My husband and I got married in January before he left for basic training in February. Since then, our main way of communicating has been through letters. He mostly writes about training and says he misses me and our daughter. I write back with support and updates, but he rarely responds to anything I say. That’s fine—I know he’s busy, and I appreciate any effort.
He’s always had some anger issues and tends to view everything as “dumb.” On our Sunday calls, he mostly vents about others at training who aren’t putting in the same effort. Every week he repeats the same complaints, and while I try to be supportive, it’s draining.
This week, I asked him if he had anything to tell me. Specifically, I asked if he had been vaping in January or February before he left. I already knew the answer because I saw vape-related charges on our joint account but wanted to give him the chance to be honest. He claimed they were probably for his mom or sister, but “probably” threw me off. He got defensive and said I was accusing him and that it was my fault for looking at the bank statements.
This wasn’t the first time. Years ago, I found an inappropriate app on his phone and he told me it was my fault for looking. Before he left, we also argued because I caught him using his mom’s vape—he said it was a one-time thing, but clearly it wasn’t.
This matters because we promised to be better for our daughter. I used to vape too, but I quit cold turkey when I got pregnant. I just wanted honesty if he slipped up—not lies or deflection.
After our argument, the rest of the call was silent until we said “Love you, bye.” I hate to admit this, but I felt more peaceful spending time with my daughter and family afterward. My husband and I argue like this often, and I’m tired. I love him, and I want our marriage to work. I just wish he could understand me better.
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My husband and I got married in January before he left for basic training in February. Since then, our main way of communicating has been through letters. He mostly writes about training and says he misses me and our daughter. I write back with support and updates, but he rarely responds to anything I say. That’s fine—I know he’s busy, and I appreciate any effort.
He’s always had some anger issues and tends to view everything as “dumb.” On our Sunday calls, he mostly vents about others at training who aren’t putting in the same effort. Every week he repeats the same complaints, and while I try to be supportive, it’s draining.
This week, I asked him if he had anything to tell me. Specifically, I asked if he had been vaping in January or February before he left. I already knew the answer because I saw vape-related charges on our joint account but wanted to give him the chance to be honest. He claimed they were probably for his mom or sister, but “probably” threw me off. He got defensive and said I was accusing him and that it was my fault for looking at the bank statements.
This wasn’t the first time. Years ago, I found an inappropriate app on his phone and he told me it was my fault for looking. Before he left, we also argued because I caught him using his mom’s vape—he said it was a one-time thing, but clearly it wasn’t.
This matters because we promised to be better for our daughter. I used to vape too, but I quit cold turkey when I got pregnant. I just wanted honesty if he slipped up—not lies or deflection.
After our argument, the rest of the call was silent until we said “Love you, bye.” I hate to admit this, but I felt more peaceful spending time with my daughter and family afterward. My husband and I argue like this often, and I’m tired. I love him, and I want our marriage to work. I just wish he could understand me better.
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ESH. Him for lying about the vaping, and you for adding stress during basic.
Not sure what branch he’s in but I went through USMC boot camp and mail call was the highlight of the day (we didn’t get weekly phone calls when I went through back in the stone ages). Having a fight at that point would absolutely fuck my week up, way worse than him vaping would mess yours. It was literally the only good thing during an otherwise total shit fest. The last thing I wanted was to argue about something stupid.
Also, not for nothing, but unless things are drastically different now I seriously doubt he’s allowed to smoke/dip/vape or anything. So maybe he was using this as an opportunity to quit?
Either way I stand by him being an asshole for lying about it, but also really advise you to give him some slack as some people literally tried to off themselves because of how shitty boot camp is. Give him some peace to look forward to, and if it is still an issue after training then address it then. If he actually quit in the mean time there’s no need to bring it up again
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> I think I might be the asshole, because I brought a problem to my husband while he was in basic training
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. You are tired because you are tiresome to deal with. He vaped. OMG. You act like he cheated on you. You are just mad because you went cold turkey and don’t get to vape, so you are creating arguments with him.
I don’t know what the inappropriate app is that you found, but if it was clearly bad, i bet you would have stated what it is.
Your fiance needs to stop coming up with dumb answers though and just own it. You are not his boss. If he wants to vape periodically and it’s not affecting your child, that’s his call.
NTA, it’s from the joint account so it’s your money too. You’re allowed to know what he’s spending it on.
INFO
> He’s always had some anger issues and tends to view everything as “dumb.”
And what about that was marriage material?
Why did you choose “THIS is the person for me” rather than just wait for someone who wasn’t angry and dismissive of everything? You’re SO young.
YTA
You married him 3 months ago. You’ve known his character flaws. Now complaining is dumb. There’s no element of surprise here.
You’ve married him, you have to deal with it or step out.
Joint bank account at 23 is his first mistake.
NTA. Dude chose to enlist while you two have a kid? Divorce his ass now and move on. I spent 15 years in the military, and stopped reenlisting when my first was born. Being in the military is not compatible with being a nurturing parent.
Some asshole is going to come in behind me and say “uh uh, my daddy gave the best hugs, and he was a navy sniper paratrooper green beret, with V device” but there are millions of military brats that beg to differ.
Unless you’re staying with him just to hook up with his friends while he’s deployed, there isn’t really a reason to drag this marriage out. He knew what he was doing when he enlisted. Or he should have.
Complaining about vaping is valid, but petty. Either way, just move on.
NTA.
It should be expected that you, the person presumably handling all the household issues while your spouse is at basic training, should be able to -look at the joint account you both depend on-.
The idea that “how dare you know where money goes” is a massive step towards financial abuse.
He’s lying to you, he has a pattern of lying to you and anger issues.
I get that you love him but please, think about your future and your daughter’s future. This is a potentially very bad road you’re headed down.
This is a perfect time for you to cut your losses. You have a married an immature idiot, with the emotional intelligence of a rock. Is that what you want your daughter to be around?
NTA. You have a serious communication and honesty issue in your marriage. Only you can determine if it’s the way you want to live. He’s not going to suddenly decide to stop hiding and lying.
NTA. It’s your fault for looking? This is such a huge red flag
Why did you even get married? He’s emotionally draining with all his complaining. You can’t be direct and just say what you found. If he’s vaping, he’s vaping. Grown man has to make his own decisions.
Ah…the gaslighting narcissist. It is YOUR fault that HE did something wrong because you caught him…not because HE did something wrong.
This won’t end. He doesn’t share with you…you are a house to come home to until his next impulse.
NTA.
Get out before it gets worse.
You don’t respect boundaries gonna drive him crazy when he gets back.
You are the problem. Annoying.
I’m sorry, but you knew how he was years ago when you found an app on his phone but you married him anyways and got pregnant. I don’t know what you were expecting out of this marriage. You cannot change him!
ESH, your “gotcha” question doesn’t help you and your husband’s communication. You could have easily said I saw that you purchased vapes, and I thought we’d agreed that you would stop.
Him trying to turn the blame on you because you looked at the statements is equally childish as your “gotcha” question. You’re not the AH for having the question, but both of you need to learn how to communicate in a more mature manner.
Why is his sister and mother on your joint account? This needs to be rectified.
You have plenty of time to get out of this marriage when he’s not around, and I suggest you do that.
He’s already shown some red flags and it’s not going to get better, and I worry for your safety if you do it while he’s home.
Get your stuff in order, get out of the house, and start divorce proceedings
Why on earth did you marry him? He sounds awful
NTA obviously
Why do you want it to work with someone who treats you so terribly? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who speaks to her that way?