I’m (17F) have agoraphobia so I spend most of my time in the bedroom I share with my (16F) sister. It’s the only place I feel safe.
The problem is my sister keeps inviting her friends over to hang out for hours. I don’t hate her friends but I really want privacy and don’t like being around people when I didn’t ask for it. When they come I usually go to my parents’ room but I hate being there because I’m just not comfortable.
I told my sister how I feel but she said it’s her room too and she has the right to bring whoever she wants. I asked if she could invite them to the living room instead but she said they wouldn’t feel private there.
We had a big fight about it. My mom says I’m overreacting and that I should just leave the room for a few hours until they leave but they never stay just a few hours. It’s always like five hours or more.
Now they’re all making me feel like the asshole and saying I’m jealous that she has friends and I don’t.
So am I really the asshole here?
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I’m (17F) have agoraphobia so I spend most of my time in the bedroom I share with my (16F) sister. It’s the only place I feel safe.
The problem is my sister keeps inviting her friends over to hang out for hours. I don’t hate her friends but I really want privacy and don’t like being around people when I didn’t ask for it. When they come I usually go to my parents’ room but I hate being there because I’m just not comfortable.
I told my sister how I feel but she said it’s her room too and she has the right to bring whoever she wants. I asked if she could invite them to the living room instead but she said they wouldn’t feel private there.
We had a big fight about it. My mom says I’m overreacting and that I should just leave the room for a few hours until they leave but they never stay just a few hours. It’s always like five hours or more.
Now they’re all making me feel like the asshole and saying I’m jealous that she has friends and I don’t.
So am I really the asshole here?
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I asked my sister to stop inviting her friends into the bedroom we share because it makes me uncomfortable and anxious due to my agoraphobia. She feels that since it’s her room too, she has the right to have her friends over whenever she wants. The conflict is about our shared space and whose needs take priority. I might be the asshole because I’m asking her to limit her social time in a space she also uses, which could be seen as controlling or unfair from her perspective.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA, this is something you should be working through with your therapist to learn to handle. It’s way out of bounds to request she not have friends in her room.
NAH, although it’s a crappy situation. Your sister does have a point, it’s her space as well, but you have one too; it’s your private space.
Is there no option for you to have seperate bedrooms?
NTA – Your shared bedroom is really awkward, especially at 16 years old and it’s not wrong of you to want a private, personal space that isn’t being invaded by others.
Is there no way to have your own bedroom? Do you live in a small home or something that prevents you from having the kind of private space that 2, individual teenagers need?
NTA. There are plenty of other places to hang out. Your shared bedroom does not have to be one of them.
NTA your room is your safe space and your sister should respect that. Yeah, it’s her room too, but that doesn’t mean she can turn it into a party zone when you need peace. Five hours of strangers crashing your only safe spot? That’s not fair at all. Your mom’s “just leave” advice sounds super dismissive — like, where else are you supposed to go? You’re not jealous, you just want respect and boundaries. Keep standing up for yourself!
NTA. Seems like the issue is a lack of respect for boundaries in the home, and a lack of moderation. A couple of hours is different than 4+ hours. Can you both come to an agreement of a time where she has to entertain outside of the room also?
YTA. She has as much right to the space as you do. I think you need to work with your occupational therapist on some cognitive skills to overcome this while you are young and before your brain fully develops.
NAH but you need to compromise. Three days a week she can have people over and the next week, four days. That way you get alone days too.
NTA look on Amazon for some cheap room dividers, and seek therapy if your parents will let you. The therapy is to give you some coping mechanisms for sharing a room, and having a certified adult who can talk with your parents and help find a compromise.
YTA. It is her room too and she is allowed to have friends over. Stop asking her to enable you and work on your agoraphobia issues. She doesn’t have to suffer alongside you because you wanna be miserable.
Is it every day? You split your room 50/50 so half the time she has the right to bring her friends in. Does it suck for you? Yes. Does it suck for her? Yes.
You guys both gotta give and taken a lil. You can’t just claim the room that’s only half yours, and same with her. There are other spaces to hang (restaraunts, the car, the other friends house, backyard, living room) so 5 hours is pretty excessive. At the same time this agoraphobia is definitely something you have to work through and overcome because the world doesn’t and honestly shouldn’t accommodate that.
NTA, it’s a private space and it’s not reasonable for her to just take that away from you for hours whenever she feels like it. She can hang out in the living room with her friends or somewhere else, they don’t need to hang out in your bedroom and take away your privacy.
NAH. It is both of your rooms, and you both should get a say in how it’s used.
Honestly I think EAH here. You can’t tell her to not bring friends over universally and you need to be working on your agoraphobia with a professional. But your sister needs to compromise somewhat and not always bring friends over too and maybe give you a heads up.
NAH, unless she has people in the room when you’re trying to sleep.
