I (26f) have lived with my roommate A (26f) for 3 years. Things were fine for the first 2 years, A is a very particular person and we don’t always align in taste – but I’m a pretty chill person. I’m happy to concede what I prefer if someone else prefers it another way, within reason. I’ve lived in many student houses with a variety of roommates and I’ve gotten along with most of them quite well.
Things all started about a year ago. A started dating this guy B who is super nice, but they always only hang out in our apartment, she’s literally never been to his house, and they rarely go out to see other friends. It’s gotten to the point where he is here probably 6 nights a week.
I on the other hand work kind of a weird job, sometimes I work from home, but my job also involves working outside the house in the evenings and sometimes weekends. I also have a boyfriend C, and he lives close to where I work. So sometimes if I’m working late I’ll go to his house. At first we tried to split the time 50/50 between whose house we stayed at. But because A and B are always here, I find I’ve been choosing to stay at Cs house more. A and B are usually nice but they can be kind of rude. Like they will get annoyed if I’m trying to cook with C in the kitchen and they are watching TV. Even though it’s my kitchen too and A and B use the kitchen every day and B doesn’t even live here.
Okay the other problem is that my roommate A keeps buying things that we don’t need, and that she doesn’t ask me about. It’s usually cheap Amazon stuff that she thinks we need. So I asked her about it the other day, I asked if we could discuss the choices before she purchases them. And then she got super defensive and said that I needed to put more effort into maintaining the space. And this shocked me because I put lots of effort into cleaning the space (including cleaning up after her boyfriend, and doing more than my share of mutual chores even though I’m hardly here). She brought up a coat rack that I’ve had for many years, it’s very slightly wobbly because a screw is loose, and it’s covered with coats, it doesn’t really stand out as an eye sore. She’s never brought this up before. But she’s basically claiming that because I don’t care about replacing the coat rack I don’t care about the house – which somehow gives her permission to change everything without consulting me.
Which makes no sense, because if she wanted me to replace the coat rack, she could have just consulted me?! She also names a few things that she had to replace that I didn’t put any effort into replacing (but I put effort into fixing) but they were all her belongings. Like I’m not going to replace your chair that you brought into the house, but if you want to replace it I’m happy to discuss it. She also has lots of ‘junk’ (e.g. dead plant) that she just leaves around the house.
Anyways now my roommate is clearly mad at me and it’s really tense and awkward. AITA?
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I (26f) have lived with my roommate A (26f) for 3 years. Things were fine for the first 2 years, A is a very particular person and we don’t always align in taste – but I’m a pretty chill person. I’m happy to concede what I prefer if someone else prefers it another way, within reason. I’ve lived in many student houses with a variety of roommates and I’ve gotten along with most of them quite well.
Things all started about a year ago. A started dating this guy B who is super nice, but they always only hang out in our apartment, she’s literally never been to his house, and they rarely go out to see other friends. It’s gotten to the point where he is here probably 6 nights a week.
I on the other hand work kind of a weird job, sometimes I work from home, but my job also involves working outside the house in the evenings and sometimes weekends. I also have a boyfriend C, and he lives close to where I work. So sometimes if I’m working late I’ll go to his house. At first we tried to split the time 50/50 between whose house we stayed at. But because A and B are always here, I find I’ve been choosing to stay at Cs house more. A and B are usually nice but they can be kind of rude. Like they will get annoyed if I’m trying to cook with C in the kitchen and they are watching TV. Even though it’s my kitchen too and A and B use the kitchen every day and B doesn’t even live here.
Okay the other problem is that my roommate A keeps buying things that we don’t need, and that she doesn’t ask me about. It’s usually cheap Amazon stuff that she thinks we need. So I asked her about it the other day, I asked if we could discuss the choices before she purchases them. And then she got super defensive and said that I needed to put more effort into maintaining the space. And this shocked me because I put lots of effort into cleaning the space (including cleaning up after her boyfriend, and doing more than my share of mutual chores even though I’m hardly here). She brought up a coat rack that I’ve had for many years, it’s very slightly wobbly because a screw is loose, and it’s covered with coats, it doesn’t really stand out as an eye sore. She’s never brought this up before. But she’s basically claiming that because I don’t care about replacing the coat rack I don’t care about the house – which somehow gives her permission to change everything without consulting me.
