Today while speaking with my MIL she confessed that she and my FIL find it off-putting when I ask my husband for help with our kids when we are at their house. For example, changing diapers. She told me her husband never changed a diaper at any point in their marriage. She further let me know that my FIL finds me controlling for asking my husband for help when our kids (3 and 1) are throwing tantrums or knocking things over in their house. She said I shouldn’t interrupt my husband when he is having g a conversation with his father. (Their home isn’t child proofed at all.) I told her sometimes I need help with diaper changes because our child will squirm around and I don’t want to get poop on their white furniture. She responded, “a lot of single moms do things by themselves.” I was honestly shocked by her remarks as I was opening up to her about some difficult things I’ve been going through, including having a miscarriage earlier this year. I now no longer feel comfortable going over to their home.
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Today while speaking with my MIL she confessed that she and my FIL find it off-putting when I ask my husband for help with our kids when we are at their house. For example, changing diapers. She told me her husband never changed a diaper at any point in their marriage. She further let me know that my FIL finds me controlling for asking my husband for help when our kids (3 and 1) are throwing tantrums or knocking things over in their house. She said I shouldn’t interrupt my husband when he is having g a conversation with his father. (Their home isn’t child proofed at all.) I told her sometimes I need help with diaper changes because our child will squirm around and I don’t want to get poop on their white furniture. She responded, “a lot of single moms do things by themselves.” I was honestly shocked by her remarks as I was opening up to her about some difficult things I’ve been going through, including having a miscarriage earlier this year. I now no longer feel comfortable going over to their home.
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> 1) asking my husband for help at my in laws 2) they think I’m controlling my husband
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA…. You have to know this already…
Ask MIL if she is suggesting you divorce your husband and apologize that her husband was a shitty husband and father. Let her know it’s unacceptable for a parent to not parent their child and you expect more of her son than she did her husband.
Definitely not at all. I have similar in-laws who have these traditional values (though we don’t have kids). I think that them trying to shame you is strange and frankly, he should be standing up for you in these situations. Marriage is a partnership. It doesn’t matter if they did it differently. If you and your husband do it one way, then that’s all that matters. If they’re so concerned about you asking him to help, maybe they should volunteer to assist.
NTA. He’s your husband and their FATHER. And his parents sound like enablers for their child to be worthless. You deserve an involved partner just as much as your children deserve an involved father. It shouldn’t all fall on you.
NTA. MIL is trapped in another century, and is unpleasant about her shoddy choices. FIL, the less said the better. Husband? I hope he is on board with you.
You aren’t a single mom! Holy Crap why a moronic thing to say.
NTA, and start distancing yourself.
He is still a parent, can’t set aside your obligations just because you are at your parents house, that’s just an excuse and as a parent of two boys in their 30s I do have a little experience.. you are definitely nta..
NTA But you should not have to ask your husband to help with your children at all. If he a parent or just another baby you have to take care of?
NTA.
1. You’re not a single mom.
2. They find you off putting… cool. You weren’t trying to turn them on so that’s ok.
3. They just lost grandparent privileges until they respect your dynamic.
4. They seem weird.
NTA. Holy cow. You’re not a single mom and they’re his kids too. I hope he doesn’t share their views.
NTA it’s not her marriage
NTA and your in-laws are AWFUL. Husband isn’t looking too flash either. Why do you frequently need to ask for his help? Why isn’t he actively parenting with you?
NTA. It’s not “helping” you, its your husband’s job as a parent. Keep reminding him to parent his kids. MIL and FIL have something wrong with them. Don’t engage with them. Tell husband to get them to stop insulting you and being ridiculous, and if that doesn’t work, stop visiting them.
NTA. “Well luckily for my children their father is a better father than his father was.”
Sounds like they’re very old school, and wrong in their beliefs. The wife isn’t supposed to do EVERYTHING by herself. NTA but I wouldn’t blame you for never showing up at their house again. Or maybe once or twice a year for holidays.
