I (19F) was asked by my parents two years ago to give them a total of $4000. The reason they had asked me was because my mother had recently lost her job at the same time that we had just moved to a pricier house, so it was really bad timing. Just to preface, I was not the only one they asked to borrow money from, they asked for help from my older brothers (22M and 31M) as well. However, because my 22 year old brother didn’t have a job and my 31 year old brother was already moved out and paying his own bills they only borrowed a $1000 from each of them.
When they asked me for money I didn’t hesitate at all to say yes because my parents have been really supportive and caring of me and my siblings, and so I wanted to do my best to help them during these tough times. Fast forward to nearly two years later, my mother has found a new job and our financial situation is much more stable.
Here’s where the problem comes: My parents promised they would pay me back as soon as my mother found another job. And they did, they immediately paid $1000 to me and my siblings. So they fully paid off my brothers, while still owing me $3000. In any other situation this would be fine with me, because I understand that they still have expenses and debts to pay. I’m not currently using that money as I am still living with them and am taking out loans for my studies. However, while they still do owe me money, they’ve also started to add a bunch of features and upgrades to the new house. They’ve done things like put grass in our yard, built a patio and shed in the backyard, among other things. And I know for a fact that the cost of these things far surpasses the money they owe me.
Because of this, I have started to feel anxious because I still haven’t gotten my money back. The money they borrowed was about half of my total money from my first ever part-time job. And now that I am older I have plans to move out and I want to invest that money they owe me.
One day they told me they had plans to expand our drive way. This was kinda my breaking point and it lead me to bring up the money they owe me, because this was yet another upgrade they didn’t need and would cost a fortune. But when I asked, my parents suddenly got very defensive, and they said that I shouldn’t be acting selfish like this and allowing money to get in the way of family. They also said that because of them, I don’t have to pay rent while I’m studying and working, so this was the least I can do.
I love my parents and they insisted that they’ll pay me back when they can, but I can’t help but feel weird when I see them spending all this money and still not keeping or acknowledging their promise of paying me back sooner. But I’m also starting to have doubts after my conversation with them because it did make me feel like I’m a selfish person who only cares about money. AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (19F) was asked by my parents two years ago to give them a total of $4000. The reason they had asked me was because my mother had recently lost her job at the same time that we had just moved to a pricier house, so it was really bad timing. Just to preface, I was not the only one they asked to borrow money from, they asked for help from my older brothers (22M and 31M) as well. However, because my 22 year old brother didn’t have a job and my 31 year old brother was already moved out and paying his own bills they only borrowed a $1000 from each of them.
When they asked me for money I didn’t hesitate at all to say yes because my parents have been really supportive and caring of me and my siblings, and so I wanted to do my best to help them during these tough times. Fast forward to nearly two years later, my mother has found a new job and our financial situation is much more stable.
Here’s where the problem comes: My parents promised they would pay me back as soon as my mother found another job. And they did, they immediately paid $1000 to me and my siblings. So they fully paid off my brothers, while still owing me $3000. In any other situation this would be fine with me, because I understand that they still have expenses and debts to pay. I’m not currently using that money as I am still living with them and am taking out loans for my studies. However, while they still do owe me money, they’ve also started to add a bunch of features and upgrades to the new house. They’ve done things like put grass in our yard, built a patio and shed in the backyard, among other things. And I know for a fact that the cost of these things far surpasses the money they owe me.
Because of this, I have started to feel anxious because I still haven’t gotten my money back. The money they borrowed was about half of my total money from my first ever part-time job. And now that I am older I have plans to move out and I want to invest that money they owe me.
One day they told me they had plans to expand our drive way. This was kinda my breaking point and it lead me to bring up the money they owe me, because this was yet another upgrade they didn’t need and would cost a fortune. But when I asked, my parents suddenly got very defensive, and they said that I shouldn’t be acting selfish like this and allowing money to get in the way of family. They also said that because of them, I don’t have to pay rent while I’m studying and working, so this was the least I can do.
I love my parents and they insisted that they’ll pay me back when they can, but I can’t help but feel weird when I see them spending all this money and still not keeping or acknowledging their promise of paying me back sooner. But I’m also starting to have doubts after my conversation with them because it did make me feel like I’m a selfish person who only cares about money. AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my parents about the money they owed me. 2. That action may make me the asshole because my parents perceived it as selfish and greedy. This has given me doubts because it has made me feel like I am selfish for asking for my money back.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, dude. This ain’t just about the cash – it’s about them not honoring a promise they made to you straight up. Yeah, they’re your ‘rents and yeah, they’ve probably done a ton for you, but they asked for a loan, not a handout. Plus, it’s kinda ironic that they’re calling you selfish when they’re the ones splurging on house upgrades while still owing you three grand. It’s your life savings, so it’s fair to ask for it back, esp. cuz you’ve got plans. And honestly, you living rent-free doesn’t justify them not paying back an agreed loan. They gotta respect the commitment they made to you, mate. Stand your ground.
NTA. They got defensive cuz they know they’re taking advantage. The deal was always they’d pay you back on top of not charging you rent – not that suddenly that debt doesn’t count cuz you’re not paying rent.
You probably didn’t communicate this the right way. Maybe the approach should be more “hey, I’m thinking about (life change) soon, i could really use that $3000 now that you guys are in a better place”
No. You just want the money back and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. However, I think it’s quite presumptuous of you to decide that they’re spending money on things that they don’t need. You’re living in their home for free. They have the right to do whatever they’d like with their own home. That’s the only thing I felt the need to say something about. Other than that? You just want the money you’re owed.
