I (42F) have been best friends with “Allie” (44F) for almost 20 years. Allie and I met when we were both struggling single moms, and we supported each other through that time in our lives. We survived it together and became more like family than friends. We used to be together every single day and even after almost 20 years, we still talk to each other all throughout the day, every day.
13 years ago, I remarried and my husband and I had a surprise honeymoon baby. Our son is disabled, and the past 12 years have been an enormous struggle for our family. Sleep deprivation, PTSD, lots of trauma, and extreme poverty… Our sweet boy requires around-the-clock care, and my husband provides most of that and I work 12+ hrs a day, almost every day. Our whole life is about providing him the best care he can possibly receive and we have ZERO regrets about that. But we are human and there is only so much we can do and only so many hours in a day. And with only me able to work, we are still struggling financially.
Allie’s life has taken a very different path. She was able to get a great job through some connections she had and she makes INCREDIBLE money. She is able to take lots of time off from work and she travels the world. She has multiple cars as a single woman, just for fun. She has an amazing life that most people would dream of having, and I am genuinely happy for her!
Allie also unfortunately has a propensity for deadbeat men. This is important to the story….She ends up financially supporting them, and they mistreat her and worse. She gives them money. She gives them their own credit cards. She has even dated convicts and pays their probabtion fines. And that’s her prerogative.
Even with all I have been through, I have never asked Allie for help. And she has never offered. But things have been especially hard lately, and the stress is taking a toll on my body and my health (which Allie knows all about.) And I finally broke down. I asked her to borrow some money. It was not a large sum of money. Just a little to help me through a couple of weeks.
And she….stopped talking to me. She didn’t even say no. She just stopped talking to me altogether. Nothing. That’s it.
I don’t know what will happen now, but do I seriously deserve this? After all these years? And after I have watched her pour money into these horrible men, and then basically apparently refuse to help me, what am I supposed to think? Honestly, I don’t even know what to think…… Am I the asshole for asking her to help me?
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I (42F) have been best friends with “Allie” (44F) for almost 20 years. Allie and I met when we were both struggling single moms, and we supported each other through that time in our lives. We survived it together and became more like family than friends. We used to be together every single day and even after almost 20 years, we still talk to each other all throughout the day, every day.
13 years ago, I remarried and my husband and I had a surprise honeymoon baby. Our son is disabled, and the past 12 years have been an enormous struggle for our family. Sleep deprivation, PTSD, lots of trauma, and extreme poverty… Our sweet boy requires around-the-clock care, and my husband provides most of that and I work 12+ hrs a day, almost every day. Our whole life is about providing him the best care he can possibly receive and we have ZERO regrets about that. But we are human and there is only so much we can do and only so many hours in a day. And with only me able to work, we are still struggling financially.
Allie’s life has taken a very different path. She was able to get a great job through some connections she had and she makes INCREDIBLE money. She is able to take lots of time off from work and she travels the world. She has multiple cars as a single woman, just for fun. She has an amazing life that most people would dream of having, and I am genuinely happy for her!
Allie also unfortunately has a propensity for deadbeat men. This is important to the story….She ends up financially supporting them, and they mistreat her and worse. She gives them money. She gives them their own credit cards. She has even dated convicts and pays their probabtion fines. And that’s her prerogative.
Even with all I have been through, I have never asked Allie for help. And she has never offered. But things have been especially hard lately, and the stress is taking a toll on my body and my health (which Allie knows all about.) And I finally broke down. I asked her to borrow some money. It was not a large sum of money. Just a little to help me through a couple of weeks.
And she….stopped talking to me. She didn’t even say no. She just stopped talking to me altogether. Nothing. That’s it.
I don’t know what will happen now, but do I seriously deserve this? After all these years? And after I have watched her pour money into these horrible men, and then basically apparently refuse to help me, what am I supposed to think? Honestly, I don’t even know what to think…… Am I the asshole for asking her to help me?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my best friend for money. I live in poverty, and she is very well-off financially, so I asked her for help. In 20 years, I have never asked her for help but I am desperate. We are best friends. We have been together almost every day for 20 years. And as soon as I asked her for help, she cut me off. Was I wrong to expect her to help me after 20 years of freindship??
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for asking her or for how you feel about her reaction. While she isn’t obliged to help you financially, a friend should at least stay in contact and offer emotional support. It’s taken a lot of years but you’ve finally seen who she is.
NTA. You asked. She could have just said no. To just stop talking to you after all this time is awful.
NTA at all. Of course she was entitled to say no, but to respond by cutting you off was horrible behaviour. She clearly isn’t the person that you thought she was, and not a true friend.
INFO: Have you ever expressed your opinion of Allie’s men to Allie, the same way that you’ve expressed it here? Or have you kept quiet about it around her?
NTA, You fell on hard times and ask for assistance from someone you thought you could confide in. As long as you weren’t pushy and didn’t bring up the “deadbeat men” AND it’s not a regular occurrence I don’t personally see a problem with asking. It was also very brave to ask it’s hard to admit when help is needed. Just for info may I ask in a ballpark how much you asked? I completely understand if you are not comfortable with answering!
NTA – she’s watched you struggle for this long and never offered. Then ghosted you when you asked, knowing it wasn’t a regularly occurring. Wishing you the best, OP. Hopefully, you find a true friend soon.
NTA. I lost a friendship when, during a time of real desperation (I was living in my car) I finally reached out to someone who I thought was a true friend. She had her husband talk to me, she wouldn’t even get on the phone. And of course she wouldn’t help me. I later learned that some things were said.