INFO: why are you having to “ask” your husband for “help” at all – is he not an equal parent? Obviously your MIL is the asshole but it sounds like your husband may be too, or an E S H situation if you married into this family knowing how all of them are.
don’t go. If they want to visit with the children, let him take them over. he is not a paycheck. he is a parent. If they can’t see that, that is their problem not yours.
How does you husband feel about this?
NTA
NTA. Where is your husband when your IL’s are disrespecting and criticizing your parenting and your marriage? It’s sad that your MIL doesn’t understand that having a husband who never took care of his children or supported his wife is not something to be proud of.
Your FIL calling you controlling for asking your husband to help you with your children is actually ridiculous. It’s a joke.
How you raise your kids and the dynamics of your marriage is none of your IL’s business.
Your husband needs to handle his parents.
NTA tell her I’m sorry I was wrong for asking my husband for help. You are right I should ask my husband he should just help. Just because your husband refused to step up and be a dad doesn’t mean I have to allow my husband to usurp his fatherly duties. And you are right single mother do things by themselves but I’m not a single mother. I’m married to the father of my children and I expect him yo take an active role in his children’s care. I’m sorry that you didn’t have the support you should have had but don’t visit that upon me.
Tell MIL times have changed. Men are no longer allowed to smack strange women on their ass or tell a coworker she looks hot. Children have to be in car seats and babies can’t sleep on their stomachs or with anything in the crib but the baby. And men share parenting duties. That’s why a lot of companies give men paternity leave now. And modern men split housework and other chores.
Make MIL and FIL understand that men are no longer considered helpless, useless partners whose only function is to work in a 9-5 office and bring home a paycheck. And you don’t want a husband who is so outdated that he doesn’t understand the 21st Century. Hopefully your husband isn’t listening to his dad saying you are controlling because it sounds like they want you to be a single mother.
Off putting? Good, he shouldn’t be eyeing his son’s wife.
Fil never helped? Good, again I’m not married to him, so no idea why you’re telling me what your husband did. I’m not looking for FIL to be my spouse.
Lots of single moms do it? Is that why FIL left you to parent in your own? Was the actual father to her kids dead or not around, and FiL was simply her bedmate? Is that why he never helped, cuz the kids weren’t his and she was a single mom?
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NTA and I strongly suggest limiting time spent with your in-laws.
Also, “a lot of single mom do things by themselves” giving MIL major side eye at this.
NTA. I would never go to their house again.
NTA. MIL probably comes from traditions where men (fathers) don’t have anything to do with the kids and just get to have the “fun” part. Your husband HAS to help you with the kids since they’re his too and is his duty as their father.
Talk to your husband and tell him what your MIL said and the view that FIL has of you, it’s very important to understand where the problem is or he sees nothing wrong with what his parents said
NTA. Disclaimer: I have never been married, and I don’t have kids.
You and your husband have to stand your ground on these things. Otherwise, your in-laws will feel like you’re giving them permission to tell you how to be a spouse and a parent. Since it’s your husband’s side of the family, he should be the one making things clear. He’s the one that has to tell them he wants to be the kind of dad that changes his kids diapers. You guys are adults. Never let anyone push their own weird values onto you. If they don’t want to feel uncomfortable, then you and your kids might as well not visit them.
I would say “good thing I’m not a single mom” and “your husband problems are not MY husband problems”. ( that second one depending on how good a husband yours is).
NTA
Tell your mother-in-law you find it offputting that she’s stuck 50 years in the past
NTA and why isn’t your husband offering in the first place? You shouldn’t be asking him.
“She responded, “a lot of single moms do things by themselves.” – I would have said “I am not a single mother. I have a husband and he agreed to be a parent so I will continue to insist that he be one.”
Your husband needs to be the one to shut this down. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going over there anymore. In fact, don’t unless he steps up and communicates to his parents that their views are not acceptable.
NTA- my birth mother was like this. When she randomly showed up to visit she expected me to stop what I was doing and entertain her. Like ma’am I’m a mother and a wife first. I can’t stop doing homework, cooking dinner, etc to sit and gossip with you. And no my husband will not be doing it all alone. We’re a team.
