AITA for asking my mom to tone it down a bit?
Throwaway because my mom’s on Reddit.
I (18F) have a mom (38F) who’s always been very attractive. She takes great care of herself; she’s into fitness, skincare, fashion, all of it. Because of that, she looks much younger than her age, and people constantly assume we’re sisters. When I was younger, I thought it was kind of fun, even flattering. But now it’s just uncomfortable.
Over the past couple of years, as I’ve started having more guy friends over, my mom’s behavior around them has started to feel off. It’s nothing extreme or outwardly inappropriate, but it’s consistent. She’ll linger when I have friends over, make jokes that come off as flirtatious, or compliment my friends in ways that go beyond what’s normal for a parent. She has a certain way of talking and presenting herself that clearly gets attention, and she doesn’t seem to mind when that attention comes from people my age.
She also tends to dress very casually around them, which, again, isn’t wrong, but given the context, it feels like she’s performing. She’ll sit with us for long stretches and join our conversations like she’s part of the group. Some of my friends don’t seem to mind; in fact, I think a few of them enjoy the attention. But it makes me feel like I’m being overshadowed in my own space, like I’ve been demoted to the background while my mom becomes the main character.
Last week after she spent most of the evening chatting with one of my friends during movie night, I brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well. She said I was overreacting and being insecure, and that she wasn’t doing anything wrong by being herself.
Since then, things have been tense between us. She’s not openly hostile, but she’s clearly distant and a little cold. I feel bad because I don’t want to shame her for how she looks or how she chooses to live her life, and I’m not trying to say attractive women should hide themselves. But I also feel like I should be allowed to set boundaries, especially when it comes to my personal friendships.
AITA?
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AITA for asking my mom to tone it down a bit?
Throwaway because my mom’s on Reddit.
I (18F) have a mom (38F) who’s always been very attractive. She takes great care of herself; she’s into fitness, skincare, fashion, all of it. Because of that, she looks much younger than her age, and people constantly assume we’re sisters. When I was younger, I thought it was kind of fun, even flattering. But now it’s just uncomfortable.
Over the past couple of years, as I’ve started having more guy friends over, my mom’s behavior around them has started to feel off. It’s nothing extreme or outwardly inappropriate, but it’s consistent. She’ll linger when I have friends over, make jokes that come off as flirtatious, or compliment my friends in ways that go beyond what’s normal for a parent. She has a certain way of talking and presenting herself that clearly gets attention, and she doesn’t seem to mind when that attention comes from people my age.
She also tends to dress very casually around them, which, again, isn’t wrong, but given the context, it feels like she’s performing. She’ll sit with us for long stretches and join our conversations like she’s part of the group. Some of my friends don’t seem to mind; in fact, I think a few of them enjoy the attention. But it makes me feel like I’m being overshadowed in my own space, like I’ve been demoted to the background while my mom becomes the main character.
Last week after she spent most of the evening chatting with one of my friends during movie night, I brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well. She said I was overreacting and being insecure, and that she wasn’t doing anything wrong by being herself.
Since then, things have been tense between us. She’s not openly hostile, but she’s clearly distant and a little cold. I feel bad because I don’t want to shame her for how she looks or how she chooses to live her life, and I’m not trying to say attractive women should hide themselves. But I also feel like I should be allowed to set boundaries, especially when it comes to my personal friendships.
AITA?
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> I might have hurt my mom’s feelings and made her feel bad about just looking pretty.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA mom is being widely inappropriate. It’s one thing if your friends are coming to have dinner with the family or whatever but they are coming to hang out with you. Mom needs friends her own age.
nobody the AH , just different perspective
I honestly think your mom just likes to talk to people and is the kind of person who can fit into a group fast and easy .
i can understand why it would make you uncomfortable .
try to write down your thoughts and then have a conversation with your mom . having everything written down might help you express your boundaries easier and into a better form , making it also easier for your mom to understand them .
> she spent most of the evening chatting with one of my friends during movie night, I brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable
> made her feel bad about just looking pretty.
Which is it? You’re uncomfortable about her chatting to your friends, or just existing as an attractive person?
it’s very normal to not want your mum to hang out with your friends.
It’s polite to say hello, maybe have a chat then absent yourself.