NTA. you are not a selfish person. You should remind your parents that they said they would pay it back. And that they did not say they were taking it as payment for rent. Remind them it was supposed to be a loan. Not quid pro quo.
My father spent a lifetime telling me that a person is only as good as their word. If your parents don’t pay you back, there may be no way to get your money. At least, now you know just how much you CANNOT trust them.
My policy is never to lend money I can’t afford to lose. Because you may never see it again. If the people you are supposed to be able to trust most in the world have betrayed you, what does that say about people less close to you.
You might ask your brothers to go to bat for you if you think they would. And you could consider tell your parents they have shown you just how much you can’t trust them and how disappointed you are in them. It’s a time-honored tradition by parents everywhere to say the exact thing to their kids. Maybe it needs to go in reverse.
Congratulations on the great work ethic that allowed you to save that much money. You will do well in life if you keep that same attitude of hard work, saving and thoughtful decisions.
If they don’t want money to get in the way of family, they should pay what they owe. That keeps it all clean. NTA.
NTA
I think you should kiss that money good-bye with a generous heart and no bad feelings. They are your parents after all.
Still, never ever lend them money again.
NTA, but that money is gone. Your parents obviously make bad financial decisions. Learn from their mistakes, and resolve not to make them yourself.
NTA, your parents are being TA here.
In the future a) don’t lend money you can’t afford to lose and b) if you do decide to, get an agreement in writing, notarized. It should stipulate the repayment plan.
As to now, with your parents, I would sit down with them when things are calm and discuss this. It’s possible that $3K in one fell swoop is too much for them, but maybe they can do a repayment plan of something like a few hundred a month.
They absolutely should repay you. That is not in dispute. But, I will admit that it seems they are waffling on this. I hope you three can work this out.
NTA. You’re not the one letting money get in the way of family. They are. They need to pay their debts or it will definitely lead to rancour.
They made a promise, and now they are trying to walk away from it.
Tough one. On one hand, you’re 19, you don’t pay rent while you live at home and go to college. You don’t say, but I presume they feed you too? On the other hand, a loan is a loan. I think your parents are in the wrong they way they handled it. If they have any honor, at some point soon they will pay you back, but with the “we support you” pushback that may be unlikely. Learn from this, never ever lend people money, it rarely ends well.
On the bright side, it sounds like you live rent free in a nice house while going to school. Many many your age don’t have it as good as that. Possibly consider that perspective. Do well in school and have a great life!
NTA. They’re not going to pay you back. They’re selfish and greedy. Don’t give them any more money. And save your money to move out so that they can’t hold housing over your head the next time they try to leech money out of you.
This was a loan, not a gift. They should repay it even if they make payments.
I freaking hate that shit man. I’ve always been kind enough to lend money to friends and family when they need it, I give them time to pay it back and when it doesn’t happen they wanna make ME feel like the AH because I’m asking for my money back?? It wasn’t a handout. It was a loan while you were in a tough spot. I’ve borrowed money before and never once had to wait to be asked to pay back, I do it as soon as I have the money. So don’t feel bad about asking for your money back. Living rent free under their roof is no excuse for them to ask for a loan and not pay it back. I would say double down and make sure you get your money back but also once that happens, start paying some rent until you get your own place. You can’t be the AH for simply asking for your money back ESPECIALLY when they promised to pay it back.
Although they have promised you the money back, I would still say to forget this amount for their honour. As I am sure they will spend more on you in future and if you kept this $3K in mind and keep asking it back its gonna make them feel like you only care about money. To keep your mind at ease think like you paid rent to them in a way
Also if you still want the money you can discuss with them about how this amount is gonna help you
NTA for asking for your money back.
They WNBTA if they asked you to start paying rent.
So you have to decide for yourself if getting $3000 and moving out is worth it to you over letting them have it and continuing to live there rent free.
You got an early start on the golden rule of “never lend money to your family”.
NTA, it was loan and not a gift. If you owed them $3000, I guarantee they wouldn’t just let it go.
They promised to pay you back, the right thing to do is to honor their word and pay you back promptly as soon as they’re able.
Yes, they providing you with room and board. But in my opinion, that doesn’t get them out of paying you back the cash you loaned them. It is a separate issue. If you lived separately and you loaned them the money, it wouldn’t even be in question they should pay you back.
You’re gonna get a bunch of Redditors hounding you about “why didn’t you get it in writing” but they’re your parents. I get it. I’m sure you thought you wouldn’t have to.
And the sooner you get the money back, the easier it will be for you to move out. Do they not get that with their complaining about letting you live at home? If they want you out, they should pony up the money sooner rather than later.
NTA. Tell them they have had two years & need to prioritise their debts instead of spending more on improvements.
NTA – Remind tham that they borrowed $4k from you and you’d like to know when the other 3 is coming back.
NTA. There was an agreement that they would pay you back one your mother got a job. They still owe you your money. They are selfish using the manipulative ’family’ argument. The staying at home and not paying rent is a completely separate issue and not associated with their debt to you.
I never lend someone more money than I would give as a gift.
How are you being selfish? They promised to pay you back and would rather take that money and upgrade. While I would never loan to anyone and always give what I can, they made a promise. This should be the last time you trust them. If you ever do loan them again get it in writing. Shalom you’re loved 💔