I 26(f) recently bought my first home. My partner of 3 years lives with me. I’ve had my dog for 5 years, since she was a puppy and I’ve trained her. She’s a Pomeranian chihuahua.
Since I have an hour commute from work and my partner has been looking for a full time job (he’s currently part time) I asked him if we could get a new pet to keep boo (my dog) from being lonely. He only agreed IF he got to choose and raise the new dog as his own, as he wanted a close bond like the one I have with my dog.
I agreed! I’d hope everyone could have a close companion and since he never grew up with a close pet I thought this would be his chance.
The puppy was cute and we got her at a shelter since he just fell in love with her picture. A maybe 5month old beagle. His passion and excitement made me hopeful.
We adopted her and I warned him the first few weeks would be rough due to potty training. She’s a puppy though so he should expect accidents. Two days later I come home and she’s gone. He took her to a “doggy boot camp” to be trained by a professional. He reassured me it was his dog, his decision, and his money.
When she returned she was not potty trained and could barely hold her excitement on walks. They only taught her not to bark… then recommended a shock collar that they used in their facility.
Ok here’s where I might be the asshole.
I never really bonded with her. Her energy and excitement was too much for me. I knew she was a puppy so I thought I’d try to train her but I couldn’t help but resent my partner for not taking the time to train her himself. He wouldn’t take her on walks. When she pooped (and I’m talking just massacring her kennel despite constant outside time) it added to my stress and resentment. When he would just leave her outside for hours, I couldn’t help but feel more resentment! She was either trapped in a kennel, outside in the yard, or in my house with me by myself trying to train her and cleaning her accidents.
I didn’t sign up for a puppy nor did I image getting a bigger dog. I brought it up to a coworker and she had retired parents who previously had a beagle, who they loved and cared for to old age, who’d also love a puppy, I thought it was fate.
I brought it up to him and asked him to think about what’s best for the dog. And if he truly wanted to care for her, then great! We wouldn’t have to rehome her. He took some time to think then said to rehome her but I need to know that he’s only saying yes because he knows I just want to get rid of her and he never wants another pet again for the rest of our lives because of this and I should’ve given him more grace for his first pet. Then he compared it to a made up scenario of him getting rid of boo. It turned into a heated argument.
But what do you guys think. Am I an asshole for this?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
I 26(f) recently bought my first home. My partner of 3 years lives with me. I’ve had my dog for 5 years, since she was a puppy and I’ve trained her. She’s a Pomeranian chihuahua.
Since I have an hour commute from work and my partner has been looking for a full time job (he’s currently part time) I asked him if we could get a new pet to keep boo (my dog) from being lonely. He only agreed IF he got to choose and raise the new dog as his own, as he wanted a close bond like the one I have with my dog.
I agreed! I’d hope everyone could have a close companion and since he never grew up with a close pet I thought this would be his chance.
The puppy was cute and we got her at a shelter since he just fell in love with her picture. A maybe 5month old beagle. His passion and excitement made me hopeful.
We adopted her and I warned him the first few weeks would be rough due to potty training. She’s a puppy though so he should expect accidents. Two days later I come home and she’s gone. He took her to a “doggy boot camp” to be trained by a professional. He reassured me it was his dog, his decision, and his money.
When she returned she was not potty trained and could barely hold her excitement on walks. They only taught her not to bark… then recommended a shock collar that they used in their facility.
Ok here’s where I might be the asshole.
I never really bonded with her. Her energy and excitement was too much for me. I knew she was a puppy so I thought I’d try to train her but I couldn’t help but resent my partner for not taking the time to train her himself. He wouldn’t take her on walks. When she pooped (and I’m talking just massacring her kennel despite constant outside time) it added to my stress and resentment. When he would just leave her outside for hours, I couldn’t help but feel more resentment! She was either trapped in a kennel, outside in the yard, or in my house with me by myself trying to train her and cleaning her accidents.
