I’m 32 and my girlfriend is 28. We’ve been together for a few years now and we live together. She’s a digital artist and sells her work online. I love that she’s creative and really talented, and her art style is this cute, minimalist vibe that people seem to really like, especially when she draws animals.
Anyway, my dog Max passed away about six months ago. He’d been with me since college, so over 10 years, and honestly he was my best friend. Losing him hit me really hard. I’m still not fully over it, and even just seeing photos of him can make me emotional.
A few days ago, she showed me a sketch of a dog, and I instantly recognized it as Max. Same little spot over his eye, same posture, even the expression was spot on. I asked if it was supposed to be him and she said kind of, but also that she was planning to use it in a new collection of pet illustrations she’s going to sell.
I told her as calmly and gently as I could that I wasn’t really comfortable with that. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her wanting to include him, but he wasn’t just a random dog. He was family, and I’m still grieving. The idea of seeing his image used in something commercial, even if no one else knows it’s him, feels weird to me. Like he’s being turned into a product.
She didn’t take it well. She said I was being controlling, and that as an artist she should be able to draw inspiration from wherever she wants. That it’s just a dog, and I should feel honored she wanted to include him.
Now she’s acting distant and says I’m overreacting and being selfish for asking her to change her creative plans over something that, in her words, only I would notice. But to me, it’s not just a drawing. It’s Max.
So yeah. AITA for asking my girlfriend not to use my late dog in art she plans to sell?
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I’m 32 and my girlfriend is 28. We’ve been together for a few years now and we live together. She’s a digital artist and sells her work online. I love that she’s creative and really talented, and her art style is this cute, minimalist vibe that people seem to really like, especially when she draws animals.
Anyway, my dog Max passed away about six months ago. He’d been with me since college, so over 10 years, and honestly he was my best friend. Losing him hit me really hard. I’m still not fully over it, and even just seeing photos of him can make me emotional.
A few days ago, she showed me a sketch of a dog, and I instantly recognized it as Max. Same little spot over his eye, same posture, even the expression was spot on. I asked if it was supposed to be him and she said kind of, but also that she was planning to use it in a new collection of pet illustrations she’s going to sell.
I told her as calmly and gently as I could that I wasn’t really comfortable with that. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her wanting to include him, but he wasn’t just a random dog. He was family, and I’m still grieving. The idea of seeing his image used in something commercial, even if no one else knows it’s him, feels weird to me. Like he’s being turned into a product.
She didn’t take it well. She said I was being controlling, and that as an artist she should be able to draw inspiration from wherever she wants. That it’s just a dog, and I should feel honored she wanted to include him.
Now she’s acting distant and says I’m overreacting and being selfish for asking her to change her creative plans over something that, in her words, only I would notice. But to me, it’s not just a drawing. It’s Max.
So yeah. AITA for asking my girlfriend not to use my late dog in art she plans to sell?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I can be an asshole for making her sad, I really don’t want to mess up her business, it’s her source of income. But I think her using my dog and making me sad about it might make her a bit of an asshole too.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. She has her own relationship with your dog. She’s an artist. She’s not doing anything bad to you.
NTA – if you’re not comfortable with someone selling images of your lost pet then she shouldn’t do it, that’s kind of basic decency.
Esh. I think your reaction is intense and weird. That being said it’s a simple request and there’s no real reason for her not to do something relatively small for the sake of her partner.
I think you’re TA for asking and yes after hearing this bothered you she’s TA for not just googling “cute dogs” or sitting in the park for an hour to get inspiration.
NTA. She is being very insensitive to your feelings. It’s not like she can’t draw another dog. And she knows it by her behavior.
NTA The fact that she described him as “just” a dog is enough to make your girlfriend a major AH.
ESH
You’ve been together a few years, so she’s used to have Max around. Obviously, she’s affected by the dog too. I should know, I’ve been there when the family dog was put to sleep. That’s not a happy memory.
She’s a bit AH for not asking your opinion about making the late pet as a product without consulting you first.
YTA for trying to limit what she’s allowed to use as an inspirational source. It’s not like you got copyright on the dog’s looks.
Try and figure out a kind of compromise. Maybe she’ll not sell any looks of the dog for the next six months or so, and you give her room to develop of her art. You, on the other hand, must be able to let go eventually. It’s perfectly fine to mourn for a dear friend, but that’s not a free pass to be sad forever.
NTA. She’s putting the issue in terms of “rights,” and it’s actually an issue about your feelings–and she’s trying to dictate what feelings you should have. That’s callous at best and hurtful at worst. This isn’t about her as an artist, but a GF, and she may be a good artist, but she’s being a shitty GF. The least she could is wait a while and see if you change your mind (you almost certainly will)–that would be caring. At this point, she’s making it clear she doesn’t care.