Maybe once everything calms down have a conversation with your mum, you love her, you’re proud of her, but she needs to let you live your life and engage with your friends in your own way. This is very normal.
Can you hang out somewhere else until it settles?
NAH, but it’s odd that she’s doing this around your friends.
Depending on how you said it, probably made her defensive but you are NTA for expressing how you feel especially since it’s a very valid feeling to have in this situation. Kinda feels like she’s attention seeking but maybe she just genuinely likes getting to know your friends. I know I’ve had to double check myself because people say I come off as flirtatious all the time and half the time I’m not
INFO – was your mom chatting openly with your friend WHILE the movie was playing during movie night? because if so, that seems much more deliberate than if she were to just join in on conversations that were already taking place.
I’d say a little more info is needed. What does dressing casually mean? Can you give specific examples of flirty comments?
Your mom wanting to be involved with your life and having curiosity about the people you surrounded yourself with is pretty normal.
I’d say without knowing the comments she’s making or how she’s dressing it’s hard to weigh in on this.
I think if it bothers you that much you need to have a conversation with her don’t just tell her to “tone it down”, but give her specific examples of things she’s said that you deem to be inappropriate. You could also ask that if you have friends over she only stays to chat for a bit and then gives you some space to hang out with your friends.
INFO
> But I also feel like I should be allowed to set boundaries, especially when it comes to my personal friendships.
So what boundary are you setting?
Are you willing to stop having friends over?
> But it makes me feel like I’m being overshadowed in my own space, like I’ve been demoted to the background while my mom becomes the main character.
How is this specifically about her being your mom? If this were any other attractive girl in your group, wouldn’t this just be jealousy?
I would give anything to have a mother like yours. Active, present, a good role model (taking good care of herself) and makes an effort to get to know my friends? Sounds like a really cool lady & no wonder your friends love her! Really look inside yourself on this one bc I think that’s where the problem lies; insecurity
Need more specifics on what you mean by dressing casually. Also what is flirty about her actions or speech?
It’s your moms house. If you don’t want her around your friends, find somewhere else to hang out. It sounds like you’re jealous of her relationship with them.
Also just a note – some people would be so excited to have a parent who cares enough to get to know your friends.
NTA. Your mom is allowed to exist and live in her space. That means dressing casual and talking to whomever come over. But that doesn’t mean she needs to be part of your group. The easy solution is to not hang out with your friends at your house. Your mom could be seeking validation and attention from your peers because you’re now at the same age she was when she gave birth to you.
I think there’s 2 issues. You’re insecure about her looking like your sister. and you don’t want her hanging out with your friends. Both can be true, only you can know if you don’t like her hanging out with your friends because she looks like your sister.
You expressed that it makes you uncomfortable. Depending on how bluntly, tone, and words used could make you an AH. But for just expressing it. NTA.
NTA for wanting to socialize with your friends without Mommy inserting herself into every gathering. That’s weird behavior for her.
It sounds like your mom is insecure about getting older and wants to believe she’s still attractive to very young men. As we get older, we keep a mental image of ourselves that may or may not match what we really look like. It sounds like your mother always got a lot of validation based on her appearance and she’s afraid of losing that.
That doesn’t mean it’s OK for her to try to join her eighteen-year-old daughter’s friend groups. She needs to stay in her lane.
Your mom needs to stay out of your space when you have friends over. It’s ok to say hello, spend a few minutes chatting, but then she needs to leave you alone. It’s sounds like she’s trying to be friends instead of taking a parental role. Also, she should respect your feelings about the situation. NTA.
NTA- God, I hope my daughter doesn’t see me that way. I’m 20 years older and I try to be friendly to her friends and make them feel welcome in my home, car or wherever- but there is a line in the sand. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she leaves you to it and behaves like a parent. It might have hurt her feelings, but you’re right – she does need to give you and your friends some space.
Edit- she might actually be lonely and wanting company. She just needs people her own age and a hobby.
NTA
I have 3 girls and 1 boy. Everyone liked having a pretty mother who was in great shape, until the teen years. I went out of my way to make sure my actions would/could not be interrupted as suggestive or provocative. Longer hems, looser fits, shorts in the pool (I have always surfed in shorts), etc. I would see the looks but everyone treated me as someone’s mother.
