Hi y’all! I (21F) and my partner (21M) got into an argument today, and I’m unsure if I was in the wrong. We were on an Instagram video call—me doing chores, him playing League of Legends—when the call randomly ended. I tried to call him back and texted to ask if something was wrong. He responded a minute later saying his phone overheated. Since Discord could work from his PC, I called him there instead.
A few minutes into the Discord call, I asked him something, and he snapped, “What do you want from me right now?” in a frustrated tone. I was taken aback and responded, “I’m sorry?” He then raised his voice with a sharp “What?”—clearly irritated. I got upset and told him not to speak to me like that and to call me when he’d calmed down, then I hung up.
We exchanged a few texts afterward—mainly me asking him to communicate better when he’s overwhelmed or needs space. We’re both introverts and like solo time, but we also enjoy coexisting on calls since we don’t live together, and I’m the only one with regular access to a car. He replied that I don’t need to call him constantly when he’s said his phone overheats on Instagram and while he has mentioned the overheating, we usually communicate if we need to switch platforms or end a call more gently.
What hurt me most wasn’t the phone issue but how he spoke to me. I’ve never seen him direct that kind of tone at me before—it’s usually at other players while gaming. It made me feel like I was a burden, which hurt a bit due to past abusive relationships and family dynamics, both of which he knows about. I know he probably didn’t mean to hurt me, but he didn’t try to express what he was feeling—just snapped.
This also isn’t the first time League of Legends has caused problems. He regularly gets agitated while playing, and we’ve talked about the impacts before and even he has acknowledged how it affects his mood. I’ve been thinking I want to ask him to stop playing League when he’s in my space or while we’re on call, since I’m tired of being on the receiving end of his frustration and feeling like I’m competing with a video game for his attention—which feels silly, but it’s become a real issue.
For context, he has plenty of other games on Steam that he plays solo or with friends, and I love seeing him enjoy those. Sometimes I even join in. The issue really only comes up with League, and it’s been a pattern since the beginning of our relationship.
Am I the asshole for considering asking him not to play League when we’re spending time together?
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Hi y’all! I (21F) and my partner (21M) got into an argument today, and I’m unsure if I was in the wrong. We were on an Instagram video call—me doing chores, him playing League of Legends—when the call randomly ended. I tried to call him back and texted to ask if something was wrong. He responded a minute later saying his phone overheated. Since Discord could work from his PC, I called him there instead.
A few minutes into the Discord call, I asked him something, and he snapped, “What do you want from me right now?” in a frustrated tone. I was taken aback and responded, “I’m sorry?” He then raised his voice with a sharp “What?”—clearly irritated. I got upset and told him not to speak to me like that and to call me when he’d calmed down, then I hung up.
We exchanged a few texts afterward—mainly me asking him to communicate better when he’s overwhelmed or needs space. We’re both introverts and like solo time, but we also enjoy coexisting on calls since we don’t live together, and I’m the only one with regular access to a car. He replied that I don’t need to call him constantly when he’s said his phone overheats on Instagram and while he has mentioned the overheating, we usually communicate if we need to switch platforms or end a call more gently.
What hurt me most wasn’t the phone issue but how he spoke to me. I’ve never seen him direct that kind of tone at me before—it’s usually at other players while gaming. It made me feel like I was a burden, which hurt a bit due to past abusive relationships and family dynamics, both of which he knows about. I know he probably didn’t mean to hurt me, but he didn’t try to express what he was feeling—just snapped.
This also isn’t the first time League of Legends has caused problems. He regularly gets agitated while playing, and we’ve talked about the impacts before and even he has acknowledged how it affects his mood. I’ve been thinking I want to ask him to stop playing League when he’s in my space or while we’re on call, since I’m tired of being on the receiving end of his frustration and feeling like I’m competing with a video game for his attention—which feels silly, but it’s become a real issue.
For context, he has plenty of other games on Steam that he plays solo or with friends, and I love seeing him enjoy those. Sometimes I even join in. The issue really only comes up with League, and it’s been a pattern since the beginning of our relationship.
Am I the asshole for considering asking him not to play League when we’re spending time together?
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> i think that I may be the asshole because I’m asking him to restrict playing a game that he spends time with his friends during
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA. Tell him what you need/expect from him, whether that’s frequency of communication, style of communication (e.g., not being snapped at), whatever. Tell him that you notice there are more problems with this when League of Legends is involved. That’s as far as you should go. It’s up to him how he manages to come through with what you are asking for in terms of how he treats you.
