Both her (27F) and I (28M) are both unemployed currently I have been trying to find a job recently and have had two great interviews with different companies. We currently live off her parents who pay for our rent and food because she is using money she has saved for going to college. She is still pursuing her undergraduate degree at a local private university and is currently doing summer classes. I was laid off a year ago from a tech company and have struggled to find a job since. For further reference we have lived together for the past 3 years in different places and I used to pay for a majority of the rent and all the appliances and food.
I currently do all of the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the house. I’ve had a horrible falling out with health and I’ve been trying to climb my way out of being overweight and generally unhealthy. So recently I’ve gotten back into the gym and going on walks all the time. I’ve even changed the eating habits and eating out all the time. My partner also has a horrible list of food allergies or general dislikes of food something she was pretty much born with; like she can’t eat pineapple or raw fruits of any kind. This makes it incredibly difficult to prepare food for. She doesn’t like really any of the food I make as it tends to be either healthy or something she just doesn’t like.
So I try and ask what she would like to eat and it’s usually like “idk” or just silence. When I ask what I should get at the grocery store her requests are mostly either snack items or some weird soda drink or collection of beauty related items that cost was too much. It’s almost impossible to interact with her about anything. Like she either is too distracted looking at her phone or just doesn’t have any answers.
Are schedules are terrible and there’s no routine at all, she mostly lays in the bed all day with her dog except for the few times I bring her food and she returns the plates and cups. I ask her if she wants to get out of bed and suddenly I’m “being rude” or being “really mean” to her. She doesn’t want to help me with cooking or cleaning ever and huffs at me and calls me a “meanie” when I ask her about doing anything for the day instead of doom scrolling on YouTube. She says I’m an asshole and bad person who doesn’t love her for simply trying to get her to stop being in bed all day and do stuff.
When I get a job and return to a daily routine that isn’t just me all day at the house doing everything I’m not sure what will change if anything, but the environment we are fostering isn’t suitable and makes me resent her even though I do love her a lot.
So am I the asshole for trying to get my girlfriend out of bed.
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Both her (27F) and I (28M) are both unemployed currently I have been trying to find a job recently and have had two great interviews with different companies. We currently live off her parents who pay for our rent and food because she is using money she has saved for going to college. She is still pursuing her undergraduate degree at a local private university and is currently doing summer classes. I was laid off a year ago from a tech company and have struggled to find a job since. For further reference we have lived together for the past 3 years in different places and I used to pay for a majority of the rent and all the appliances and food.
I currently do all of the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the house. I’ve had a horrible falling out with health and I’ve been trying to climb my way out of being overweight and generally unhealthy. So recently I’ve gotten back into the gym and going on walks all the time. I’ve even changed the eating habits and eating out all the time. My partner also has a horrible list of food allergies or general dislikes of food something she was pretty much born with; like she can’t eat pineapple or raw fruits of any kind. This makes it incredibly difficult to prepare food for. She doesn’t like really any of the food I make as it tends to be either healthy or something she just doesn’t like.
So I try and ask what she would like to eat and it’s usually like “idk” or just silence. When I ask what I should get at the grocery store her requests are mostly either snack items or some weird soda drink or collection of beauty related items that cost was too much. It’s almost impossible to interact with her about anything. Like she either is too distracted looking at her phone or just doesn’t have any answers.
Are schedules are terrible and there’s no routine at all, she mostly lays in the bed all day with her dog except for the few times I bring her food and she returns the plates and cups. I ask her if she wants to get out of bed and suddenly I’m “being rude” or being “really mean” to her. She doesn’t want to help me with cooking or cleaning ever and huffs at me and calls me a “meanie” when I ask her about doing anything for the day instead of doom scrolling on YouTube. She says I’m an asshole and bad person who doesn’t love her for simply trying to get her to stop being in bed all day and do stuff.
When I get a job and return to a daily routine that isn’t just me all day at the house doing everything I’m not sure what will change if anything, but the environment we are fostering isn’t suitable and makes me resent her even though I do love her a lot.
So am I the asshole for trying to get my girlfriend out of bed.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because perhaps I am being mean or hurtful in my language. I’m not perfect in how I convey how I am feeling. Perhaps the language I choose and body language and aura might be too harsh and maybe I am being mean. I don’t think I’m being mean though maybe I’m being harsh but I’m not trying to make her feel bad about herself I’m trying to understand if anything is wrong and what I can do to understand the situation better. I might be coming at the situation completely wrong maybe the one who should be complacent and just exist in the mess we have created.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta
Inactivity is killing her. She needs tough love, you are doing her a favour.
NTA……your partner is.