I didn’t sign up for a puppy nor did I image getting a bigger dog. I brought it up to a coworker and she had retired parents who previously had a beagle, who they loved and cared for to old age, who’d also love a puppy, I thought it was fate.
I brought it up to him and asked him to think about what’s best for the dog. And if he truly wanted to care for her, then great! We wouldn’t have to rehome her. He took some time to think then said to rehome her but I need to know that he’s only saying yes because he knows I just want to get rid of her and he never wants another pet again for the rest of our lives because of this and I should’ve given him more grace for his first pet. Then he compared it to a made up scenario of him getting rid of boo. It turned into a heated argument.
But what do you guys think. Am I an asshole for this?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action was me asking my partner to rehome his new puppy after we adopted her. I asked him for a pet and now I want us to consider rehoming her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, and this partner isn’t good LTR material. Keep the pup, rehome the partner.
A beagle or any hound breed was such a wrong choice for your situation. Those dogs are bred to hunt which means they have a ton of energy. And if I knew where a boot camp that was putting shock collars on puppies for barking was at I’d be kicking the damn door in. Barbaric. Please rehome that poor baby, and let your husband know there’s a lot more to choosing a dog than just looking at a picture and thinking “cute”.
The right dog for the right situation is really important, and I don’t think he thought out the amount of time and effort it would take. Especially with a puppy. They need a TON of attention and time and the idea of one locked outside just for being a puppy breaks my heart.
NTA. He is borderline abusing this dog. He didn’t listen to your warnings about how difficult it would be and is now using what amounts to emotional blackmail on you.
This puppy deserves a better owner than him. And you deserve a better partner.
Thank you for getting an innocent animal out of a bad situation.
Nta, imagine it was your baby
I find it just really weird that he insisted he wanted to care for a puppy himself to have a close bond with it, then immediately pawned it off on someone else to train, and largely ignores it. How exactly did he expect this deep bond to form? The doggy-love fairies appear and sprinkle them both with pixie love-dust?
Beagles are highly energetic dogs, hunting dogs, that need specific care and enrichment. Any dog bred for a job is going to need different care and enrichment than a dog bred solely for companionship. It’s clear research on the breed was not done before adopting, and that commonly leads to outcomes like this.
I also think it’s really weird that he agreed to give up the dog but declared neither of you could ever have another pet for as long as you both live. Someone telling me to get rid of a pet of mine would be an almost guaranteed deal-breaker for me, unless there was some kind of extenuating circumstances like becoming homeless or something extreme. It would end the relationship. And I wouldn’t be giving up my animal(s)! But I also wouldn’t ignore my animals. If someone told me I should give up my animal(s) because I wasn’t giving them adequate care, and they were right in calling me out, I would choose to take better care of my animals, not give them up!
It feels like your boyfriend wasn’t really interested in having his own dog or actually bonding with it, he’s just jealous of your bond with your dog. Or maybe he was interested, but realized attaining what you have is much more work than he thought so he doesn’t want to try anymore. Either way, he doesn’t want you to ever again have what you have with your dog now, probably because he can’t have the same for himself.
While I don’t think you should’ve suggested getting rid of the dog, and should instead have called him out for not taking proper care of the dog more, I think you are NTA for it in this situation. He could’ve taken your words as a wakeup call to do better, but instead he decides to make it into a punitive ultimatum.
ESH tbh. You should’ve communicated your expectations up front when YOU asked HIM for a puppy. HE should have put in the work for the puppy he decided should be his vs both of yours.
I don’t think the two of you are compatible long term, and he’s a WAY bigger AH. But you are not innocent either.
Nta. This is a rough one. On the one hand, I don’t think it’s too late for you to properly train and bond with the pup, but, as you know, that requires a lot of your time and attention. Your boyfriend didn’t train the poor pup. Dumping the poor thing at obedience school isn’t training. Honestly, he’s showing you exactly what the future will be: when you ask him to do a task, he’ll find the easy way out and half ass it. Should you have kids, he’ll refuse to discipline and undermine your decisions. He’s showing you exactly who he is. Believe him and act accordingly. As for the pupper, if you’re not willing to put the time and effort into training and bonding, then I would agree it would be best for the pup to be rehomed.