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NTA, but maybe give him the option of either A) do better, or B) stop playing when we’re together. I don’t think it would be wrong of you to ask him to just stop but at the same time it would be a good emotional exercise for bro to just like,, stop letting a game control his demeanor so heavily. Maybe express your concerns and just ask him to work on it, if two or three weeks go by and there’s no change, ask him to stop that game when you’re together, if a few weeks later THAT doesn’t work…:
sorry queen but run 🏃♀️
Its not unusual to be short and direct talk when playing intense games, the game coordination demands it. when Intercepted by RL conversation it easy to continue the direct talk, which comes off as rude. Likely that that is what is happening, and he may not even realize its happening.
Talk with him about it, he may be able to control it, or just have him let you know when he playing LoL so you know not to interrupt him. He may choose to not play anymore, but that is unlikely as he seems to enjoy it.
NAH
NTA but I don’t feel like League is the core issue. There’s definitely something about competitive games that can just be uniquely infuriating, and I think it’s reasonable to set the boundary that you don’t want to be around him/on call with him while he’s playing.
But at the end of the day, no video game forces you to be mean to somebody. He should be able to get stressed and angry and still speak to you kindly. Failing that, he should at least have the self-awareness to recognize that he can’t do so and remove himself from the situation beforehand. I’m not saying he’s evil or anything, but it feels like you should have a slightly deeper conversation about how he manages his emotions. You deserve to feel comfortable talking to him even when he’s in a sour mood.
NAH. League is a game that is very easy to make otherwise good folks turn into toxic shitheads. I used to play it religiously until I realized that League and DotA both make me an angrier and less happy person.
Me being mad at League and being snippy at my (then) girlfriend was actually a problem in the first couple years of my relationship with my wife. We’ve been together eleven years and I quit playing League like a year in because I realized it was hurting my relationship.
I think an appropriate first step would be to talk to him about “hey you tend to be very frustrated and lash out at me if you’re playing League while we’re talking. I need you to work on getting that behavior under control when you play League or stop playing because I don’t want to be with someone who treats me the way you do when you play League.”
If he can do the self work to do better about his frustrations with League, he can have both League and you in his life. If he can’t, he needs to pick which one he wants. I chose my wife and I’m damn glad I did.
As a league addict I can genuinely say if he can kick the addiction it will 100% benefit his life. League is like a drug it takes time from my life, I lose sleep for it sometimes, it affects my mood and the community is toxic.
He’s an adult. You don’t get to tell an adult what to do and especially one that you aren’t married to. Asking him to be respectful to you is one thing, telling him what he can read, watch, etc..on his own time is another. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible.
I game every night. I’ve been married for 26 years. My husband doesn’t game often. Maybe 3 times a month. He watches his favorite programs on tv and I game until bed time. Then we watch a movie or a program together. NEVER have we demanded that the other do whatever we want them to do. In fact, if I’m on a mission in my game, I won’t even answer my phone until I complete it.
You sound too needy
my ex played league, learned recently he was an absolute asshole to one of the sweetest people i know when they played together
nta
As a ex league of legends player who only stopped because I can’t have a flashy pc around children, You’re both ESH.
You’re not wrong in the slightest about wanting respect and to be spoken to properly. He shouldn’t do that at all.
However, maybe you both need to take the opportunity to spend time on the phone actually talking to one another. The dynamic of video calling while he’s playing a game and you’re doing chores is bizarre to me. You’re both doing completely separate things that you absolutely do not need to be attached at the digital hip with. But this will also make the same you spend together more worthwhile instead of being on the phone to one another but not actually communicating with one another.
Again, I also had a LDR where we did the same as you and your partner for several years and you know what my take away was from that? It was bloody unhealthy. You feel like you’re competing for his attention when you’re in a call and he’s doing something when you could end the call, get some of your jobs done on your own and call later for a more engaging conversation. It’s unhealthy to basically be in each others pockets for so much of the day. You never get to discuss each others day because you’ve already been on the phone for 7 hours of it.
Your feelings here are completely valid OP and maybe suggest not playing league during couple time but also, make time for couple time. Not sit on the phone ignoring each other for no reason for hours of the day.
To summarise
League = bad (but it’s so good) and yes, it can cause problems in unhealthy relationships.
Taking time for yourselves and also scheduling time for one another = will fix a vast majority of your issues here.
NTA
Competitive games like League of Legends has a way of making people into the absolute worst versions of themselves. A competitive video game isn’t just a toxic video game, it is also the video game equivalent of a narcotic drug. And almost no one enjoys League of Legends, not even the players who excel at it.
