So I (46M) have been dating my girlfriend (37F) for a while now. Things have been going well, and this past weekend she even came with me to meet my parents. I really care about her and want to build something serious.
Here’s the issue. When I drive her SUV, the huge 20-inch LCD screen shows her “favorites” list from her phone. On that list are family, close friends, her ex-husband (which I totally get, since they share kids), and also her ex-fiancé who she broke up with about 6 months ago. Meanwhile, I’m not even on the screen . I’m below everyone.
I’m almost always the one driving, so I have this list right in my face with her exes at the top. I mentioned to her a few times that it bothers me seeing her ex-fiancé up there when I’m not, and each time she dismissed it as me being “jealous” and told me it’s no big deal. She even said it’s “sorted by the order added,” but that isn’t true because her ex-husband is further down the list.
The other day we were together and his name popped up on her screen while he was calling. It killed the mood completely. When I brought it up again, I told her I wasn’t asking her to block him or cut ties, just that he doesn’t need to be front and center on her favorites list when I’m right there looking at it. I want to feel respected as her partner and like a priority in her life.
I told her if she can’t or won’t remove him, I’ll respect her choice, but I also won’t drive her car again. To me, this feels like a pretty small ask out of respect for me and for us.
She later texted me saying I’m communicating really well, and admitted she can be selfish and defensive, and that she doesn’t want to make me feel insecure. But I can’t shake the feeling that I was made out to be “jealous” when really, I just want to be respected and prioritized.
TL;DR: I drive my girlfriend’s SUV a lot, and her ex-fiancé is still at the top of her “favorites” list on the giant screen while I’m not even on it. I asked her to remove him out of respect for our relationship. She says I’m just being jealous. AITA?
Edit – they do not have kids together. He called because he accidently sent an amazon package to her house. No big deal and that didn’t bother me. But it did reignite in my head that I felt I wasn’t prioritized to her. I asked her 3 times in the past 5 days in person.
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So I (46M) have been dating my girlfriend (37F) for a while now. Things have been going well, and this past weekend she even came with me to meet my parents. I really care about her and want to build something serious.
Here’s the issue. When I drive her SUV, the huge 20-inch LCD screen shows her “favorites” list from her phone. On that list are family, close friends, her ex-husband (which I totally get, since they share kids), and also her ex-fiancé who she broke up with about 6 months ago. Meanwhile, I’m not even on the screen . I’m below everyone.
I’m almost always the one driving, so I have this list right in my face with her exes at the top. I mentioned to her a few times that it bothers me seeing her ex-fiancé up there when I’m not, and each time she dismissed it as me being “jealous” and told me it’s no big deal. She even said it’s “sorted by the order added,” but that isn’t true because her ex-husband is further down the list.
The other day we were together and his name popped up on her screen while he was calling. It killed the mood completely. When I brought it up again, I told her I wasn’t asking her to block him or cut ties, just that he doesn’t need to be front and center on her favorites list when I’m right there looking at it. I want to feel respected as her partner and like a priority in her life.
I told her if she can’t or won’t remove him, I’ll respect her choice, but I also won’t drive her car again. To me, this feels like a pretty small ask out of respect for me and for us.
She later texted me saying I’m communicating really well, and admitted she can be selfish and defensive, and that she doesn’t want to make me feel insecure. But I can’t shake the feeling that I was made out to be “jealous” when really, I just want to be respected and prioritized.
TL;DR: I drive my girlfriend’s SUV a lot, and her ex-fiancé is still at the top of her “favorites” list on the giant screen while I’m not even on it. I asked her to remove him out of respect for our relationship. She says I’m just being jealous. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 – even asking her to modify her favorite list , its her personal list and I should respect that? 2 – the fact that I still feel invalidated for a simple ask , and made to feel that its no big deal to her . It shouldnt be to me either
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Edit with judgement:
I’d say NTA. I get why she didn’t organically remove him. I personally might not think of updating my phone favorites, it’s a kind of out of sight out of mind thing for me personally.
That being said I get why you might have said “hey it’s a bit weird mind changing it?” And her response should have been “oh sure”.
Instead, in her own words, she got “selfish and defensive”. And her defensive response was to attack you. Not a good look.
I-N-F-O: why is is/was he calling her? Do they have kids together? Why’d they break up?
“You’re ex-husband is lower on the list so you are clearly lying about why you’re ex-fiancé is so high on the list. My question is, ‘WHY are you lying about it?’ Do you see why I’m a little sus about it?”
You’re not TA. You mentioned it several times to her, and she could have easily made changes. The fact that she did not is probably what bothers you
I think you handled it pretty well.
Why is he calling her? Do they have a kid together
NTA. This isn’t about jealousy or insecurity, it’s about being disrespectful. I am the least jealous person in the world, and I would seriously be like wtf if my partner did this. If she overlooked removing him, that’s one thing, but when you pointed it out, why was her first response not to sort it out? Is she a defensive person about everything? People like that are exhausting to deal with.
Sometimes it’s the obvious answer – He is still one of her favorites.
NTA
You’re NTA, but, did she end the engagement or did he? From what little I you’re said, I have the feeling that she wants to remain tied to the ex-fiance and he’s at the top of her favorites because she’s hoping that the ‘ex’ part isn’t for long.
NTA. Behaviour is a language, listen.