So, I F am engaged to my fiancé M . We’re both of Arab descent and Muslim, though we’re more culturally Muslim than super practicing — meaning we believe in the principles, but we’re very Americanized and don’t follow everything to the letter. (Please don’t turn this into a religious debate; this isn’t about that.)
Anyway, we were talking today about having kids and the kinds of values or rules we might have for them. I brought up how I used to hate that my parents didn’t let me wear shorts when I was younger. It made me feel like my body was being sexualized when, for me, wearing shorts was just about comfort — nothing more. I also mentioned that I was a cheerleader growing up and how much I loved it.
That’s when he said he would never let his daughters wear shorts or be in cheerleading because he finds it “too suggestive.” That hurt a little, but I said, “Well… I wore shorts and did all-star cheer for years.” And then he goes, “Yeah, I settled.”
I was honestly shocked. I asked him what he meant, and he repeated it. I didn’t even know what to say. It wasn’t about the shorts or cheerleading anymore — it was that the man I’m supposed to marry in a month basically told me I wasn’t what he really wanted, that he “settled” for me.
I told him I was hurt and asked him to leave. He said I acted disrespectfully just because he expressed a difference of opinion and that I “don’t handle not getting my way.” I don’t think that’s true — I think I just don’t want to marry someone who thinks I was some sort of compromise.
I’ve been sitting with this and it still hurts. But now I’m wondering… was I overreacting? AITA for asking him to leave after that comment?
Comments
Nah girl, NTA. “Settled” is what you say about buying off-brand cereal, not your future wife. 🚩 If that’s how he talks before the wedding, imagine the “differences of opinion” he’ll weaponize after. You did the right thing.
INFO: Where did you ask him to leave?
Not sure why you would settle for that being the rest of your life. NTA.
Not over reacting in any way.
That’s a disgusting thing to even think, let alone say to your fiancée.
And you don’t want to marry a man who will treat your daughters that way.
NTA.
Yeah, this is a huge red flag for the future, not just now. Nasty thing to say. I would end it now.
What he is saying to you is your beliefs and observances are beneath him; you are not observant enough for him and he downgraded and decided to lower himself and his expectations to be with you.
You’re a queen and should not be with anyone who feels that they are choosing beneath themselves to be with you.
These are his views. He might have “settled” for you but he has already informed you he will impose them on any future daughters you have. He is saying that his beliefs and choices will trump yours. Can you live with that?
NTA for asking him to leave but you would be TA to yourself if you stay
WOW! NOR!!!
Saying he settled for you is much more than expressing a difference of opinion or you insisting on getting your way. He totally disrespected you.
And while him being upset you wore shorts or a cheerleader is egregious enough keep in mind that he’s telling you he won’t allow his daughters to do such profane things.
Surely you can see there is no hope for a mutual relationship with him.
NTA. You’re the one settling. For an AH.
Secondly, shorts are only “suggestive” if you’re a massive fucking pervert who objectified women.
Girl. Call this off and find someone who isn’t a dick.
Let me see if I have this right. He can insult you and say you’re slutty but he puts up with you, and that’s not disrespectful, but if you’re hurt by hurtful behavior you’re disrespecting him.
Oh hell no.
NOR at all. There’s no coming back from this. Glad you found out now before you married.
NTA. I wouldn’t even consider marrying a man who clearly wants to impose outdated dress codes on his daughter.
If you marry this many you will never been an equal partner. He will always look down on you and expect you to feel grateful that he allowed you to marry above your worth (in his disgusting eyes). And he will oppress his daughters just as much as he will oppress you. He will teach any sons to treat women that way as well. Is that really the life you want?
NTA – Do yourself a favor & move on. Don’t get locked into anything with that person. Why give yourself to someone who thinks they “settled”. Be with someone who knows your worth. And let him know if he ever has a daughter, he won’t be the only parent, so it’s not all up him. I feel sorry for the poor woman who gets stuck with him. Updateme!
NTA imagine if you have a girl together.. he did you a favour by showing you who is really is before marriage. Accept this blessing and RUN
He didn’t just tell you he “settled,” he also told you that you are going to need to do things his way.
NTA.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩run!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You are being told that you are just adequate, and that you and any daughters will be expected to behave according to his rules…he has not been truthful about the extent of his beliefs OP.
Whether that’s a dealbreaker or not is up to you.
