Hi THT 🙂 i’m a longtime fan but a first time poster!
I (29f) have a friend group of five women and their husbands (all between 33 and 45, straight couples) and all of their amazing young children. I am the only single one in the group without children and so I’m considered the auntie. We are all very close, Have a big group chat and sub group chats to plan birthday parties for whoever is not on that group chat or discuss plans when we know one person won’t be able to join for whatever reason. The group chats are constantly going off with casual conversation throughout the day and every once in a while a plan is made in those group chat chats, but it’s typically communicated with a Google invite. We treat each other like chosen family.
So my friend group is very open and casual with each other. A lot of our conversations are about sex. Not like joking occasionally, but constant, graphic, and personal. For context, I was a sex educator in grad school and I’m comfortable with educational topics. But they love to share really explicit personal anecdotes, gross details, and inside jokes about their sex lives. I have made it very clear in group conversations, and one on one conversations with people in the group that I am uncomfortable when the sex talk leaves a place of education and normalizing to a place of vulgarity and exposing too much about their partners.
It’s been going on for over a year and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have a trauma history with SA/R, and I’ve told them that I don’t feel comfortable with this kind of conversation. For a long time, whenever sex talk started, I would excuse myself. I even had side conversations with some of them about how pathological it feels, and how much they reveal about their partners without consent. One couple was also revealed that they have a covert toy and could be using it to pleasure themselves while we were in the room with their kids in the room as well. That makes me extremely uncomfortable and when that toy was introduced, I pulled back how often I hung out with that group immediately.
After a year of quietly excusing myself, I started saying things like “gross” whenever the vulgar sex talk came up, even in the group chat.
Then recently, one couple came back from an anniversary trip to a group dinner, and as soon as they walked in the door (with their 5 and 6 year old kids right there) everyone crowded around them asking vulgar questions about how much sex they had.
I immediately felt my trauma boil up, and I snapped. I told the group I did not consent to being part of their intercourse talk, that it’s disgusting and borderline pathological, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I removed myself from the hangout.
When I checked my phone minutes later, I saw another vulgar sex joke in the group chat (from the woman with the covert toy). I had that chat muted for a long time, but I finally decided to remove myself from it altogether.
The next morning (after sobbing all night), I realized I could have worded things kinder, but I was in a trauma state. I reached out and apologized to the host (whose house it was, and who is usually the one most fixated on sex). I sent her a long apology for being disrespectful in her space, acknowledged I could have been gentler, but also reiterated that I’d explained my boundaries many times before and didn’t feel safe. She said she was upset, asked for space, and told me it was disrespectful to target her in her own house. That was not true, I talked to the group is a whole, but she took it on personally because she is the perpetrator of the majority of the sex talk (which I acknowledged in the text when she made it clear that she thought I was targeting her).
It’s been weeks now. At first, I felt like the villain. But now I’m realizing my boundaries were repeatedly violated, despite me excusing myself, explaining, and speaking up for over a year. They told me leaving the group chat was “too extreme” because it looked like I was denouncing the overly sexualized woman who happened to send the last text. But honestly, my trauma was what drove that decision.
Since stepping back, I feel so much better not being surrounded by the constant chatter. They used to make me feel bad for missing group hangouts that I didn’t see come through the chat because I’m not willing to sift through hundreds of notifications to find the one that’s going to tell me where everyone’s hanging out especially when some of the bigger items there quick to put on a Google calendar, which I do check). But the group still thinks I’m the bad guy. They’ve basically said: “That’s just how we are. If you want to be in the group, you’ll have to accept it.” It hurts that my friends, who called themselves my family, aren’t willing to hold off sex talk for a couple hours a week so I can feel safe. Even my best friend in the entire world, deciding with this group while still trying to talk to me and work through my feelings.
To make things worse, someone retold the story of that night back to me, but their version doesn’t line up with what I do remember before I blacked out from trauma. Also, some people are being petty; one woman wasn’t even in the room or part of the sex talk, yet refuses to acknowledge my apology. Others claim they were “extremely hurt,” when honestly, the worst thing I said was that their sex talk is constant, vulgar, and disgusting.
Overall, I’m really hurt that this group that tried to cell phone being so open and accepting and safe do not care for my trauma history. It feels like I’ve re-entered the trauma space when nobody believed that I was SAed in grad school. The feelings are all back just the same as when the SA/R happened to me.
So Reddit: AITA for yelling at my friend group that I don’t consent to their sex talk, calling it disgusting, and then leaving the group chat?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi THT 🙂 i’m a longtime fan but a first time poster!
I (29f) have a friend group of five women and their husbands (all between 33 and 45, straight couples) and all of their amazing young children. I am the only single one in the group without children and so I’m considered the auntie. We are all very close, Have a big group chat and sub group chats to plan birthday parties for whoever is not on that group chat or discuss plans when we know one person won’t be able to join for whatever reason. The group chats are constantly going off with casual conversation throughout the day and every once in a while a plan is made in those group chat chats, but it’s typically communicated with a Google invite. We treat each other like chosen family.
