So, to start, i am 17F, My boyfriend is 19M, And all of my friends in this post are about 17/18F. Yesterday, my and my boyfriend offered to drive us and 3 of my friends to a local swimming spot, about half an hour away. It was a whim decision, and after we went swimming my boyfriend offered to drive us down to burger king. My friends ordered about 40 dollars worth of food, and then one of them demanded he buy her ice cream. I tried asking for her to pay for it before they got out, to which she said “well you want ice cream too just make the man pay” The next day I texted the groupchat asking if we could possibly split the cost, since my boyfriend paid for everything + gas and it was quite expensive, considering all of the upcoming bills he has to pay. One of my friends (let’s call her sam) said “Yeah i’ll pay when i get money i have nothing right now” to which I said “if you have none it’s okay but anything helps” (or something along the lines of that). My other friend, the one who demanded the ice cream, said that she was broke and wasn’t going to pay, and that we shouldn’t have offered if we couldn’t afford it, and that my boyfriend can pay for his own bills. She stated that since i broke her headphones the hour before (which i already paid for before this happened) that we were even. She then said that Sam only offered because she was a people pleaser, and that she also was not going to pay. She then said that none of them would hangout with people who ask people without jobs to pay for things, and then i was blocked by her and sam. There is a third friend who currently hasn’t seen any messages or replied, but we are the closest out of the three so who knows what will happen.
So, am i the asshole? personally i think it was just common decency to split the bill, or maybe we just shouldn’t have done it
Side note- this hangout happened bc sam + the ice cream girl were going to hangout with someone they didn’t really like out of force, and when i offered to take them somewhere else they JUMPED on it. ice cream girl said that since i offered and forced them ditch other plans it’s my bill
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So, to start, i am 17F, My boyfriend is 19M, And all of my friends in this post are about 17/18F. Yesterday, my and my boyfriend offered to drive us and 3 of my friends to a local swimming spot, about half an hour away. It was a whim decision, and after we went swimming my boyfriend offered to drive us down to burger king. My friends ordered about 40 dollars worth of food, and then one of them demanded he buy her ice cream. I tried asking for her to pay for it before they got out, to which she said “well you want ice cream too just make the man pay” The next day I texted the groupchat asking if we could possibly split the cost, since my boyfriend paid for everything + gas and it was quite expensive, considering all of the upcoming bills he has to pay. One of my friends (let’s call her sam) said “Yeah i’ll pay when i get money i have nothing right now” to which I said “if you have none it’s okay but anything helps” (or something along the lines of that). My other friend, the one who demanded the ice cream, said that she was broke and wasn’t going to pay, and that we shouldn’t have offered if we couldn’t afford it, and that my boyfriend can pay for his own bills. She stated that since i broke her headphones the hour before (which i already paid for before this happened) that we were even. She then said that Sam only offered because she was a people pleaser, and that she also was not going to pay. She then said that none of them would hangout with people who ask people without jobs to pay for things, and then i was blocked by her and sam. There is a third friend who currently hasn’t seen any messages or replied, but we are the closest out of the three so who knows what will happen.
So, am i the asshole? personally i think it was just common decency to split the bill, or maybe we just shouldn’t have done it
Side note- this hangout happened bc sam + the ice cream girl were going to hangout with someone they didn’t really like out of force, and when i offered to take them somewhere else they JUMPED on it. ice cream girl said that since i offered and forced them ditch other plans it’s my bill
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i offered to take them, and they don’t have much money. i don’t know if it makes me the asshole or not.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but I’ll say that you should’ve probably made it clear that you weren’t buying them lunch before going to Burger King.
Sam’s reaction to the whole thing tells me she’s not really your friend. She’s a mooch.
Ehhhhhh. NTA for asking, but your boyfriend should’ve declined in the first place (with your active support as needed). Once he agreed to pay with nothing in place about him being paid back, and especially after them paying was discussed and declined, it’s a lot muddier.
That said this girl sounds like a pain and super entitled, and I wouldn’t hang out with her anymore. Or Sam, I guess, since he’s thrown in with her.
Y’all are super young and straddling the line between adult and child, so just take it as a learning experience: in a circumstance like this, if you (or your boyfriend) agree to pay for something without being paid back, you can’t then expect to then be paid back. (Though you can politely ask, and a real friend will at least be nice about it, even if they can’t afford to do it.)
