My friends Bea, Cat and I planned a reunion. We share a mutual friend, Ann, who has the tendency to be toxic, so we didn’t invite her. One day, Ann messaged Bea out of the blue, Bea felt guilty and decided to invite Ann who offered to let us stay at her apartment walking distance from the beach.
Two few weeks before, I messaged the group chat asking a logistics question. Ann was evasive, said wild things for shock value, and didn’t give a clear answer. I was frustrated and after a few back and forths stopped responding. The next day Ann said something unrelated and none of us responded. That night she apologized for “joking around too much” and finally answered my question. Cool, except she went on to shame me for asking. I didn’t have the energy to respond, so I said nothing, neither did anyone else.
I messaged Bea and Cat about getting an Airbnb due to logistics and they agreed, but we didn’t make any final decisions.
The following night, Ann messaged the group saying she was feeling awkward with all the radio silence. I playfully said that things get awkward when you say weird shit and that I’d message her privately. Due to our dynamic, I didn’t think she’d be offended, but, she said, “fuck you.”
I messaged her privately to explain why I asked, and that I was hurt that she tried to make me feel bad for asking. Then she told me I was no longer welcome to stay at her home. I fucked up and said “we” already decided we weren’t going to stay with her. She said, “fuck you and your private group chat,” I said, “sorry things didn’t work out” and that was that.
I knew it was wrong, and immediately told Bea and Cat what I did, apologized for blowing up their spot and prepared them for Ann’s wrath. I told them I’d apologize to Ann when the dust settled.
In 1on1 chats, Ann lashed out at Bea and Cat. No matter how much they reassured Ann that we weren’t trying to exclude her, she wouldn’t let up. She said they should have stuck up for her in the group chat, that I was being unreasonable and “how dare” they say that she could have handled the situation better. She continued to push them away and acted childish.
The next day I apologized to Ann. One minute she’s vulnerable, the next she’s catty. I told her that the 4 of us should get an Airbnb. She said no. I said that she should take some time to think about it. She said no again.
While this was happening, Bea told me and Cat she was done with Ann and thinks us 3 should do our own thing. Cat agreed instantly. I explained that I was currently trying to patch things up with Ann and already invited her to an Airbnb, but they didn’t even want to see her anymore.
I wanted to give Ann one last chance, so I told her that if she turns down the Airbnb, us 3 would be doing this trip without her, and is she sure that’s what she wants. No response. Ann then messaged Bea saying, “if it’s an Airbnb count me out,” Bea gave a 👍
We ended up doing our own thing and never saw Ann while we were there. Now she hates me. AITA?
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My friends Bea, Cat and I planned a reunion. We share a mutual friend, Ann, who has the tendency to be toxic, so we didn’t invite her. One day, Ann messaged Bea out of the blue, Bea felt guilty and decided to invite Ann who offered to let us stay at her apartment walking distance from the beach.
Two few weeks before, I messaged the group chat asking a logistics question. Ann was evasive, said wild things for shock value, and didn’t give a clear answer. I was frustrated and after a few back and forths stopped responding. The next day Ann said something unrelated and none of us responded. That night she apologized for “joking around too much” and finally answered my question. Cool, except she went on to shame me for asking. I didn’t have the energy to respond, so I said nothing, neither did anyone else.
I messaged Bea and Cat about getting an Airbnb due to logistics and they agreed, but we didn’t make any final decisions.
The following night, Ann messaged the group saying she was feeling awkward with all the radio silence. I playfully said that things get awkward when you say weird shit and that I’d message her privately. Due to our dynamic, I didn’t think she’d be offended, but, she said, “fuck you.”
I messaged her privately to explain why I asked, and that I was hurt that she tried to make me feel bad for asking. Then she told me I was no longer welcome to stay at her home. I fucked up and said “we” already decided we weren’t going to stay with her. She said, “fuck you and your private group chat,” I said, “sorry things didn’t work out” and that was that.
I knew it was wrong, and immediately told Bea and Cat what I did, apologized for blowing up their spot and prepared them for Ann’s wrath. I told them I’d apologize to Ann when the dust settled.