As an artist; NTA, your dog is essentially a family member, it’s in poor taste to sell art of an identifying person or animal without the consent of the owner or family.
Red flags are waving as fast as they can flap.
You asked her to not include his picture because it’s hurtful to you. She immediately responded with that you can’t control her, she has the right to, and “it’s just a dog”.
No, it’s you and your grief. It’s a family member whom you miss desperately.
Unless you continually police her choices and she’s making a statement about her feelings and rights mattering too, then she’s telling you that what she wants to do is more important than the hurt it’s causing you.
Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe she just doesn’t think it’s important to be considerate to you when it conflicts with her wants. Maybe it’s worth discussing with her why she’s so dismissive of your feelings.
I think NTA. Your reaction to this minimalist drawing of your dog is a little extreme, but grief is weird and intense. She should respect that and she doesn’t even have to scrap the whole art, just give the dog a different fur color/pattern.
NTA
That’s a whole other level of lacking sensitivity on her part.
I could not personally continue to date someone acting like this much of a jackass.
The fact that she’s emotionally punishing you for expressing your discomfort is vile.
Nta- I’d dump anyone who called my late or current dog – just a dog
She seems horrifically awful, self centered, and cold
I think you should think very seriously about whether your issue is grief, or if you have some misplaced resentment towards your GF about other things?
I could understand getting momentarily emotional about seeing your late dog – but not so much that you’d be this territorial and, frankly, controlling about it. I think you’re being unreasonable. YTA.
Nta, it’s your dog, you lost your dog, she shouldn’t draw or draw inspired by dead pets or people without getting consent from their family
Your GF likely knew your former pooch and probably loved him too. I suspect her artwork is a means by which she remembers and honours Max. There is nothing harmful or improper in her creating these images, nothing immoral about spreading Max’s image around, while making a few bucks.
You are within your rights to say you are uncomfortable with this process but you are out of line to think and act as though you can control your GF’s actions. You are weaponizing your sadness and that’s why YTA.
NTA Her response is worse than her using the image of your dog. It is so cruel and surprised she responded this way.
Yta.
YTA. This is one of the more controlling things I’ve heard here. I don’t know why you think she somehow needs your permission for this.
NTA. “it’s just a dog” now eh?
Someone who loves you would respect your wishes on this. They certainly wouldn’t minimize you, your grief or your pet by saying that you are overreacting and it’s just a dog.
You are NTA.
I’m actually quite torn. On the one hand, she is allowed to use your late dog as inspiration. But the “it’s just a dog” hits differently, and I’m not okay with that phrase. Max wasn’t “just a dog”. He was your family. Your friend. You love and miss him. Just like you would with your parent when they pass away. Because of that, I’m going with NTA. And I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. if she wanted to be considerate of your feelings, she should have asked if she could use his likeness BEFORE she decided to pin her new collection on him. thats just weird. is she pitching it as a memorial thing?
NTA
>That it’s just a dog
If she said that she is clearly insensitive about your grief. NTA.
Put your foot down. If she can’t handle drawing a different dog to support you then, if it were me, I would be considering the viability of the relationship frankly. I can think of plenty of people I know who are not this insensitive. Her “creative plans” are appropriating your loved one. That is not okay.
NTA. And her saying “it’s just a dog,” makes me question why you are still with her
Why is it that controlling people (those who want everything their way) always call others controlling when they don’t get what they want?
ETA: NTA
You are in fact the asshole
NAH. You’re both okay. She’s not wrong to do it and you’re not wrong to feel a bit violated by it. I do think given your reaction she should move or change the spot or something to make it less “him.” But probably the expression is what gives the image its authenticity. Sorry for your loss. That’s a hard blow and I’m sorry you miss your Max 🐾
NTA: Max was your dog and if you don’t want his likeness being used that is up to you 100%. The fact she even had the gall to say “it’s just a dog” shows she doesn’t understand how much your loved your friend.
My ex-wife told me “it was just a dog” after I lost my dog to cancer, anyone who can muster up that phrase doesn’t understand the love a pet can bring into your life. And since they can’t fathom that they don’t love them like we do.
Personally I’d be considering ending it over saying that alone. But that’s just me, you do what you think is best.
NTA. I can’t believe some of these responses. YOUR beloved dog of 10+ years. Some “people” dont understand how a dog isn’t “just a dog”. My dog is my reason for living right now. Hes been with me through two long relationships. I cant imagine losing him yet. This is a simple request to respect your grieving of the loss of a beloved living being.
NTA. Dogs are family. If she made artwork of your dead relative and sold it online it would be weird. The fact that she only showed you the final product means she knew you’d have a problem with it and is aware of it by her reaction. Although she’s within her rights to keep making the artwork, you’re well within your rights to be upset about it.