But trust me when I say that sometimes the dollar amount in a situation like this is cheap vs learning not to spend time with someone like that in the long run.
NTA. But your “friends” might be. If you don’t have a job can’t afford to buy your own food don’t go to Burger King. I think you learned a lesson here. Next time make sure everyone understands what the payment arrangements are and if you’re at a place like Burger King where everybody can order for themselves just have people order for themselves.
NTA, BUT You need new friends!
NTA at alll girll – find yourself some friends who’ll actually treaty you with human decency. I’m suprised you’ve hanged around them and their gaslightery for this long. Your BF too he’s enduring all of this and not stirring up anything which is very respectable. This is clearly some sort of set up and if you don’t speak now – they’ll assume that you won’t speak up the next time they do this
Your “friends” sound exhausting. Take heed and save yourself a bunch of headaches down the line. They aren’t worth it.
NTA. Your friends aren’t actually friends – they’re taking advantage of you. I know at 17 or 19 you feel quite old, but you’ll still find you have a lot to learn about the different types of people out there, and these friends, particularly the one who said “well you want ice cream too just make the man pay”, is not looking for friendship but rather for convenience and a free ride. They’ll leave you high and dry when it’s convenient to them (like it is now). You can give them a second chance if you’d like, but I can already tell you what will happen.
It’ll suck if the friendship with them ends, but you won’t make new and better friends if you continue to hang out with these people, as they’ll keep all the reasonable ones away.
Uhm, NTA. However, let it be a lesson. Don’t pay for anyone if you can’t afford to eat the cost. People can be jerks.
ESH.
If your BF bought the food at the time and didn’t say anything about repayment BEFORE the food was ordered, then it is OK that your friends thought they were being treated. Your BF is only AH if he is now pressuring you to get payment from your friends. He should have been clear at the time that he was LOANING them money.
Sam specifically is an AH for LYING about being willing to pay. She’s not a people-pleaser, she just wanted to avoid conflict in the moment. A true people-pleaser would pay her share.
They aren’t AH for not paying but they ARE AH for saying sexist BS like “let the man pay.” They were not on a date with him. And even if they were they should not assume. And the idea that you “forced them” to ditch other plans is also BS.
Still, the bottom line is that you should not expect any of your friends to pay, and in fact it would be wrong to take the 3rd friend’s money if the other two aren’t paying. Take it as a learning experience. Don’t suggest an activity that costs money without making clear who is paying. It was BK for gods sake. You should have just had separate orders to begin with.
This makes me so happy to not be 17 anymore. Damn….
NTA obv, you need to find some better friends btw.
I don’t like the narrative that man pays for everything, and this is jst next level bs.
BTW I really want an update on what the 3rd friend says.
So, you offered to go to BK but no one works so if they didn’t say “can’t, I’m broke” and you didn’t say “Driver boyfriend is buying, lets go to BK”, what exactly were you (or he, or both of you) expecting, money to come out of thin air? It’s only common decency to split the bill if you have money, and you seem to know they don’t have jobs so why didn’t you say anything before you went or anyone ordered? He didn’t have to buy anyone anything, if some girl “demanded ice cream” he can get a spine and say no. None of you used your words, so YTA. Assuming starts with ASS.
Did he offer to pay? Like, let me treat you all to a burger king?
Or did they just expect it?
If its the first one, that’s on him for offering in the first place.
If its the second, NTA and you need better friends.
NTA – Though, I find it best to just have everyone pay for their stuff on their own. If we go to Burger King, everyone can order what they want individually and pay on their own. Yeah, it’s easier to just order it all together, but, especially at a fast food place, it’s just as easy to have everyone make their own orders and pay. Then whoever doesn’t have money or doesn’t want food doesn’t have to get anything. If I have a friend I know isn’t working and I feel bad and want to get them something, then I’ll say here’s $x to get yourself something. That way they’re not just ordering whatever and expecting me to pay.