Some people want to be married badly enough that they wouldn’t care, they’d marry him anyway. Others would never speak to him again after they said that. I’m in the latter group myself, I don’t have a strong desire to be married, I don’t even want a relationship unless there’s a genuine mutual attachment. And well. Someone who freely admits they’re settling doesn’t feel that way.
NTA that was a hurtful thing to say. Also to consider is if you want to have kids, do you want to marry someone who has such different views from you about stuff like this? Would you want a husband that would make your daughters feel sexualized like you did?
I believe he has shown his true colours so you should end it all now
You acted disrespectful to his insult of you??!?!?! Run!
Leave! I know it sounds like a hassle since you’re engaged but compared to the hassle after marriage it’s nothing! Wish I had a longer engagement to see how my husband acted when he felt safe and engaged and I’d have saved a lot of energy and left too lol. You won’t regret it.
NTA tell him you settled for finding a man that actually wants you.
Don’t walk, run away
NTA. He doesn’t respect you. You should never settle for a man who doesn’t. Do you really want to risk having a daughter with this man?
Girl, run!!!! Call it off. You want somebody who can’t wait to marry you, not “settled”. NTA.
NTA – your fiancé just told you he wouldn’t marry you if the right woman came along. Red flag. He doesn’t love you OP. This is not the foundation of a healthy marriage. Rethink this. I would cancel the wedding.
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Nta. Find someone who’s values are more like your own. Red flags only get worse after you marry, and at that point you can’t just walk away.
Oh my goodness what an insult.
You are not overracting, l would have taken it the same way, it’s a really, really nasty thing to say.
Listen OP, l understand it is now painful and confusing, wondering if you ware oer sensitive, wondering what to do eith al, this, but try to see it as we, outsiders, see it : a guy supposed to love you and respect who you are as a person, with your own wants and needs and quirks, is insulting you, NOW, ALREADY.
What do you think he’ll say and do years from now when you say no to intercourse, when the baby is crying for hours and you’re exhausted, when you’ll gain a few kilos and wrinkles along the way?
And also very important, he shows you already that he is ready to oppress his potential daughters for the sake of his own views, without giving you any input. Do you really think staying with him now and allow him to continue being disrespectful will mellow him for his future daughters? Do you want to raise kids that way?
So, no, NTA and deep down you know it already. Good on you to check with people with an outsider look on this, good for you to ask him to leave,and please make yourself and your future your own priority in your decision.
Best of luck
You didn’t want to make it a religious debate, but I’ve seen often that a lot of these values linger.
Particularly “values” that oppress women lingering with men.
(they have far less problems with ignoring the “no sex before marriage” thing).
Don’t marry him.
Marriage to him will be miserable and not just because he settled.
Note also that he did it as a way to sl*tshame you. This WILL come back after you get married and he WILL use your past against you.
It’s also not unheard of men with a religious background suddenly “finding religion” again after getting married and suddenly want the wife to dress very conservatively and him being boss in the house. He’s showing signs already. His mask is slipping.
NTA he has shown you who he is believe him and do yourself a favour and get rid of him im sure you can do much better.
Good Luck
NTA, move on – chuck this fish back in the sea.
Even if he hadn’t made the “I settled” comment, this guy is obviously controlling and would be a nightmare to parent with if you do have kids.
If someone says they are settling for you, it’s time to go. Thankfully, you got this bit of information prior to the wedding. Go out there and find someone who is thrilled to have you in their life!!
💩💩💩💩🤡🤡🤡🤡
Dump that clown! He insulted you and he’s a chauvinistic 🐷.
This is 2025 not 1125!!! Women don’t take this 💩💩💩 anymore! He’ll talk 💩💩 about you in front of your kids, demean your daughter make her feel less than and teach your son that he 💩💩🌞 out his butt and that women are less than and are just to be subservient.
Just say, “No!’
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA RUN!
Updateme
Luckily he’s shown his true colours he’ll have you wearing a burka once you’re married.
You have no children thank goodness so splitting up will cause you to lose some money being so close to the date , give him back his ring ( handcuffs) and get out.
Tell him you’re going to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and live your life in a bikini or naked if you can find a nudist colony.
Run girl run 🚩
This is not about you getting your way-run.
” I dont want to raise children with you if you’re going to treat them like property and view them in a sexual manner. “
Please don’t marry this person.