I wonder who lays in bed all day and scrolls on YouTube.
NTA but to me it sounds like your partner is depressed and needs help. I’ve been in this spot & you feel like shit for being a bum, so when anyone confronts you for it, you feel more like shit because you’ve been being hard on yourself all day, so you lash out at whoever is trying to help.
Support her how you can but no one can climb out of that hole but her.
You’re not the asshole for wanting your partner to be more present and engaged, especially when you’re carrying a lot of the emotional and physical load of the relationship. Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like you’re trying to hold the relationship and both of your lives together, and it’s wearing you down.
NTA. “Meanie??” She sounds like she’s role playing an infant. Get tf out of there.
iNFO: How is she lying in bed all day if she’s pursuing her undergrad and doing summer classes?
How is she doing nothing but laying in bed all day but also going to summer classes? Also while both of you are staying with her parents, she is likely regressing from having to live with her parents. Sounds like she is seriously depressed more than anything
But it sounds like you are now out of your depression (ie your health/weight struggles) and have a heightened sense of what is “Acceptable” without seeing where you were a bit ago while also not studying or having a job.
In sickness and in health, but she is your GF so if you find it to be too much, you should cut it here. NAH
Why are you bringing her food and collecting the plates? Make her get up and get it herself at a minimum
Her parents are paying for you to live and she’s doing classes…? How does not eating pineapple or raw fruits make it incredibly difficult to prepare food? I’m not understanding your complaint.
It sounds as though she is struggling with clinical depression. If this is the case, she isn’t going to snap out of it. You may want to talk to her parents about this concern and see if you can convince your girlfriend to see a doctor and a therapist.
If she refuses to get help, I’m sorry and empathize but you may well need to let her go in order to preserve your own health.
Nah. I’ve been the one that wants to stay in bed all day but I know it’s better to get out at least for 1 walk a day. Shalom you’re loved 💔
Nta. She’s clearly depressed but there’s little you can do about it if she isn’t willing to work with you even a little bit. A serious talk where she acknowledges the depression and agrees to work on it (whether that means therapy or simply getting out of bed every) needs to happen. If she refuses to acknowledge it or take steps to improve then you seriously need to think about leaving for your own good.
NTA
I wouldn’t use the phrase “do you want to get out of bed” because that sounds accusatory. I’d stick to more invitational phrases like “Hey it’s nice out! Want to go for a walk with me?”. I would also stop cooking for her. She’s a big girl, if she’s that picky she can cook for herself.
That being said as others have mentioned it sounds like she’s wicked depressed. You obviously can’t force her to get help but I would try and have a conversation with her and let her know your concern is for her health, not the lack of cooking, cleaning etc.
how do you do all the cooking cleaning and shopping if her parents do that? i’m confused
YTA – You don’t seem to realise that your girlfriend is depressed, and you are just sort of nagging her to do stuff occasionally, which can only make things worse.
Additionally you have the audacity to complain that it’s “hard” to do all the cooking and grocery shopping when you are getting free rent and bills from HER (yes it’s her parents, but she’s providing it to you). Also she’s doing summer classes whereas you have been unemployed for a year. Literally the only thing you contribute is doing the cooking and shopping, and you get to live for free.
She sucks too, but less so. She’s clearly depressed, and needs help, but I don’t think she’s the asshole for that, and I actually think it’s quite impressive that she’s managed to stick to her summer classes. I think she’s a little bit the asshole for calling you a ‘meanie’ and things like that – because she’s not a child, but thats pretty minor in the scheme of things. She needs treatment, but that’s doesn’t make her an asshole.
Honestly it sounds like neither of you have your shit together, but given that you have been mooching off her family for a year and you still don’t have a job, AND you don’t seem to have taken any steps to help with getting your girlfriend’s depression treated, AND you have the audacity to be complaining about her on Reddit, you are the asshole here.
NTA but this doesn’t sound like a functional relationship.
It sounds like you’ve fallen out of love with her and are disappointed in her, she’s sensing it. Do you want to be with her or are just dependent on her/her parents
YTA. You’re living off her. For the last year. She’s in school and her parents are keeping the roof over your head & food in your fridge. If you’ve lived with her for 3 years you should be used to her food allergies/preferences.
I get that you want credit for paying most of the bills for the previous 2 years but you didn’t indicate that you paid for everything. Currently (and for the last year) she’s been paying for it all.
This seems to be a you problem. Like you’re trying to find fault with her because you’re feeling some sorta way due to being unemployed this long and reliant on her. You’re free to leave. She’s a grown adult, she can figure out how to eat. But then you’d need to figure out rent, food and living expenses.
Break up