In 1on1 chats, Ann lashed out at Bea and Cat. No matter how much they reassured Ann that we weren’t trying to exclude her, she wouldn’t let up. She said they should have stuck up for her in the group chat, that I was being unreasonable and “how dare” they say that she could have handled the situation better. She continued to push them away and acted childish.
The next day I apologized to Ann. One minute she’s vulnerable, the next she’s catty. I told her that the 4 of us should get an Airbnb. She said no. I said that she should take some time to think about it. She said no again.
While this was happening, Bea told me and Cat she was done with Ann and thinks us 3 should do our own thing. Cat agreed instantly. I explained that I was currently trying to patch things up with Ann and already invited her to an Airbnb, but they didn’t even want to see her anymore.
I wanted to give Ann one last chance, so I told her that if she turns down the Airbnb, us 3 would be doing this trip without her, and is she sure that’s what she wants. No response. Ann then messaged Bea saying, “if it’s an Airbnb count me out,” Bea gave a 👍
We ended up doing our own thing and never saw Ann while we were there. Now she hates me. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I had conflict with a friend in a group chat and told her the others and I decided not to stay with her when we visited.
2. It wasn’t my place to speak for others and it hurt her feelings which caused to her to be rude to our other friends, which made them not want to see her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO – what did you ask that started all this drama?
This all sounds really overdramatic.
Why are you still trying to be friends with this person? No, you’re NTA, but you need to just cut ties and let your friends communicate with Ann on their own. You apologized for including them when you said “we” made our own decision, and that should have been the end of it. Any further conversations shouldn’t have involved all of you, that’s WAY too messy and sounds like middle school drama. This had my head spinning and gave me flashbacks to when I was 13. Also, you guys WERE 100% trying to exclude her, so stop lying to her. At least give her that respect and be honest. She sounds like a toxic person to be around, but lying to her and pretending she’s not isn’t doing her any favors.
Bottom line, 3 of the 4 people wanted an AirBnB, and the 4th opted out. So NAH on the trip planning.
But what was the “logistics question” that got Ann all riled up? Possibly something about how big her apartment was or where you’re all going to sleep? What were the “wild things” by her for shock value?
Without knowing this, it’s impossible to say whether either side had a right to be offended, on the “interpersonal communication” portion.
YTA After all that mess Ann pulled your still trying to accomodate toxicity?! Even if she agreed to go to that Airbnb its obviously she wouldve gave you all a hard time the entire trip. I understand you want to be a good person and include her but ingoring red flags wont make them go away.
Seems like a lot of missing or intentionally skipped information here. “I messaged the group chat asking a logistics question. Ann was evasive, said wild things for shock value, and didn’t give a clear answer” what is that all about? It seems like this is what set Ann off- what was this innocent logistics question?
What happened between Ann and the other girls that they were so DONE with her in such a finite way?
I don’t think you’re the AH for getting an Airbnb or that you didn’t see Ann while you were there- but you’re kind of the AH for giving us half the story here.
YTA for continuing to ask Ann to stay in the Airbnb when Bea and Cat don’t want her there. Bea and Cat have made it clear they don’t want to share space with her and don’t want any more drama. If you want to try to fix things with Ann you need to do it on your own and not involve Cat and Bea. If I were them I would be very angry if you actually got the drama lama to come to the Airbnb, that is going to absoutly ruin the trip.
ESH, you blame Bea for inviting Ann but you were still trying to include her in the Airbnb. You kept undercutting each other’s attempts at boundaries.
Stop caring what Ann thinks of you.
nah you’re not the ah. you asked a simple question, she made it weird, then doubled down on the weird. group trips need clarity, not chaos. she kinda uninvited herself tbh.
Why is everyone bendng over backwards for a person you all claim is toxic?
I agree with the others, you should have stopped when your 2 other friends didnt want her at the bnb, instead of inviting her and giving her a last chance to come. What was the point of it, to make yourself appear better or do you have issues with being a people pleaser. She should have never been invited in the first place. ESH
YTA for encouraging drama. You know she’s toxic and unreliable but chose to stay at her house? Come on.
INFO: What was the question you asked, and what was the “wild things for shock value” that she said?
YTA and honestly when you describe Ann as toxic, it kind of comes off as “the rest of us mean girl Ann and she doesn’t just sit and take it, so she must be toxic”