should be not that you work equal hours, earn equal money or do equal chores, but that you have equal, or equitable, leisure time. You each have one life, and an equal right to relax and recharge. Start the conversation there, and ensure that you both support each other going forward.
NTA. You’re disabled, working, and doing everything while he games after work. That’s not partnership, that’s being a maid.
Why do you have to ask? He lives there too, he should be taking care of the house too.
NTA
when i was a stay at home mom, my husband who also works 10hr days, would come home and immediately help with dinner, kids, and chores do that we could have time together and everything was not defaulted to me.
It’s not unreasonable for him to help esp because if you weren’t there, who would do it?
NTA
> I ask for the laundry to be folded once I have it done, and the dishwasher to be loaded when I have rinsed everything off, it just takes him days
It doesn’t take him days to fold laundry, he’s spinning the task out so that he doesn’t have to do it again.
This is what the rest of your life will be if you don’t nip it in the bud now. Its not “helping”, its him acting like an adult and participating in household tasks
NTA. My logic when it comes to things like this, is if he was living on his own, then he’d have to manage everything by himself so why does he think he doesn’t have to do anything just because another person in the household is doing it.
Does he not do anything at all? What does he do on his 3 days off? Appreciate on the 10 hour days housework might be the bare minimum.
NTA
NTA. Adulting does not only equal working but also being responsible for all things that need taking care of. Depending on how you divide and conquer those responsibilities is up to your individual partnership.
Now, if he is working, doing the grocery shopping, and taking care of outside chores (yard, vehicles, etc) and your doing laundry, pets, and inside chores (cleaning, bathrooms, etc) then that’s how you’ve split up the adult responsibilities. If he only works and plays video games, then you need to have a hard conversation about your partnership. If you don’t, you’re not partners.
My wife has been going through a tough time (extended period of grief) and I took care of everything around the house for almost a year just to make her a little more comfortable. As she has began to make steps in the right direction, I have been asking her to pitch in here and there. It took her a while but she realized what all I had been maintaining on top of my work schedule (9 hours a day, 6 days a week) and she started to pitch in. She also works full time. Maybe try approaching him differently about it. Give him context to interpret your demands before actually making the request. Example, “hey, as your wife it is my duty to love you and support you however I can. That being said, I need some help with some things given my condition and your availability. Can you please start helping me fold clothes when they’re done being washed and _____” giving the context before communicating the rest can be a major communication hack.
Tell him “I wanna see if you do husband dishes or if you do them bf style still?”
NTA what chores does he do. The two of you need to sit down and have a chore discussion. He is not helping out since he also lives there. Stop doing his laundry. I’m not sure if the two of you are planning on having children. Trust me if this situation doesn’t change now it will not change when you have children, it will only get worse.
Help around the house implies that you are the default person to do all of the housework and he is helping you to do it. This is his house too and he is equally responsible for caring for it. You shouldn’t need to ask him for “help”, he should be acting like a grown up and taking care of his home. NTA but you need to set some higher expectations with him for your own sanity.
I think the most fair division of labor is the one where you both have the same amount of free time. I’d look at total free time for each of you and then see if labor needs to change and by how much.
NTA. He can help with small things like unloading the dishes or transferring laundry. Those small things are easy and add up to a lot of help for you.
Not enough information.
Tell us the nature of your disability, the type of work you both do, and the amount/kind or chores
Tell us how much you both make, who pays the bills
We might be able to begin answering this.
NTA
Dude lives there and also contributes to the mess
NTA But you don’t say how old you are or how long you’ve been together…my experience is that it takes a while and some good communication to find the balance that’s fair to both partners. Like, my partner can’t bend and lift much because of a back injury, but he can still change the cat litter so he does that instead of loading the dishwasher (it’s more bending = more pain). He pays all the bills, orders supplies, pays attention to the kid’s clothes and when they’re outgrown and orders new, starts the laundry and I swap it. He’s not doing as much physical labor as I do, but he has totally taken over the mental labor of “his” chores which makes it feel a lot more fair to me. Also, most of the things he’s responsible for are weekly not daily, so he takes care of them on his days off which feels more fair to him because he’s not exhausted by a long day at work when he tackles them; I get a break those days because he takes on meals, and then we do some cleaning together.
If he won’t work with you to find that balance…then he’s the AH.
NTA. This is a relationship killer issue.
See if there’s things he likes doing. I am also takes days to fold laundry (I live alone though) because I absolutely hate it. I like doing dishes. So when I’ve had partners, I’ve always traded laundry for dishes. Sometimes I think these scuffles happen because people just arbitrarily pick chores to hand out, instead of discussing them. You’re NTA, but you need to talk to your partner.
NTA you aren’t his maid and chef. He needs to pull his wait around the house
This is why my goal is to teach my daughters it’s better to be alone than to be with an AH. OP, you’re NTA, your fiancé is. Why are you saying “help” you like he’s doing you a favor?
What is his commute like? You say when he gets home but not when he leaves. Long commutes should be considered “work” time too. I don’t know what your disability is but he is working at least 10 hours more a week than you. Do you honestly spend 10 hours a week with chores? I doubt it but if so then talk to him about dividing things up but not on his 10 hour days. His stuff needs to be on the other 3 days a week. Light YTA.