So my friend group is very open and casual with each other. A lot of our conversations are about sex. Not like joking occasionally, but constant, graphic, and personal. For context, I was a sex educator in grad school and I’m comfortable with educational topics. But they love to share really explicit personal anecdotes, gross details, and inside jokes about their sex lives. I have made it very clear in group conversations, and one on one conversations with people in the group that I am uncomfortable when the sex talk leaves a place of education and normalizing to a place of vulgarity and exposing too much about their partners.
It’s been going on for over a year and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have a trauma history with SA/R, and I’ve told them that I don’t feel comfortable with this kind of conversation. For a long time, whenever sex talk started, I would excuse myself. I even had side conversations with some of them about how pathological it feels, and how much they reveal about their partners without consent. One couple was also revealed that they have a covert toy and could be using it to pleasure themselves while we were in the room with their kids in the room as well. That makes me extremely uncomfortable and when that toy was introduced, I pulled back how often I hung out with that group immediately.
After a year of quietly excusing myself, I started saying things like “gross” whenever the vulgar sex talk came up, even in the group chat.
Then recently, one couple came back from an anniversary trip to a group dinner, and as soon as they walked in the door (with their 5 and 6 year old kids right there) everyone crowded around them asking vulgar questions about how much sex they had.
I immediately felt my trauma boil up, and I snapped. I told the group I did not consent to being part of their intercourse talk, that it’s disgusting and borderline pathological, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I removed myself from the hangout.
When I checked my phone minutes later, I saw another vulgar sex joke in the group chat (from the woman with the covert toy). I had that chat muted for a long time, but I finally decided to remove myself from it altogether.
The next morning (after sobbing all night), I realized I could have worded things kinder, but I was in a trauma state. I reached out and apologized to the host (whose house it was, and who is usually the one most fixated on sex). I sent her a long apology for being disrespectful in her space, acknowledged I could have been gentler, but also reiterated that I’d explained my boundaries many times before and didn’t feel safe. She said she was upset, asked for space, and told me it was disrespectful to target her in her own house. That was not true, I talked to the group is a whole, but she took it on personally because she is the perpetrator of the majority of the sex talk (which I acknowledged in the text when she made it clear that she thought I was targeting her).
It’s been weeks now. At first, I felt like the villain. But now I’m realizing my boundaries were repeatedly violated, despite me excusing myself, explaining, and speaking up for over a year. They told me leaving the group chat was “too extreme” because it looked like I was denouncing the overly sexualized woman who happened to send the last text. But honestly, my trauma was what drove that decision.
Since stepping back, I feel so much better not being surrounded by the constant chatter. They used to make me feel bad for missing group hangouts that I didn’t see come through the chat because I’m not willing to sift through hundreds of notifications to find the one that’s going to tell me where everyone’s hanging out especially when some of the bigger items there quick to put on a Google calendar, which I do check). But the group still thinks I’m the bad guy. They’ve basically said: “That’s just how we are. If you want to be in the group, you’ll have to accept it.” It hurts that my friends, who called themselves my family, aren’t willing to hold off sex talk for a couple hours a week so I can feel safe. Even my best friend in the entire world, deciding with this group while still trying to talk to me and work through my feelings.
To make things worse, someone retold the story of that night back to me, but their version doesn’t line up with what I do remember before I blacked out from trauma. Also, some people are being petty; one woman wasn’t even in the room or part of the sex talk, yet refuses to acknowledge my apology. Others claim they were “extremely hurt,” when honestly, the worst thing I said was that their sex talk is constant, vulgar, and disgusting.
Overall, I’m really hurt that this group that tried to cell phone being so open and accepting and safe do not care for my trauma history. It feels like I’ve re-entered the trauma space when nobody believed that I was SAed in grad school. The feelings are all back just the same as when the SA/R happened to me.
So Reddit: AITA for yelling at my friend group that I don’t consent to their sex talk, calling it disgusting, and then leaving the group chat?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
No
Title is misleading
I’m not gonna lie, this is a very weird group dynamic. I would never talk so openly about sex with my friends or family (since you mentioned they’re chosen family). Even more so it would not be happening after one member expressed how uncomfortable it makes them.
NTA but your friend group is weird. Crowding a couple coming back from vacation and immediately asking them sex questions???
I can’t read all that. But friends that ignore boundaries aren’t friends.
NTA. Leave the group for on well being. They don’t respect your boundaries and seems that can only exist if they are constantly speaking about their sex lives.
You live a different live to them, why are you so keen to be part of it? It feels like a vegan joined a meat club and complaining about they always talk about meat…
I’m betting they’re swingers, so of course you feel out of place. Keep them at arms length and try finding friends that share your values, maybe?
OP, you have realized that they are all toxic abd don’t take your feelings into account. You said you feel lighter without all their nonsense. Make the break permanent. Block them all and move on and heal yourself