He is a parent too and should contribute to the care of his children.
NTA, he is as equally a parent as you are, they are just as much his responsibility. If I were you, I just simply wouldn’t go there anymore. You are not a single mom, that comparison is insane
NTA. Your in-laws need to crawl out of the 1950s and touch some goddamn modern parenting.
Your MIL really sat there with her whole chest and told you “my husband never changed a diaper in our marriage,” as if that’s some legacy of masculine excellence instead of a confession of complete uselessness. And now your reward for daring to expect your actual co-parent to do literally the bare minimum is being branded “controlling”? I’d laugh if it weren’t so rage-inducing.
You’re juggling two toddlers in a house that’s basically a baby death trap, and instead of support, you’re getting “a lot of single moms do it alone” as if that’s aspirational and not a screaming indictment of failed partnership? What the hell kind of response is that? That’s not wisdom, that’s emotional neglect with a smug little bow on top.
Your husband should be changing diapers and shutting down his parents’ prehistoric nonsense, not sitting in a father-son fireside chat while you’re trying to wrestle a poop-covered gremlin on white upholstery. If he isn’t doing that, he’s the one who needs to be “interrupted,” not you.
The real problem here isn’t you asking for help—it’s that your in-laws think basic parental involvement is somehow emasculating. That’s not your burden to carry, and I wouldn’t blame you one bit for limiting visits until everyone over there learns how to act right.
You’re not controlling. You’re surviving. And frankly, they’re lucky you’re still showing up at all
NTA The best thing if you are going to have to look after the kids alone is to stay in your home with them, where you and they are comfortable. MIL and FIL can enjoy uninterrupted time with their son. Petty I know, but too bad.
My Dad is 85 and he was a very involved parent when we were kids. This is not a generational thing. This is just her being a busybody asshole.
Have you told your husband what she’s saying? This is his problem to deal with. Sit down with him. Be completely honest. Listen to what he has to say and then the two of you decide how you want to deal with this, and he gets to talk to his parents about it.
NTA. Tell your MIL & FIL you are not living in the 16th century.
It sounds like you & your husband need to have a serious discussion about co-parenting & how HE is going to deal with HIS parents (both of them). He needs to take the lead in addressing their expectations of his & your behavior.
She’s bothered by how you behave with the kids in her house?
Stop bringing the kids to her house. Problem solved.
Y-W-B-T-A if you don’t have your husband shut that down right now. You don’t have to do things like a single mother because you’re not one. And they are half his kids so he needs to take care of his half and you’ll take care of your half.
But the only thing she should be bothered about is the fact that you’re having to ask your husband and he’s not jumping into help without you needing to ask.
You need to talk to your husband and he needs to shut this crap down. He should be the one to correct his mother and father.
Stop going over there and stop taking your kids. Tell them they can come visit at your home. If she complains about you asking him for help in your own home you just say “our house, our rules”
NTA
Is your husband letting you do all the work or is this a situation where you just happen to notice the diaper needs changing? If it the former, you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. If it’s the later and you and you husband are a good team, I would turn this into a game. I would make a point on the next visit to have your husband be the lead parent and have you sit as much as possible. Just to make a point with the ILs. It would also be fun to watch them be uncomfortable seeing their son actually parent.
Marriage has changed and most of us want to be egalitarian parents.
NTA I would no longer go over to your IL’s. Your husband can bring the kids himself while you take a mental health day.
NTA your husband isn’t helping, he’s parenting…and quite frankly he should be parenting without you having to ask. He should also be putting a stop to this with the in-laws. My husband is a SAHD which was a shock to my conservative in-laws. He shut it down real quick and now my MIL loves that her son is so hands on.