NTA, your boyfriend is the dog in this story, and I do not wish this relationship well.
NTA
It sounds like rehoming the puppy to the people who really want her would be a good answer to the problems she is having adapting to having a home.
Your partner didn’t keep up his end of the deal; he hasn’t trained her, and instead sent her to “professional” trainers who also didn’t train her properly. You don’t “train” a dog by using punishments, you train a dog using love and affection and treats. You invest time and effort into the dog’s training, and don’t just leave the dog alone for hours every day.
I’m coming down on the side of your partner being the AH here; he says you didn’t give him more grace for his first pet, but he didn’t do the work with the puppy to get that grace, imo. I agree that if he truly wanted to have her and care for her, it would be great, but he hasn’t done that and doesn’t appear to be considering that aspect of these problems with her.
He’s also blaming you for his failure to bond with his puppy, or to train her. You don’t bond with a dog by sending the dog out to strangers who mistreat her, and then continue to mistreat her when she comes back home. How could you bond with the puppy, when this was her life?
TBH, it sounds like the puppy needs to be rehomed, or at least be given a good chance to be trained properly, but I’d be surprised if your partner would be willing to do that. Your partner is now invested in the fiction that he tried to train her and she failed, and won’t try very hard to fix this. I don’t usually like the idea of rehoming a pet, but it sounds like this one would be better off if you did.
And just to be clear, since your partner has absolutely failed in this, and won’t try very hard to fix it, I’d be considering rehoming the partner as well. You are the only advocate this puppy has at this time, and that’s important. Your partner has let both you and the puppy down.
NTA
He knows he isn’t taking care of the dog, but he wants to punish you and make you feel bad over it. He will remind you for the rest of your life that you can’t have any more pets, and it will likely be at any moment that he wants to exert control.
Don’t let him throw a tantrum. Rehome the dog. Put your foot down. If he doesn’t like it, drop him. I’ve been through this shit before, and it’s not worth it.
NTA
This is not a good home for the puppy.
This story is full of red flags from your partner.
🚩He agrees to get another dog but only if it can be his dog to train and bond with, but he does zero research on breeds and their needs.
🚩He chooses a puppy based on a cute photo.
🚩He spends all of two days with her before sending her away to a place that uses shock collars! Also, $#@&!#!!!!
🚩He then refuses to properly take care of and train the puppy, learning it to you, the one with the full-time job
🚩When you come up with an excellent home for the puppy, he agrees but then blames you for his failure as a dog dad. And then says no more pets ever!
A responsible adult would have done their research, lived up to their responsibilities, NEVER sent a dog to a place that would use shock collars, graciously done what was best for the dog, and taken responsibility for his own failure.
I can’t even imagine the ways these personality flaws manifest in other ways in your relationship. Are you really better off with this guy than you would be without him, when you could get a companion dog for Boo, and have more time for them, as well as for friends?
EDIT: Thanks for the award! My first!
You need to think verrrrry carefully about how far you want this relationship with your partner of 3 years. What he did was dishonest in my opinion. Not openly; just one of those shade sort of things.
It sounds almost like he’s heading towards telling you ultimately you need to get rid of your dog because of _________ – you fill in the blank. It’s just weird the way he acquired a dog, then farmed it out to be “trained” in a half-assed way, then ignores the creature when it’s home again. I don’t understand that.
You get a pet, it’s like a human – pets require the same sort of care as humans. You don’t just ignore them without consequence.
Partner is TA cuz of how he treated the dog and his ass-holey leanings towards you and your little buddy.
You are NTA.