Inviting them out and then your boyfriend deciding to drive you guys to Burger King, it could look like they weren’t expected to spend anything. You need to make financial responsibilities clear from the beginning. Even though it was last minute, you knew you were driving somewhere about half an hour away and then you said your boyfriend decided to drive you guys to Burger King – understandable you guys would be hungry after driving there and spending time at the pool and still had to drive home. Knowing you already drove a half an hour away and would be driving a half an hour back (so cost of gas for that), you should’ve been clear up front about who was paying for what when it came to food. You know your friends don’t have jobs (I assume Sam and Ice Cream Girl both don’t have jobs since Ice Cream Girl said they wouldn’t hang out with people who “ask people without jobs to pay for things”), so how would you expect them to be able to pay?
You’re NTA for asking, but you could’ve avoided leaving your boyfriend paying for some ungrateful people by making things clear up front. It would’ve been best to do it before you guys even left (so people would know they could possibly be spending the time going there, at the pool, then coming home without eating anything since they have no money). But, in the very least, it should’ve been said before getting food at Burger King. Like, when going to Burger King, it should’ve been said like, “We’re going to Burger King so anyone who wants anything can get some food before we head home.” If anyone complained (like moochy Ice Cream Girl), I would’ve said, “My boyfriend was nice enough to spend money in gas driving us all here and back, he isn’t responsible to buy us food too.” If she didn’t like that, then that’s on her.
Honestly, it seems like even if you did make it clear before or while there, it would’ve ended the same – finding out neither of them are really your friend. Ice Cream Girl is a mooch and Sam will just say whatever to avoid confrontation but then block you. They’re not your friends. Just because Sam wasn’t the one talking all the crap like Ice Cream Girl doesn’t make Sam any better. She said she’d pay when she could but she’s broke now, you said if she didn’t have anything that’s okay, but anything would help. But she still goes and blocks you after?? That’s messed up. It’s not like you were like, “Ugh. Okay, well, get that money to me as soon as possible.” You were understanding she didn’t have any and said it was okay if she couldn’t pay anything but any little bit would help. Any “friend” who blocks you because of that is not a friend at all.
You need new friends. Those two are creatures. Let’s hope no. 3 is still good. It’s not so much those 2 couldn’t pay; if they’d said, ” oh I’m really sorry, is it ok if I pay end of the month, I’m skint now” that would have been OK. But the things they said, berating , trying to shame you and bf, telling you what they felt entitled to at his expense, and downright rudeness, suggest they are frenemies at best.
WOW, you are NTA but Sam and the Ice Queen suck big time! They are leeches is what they are “just make the man pay”… I can’t even when girls say that, you are fully capable of working and paying for yourself!
This was a hard lesson to learn, but in the future discuss splitting gas ahead of time and any food/drinks ordered should be paid for individually at the time of purchase.
You don’t need “friends” like that in your life, they’re only interested in you when you have something to give to them.
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Good news! You now have the opportunity to spend time with new, non-freeloading friends! NTA. Those girls are losers & leaches in for a rude awakening when they enter the real world
You’ve waited too long. The thing to do was everyone buy their own food on the spot, not later. Get new friends.
NTA. Your “friends” however . . .
Just because you & your boyfriend offered to drive them to the pool, doesn’t mean you also offered to buy them food. And for the one person to “demand” ice cream as well . . . UGH!
These “friends” sound like users & I think you’d do well to cut them out of your life, because they’re just going to keep on using you & your boyfriend otherwise.
You need different friends. NTA
NTA and they aren’t your friends. Don’t bring them anywhere again.
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NTA. If they blocked you and refuse to hang out then it sounds as if this problem has solved itself.
I may get down votes but did you clearly state that you were splitting the bill?
Or did you bf just say let’s go to Burger King and choose to buy people stuff?
YTA. If nothing was started before hand.
NTA, if they agreed to pay before the food was bought.
Sounds Generational to me. I am 41m. Yes, i would have already assumed I would buy ice-cream for everyone(if i wasnt the only man, the men would split the bill evenly or each man would buy for his SO, and my friends would have instinctively told waitress this one and ny GF together please….. BUT if no body says anything, nobody will follow suit and the waitress would assume the man of the group or invitees will take care of the food check
NTA
Ice cream girl is utter trash. Probably will end up homeless one day.
You say don’t have money BEFORE you give out your food order. Your “friends” are just making you feel bad because they’re broke and are trying to make you feel bad so they don’t look bad.
Next time just tell any Tagalongs the field trip will be gas money contributions plus any of their personal expenses. Tell them before you pick them up.
NTA. But I wonder (INFO:), did you do the drive through? Next time park and go inside so everyone is on their own.