Which makes no sense, because if she wanted me to replace the coat rack, she could have just consulted me?! She also names a few things that she had to replace that I didn’t put any effort into replacing (but I put effort into fixing) but they were all her belongings. Like I’m not going to replace your chair that you brought into the house, but if you want to replace it I’m happy to discuss it. She also has lots of ‘junk’ (e.g. dead plant) that she just leaves around the house.
Anyways now my roommate is clearly mad at me and it’s really tense and awkward. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my roommate her boyfriend is over too often and that she could ask me before making choices
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> A keeps buying things that we don’t need, and that she doesn’t ask me about. It’s usually cheap Amazon stuff that she thinks we need. So I asked her about it the other day, I asked if we could discuss the choices before she purchases them
INFO – what sorts of things is she buying that you are taking objection to?
> which somehow gives her permission to change everything without consulting me.
I think this seems like an exaggeration.
The request about her boyfriend not being over all the time is reasonable, but I’m not sure what your issue is about the purchases without you explaining more clearly what she’s buying and why that’s a problem.
NAH. It sounds like you’ve lived together for a year longer than you should have. Part of growing up includes moving onto different stages of your life, establishing new priorities, and solidifying preferences. For a couple of years you shared interests and priorities with your roommate. Now, not so much. It’s OK to amicably move out into a place of your own where you can have things your way 100% of the time. I recommend that you do that before there are hard feelings.
I think it’s time to go your separate ways.
Her bf is clearly staying over too much, and you seem to have just completely grown apart and it’s time to stop being roommates.
NTA for not wanting her BF there, and if you can’t move out soon, it’s time to sit down and agree on set of rules going forward.
NTA
about the boyfriend staying over. That is your apartment. You pay the rent. The fact that you’re not comfortable is a huge red flag.
You probably need to have a sit down conversation with A and B. It’s gonna suck but it needs to be said. Explain that if B continues to stay at your place all week he needs to start paying rent. If he doesn’t, you’re going to go to the landlord about an unreported 3rd tenant. Especially if you are covering 1/2 the utilities for a house being used by 3 people.
This will probably ruin the relationship with your roommate, but it seems like your relationship has changed for the worst once B showed up, so i don’t know how much worse it could get.
What all of this post screams is . . . “it’s time.” It is time that you go your separate ways, if you want to retain the friendship, but it is really time, simply because it is time. You are both in your late twenties, with careers, and boyfriends. You need the autonomy to do what you want in your own space, when you want. Don’t move in with the boyfriend quite yet, as it appears to be a fairly new relationship, but do consider getting your own place. Every adult should experience living alone for at least a year before solidifying a relationship by moving in together.
Either put your foot down with all the list and bf staying over NOT contributing to anything around the house i.e utilities, rent & kitchen expenses OR tell her she can move out to another place. NTA
NTA. Your apartment is turning into a free Airbnb for her boyfriend, and now she’s playing interior decorator with zero consultation? If she wants to run a hotel and a home goods store, she should at least loop in her co-owner—you.
Your pleasant room-mate relationship has run its course. Time to break up.
NTA
“Discuss design choices?” If someone told me they wanted to approve my purchases of something I wanted to use around the house I’d tell them to blow it out their ass. That’s controlling nonsense.
It’s completely valid to not want her bf over 6 nights a week, that’s too much. If they act annoyed when you’re in your own kitchen and it’s to the point you’re avoiding being there, why not get a different roommate or move in with your bf?
So you have a male stranger who conceals his identity spending huge amounts of time in the space you pay for???? I’m betting he’s married or living with Mommy. A coat rack is the least of your worries.
NTA. It’s high time for B to start paying rent.
I’ve got to agree with those who say that this roommate situation is coming to its end. It’s ridiculous for you to have someone who is almost an extra roommate (her boyfriend) around so much of the time, particularly since they make you, a tenant, uncomfortable in the common areas, either alone or with your boyfriend. It sounds like your roommate wants a place she can decorate as she likes.
NTA