ETA: some of these yta comments are insane. Yes he may not have the legal rights over his dogs image, but this is a family member of ten years we’re discussing. It’s not controlling to ask your partner not to monetise the image of your dead family member, especially without consent
YTA
NTA.
NTA. Max was clearly super important to you, and your grief is valid. Asking your girlfriend to respect that boundary, especially for something personal like a pet that meant so much, is completely reasonable. It’s not about controlling her art; it’s about honoring your feelings and your bond with him. She should know this tbh
Seems a bit mean of her. Can she not just alter the drawing slightly. It seems strange she’s reacted like this, maybe it’s a sign of something else. Maybe you caught her at an odd moment, or she misread your tone. Either way, it deserves another gentle conversation.
Lots of people are missing the main issue OP has with this. It’s not that shes using him as inspiration, it’s that shes monetizing her grief
I don’t believe she said “it’s just a dog”. I believe you added that to get redit readers on your side. If she did in fact say that, then you have a shitty relationship as she has no clue about you. Why are you together? Plus, I would be honored if my pet was memorized in art. The money part means nothing compared to knowing my pupper was living on and touching others.
ESH/NAH. Presumably she knew and loved Max too if you’ve been together for years and had been living together- so to tell her she can’t use him for her artwork is overstepping and controlling
HOWEVER
It’s not like you said you can’t draw any dogs at all- and on a realistic level how hard would it be to alter the design (move the spots, change the fur, change the tail length/shape, make the ears floppy or stick straight up) so it didn’t look SO MUCH like Max that it caused your partner immense pain. Draw a different dog to sell
Maybe I’m weird, but I get upset whenever I upset the partner I’m in love with. I try to avoid it or change my behavior to make them happier. That’s just how I am when I’m in love. NTA. Sorry your gf is.
I think NAH, but everyone is overreacting a bit.
You’re grieving and understandably emotional. I’m sure in a few weeks/months this exact situation wouldn’t bother you, but things are tough right now.
She should understand that you’re grieving and give you some grace for “overreacting.” I dunno her past, if she’s easily triggered by being told she can/can’t do something?
I think if you have a conversation with her explaining that you’re just extra sensitive right now and you’re hoping you can revisit this discussion in a few weeks/months.
NTA.
She seems selfish.
NTA. We had pet photography done with a photographer who occasionally did commercial work. If she wanted to use your dog’s image, she asked you for a release/waiver. We got one of the releases in the mail. Your ex should be held to the same standard and not knowing isn’t enough.
While she’s right that she’s allowed to draw inspiration from anything around her, that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences. And she absolutely doesn’t get to dictate to other people their reaction to her art.
I don’t know that I would want to stay with someone that put their career or finances over my grief. But you can’t stop her from prioritizing those things over you any more than she can stop you from reacting negatively to her choices.
My dog and my cat are both elderly and going to die soon. I would love to have drawings of them.
The fact is that your GF is the AH due to what she said about it “just a dog”.
nta, he isn’t just a dog. hes your dog, your family and she should care more about your feelings. literally draw any other dog, and worse that she wants to sell it.
NTA , Mediocre Artist, and Ex Dog owner here. My girl passed away two years ago. I still randomly burst into tears when I see her picture or just look at similar dogs.
I am not able to draw her yet, and I can’t imagine one of my artsy friends drawing her and using her for profit like that. And I think it speaks volumes that I do not need to worry about this happening because my friend respects my boundaries and emotions.
You are not controlling, and the fact that she said that makes her the things she accuses you of being.
I am sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to heal. Our fur friends are part of our family, losing them can feel life-shattering.
And I am sorry your GF is behaving like a gaslighting b.
“it’s just a dog” tells you everything you needed to know dude.
Hard NTA
NTA. “It’s just a dog”. She could draw another damn dog!! She selfish and you are NOT being controlling. She wants to take your grief and profit off of it. That’s so gross.
NTA…. definitely
NTA. As an artist, she is absolutely able to draw inspiration from anything, sure. As a partner, though, she should be open to taking your feelings into consideration. I lost a pet this year, and it sucks. You’re absolutely valid in not wanting to see her capitalizing off of Max.
If it’s just “inspo” she could easily recolor the picture, at the very least.
kinda’ TA, kinda disturbed. this level of anxiety over a dog warrants therapy, not an emotionally charged, unenforceable copyright dispute.
NTA There may be pet owners out there who would be happy to see their pet’s image used in this way. Her wanting to make money off it is off-putting. And her refusal to accept your POV is, too.
If she had offered YOU a work with his image, for YOU to keep and cherish, that would have been acceptable.
NTA This is just one of those gut things. Like if my roommate was grieving a lost grandparent and they heard me in my room listening to Frank Sinatra, which they associate with their grandparent, they might ask me not to play it out loud.