NTA change the locks before you break up and don’t break up in private. He may be so insulted that you, a lower person, dares to break up with him that he gets violent.
Good luck, I hope you find a man that is ecstatic to marry you and sees you as an equal partner.
NTA If you stay with this man, you will be settling.
I can only imagine how hurt you are feeling right now. I hope you soon realise he has given you a gift by showing his true colours BEFORE the wedding. I hope you’re calling off the wedding.
Forgot to add NTA
NTA…. Don’t “settle” for this guy! You deserve better. And you definitely deserve someone who follows your line of thinking. If you want your future daughters to be able to do cheerleading, wear shorts and be normal teenagers, then you need someone who is like-minded. And never ever be someone else’s “2nd choice”. You’re NTA, and you are not overreacting. Cut him loose and find someone worthy of your affection.
You know you need to call the wedding off. If he thinks like this now, he’ll be horrible to you once married.
NTA. DO NOT marry this man. He has no respect for you. Breaking off an engagement is nothing like the stress of a divorce with children.
He didn’t just express a difference of opinion. He expects to dictate rules for future children without the wife’s input, along the lines of more traditional Islam than you’re used to, and announced he just settled for you.
Get free of this man.
NTA. I’m sorry this happened but it’s best you learned it now. His view is offensive and his words and mindset are too. I sat here trying to go over in my head what ‘I settled’ could have meant to what you said. But he doubled down instead of giving more insight. Which just means it is how it sounds, imo.
Personally, I’d leave. He wants to play the disrespectful card, you can uno reverse and do the same. Except, you legitimately have reason to feel disrespected.
Children you’d have with him wouldn’t be raised freely, equally or with respect either. I think for yourself and your potential future children, it’s best not to move forward with him as a husband of would-be father.
Wishing you the best, OP!
Even without him saying he settled, do you really want to marry someone who has openly said he plans to treat any daughters the way you were treated, when you know exactly how awful it feels?
NTA. I do not think he is the person you want to marry and have raise your kids and spend the rest of your life with.
Settle for you???? Because your cheerleading shorts wearing self is clearly not good enough for him, but he’ll go ahead and settle for you anyway.?? Excuse me?
This controlling narcissist is going to be the boss of everything and make you feel terrible. He’s revealed his actual thoughts.
And you’re not yet married! What a blessing. You found this out in time.
He slipped. This is what he thinks and feels about you.
That and he’s going to weaponize your upbringing against you… You’re going to be apologizing for wearing skirts.
He probably meant ‘compromised’ on his values but yes he has an attitude that brings stress into your life …imagine your daughter crying to you that it’s hot and even playing ball she can’t wear shorts. How are you going to comfort her when you felt that hurt yourself .
From a basic self-respect standpoint: Absolutely no. This guy isn’t right for you. Don’t “settle” for someone who can talk to you like that!
NTA imagine how this man will act towards your daughters if he thinks women wearing shorts is suggestive. I would have no patience for having to argue with a man about these pathetic beliefs.
Move on and find a man who is more intelligent. It won’t be difficult.
NTA. Madonna said: « Don’t settle for second best, baby, put your love to the test». And he does have different values when it comes to daughters
I’m sure there are many issues breaking off the marriage, but I think you have the right values and you should stick by them and not accept to be «settled for». it will also taint your relationship with future children
Ask him ‘Settled for what exactly’? He’s acting like some sort of prize you won. Maybe it’s you who’s settling for him.
If someone shows you who they are believe them, also the thing about you not handling getting your own way was him describing himself. He meant what he said cancel the engagement.
That is not a difference of opinion. That is massive disrespect and a declaration that he will be misogynistic and oppress any female children you may have.
If you marry this jerk YOU would be the one settling for less than you deserve. Contempt does not make for a happy marriage. NTA.
NTA he’s not your person. Anyone who says they settled for me would be gone from my life immediately.
This is a deal-breaker. I really hate this part of the Muslim faith. It is very similar to the Evangelicals. The put the blame on the female for being a temptation when in fact, it is the men that arrr ed thff ed problem. If you look at an under-age fifl in shorts and get sexually aroused, you are a creep. Most men don’t think like this. Only men who see all females as prospects. NTA but please re-think the engagement. This ay be the tip of the ice berg of things you don’t agree upon.
You disrespected him?!
Boy, BYE! 👋🤣