Okay so my (25F) girlfriend (25F) and I were cleaning up my apartment tonight. For context we are both vet students and both busy with classes and exams coming up. I kept telling her how much I appreciate her helping me as I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.
As I was finishing sweeping she asked if she could rearrange the litter boxes. I said no not right now maybe we can take a look at that later. I guess I could’ve been more open but I was hyperfixated on the task I was doing. I turn around and she’s rearranging the litter boxes anyway, I made a slightly annoyed sigh but let it go. When I came back in the room she wasn’t talking to me and I asked her what was wrong? She started going off that I was so rude and what was so bad about her idea, I just said that I was sorry and if it made her happy that way than that’s fine. She just kept going.
A little while later I sat down to try and explain where I was coming from, I told her that sometimes when I’m overstimulated and hyper focused on a different task that I can be a bit sharp which wasn’t fair to her and that I was sorry. I told her I just wished that when I told her no to doing that right now that she’d just respect that and have a conversation with me later on (we’ve had a similar conversation about a cat tree). She said that that makes her feel like she’s gentle parenting a two year old and didn’t see the big deal. This obviously felt really hurtful as I was only trying to find a healthy way for us to communicate. She just started blankly at me in a condescending way and I left the conversation feeling worse than I did before. So AITA?
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Okay so my (25F) girlfriend (25F) and I were cleaning up my apartment tonight. For context we are both vet students and both busy with classes and exams coming up. I kept telling her how much I appreciate her helping me as I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.
As I was finishing sweeping she asked if she could rearrange the litter boxes. I said no not right now maybe we can take a look at that later. I guess I could’ve been more open but I was hyperfixated on the task I was doing. I turn around and she’s rearranging the litter boxes anyway, I made a slightly annoyed sigh but let it go. When I came back in the room she wasn’t talking to me and I asked her what was wrong? She started going off that I was so rude and what was so bad about her idea, I just said that I was sorry and if it made her happy that way than that’s fine. She just kept going.
A little while later I sat down to try and explain where I was coming from, I told her that sometimes when I’m overstimulated and hyper focused on a different task that I can be a bit sharp which wasn’t fair to her and that I was sorry. I told her I just wished that when I told her no to doing that right now that she’d just respect that and have a conversation with me later on (we’ve had a similar conversation about a cat tree). She said that that makes her feel like she’s gentle parenting a two year old and didn’t see the big deal. This obviously felt really hurtful as I was only trying to find a healthy way for us to communicate. She just started blankly at me in a condescending way and I left the conversation feeling worse than I did before. So AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Reacting poorly to my GF asking if she could rearrange furniture and also asking to communicate better
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
Honestly OP it sounds like you handled this really well. You might have been a little brisk in your response, but you acknowledged it and apologized for it. It sounds like she has an issue with respecting your wishes in your own home.
NAH. Seems like a classic type of conflict among partners with different neurotypes. Each of you thinks that your own way makes sense and the other person should just get it. Which is true! but also in conflict, if you don’t also get the other person.
Nta but this is a silly fight, it seems like she just doesn’t understand how your brain works, I wouldn’t consider that rude of you though!
NTA. Was gonna say maybe you could’ve said “I’m alittle busy right now but I can do it later” but you basically already said that lol
NAH.
You guys just have a communication problem, maybe try explaining how you feel in detail so she can have a better understanding of how to approach you when you find yourselves in similar situation in the future. If even after talking she’s still doesn’t see your point or respect how you feel, then maybe you have a problem.
It sounds like this is an ongoing issue, not a one off. And it sounds like you are more harsh than you realise/are telling us based on your GFs response.
I’m going with ESH. Communication breakdown all around.
NAH, just a conflict of how brains work. However… it does sound like your idea of finding a healthy way to communicate doesn’t seem to involve you putting in any effort to change how you communicate or to compromise, which could be part of why she was annoyed at you. You might be TA if you keep expecting your girlfriend to be the only one doing the work there.
INFO: What was your objection to rearranging the litter boxes that you wanted to have a discussion about later? What was your problem with the cat tree?
These seem like really trivial and unnecessary things to be annoyed about, much less pick a whole fight over. If you are this particular about the arrangement of items in your apartment then maybe stop asking your girlfriend to help you clean it, because you clearly don’t appreciate it.
NAH… yet
>I told her I just wished that when I told her no to doing that right now that she’d respect that
So basically, “when I say to do things my way, just do it my way.”
She wanted it done now.
You wanted to wait.
Why should your wants automatically come first?
She didn’t force you to do it right then – she did it herself.
Neither of you are AHs for wanting things done how/when you want them, but you’re verging on AH territory when you start telling your gf that she needs to defer to what you want.
NTA — Regardless of whether or not it makes sense to her, she asked to do something and you said no. Then when you tried to discuss it with her she completely disregarded your POV by saying “I was right.” This is probably going to be an ongoing problem.
JFC, talk about first world problems.. if this is the biggest issue in your lives at the moment put on a party hat and pour some champagne, you’re fuckin golden pony boy.
