Firstly, please read the whole post. I know it’s kind of rambling but I’m trying to include only the core parts of the argument.
I (17) have been to two funerals this month and my dad has gone into a rest home for dementia and I have been having a hard time dealing with my grief. Because of it, I haven’t been doing very well in my schoolwork (I do it online). The other night, I thought I’d make some scones to cheer myself up with a little sweet treat. After dinner that night, I’d left the dishes to do AFTER I ate my scone because I wanted a break being in the kitchen.
Before I could really say anything, my mother (52) started doing the dishes without saying anything (I kind of thought she was just doing it to be nice?) so I thought I’d heat up a scone for myself and she could do her own because it would be cold by the time she finished the dishes. As I was taking my plate to the table, she said “Did you make one for me?” and I said “Well it would be cold by the time you’re done there. I thought you’d prefer to do it in your own time”
She got really huffy and said “I do all this shit for you and you can’t even butter a scone for me?” So I said “I didn’t ask you to do that. I was going to do them AFTER I eat this”. She just started muttering to herself and continuing what she was doing so I went to my room. She then followed me to my room and started saying things like “I’m nice to you so you’ll do shit around the house and this is what I get??!!” and starts throwing my things across the room, saying she’s going to throw them out and she won’t house an uneducated slob like me. It literally looked like she was having a toddler temper tantrum. I tried to stay calm as long as I could but I just started crying.
Admittedly, I did yell, not say, that I’m still grieving the loss of two (basically three) family members and she said “Well the funerals are over now so you can suck the fuck up! And don’t even talk about your stupid father!”
I just got in my car and left to go to my nana’s house. The next day when I get home, my mum is acting like nothing happened. She’s being friendly, trying to hug me, saying she loves me blah blah blah, but she never once said sorry. So I said to her, “I’m not talking to you unless you apologise to me”. She just gawped at me and said “What the hell do you want me to apologise for now?!”
I just said “For throwing my things around? For screaming at me? For making me feel unsafe in my home?”
And she literally said “That was all YOUR fault. You should be apologising to ME.”
I genuinely don’t understand what I’m supposed to apologise for. Not buttering her a scone? Trying to de-escalate the argument by going to my room? Fleeing from my home to avoid her? I don’t know. Am I the asshole?
ETA for clarification: the funerals were for two of MY friends, and my dad and mum were never married. They split a few months after I was born.
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Firstly, please read the whole post. I know it’s kind of rambling but I’m trying to include only the core parts of the argument.
I (17) have been to two funerals this month and my dad has gone into a rest home for dementia and I have been having a hard time dealing with my grief. Because of it, I haven’t been doing very well in my schoolwork (I do it online). The other night, I thought I’d make some scones to cheer myself up with a little sweet treat. After dinner that night, I’d left the dishes to do AFTER I ate my scone because I wanted a break being in the kitchen.
Before I could really say anything, my mother (52) started doing the dishes without saying anything (I kind of thought she was just doing it to be nice?) so I thought I’d heat up a scone for myself and she could do her own because it would be cold by the time she finished the dishes. As I was taking my plate to the table, she said “Did you make one for me?” and I said “Well it would be cold by the time you’re done there. I thought you’d prefer to do it in your own time”
She got really huffy and said “I do all this shit for you and you can’t even butter a scone for me?” So I said “I didn’t ask you to do that. I was going to do them AFTER I eat this”. She just started muttering to herself and continuing what she was doing so I went to my room. She then followed me to my room and started saying things like “I’m nice to you so you’ll do shit around the house and this is what I get??!!” and starts throwing my things across the room, saying she’s going to throw them out and she won’t house an uneducated slob like me. It literally looked like she was having a toddler temper tantrum. I tried to stay calm as long as I could but I just started crying.
Admittedly, I did yell, not say, that I’m still grieving the loss of two (basically three) family members and she said “Well the funerals are over now so you can suck the fuck up! And don’t even talk about your stupid father!”
I just got in my car and left to go to my nana’s house. The next day when I get home, my mum is acting like nothing happened. She’s being friendly, trying to hug me, saying she loves me blah blah blah, but she never once said sorry. So I said to her, “I’m not talking to you unless you apologise to me”. She just gawped at me and said “What the hell do you want me to apologise for now?!”
I just said “For throwing my things around? For screaming at me? For making me feel unsafe in my home?”
And she literally said “That was all YOUR fault. You should be apologising to ME.”