NTA but I’ll be honest to me it sounds like you’re smothering him or at the very least he sure is acting like he feels that way.
I get that you love him but I don’t think asking him to quit a game he loves is the solution. To me the solution is don’t communicate while he’s playing a competitive online game.
I can understand how annoying it would be when you’re trying to play and somebody is calling you on a bunch of different apps 😆 not excusing how he treated you, but seems like he wants more space in general.
League of legends is a very stressful game
That requires constant focus and punishes small mistakes. It’s extremely frustrating and it’s common for teammates to verbally abuse you if you mess up something easy.100 percent chance that you messed up an important play or fight . I’ve lost 45 minute games because I looked away from the screen for 2 seconds.
His reaction is immature and wrong I’m just explaining why he has such an intense reaction. I was like that too and it probably took me 5 years of playing before I learned to handle my emotions while playing .
It can be annoying to be in a relationship with a gamer if they spend most of their non-working hours on it, but it’s also annoying to be with someone who wants to talk on the phone all the time. How often do you see each other? How often do you talk on the phone? Unless I’m long distance from someone, I don’t really want phone calls to just chit-chat that are over ten or fifteen minutes. You sound a little needy.
NTA. Tbh since reading the title I was leaning to saying that.
I’ve personally seen how LoL brings out some of the most toxic traits in guys I’ve dated or former friends. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than just a game, but after seeing the toxic behaviour in more than five unrelated guys I kinda just… Started avoiding LoL players.
Still, as other suggested it would be good that instead of telling him to stop, you approached him letting him calmly know of your feelings, expectations on comms how you feel hurt by his reactions and how it’s usually when he’s playing that and try to let him come up with a solution.
Just under no circumstances believe that you are overreacting because you aren’t. If my partner spoke/yelled at me the way ppl yell during competitive or difficult games I would be both hurt and pissed as hell. We’ll both curse and swear and yell during Mario Kart but no way in hell we’d address each other that way.
League ain’t the problem here
NTA. Gaming addiction and gamer rage are serious issues. I struggle with them myself. The key is to learn that when a GAME is starting to frustrate you and make you angry and aggressive, it’s time to turn it off.
He needs to learn how to control himself or this is only going to get worse.
NTA but it’s not going to solve your issue. The issue is not League or even his failure to regulate his feelings. The issue is the way he treats you. Don’t justify it for him. Don’t let him justify it and scapegoat a video game. Because there will always be another justification on hand for next time and the actual behaviour will never get addressed.
Honestly though, what you’ve said makes me wonder if he isn’t just hanging up on you and if that’s the case, this guy sounds like way too much work.
NTA, I have played games in the past that got me very mad if I had lost or did bad but I either quite playing the game altogether or stopped for a period of time however I never let that dictate how I treated others around me because that is not fair to anyone at all, and I feel like asking him to either take a break from that game for a bit or quit the game forever because it clearly has a negative affect on his mental health and how he treats others is completely fair and needs to happen.
NTA! That is called as communicating with your partner. If you still like/love him, sit with him and discuss regarding the same and see how he reacts and take a decision accordingly.You should never be made to feel like you’re a burden in a relationship, communicate openly about it. More love to youuu
ESH. I know a lot of people who play League who don’t get snappy like this. It’s not really about the game as it is the person playing. Admittedly, the game does require a lot of focus and can be stressful but it’s on him to regulate his own emotions.
That’s the conversation you should be having. If he can’t get his act together, then I think you’d be okay to say you want to have calls when he isn’t playing it. Maybe you guys can do stuff together, a different game or movie. Whatever. My ex and I were a lot like you guys, spending calls like this. Gaming or chores, didn’t matter. Trying to control what he does? No good. Asking him to spend time with you in other ways? Better. But have that be part of the main issue, him not regulating his own feelings.
Your feelings are valid, btw. I don’t think anything you feel is wrong. I think the approach just needs tweaking in terms of the conversation you guys should be having. Best of luck!
Let’s see, he’s 21 years old so not fully developmentally mature, playing League of Legends which is a highly competitive game and like so many others like it brings out the absolute demon in people, and he bit your head off just for basically existing in the wrong moment.
There’s no need to try and control what he plays and when. It doesn’t address the real issue which is his behavior.
The discussion should be shorter than what I have written so far: talk to me like that again and we’re done. That should snap him out of it.
NTA hes a grown man he should be able to control his emotions enough to not get angry at you for the game hes playing