My partner (30M) and I (28F) have been together for about six years, and while we had a rough patch two years ago that led me to move out temporarily, we’ve since reconciled and have been living together again for about two years. Because of that period of separation, everything in our apartment—lease, utilities, etc.—is in my name.
Financially, he contributes by covering ONLY half of the bills and groceries, but that’s the extent of his contributions. I sometimes even pay more for things when we run out of necessary items i.e.. toilet paper, paper towels, detergent etc.. We both work full-time—he works four days a week in construction, earning around $40+ an hour, while I work five days a week as a manager, making about $27 an hour.
The biggest issue we have is the division of household responsibilities. I handle all the cooking and cleaning, while he rarely takes the initiative to clean up after himself. Even when I leave a short and simple list of things to do on his days off—such as taking out the trash, doing dishes, or vacuuming—he often ignores it or does the bare minimum. If I ask him to clean alongside me, he complains about how we always have to clean. I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect some level of shared responsibility.
A common example is the trash. If he’s home all day and the trash is overflowing, I’ll ask him to take it out, and he always says he’ll “get to it.” But hours go by, and by the time it’s 11pm, it’s still sitting there. When I finally take it out myself, he tells me I didn’t give him enough time, or he was “going to get it” even though he had the entire day.
Since he refuses to contribute to household chores, I suggested that he at least contribute more financially; whether that means paying a higher share of rent or covering groceries entirely—to balance things out. He responded by saying that my request is unreasonable and that I just want more money for myself, which isn’t the case at all. Although would be nice to have something to show for all the effort I put in.
I feel like I’m shouldering the mental load of maintaining our home while also working more hours. Am I being unfair for thinking he should contribute more financially if he’s unwilling to contribute in other ways?
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Backup of the post’s body: My partner (30M) and I (28F) have been together for about six years, and while we had a rough patch two years ago that led me to move out temporarily, we’ve since reconciled and have been living together again for about two years. Because of that period of separation, everything in our apartment—lease, utilities, etc.—is in my name.
Financially, he contributes by covering ONLY half of the bills and groceries, but that’s the extent of his contributions. I sometimes even pay more for things when we run out of necessary items i.e.. toilet paper, paper towels, detergent etc.. We both work full-time—he works four days a week in construction, earning around $40+ an hour, while I work five days a week as a manager, making about $27 an hour.
The biggest issue we have is the division of household responsibilities. I handle all the cooking and cleaning, while he rarely takes the initiative to clean up after himself. Even when I leave a short and simple list of things to do on his days off—such as taking out the trash, doing dishes, or vacuuming—he often ignores it or does the bare minimum. If I ask him to clean alongside me, he complains about how we always have to clean. I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect some level of shared responsibility.
A common example is the trash. If he’s home all day and the trash is overflowing, I’ll ask him to take it out, and he always says he’ll “get to it.” But hours go by, and by the time it’s 11pm, it’s still sitting there. When I finally take it out myself, he tells me I didn’t give him enough time, or he was “going to get it” even though he had the entire day.
Since he refuses to contribute to household chores, I suggested that he at least contribute more financially; whether that means paying a higher share of rent or covering groceries entirely—to balance things out. He responded by saying that my request is unreasonable and that I just want more money for myself, which isn’t the case at all. Although would be nice to have something to show for all the effort I put in.
I feel like I’m shouldering the mental load of maintaining our home while also working more hours. Am I being unfair for thinking he should contribute more financially if he’s unwilling to contribute in other ways?
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I think it’s hilarious when men ask for 50-50 because of exactly this problem. Women will do hours more work inside the home, even if they work the same number of hours outside the house or make similar income to their husbands.
Nta
Why are you even with him? And dont try the old “well this is our only problem and he treats me so well in other ways”
What does he do with all his extra money?
Why cant he buy more when things run out?
Hes using you and you need to realize it
Please, help me understand why people are willing to put up with this crap from a partner. Seriously -I have to know?
What value are you getting out of this relationship? Do you want to have children with this man? Are you a bang maid? Does he have any respect for you and the contributions you make to your standard of living?
Here’s how I would answer those questions based on what you wrote: Nothing, god I hope not, yes and no.
Do not sacrifice your youth for a partner like this. If you are worried about loneliness, get a dog.
You are asking the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you are living with someone who treats you this way. You have been paying more than your fair share (of course bills should be split according to income) and have been doing more than your fair share of housework (of course it should be 50/50).
What are you actually getting from this relationship? Because he sounds like a lazy, disrespectful ahole that contributes virtually nothing to your happiness.
Being alone is not the worst thing. It’s liberating when you’ve been in a bad relationship.
My dear. Dump him. He adds no value to your life.
He is not going to change. This is who he is. You can stay and accept that or leave. NTA…. however you are doing this to yourself at this point.
I would reconsider the relationship. He doesn’t appear to like you and he’s certainly not interested in treating you fairly or with respect.
He is able to save more for himself by taking from you and to have more leisure time for himself by taking from you.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
The question is: why are you with someone like this and let him live with you so you can do everything for him?
NTA. But don’t forget you’re not a doormat! You should have ended it 2 years ago..
The fairest way is to pool your money, pay all the bills, and split what’s left 50/50
NTA -You two should split the rent as well, and he shouldn’t be depending on you to keep the home you two share clean. He needs to pitch in.
Not real sure why he doesn’t think he needs to keep his nest clean. There are two of you living there. Tell him if he likes, he can pay to have someone come clean the place, but NO, THAT’S NOT YOUR JOB SOLELY.
This is a deal-breaker in my book, but hey….it’s my book.
It’s annoying when someone is contributing equally to the mess, but doesn’t want to contribute equally to cleaning it up. He should use all that extra money he’s saving to hire a house keeper. You should put your foot down
This is an AI generated post for karma farming purposes
It should be split equally based on pay and chores should be split based on time/energy but still fairly.
Why are you dating a man child?