I genuinely don’t understand what I’m supposed to apologise for. Not buttering her a scone? Trying to de-escalate the argument by going to my room? Fleeing from my home to avoid her? I don’t know. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did yell at her a bit before I left, trying to explain to her why I can’t get the motivation to do as much schoolwork as before the funerals and stuff, and I know yelling was wrong. However, she absolutely started yelling first. I was as calm as I could be until that moment. I also didnt butter her a scone. I don’t know if that’s asshole behaviour.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH
you’re both are grieving so tensions are high.. but..
you could’ve asked your mom if she wanted a scone when you prepared yours.. 🤷🏻♀️
you both need to communicate better
ESH – In the real world, with a roommate who’s your equal, you wouldn’t have done anything wrong. This is your mom we’re talking about though, you’re a child, and you’re dependent on her for literally everything. Her house, her child, her rules, and she’s already decided you’re at fault. You both are terrible at communicating, but she’s always going to think she’s right (because she’s your mom, in her own house, she is always right when it comes to you), you need to be the one to start changing that.
NTA. Your mother failed to communicate like the adult she is and her meltdown is not the responsibility. You’re 17, that’s a child (at least in my country, you mentioned scones which makes me think this is UK based and idk how it is over there). Regardless! Your mother is in her 50s, her brain stopped needing to develop over 25 years ago. She may be under a lot of stress in regard to the situation with your father, but that is absolutely no reasonn to react that way. That is abuse.
From the sounds of it, you tried your very best to be calm and de-escalate, and when that failed, you chose to separate. That is the adult thing to do, whether you did it so she could calm down, or for your own safety does not matter. It sounds like she’s unable to calm down, reflect, and have a grown up conversation about this. Is this normal behavior for her, or is this just stress related?
My mother used to be like this too (she has since passed) and it is very hard to deal with, and no parent should make their kid feel this way. I hope you are safe and taking care of yourself, especially with all the loss happening in your life. This situation with your mother is the last thing you need, and I am sorry you are experiencing this.
This is a tough one as I have been the 3rd person in situations like this.
But
It is not your fault that your mom flew a gasket. That is your mom not being able to control her emotions for all the reasons that she can not control them including if the 2 funerals were people she also cared for.
Coming from a 3rd persons point of view if she is the one to do almost everything in the house it can get overwhelming on a person. Then eventually they explode on someone and sadly it is not always the person who deserves it.
Both of you have a lot of emotions built up and need to recognize that the other person does as well.
I’m not saying that you need to apologize because based off of what is written here your mom should for throwing your stuff around your room.
If your mom is always this way with you and you are not the cause of the issues ie; not helping around the house, then I suggest that as soon as you can leave. Leave for your mental health. Let her have what she considers peace and you have yours, what ever that may look like.
Mental health is not something to take lightly as it can affect you in the future.
Stay safe. 💚
NTA
You’re both grieving so emotions are high but that doesn’t excuse you mum personally attacking your character by calling you an uneducated slob and talking poorly about your dad.
I think you both need to work on your communication skills. You could’ve told her that you’d clean up after yourself once you’ve finished eating and offer for her to eat with you instead.
Your mum definitely should apologize to you for the way she spoke to you and threw your stuff around, that behavior is toxic.
Are you able to stay at you Nana’s place for a little while if you feel like that’s a safe space? You shouldn’t be forced to push aside your grief and have your feelings invalidated like that.
Sorry to hear you’re going through it, hang in there it’ll get better 🙏
OP, if 2-3 of your family members died and you are grieving, that means your mom is likely going through the same thing…not to mention the stress and loss of a husband.
The more I think about it, OP YTA.
Yes she does need to apologize. Throwing your things around your room? That’s not okay. Kids can be selfish, kids can be jerks, kids can be a lot of things …. And parents aren’t perfect. But throwing stuff is absolutely unacceptable and she should apologize and you both should talk.
I had a parent who did this when I was younger. When she visited my home as an adult, she did the same thing (throw my stuff in a fit of rage). We no longer speak.
ESH She reacted to both cone and dishes and likely especially to the comment “I did not buttered it because you have a lot of dishes to do”. As in being less considerate to someone because that person ia doing chores (or being nice) ia absurd and come accross super dismissive.
Mom is asshole for throwing things.
You are also ashole for silent treatment. It is literally form of verbal abuse and does make one asshole.
I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA, making her almost grown child cry and leave the house because she has emotions… and refusing to apologise? Yeah, no. Even if she was grieving too it would be unacceptable. When you plan the future, factor in that you will need therapy (and that shit expensive), especially if this is semi regular experience.
NTA. I’m sorry your mother is abusive. I hope you can continue to stay at your Nanas.