Do they have “the right” to tell me what I can do in my own room and “control” the music I listen to? No. But for Christ sake’s it’s making them sad so I’d want to know so I could put some headphones on. It’s a super low bar to grant such a small mercy. It’s not logic or rights or normal social conventions. It’s just a person grieving in a way they can’t help (getting emotional about Sinatra) and a person tiptoeing for a little while because they care and we’ve all been there before. Everyone has their turn in grief, many times over.
Not including that one piece of art because it hurts you for whatever reason is a very low bar. Even if she worked hard on it, she could save it for herself or even gift it to you as something you can enjoy later when it hurts less. It takes minimal empathy to understand that a person can’t logic their way in or out of grieving and sometimes, a partner needs to shelve their needs. Not forever, not all the time, but about the things that matter.
NTA.
I don’t think it was wrong for her to initially use Max as inspiration, as she likely cared for him as well–and I don’t think most people would assume it would bother their partner to use their pet’s image as inspiration, so I don’t think it was wrong that she used it without discussing it first. However, once you shared how it made you feel, she should have respected that. It should have been an easy fix to just use other publicly available images of pets on Google and Instagram for her work. If my partner told me that something upset them, I wouldn’t try to convince them they shouldn’t feel that way–you can’t tell people how they “should” feel.
As a side note, it’s hard to imagine any kind and reasonable person responding the way she did calling her partner’s deceased pet “just a dog”, so I do wonder how the conversation was actually approached; I’m kind of assuming you both weren’t your best selves in the conversation because it was probably a spur of the moment argument you didn’t prepare yourself for in advance, so you may not have brought it up in a way that reflected understanding for her perspective on initially using his image. I think most of the comments on the thread so far are assuming you approached her in a level-headed way to share your discomfort with using Max’s image, which is why they may be more judgemental of your partner. But if you came in a bit hot and she was defensive, that may explain why she reacted so poorly (and I think is more forgivable)–but if you truly approached her calmly, kindly, and respectfully to share your feelings and that is how she responded, that is very insensitive of her and I agree could be a red flag.
This is a tough one, I don’t think I’m going to leave a formal ruling.
You are overstepping. It’s not actually within your rights to try and stop her from selling an approximate likeness of your dog, that she drew. It’s not an exact trace, and she came up with the idea. So I’m pretty sure that falls under her intellectual property.
What she’s doing is insensitive to your grief, and I can sort of understand your angle where you feel like she’s commercializing your dead dog for profit. But only kind of.
Her saying he was just a dog is insensitive, and rude, and she shouldn’t even feel that way. But we don’t get to control other people’s feelings and opinions, or behaviours. We only get to control how we respond.
If you want to stay with her, my suggestion is that you ask her to please tweak the character concept so the dog isn’t so close to yours in appearance. If she refuses, probably dump her.
If you want to leave over this, then just leave, and distance yourself. Because seeing her profit off this character design is going to upset you but you have no legal leg to stand on to do anything about it.
so if you’ve been together years, had she come to love the dog as well?
NTA but you are being a massive wuss ball.
NTA, though I have an idea: maybe offer to pay her for a picture of Max but continue to insist that she not sell his likeness to other people?
NTA. As an artist and have raised multiple dogs. She obviously cared for your dog as she was able to nail the impression of him like you said. Same markings, pose, life to it that says Max.
Where she really messed up if when you asked if it was Max and she said “kind of”
That is what i feel got you. She both captured his essence and is also trying to remove it to capitilize on it. I would feel differently if she hadnt said that.
If you talk to her again and she doesnt back down, that would concern me. But do try again. Maybe she was also emotional and wasnt portraying how she felt about it in the best way.
NTA
Damn I disagree with a lot of people on here. So if she removed that little spot above the eye you would be okay with it? Most dog breeds tend to look very much alike. She can’t draw that same breed? Realistically is she a famous artist that you are going to see his image everywhere? It will blow up and everyone recognize that one dog from that artwork.
Idk if you are being controlling but you are overreacting.
NTA
Why? Because she says he’s just a dog. It would be one thing if he’s in the collection but offlimits for purchase with the understanding that his portrait is going to you. That should he fine.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Sorta leaning ESH. Feel like honoring the dog by recreating him is nice. But she reacted horribly when you asked her to stop. For you, I more worry that 6 months later, you are very grief stricken to the point that a picture triggers you.
YTA. I’m an artist and dog lover, every time one of my dogs has died has been absolutely devastating. Your level of grief is concerning at this point, maybe it’s time to seek therapy to help deal with it in a healthier way.
Also, you were rude about her art. “The idea of seeing his image used in something commercial, even if no one else knows it’s him, feels weird to me. Like he’s being turned into a product.” She created that work because she loved Max and was inspired by him. Then when she was excited to show you, you insulted her. You implied her art is exploitation, and you are being controlling. Of course she responded angrily. Also, did she say Max was Just a dog, or that the art was just a dog?