You need no contact with your in-laws. Their ideas of parenting are archaic and so out of date. You for one are not a single mom. You and your husband are co-parents. They need to learn that as a couple you a combined deal. Tell them that him, you, and the children will not be coming over again until they get it through their heads that times have changed. That a parent that puts all the children care on the other is a deadbeat and you don’t care how things used to be done
Where was your husband in all of this? You need to have a conversation and make him deal with his parents. If he refuses, it’s telling. NTA.
“well it’s a good thing I’m not a single mom then, isn’t it?”
“If I were a single mom I wouldn’t be taking my baby to visit someone who has white furniture.”
Like…what the actual crap. NTA, but your ILs sure are.
They don’t want to hear how you ask your husband to help? Done, don’t ever go to their house again. Also, you shouldn’t have to ask for help from your husband, he’s also the kids parent, he should be there too, not just wait until you ask for help.
NTA – Sorry OP but I wouldn’t darken their door ever again and this is not values you want your children to learn. The kids belong to both of you therefor both of you care for them. Do you or your husband not respond to these comments? because they are extremely inappropriate and archaic. You need to have a conversation with your husband on how you are going to respond to these remarks as a United front. Do not tolerate any more sh*t from these people.
NTA
Your MiL os emotionally incest and views your husband as her surrogate husband. She wants all of his undivided attention, you’re the babysitter not his equal half. She is being manipulative by telling you FIL has an issue with your husband being an active parent because she is jealous that your husband helps and hers didnt. She is likely lying about him ever having said that.
Your husband needs to shut this down and stand by you with respect.
Do not confide in her, she is not your friend.
Why cant SHE step in so the kings counsel will never be interrupted again?
She prob hopes you’ll just stop coming over with him so she can “have him back”
NTA. I would literally never go over there again. He’s not “helping” you he’s doing his fair share of the work with his kids. If he doesn’t want to help he can do 100% of the work on his weekends.
NTA. Her precious son can’t change a diaper are you kidding. He’s a man. He has to do manly things like cut the grass and have a beer with his dad and certainly not do any kind of menial work his wife should be doing. You must be a horrible human being for asking him to help you. That’s what his mom is thinking anyway. I think you’re right on target you need help, you ask and he is their parent and father so he needs to step up when you need assistance. He shouldn’t even have to be asked you should do it automatically.
NTA. Next time tell her, well it’s a good thing our LOs have 2 caring parents who are equal partners when it comes to parenting and not stuck in the 50s. If hubs doesn’t back you up, remind him that single fathers do things by themselves as well.
NTA and the “a lot of single moms do it” comment had me in a rage. My snap back would be “yeah some do, but I have a husband, and he is an equal parent/partner.”
Your in laws are what my grandmother used to call, “a piece of work”. Their opinions are just that, theirs. I’d spend less time there. Your husband helped make the kids, he can help raise them. Seriously WTF with them. That’s some BS.
NTA Stop going there.
Sure, singme mom’s do thise things by themselves. However, you are not a single mom. Your husband is also a parent and should contribute to said parenting duties. You aren’t controlling, you’re a parent attempting to parent your children, and asking the other parent for help isn’t some catastrophe.
NTA but your husband needs to get on the same page quickly.
NTA. He is their father, he helped create those children.
He should help in every way possible because he is your husband and should be taking equal responsibility in raising said children.
Your in laws are old fashioned and AHs.
Don’t let them bully you.
My 83 year old FIL would be right in there helping too.
NTA lol your MIL is hilarious my response to her would be if I wanted to be a single parent I wouldn’t be married. You might have been okay with your husband not helping with his children but I am not if he can make a child he can help with the child. FIL needs to stfu and learn what it means to be a father this I bring in the money bullshit doesn’t fly anymore. Welcome to parenthood.
‘You might as well be a single mother because I raised my son to be an absentee father with zero involvement in raising his own kids’ is not the badge of honor your MIL seems to think it is.
You need to talk to your husband and he needs to shut this nonsense from his parents down now.
Anyway, NTA.
