Am I the asshole? I know sleep is a sore subject and when you haven’t gotten a lot you can act differently than you normally would. So with that out of the way, I had already been struggling to sleep this night and most nights. I usually wake up having to pee(I know I should drink less liquids) and then get back in bed usually very tired and ready to go to bed. However my partner sometimes moves a lot while I am trying to sleep, like once every ten minutes. I know this isn’t his fault so I don’t blame him or anything just try to keep sleeping. Tonight, when I got back in the bed his pillow was shoved under the corner of my pillow, making it impossible for mine to even lay flat. I told him hey your pillow is under mine and moved it a little. I thinks this jarred him awake making him upset and I believe he hasn’t gotten the sleep he has been needing. He gets up in a huff goes to the bathroom then comes back to tell me something and I say we can discuss is in the morning as I don’t want to argue I just want to sleep. He comes back with yeah I wish you would have done that. As in not woken him up to tell him about his pillow….. I am really not sure here. Though I know I exhibited asshole behavior I don’t think I was overtly trying to be one or selfish? I take up only a 1/4 of the bed 🙁 I just wanna sleep guys
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Am I the asshole? I know sleep is a sore subject and when you haven’t gotten a lot you can act differently than you normally would. So with that out of the way, I had already been struggling to sleep this night and most nights. I usually wake up having to pee(I know I should drink less liquids) and then get back in bed usually very tired and ready to go to bed. However my partner sometimes moves a lot while I am trying to sleep, like once every ten minutes. I know this isn’t his fault so I don’t blame him or anything just try to keep sleeping. Tonight, when I got back in the bed his pillow was shoved under the corner of my pillow, making it impossible for mine to even lay flat. I told him hey your pillow is under mine and moved it a little. I thinks this jarred him awake making him upset and I believe he hasn’t gotten the sleep he has been needing. He gets up in a huff goes to the bathroom then comes back to tell me something and I say we can discuss is in the morning as I don’t want to argue I just want to sleep. He comes back with yeah I wish you would have done that. As in not woken him up to tell him about his pillow….. I am really not sure here. Though I know I exhibited asshole behavior I don’t think I was overtly trying to be one or selfish? I take up only a 1/4 of the bed 🙁 I just wanna sleep guys
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been rude with how I said we will talk about it in the morning, however all he said was my name in a sharp angry tone so I assumed he did not have something nice to say
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You did not exhibit poor behaviour, you exhibited normal behaviour. Your sleep is just as important as his and his moving around is not a reason to deprive you of sleep.
Rest easy!
Soft YTA. Sure move his pillow a bit. But waking him up by telling him his pillow is in your way? Why would you do that?
NTA
You behaved totally reasonably. Your issue with the pillow couldn’t wait until morning. Your sleep matters too
INFO could you have moved his pillow from under yours without waking him?
As it stands NTA and you had every right to wake him up to move his pillow as it was effecting your ability to sleep and you would not have been able to sleep otherwise whereas he was able to go back to sleep once he moved it.
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your sleep is just as important, and it was necessary to wake him up so you could get it. His response was an overreaction, as if you had tried to start a full blown conversation rather than simply asking him to move his pillow from under yours
NTA – This sounds perfectly reasonable to me as you need to be able to sleep well and you can’t when your pillow isn’t flat. If he went to the bathroom then he would have had to wake up at some point anyway.
NTA. And now, for a mini-rant about beds:
Sleeping in the same bed as your partner is great IF it works for BOTH of you. There’s a lot of societal pressure that says if you have separate beds your relationship is broken, but lack of sleep will break a relationship too.
In the ideal world, the person who’s moving around all the time would be the one to seek a solution, but that appears not to be happening, so I think you should take matters into your own hands and get your own bed or other sleeping spot. You’re already taking up only a quarter of the bed so apparently it doesn’t have to be very big!
NTA
OP, a bit of your post has me concerned about deeper issues and there’s a few red flags. You seem very apologetic and your partner seems rather gruff. Do you have a professional you can talk to about your relationship?
Nta but maybe consider a bigger or separate beds. I shove my partner sometimes to stop his snoring but even if he sort of wakes up he never remembers in the morning.
NTA. For the record, the appropriate response from your partner is to mumble, “Sorry, Honey,” and drag his pillow back and go back to sleep. People who turn innocuous situations into transgressions are childish and tiresome.
You should have just moved his pillow out from under yours without waking him up.
NTA. Good sleep is important and your request was reasonable. Hopefully they were just grumpy from being woken up unexpectedly. But OP, don’t be afraid to take up space in the bed! It’s your bed too! If you guys can’t both sleep comfortably it may be worth considering a bigger bed or even separate sleeping arrangements
YTA.
Needing sleep is no excuse for being an AH. In this case it was all about your sleep and not your partner’s sleep.
That’s where the AH train went off the rails.
You, you, you. You felt you were so important that you needed to disturb his sleep to make your point. And then, when he’s awake, you tell him not to bother you because you’re trying to sleep.
You are the conductor on the AH Train.
You admit you’re the AH, and you’re here looking for people to tell you you’re not. Well, you are. Being sleep deprived doesn’t give you a free pass.
Take a gummy, head for the guest room, hit the couch, whatever.
But don’t be an AH.
“I take up only 1/4 of the bed”
Oh HELL no. If he’s going to encroach on the little space you have and then get shirty about being asked to move, he can have his expectations forcibly reset. Mark off half EXACTLY with tape or a marker or whatever, tell him to stay on HIS damn side from now on, and get the sleep you need and deserve. Reclaim your space, queen.
NTA.
I would’ve just moved the pillow without speaking to him, and this would have been back in 1998, because I’ve had separate bedrooms ever since. I’m a light sleeper, and can’t share a bed.
I can’t tell if your fiancé overreacted or was just grumpy from being woken up, as I would be. What’s he like when he’s awake?
NTA. My husband and I slept separately and it greatly reduced issues like this.
YTA. Because of a double standard, you can wake him up but after you’ve woken him up you don’t want him to keep you awake. I hope you tried to move his pillow first, then ask him but you can’t get mad that he says something about being woken up if you didn’t try to fix the situation first.
PSA: In a house with an ABUSER, only their: time, space, emotions, SLEEP, comfort, preferences, will be prioritized.
I lived with it long enough to recognize it when I hear it. You’re not safe with this man.