Rehome the pup and get a cat or 3
NTA do not let him pull that childish guilt tripping bullshit! He is the one who did not hold up his end of the bargain, he’s the one who insisted that he be in charge of caring and raising the puppy. He wanted to be the one to train the puppy to bond with her and then immediately sent her away to be trained by someone else (and didn’t seem to do any research on the trainer beforehand). He’s the reason the dog needs to be rehomed, not you. His behaviour here is abhorrent.
PLEASE CHECK WITH THE SHELTER BEFORE REHOMING THE PUPPY!!
Lots of shelters now have a no rehoming clause in their adoption papers stating that the animal needs to be returned to the shelter in the case of the adoption not working out. You will be fined. If you let the shelter know that there is a family interested in the puppy most shelters will be happy to go through the adoption process with them since it saves the shelter money and keeps the puppy in a home.
You’re not coming off great, either of you. You said you didn’t sign up for this… but you did. You agreed to it. Genuinely thought, the dog sounds much better off without having to live with someone who doesn’t take care of it and someone who “resents” it. ESH, but not for re-homing the dog, just in general due to lack of empathy and follow through in regards to a vulnerable living creature.
NTA. This pup is a bad fit for your lifestyle. I’m a hound owner, it takes up most of your time to train a hound then they’ll still find a way to outwit you. They’re also harder to bond with than something like a pom and need more exercise and stimulation. You deserve better, and so does the pup.
If he wants to have another go, he should research the breed first… And maybe go for an adult dog. Pups are hard work and it doesn’t sound like he’s got the discipline to make it work
Yeah you are not at all patient. Don’t have kids
[removed]
Keep the dog get rid of your partner
NTA I guess. I want to say a dog is never just handled by just one person but it seems like he really wanted to handle the dog all in his own. So the failure is all his I guess.
We have our second beagle now. Almost 2 years old. First one we had for 14 years. Beagle puppy’s are ALOT!!!!
We took our first beagle to a group dog training session and the trainer saw the beagle and literally laughed at my daughter. Like good luck!
They take a lot of work and I really wonder if this is a big reason this didn’t work for you guys. A smarter less crazy energy dog that is easier to train might have developed better with your partner.
NTA, but … I think he showed his true colors and he turned so vicious, so quickly … I’d have to … no, I’d be done. I wouldn’t have to think about it.
Do not have a kid with this man. He will make you do everything. My bf of 4 years only takes care of the cat when I’m gone. When I’m around. I have to do everything. This is why I have a IUD.
NTA your house your rules. You did agree to the dog but probs expected he would have more interest in caring for it. If you’re going to own a pet, you can’t be a lazy pet owner. You obviously have to invest time into them. And he overreacted by saying he’ll never have another pet and it was like getting rid of your pup. Silly. But at least he agreed to re-home her. Maybe he was just embarrassed about not being so into having his own pet after all .
You did sign up for a puppy.
You said ‘WE’ got him from a shelter.
Either you were there, or okayed it.
Also, beagles are the opposite of ‘big dog’. They’re not a toy breed, sure. But they’re not exactly Dobermans either.
That said, he didn’t put in the effort to look after it, so I still say NTA.
NTA
I hope you’re never planning on kids. I’m also going to point out that you are a dog person, and you’re probably going to want to bond with a dog again one day. Are you actually prepared to never have another dog because this guy couldn’t manage the absolute basics of not abusing his?
NTA
This made me really upset to read. This is NOT how you train a dog. It’s probably an anxious mess now, thanks to your boyfriend.
The dog should go to people who know how to care for it. You should also consider breaking up with your boyfriend. This is red flag behaviour.
NTA, the puppy isn’t being cared for properly and should be rehomed, but you saying you didn’t sign up for a puppy is a little weird to me when you said yourself in your post that you’re the one that suggested it so your dog wouldn’t be lonely??
NTA and dump the guy. He is not a keeper. Can you imagine him trying to care for a child if this is how he was with a puppy he picked and claimed to want? Run!