OMG I am so angry on your behalf. FIL never changing a diaper is a failure as a father, not something to boast about. MIL should be telling her son to help out out. Or better yet husband should help you without asking. I’d stop going over there altogether. (Or you can let your kids destroy their house to show MIL what “not being controlling” looks like but that’s reinforcing bad behavior from kids so…)
NTA but remember they weren’t modern parents and this was the attitude for a long time.
How did your husband respond when you told him what his mom said?
No problem MIL, I will never ask husband for help with kids at your home again. Because my children will never be in your home again.
NTA “a lot of single moms” you’re not a single mom
Go all in and next time you’re there tell them you are role playing ‘single mom’ and it’s dads weekend with with kids.
Or just send him with the kids next time and you stay at home
NTA I think MIL may be projecting her jealousy that your DH is actively parenting. However one question why are you asking for help? They’re his kids too and he should just do stuff that needs doing.
Absolutely NTA. What she’s saying is extremely outdated, having children is something that you and your husband both committed to, and therefore you share the responsibility. It doesn’t matter if you ‘interrupted’ his conversation with FIL, kids do that, sometimes they need attention while you might be occupied and that’s just life. MIL and FIL need to crawl out of whatever rock they’re living under and face the reality that children are not a woman’s sole responsibility anymore.
I hope that you have or that you will talk to your husband about this, and that he doesn’t agree with his parents.
My response to “A lot of single moms do things by themselves.” would be “Good thing I’m not single.”
NTA
Wow! Your husband has to fix this now! Or does he like being the single son while he visits them? It’s what she wants apparently.
NTA but you haven’t mentioned how your husband feels about this. It seems to me like all the adults need to have a frank discussion about expectations, and op needs to ensure she’s not gaslit into believing she’s being unreasonable by asking for assistance handling 2 young children in an environment not equipped for them by her supposed “partner.”
DO NOT let her bully you. Simply tell her that your generation expects hands on fathers and sharing of responsibilities. Tell your husband what she said and that you expect him to help when you’re at their home or he can take the kids himself and his mama can help him deal with the kids.
NTA and, at best, husband would be taking the kids alone to their house from now on. Let them break stuff and get poop on furniture. Husband can deal with it. Including dealing with his parents, who are clearly stuck in the 1900s and also a lil nuts. FIL not changing a diaper isn’t a flex. And my immediate response would have been, “omg, I’m so sorry you were married to such a useless partner!”
NTA
Your MIL is a dipshit.
My boomer parents were in their early 20s when my brother was born. They were a team because they were young and dumb and didn’t know any better
They learned as they went. My Dad changed diapers, bathed us, fed us- just like my Mom did.
Your FIL not changing a diaper is not the flex MIL thinks it is. Lastly, they are your husband’s children, too. You would think your MIL would be proud her son is such a great and involved Dad.
It sounds like your husband is a very capable partner. That is a wonderful thing. You two just keep doing your thing, your way. You two are rocking parenthood, and your children will grow up all the luckier for it.
NTA
“a lot of single moms do things by themselves.” Yes, because they NEED, not because they want. You are not single. The child is his child too. MIL should be grateful for her son being a better father than her husband.
NTA serious boundaries need to be set with MIL and your husband is responsible for that.
NTA I’m a single mum. My dad regularly comes over to my house after his work and does bedtime with my daughter.
Tonight he played with her, bathed her (she weed all over him during this), put moisturiser on her (she has eczema), changed her, gave her a bottle and got her to sleep.
I can do it on my own, I’m grateful for help. If I’d had her in a relationship definitely expect parenting from the other parent. None of what you asked is unreasonable.
As long as your husband is there for you at his parents’ house, as long as he is still stepping up and helping out when needed, then I would ignore their old fashioned attitudes. But if he starts slacking off or backing them up – then you have an issue. I would tell husband what MIL said though about you being controlling – so next time it happens he can address it directly. You are NTAH here – and hopefully husband has your back
I wouldn’t go out of my way to visit them again EVER! You should keep asking your husband for help, he’s their father. But now it probably makes sense, Dad never helped Mom, that how’s he grew up….sorry your husband family sucks!