First and foremost, I am not competing with my daughters. Second, I am not embarrassing my kids. Well not anymore than required by the mother’s/parent’s code of conduct. 😉 Third, boys and young men have never been my thing.
I saw too many mothers who thought differently and it made me squirm. It was uncomfortable to watch. My oldest daughter’s biological mother was one.
My grown kids have thanked me for my conduct because they had to hear about my looks from their friends and school mates.
INFO: does your mom have her own friends and a good social life?
I’m going to say NSH – your mom presenting herself as attractive and being friendly and outgoing to your friends is not wrong and asking her to “tone it down” is like asking her to change her personality. However, if what you mean is that she not spend so much time with your friends when they are hanging out at your house, that is totally reasonable. (For the record, I deeply disagree with ppl saying “it’s her house”. No-you are her child so it’s also her house. You might be 18 but it is far from expected these days that 18yo would just be out of the house – many of them are still in high school).
That being said, if she doesn’t have a great social network herself, it sounds like she is latching on to yours a little. Which is a problem and not really appropriate. There isn’t really a great way for YOU to fix this – she needs to fix it herself. But maybe encourage her to join a club, find a hobby, etc. Maybe talk to her about how you really want to spend time with your friends and it feels like you all can’t be totally open when she’s around (she is a parent after all). Compromise on some boundaries for when she can sit in and how long. Don’t make it about her appearance or personality- I promise, it would bug you even if she wasn’t conventionally attractive. The other option is to hang out at your house only when she isn’t home.
Sounds like Mom wants to be young again, and is taking the opportunity your friends offer. Setting boundaries in other people’s houses, however (assuming that this is your mom’s house) is not always that easy. Especially with her hostility after you expressed your discomfort, I’d recommend hanging out with your friends elsewhere and encourage your mom to do things with HER friends … and start working on affording your own place where you can set your boundaries more easily.
NTA.
NTA. Your mom needs to have friends her own age. Your friends are not your mom’s peers, and she should not be treating them like they are. Being attractive does not give you a free pass to be flirty to 18yo when you are in your late thirties. I’m a little disappointed in the people who are trying to defend her behavior because frankly, if this was your dad you were talking about and he was behaving this way to your female friends. Nobody would find it acceptable except for other creeps. I’m 33, I have teenaged bonus kids, I would NEVER behave this way toward their friends. You’re not crazy, by the way, and you being uncomfortable is valid because your mom’s behavior is unacceptable and borderline predatory is she’s intentionally trying to be flirty with barely legal adults
NTA, her defensiveness, tells me she knows exactly what’s she’s doing and is upset for being called out.
Your mom is who she is. The best recourse to keep the peace is to not invite friends over.
NAH. Your mum is allowed to exist in her own home, and she doesn’t have to wear a nun’s habit when your friends are around.
However I do think you should be able to hang out with your friends without your mum if she has agreed that you can have a movie night at your house. Specify polite chitchat time, and when you’re going to start watching. At that point she should leave.
NTA. If I were you, I’d stop having friends over. Surely you can find other places to hang out.
The thing is, her life stopped when she had you. Which means she probably feels comfortable around people that age. It’s a Freud thing. Usually if something life changing happens during an important time of your life you kind of get stuck there. It’s a good thing she’s getting to know your friends. That’s how you know she cares. Should she excuse her self a little quicker, probably. But never try to dim someone’s light.
Edit: YTA
NTA, but stop bringing your friends by your house.
I’m going to go with NTA, and here is why. Your mother is 20 years older than you. I do not have friends 20 years younger than me. They are my children’s friends. Your mother has probably gotten a charge out of people thinking you are sisters. It feeds her ego. So does flirting with your male friends. Of course, it makes you uncomfortable. She is cold and distant because she does not want to admit that you are right. My advice would be to meet your friends elsewhere, not at your home for a while.
Again, NTA
OP buried the lede. A recent comment said thar mum wears short shorts, low cut tops with no bra and once winked at a friend while saying she’d jump into bed with him if their ages were closer.. That’s not a bit ‘flirty’, that’s utterly inappropriate.