Don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff. K?
Edit: spelling, fuck you SWYPE
ESH – your gf for not communicating in a healthy way or respecting your No in relation to your space. Giving the silent treatment and going on the defensive when challenged is unappealing in a partner, what does conflict look like when you live together/ have children?
You for your harsh responses and lack of accountability. I used to struggle with stubborn focus and snapping at people when they interrupted me, it was a shit way to behave and made way more conflict than there would’ve been otherwise.
You need to revisit this conversation when you both have capacity to actually listen instead of talking at one another. Set a time when you can both get comfy and discuss what went wrong. Use I statements – including apologising for snapping without a qualifier (but, however).
Make sure to discuss what happens next time, maybe look at walking through a task list and both agree that any deviations will be discussed once the list is done? Also, consider having a word or phrase that covers when one of you needs space/is overwhelmed and needs time. My parents use aubergine to signal a 15ish minute break in a conversation.. regardless of content cause they both tend to get personal when they argue.
Best of luck
NTA. No should mean no. You guys were working on one task, she asked to do something and you gave an answer. The fact that you expressed yourself completely and she decided to be condescending instead and say she felt like she was parenting a two year old… there’s no reasoning with people like that.
NTA, but it sounds like your gf is.
From the way you’ve described it, this is how I understand the situation: this is your living space only, not one you share with your gf. You’re overwhelmed with life and everything and were unable to prioritize smaller tasks like cleaning up, in that moment. Your gf offered to help you clean up, then asked if she could also
clean up the litter box. You communicated to her that you didn’t have the headspace to think about the litterbox until your current task was cleared and asked her to wait until then before discussing it again (again, this is just your living space not hers?). When you saw she’d disregarded your wishes, you were upset and she called you childish because of that.
Am I understanding you correctly?
Is this your apartment or do the two of you live together? If it is your apartment and you don’t want things changed and therefore say no, then she is completely TA for her attitude. If the two of you live together then you are completely TA for thinking that you have the right to arbitrarily say no to anything.
In both scenarios her comment about “feeling like she is gentle parenting a two year old” was completely uncalled for a disrespectful.
Almost everyone else who commented here seemed to be under the impression that you lived together. I was under the impression that you did not because you said “my apartment” rather than “our apartment”.
Cats don’t like it when you move their litter boxes! Calmly let her know that, but if she wants to try, she’s cleaning up the mess!
nta. No is a full sentence. If you’re not sharing the space with her, she has no vested interest in how your litter boxes are arranged.
To be honest, to read that she did not respect your boundaries when you set them and tried to punish you for setting them by acting passive agressive makes me doubt she respects you at all and makes me believe you may be in a relationship with someone with strong narcissist tendencies. The ‘two year old’ comment is almost verbatim what I heard from narcissists as their excuse for behavior. Even the way it starts, as “help” is familiar. It’s not them doing you a favor. It’s them feeding their own desire to be needed, to be important and to be better at everything than everyone else. If left unchecked, this devolves into bullying so I am glad you stood your ground.
Don’t repeat my mistake, don’t let it come to that. Set and affirm your boundaries regardless of how the other person react. People who want to hurt you for setting boundaries are not people you want to spend time with.
A light ESH.
She shouldn’t ask you for your opinion if she isn’t going to take it into account.
You shouldn’t expect her complete compliance.
NO means NO. Annoys me when I say no to a question and I’m still asked 2-3 x or ignored. And yeah 😏 I snap too. So no I don’t think so. 😉
NTA-It’s your apartment. Helping clean it doesn’t mean rearranging to suit her needs or flat out ignoring your no.
NTA. Its your apartment, and “no” is a complete sentence. You could’ve worded it differently in the moment, but you went back and explained and apologized. Kinda sounds like there might be something deeper going on with the gf, tho. Does she usually shut down like that?
NTA, man this was so close to NAH but then you had to try and communicate in a healthy and she had to be rude about it.
Idk why aita bot made me burst out laughing like welcome to am i the asshole 🤣
Man go talk to you girl bro dont be a dumbass and ruin your relationship because broke hoeless bums are on here telling your girl is an asshole because she got pissed at you for disregarding her idea.
You both are veterans gang grow the fuck up.
ESH
But since you posted this bs on YTA talking shit about your girl online smfh
You have adhd. Get checked. Could be bipolarity too. – you can’t have a relationship with someone if you speak to them in a nasty way. She’ll love you less. She can also have her boundaries up and repel you and not take you into consideration and the thing is once you attack someone and justify it. It doesn’t work. You gotta physically touch them. You gotta say sorry while she keeps going. What you don’t see is her trying to maintain the relationship by processing the energy you gave her.
Don’t spoil it by destroying it.
Are you both neurodivergent?
Sometimes my husband and I have conflict because we will have conflicting hyperfocus/energy/whatever issues, so one of us NEEDS to do a thing while the other NEEDS to not have that stimulation right then (either due to sensory overload, hyperfocus on something else, distractions, or general overwhelm).
Can you create code words to signal when it’s something you either must or cannot do at that moment?