NTA. Times have changed. When she says “my husband never changed a diaper” tell her it’s unkind to out him as a bad dad, or “oh, that must have been so awful! I’m so sorry you had to go through that!”
Then talk about how happy it make you feel to have a husband who is involved. You feel like such a close and supportive family together!
Don’t get defensive, don’t talk about it like he’s ‘helping’ you – make it 100% that he wants to be an involved part of the family, there for good times and bad.
Stop going to their home. And let your husband know that he seems to find it challenging to help you with his children in his parent’s home that is not childproof, so the safest and easiest thing is for you to not go their. If he wants to go, that’s his business. He can even carry the kids with him. Facilitating those visits is not your job.
NTA
“I’m glad it so clearly worked for you and your family but that is not how are family runs and my husband helps” with a smile. I have no patience for male family members and their spouses that believe they are above being an involved coparent.
NTA if your husband has no problem helping out then you need to tell him what was said to you and make him handle his messed up family and their disgracefully outdated views on how marriages and parenting work. If it’s a him problem you might need to take a second look at the marriage.
I wouldn’t be going back to that house. NTA.
I would stop going round
Your husband can go see them on his own .
You don’t what kids picking up on stuff .i
NTA. Just tell her “oh so you think I should divorce him and be a single mother?”
“ that’s interesting. I find it offputting that my husband abandons all parenting duties when he’s at your house. I guess I’ll just keep the kids home instead and then everyone will be happy. I should hope that you have higher standards for your son than our marriage being equivalent of me being a single mother and not changing a diaper isn’t something to brag about. “
“DH, when you go to your parents house, you kind of get into a role of their child and instead of husband of me and parent to your children. The next time we go over, I’d like you to be on kid duty…. I don’t wanna have to ask you to do anything cause I want you to notice that the kids need to change their diaper or be fed or played with. I’m just gonna be sitting there and you’ll be in charge and you’re gonna show your mom that you could be a good father and you’re not gonna use your father as a baby parenting role model”
Question: Does your husband willingly help with the kids? This is something he should respond to. Or, is he looking at you like a maid while at his parents? NTA
NTA. Tell your husband everything she said to you, and how you responded, and then tell him that in future, either he can go over there solo, or he can take the kids without you, so she never questions who is responsible for the kids while they’re there. Just remove yourself from the conversation, and make it clear that in future, he needs to be point person for communications and coordinating any kind of visits with his parents, since they don’t respect you or your needs, or your marriage dynamic. Don’t play into it, don’t respond with frustration or sadness, just grey rock when around them, and limit any future visiting with you personally.
What does your husband say, and how is he going to deal with his parent’s crappy, old-fashioned, misogynistic attitudes? He needs to put them in their place if he expects you and the children to visit them again.
You are NTA, and I hope your husband isn’t either. I’m of the firm belief that if you are old enough to be married and have children, your are old enough to tell your parents to mind their own business and keep their crappy opinions to themselves, and then you step back and let them manage their own emotions, if they get it, great, if they don’t, they get a time out.
Good luck.
NTA. You are not a single mother and your husband is also a parent. I’m sure your MIL would not like any advice on how to run her marriage so you don’t need to heed hers. What needs to happen is your HUSBAND needs to step up and shut down the nonsense that interrupting important man talk is rude and he should be proactive about tending to the children without you having to ask for “help”. He’s doing his job as a father not “helping” you at your job. This is true even if you are a SAHM. He’s not at work 24/7 and neither are you.
Oh well send you hubby there with the kids. You stay home. Congratulations! A day off for you!
NTA
You should either ignore it or if it comes up, tell her you feel uncomfortable knowing your FIL wasn’t really a parent and how glad your husband learned to be one.
nta
Honestly it sounds like mil is jealous that your husband is a hands on father when hers wasn’t and she doesn’t want to see that happening in her own home. Tell her “times have changed, dads parent just as much as moms now and it’s a wonderful thing for the entire family” and move on.