I know it’s a shitty situation for you, but you have to get your agoraphobia treated. If you could leave the house to do your own thing when she has her friends over, then you’d be a lot less stressed about it.
It is your sister’s room as well and she shouldn’t be completely banned from having people over. You have to negotiate and compromise when it comes to use of the room, and having a blanket ban on her using the room how she wants isn’t fair to her. It also isn’t fair to you for her friends to be over for 5+ hours at a time without you knowing when they’re planning to leave. Maybe you could negotiate a time limit for when she has friends in the room, or have her tell you a specific time when they’re going to leave so you know how to plan your day around them. But it’s also not fair for you to never leave the room and therefore never let your sister have it to herself for a while.
NAH. The space belongs to both of you.
ESH. It IS totally fair for you to want to set boundaries about when there are guests in your room, but it isn’t fair for you to expect your sister’s friends to never hang out in what is also HER room. You guys need to come to some kind of agreement where she can have friends over, but not for indefinite amounts of time. Maybe within certain hours, etc.
Shared bedrooms are the reality for many children and teens, and it’s all about good communication and compromise.
It’s an unfortunate situation but your sister has rights too. It’s her “safe space l too – she just chooses to open it to her friends.
You both need to work together on a compromise.
YTA, she’s right in that it is also her room and she is allowed to have friends in it. You will have to work on your communication and figure out a solution/compromise that works for you both.
Okay no, NTA at all. Agoraphobia is no joke, and your room is literally your safe space it’s not just about ‘privacy,’ it’s about feeling safe. Your sister isn’t wrong for wanting friends over, but she’s being super inconsiderate by refusing to compromise.
The living room should be an option, and the fact that she’s dismissing your feelings and your mom’s taking her side sucks. ‘Just leave for five hours’ isn’t a solution when you’re already struggling. And the ‘jealousy’ comment? That’s just mean.
Is there any way you could set a schedule? Like ‘friends can come over X days but not Y’? Or even just shorter visits? If they won’t listen, is there another space in the house you could make feel safe for you? Either way, you’re not being unreasonable here.
NTA – learned this from dorm life: visitors are VISITORS. Meaning, the baseline is people who live there. If even one person who lives in the space says no, then no guests. The safety and comfort of all residents trumps the social desires of any number of the other residents.
Info needed are the friends loud are you seeing a therapist
NTA, but you need help. having agoraphobia is a serious life limiting condition, and should be receiving treatment. Compromise is the only way for now. Your sister gets the room for 2 hours then you get the room for 2 hours, something like that. Her friends dont have to leave, they just can’t be in your room for your time. Good luck. Ask your mom to get you some help.
NTA – but she’s not wrong.
Your parents hsould figure out the bedroom situation, and accept that’s part of the issue, not just keep pointing you two at each other.
You’re not an asshole but you are majorly inconveniencing the family due to your phobia.
Your phobia must be awful to live with for yourself and it’s making your family’s lives miserable too.
If you are working hard on overcoming your phobia then you’re nta but if you’re not then yes, you will be an ahole the longer this continues
If you want to continue a relationship with your sister into adulthood I would suggest you go into another room while she hosts and stop complaining about it. It’s her space too and I strongly suspect she already tries to meet up with friends outside of the house to avoid this drama.
I wish you good luck in overcoming your phobia.
NAH i have agoraphobia too and i highly encourage you to get some form of help. Unfortunately there will be many situations where you’re in an unfamiliar place, or with unfamiliar people, or both.
It sucks, yes, but it is also her room. If possible get some dividers to split up the room so you can have more privacy.
INFO: are you officially diagnosed with agoraphobia? Just, it doesn’t sound like your parent takes it seriously. It’s common to confuse agoraphobia with anthropophobia or social anxiety
NTA.
Anyone who says otherwise clearly has a lack of empathy and understanding of how debilitating a condition such as agoraphobia can be.
“Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder. Agoraphobia involves fearing and avoiding places or situations that might cause panic and feelings of being trapped, helpless or embarrassed.”
Clearly, there is a reason that must have triggered this (trauma, etc), and I’m sure (or hope) your parents have put you in contact with a therapist, even if it’s online.
I struggle with OCD (and suspected autsism), so I know what it’s like to have compulsions or urges that can be detrimental to your way of living, and sometimes the feeling of being a burden to those around you.
We don’t ask to have these disorders. Unfortunately though, it happens.
Your mother is going about this all wrong by gaslighting you. Because that is what she is doing by telling you that you are overreacting. It is the complete opposite of what you should say to someone with an anxiety disorder, and, in some cases, can have a negative effect that might lead to the condition worsening.
I’m not sure why there is such pushback about going to living room. Is there other family members there (other siblings, parent, etc) who she doesn’t want to hear what she’s saying?
Plus, what’s wrong with being outside (dependant on weather). There are tons of things to do that don’t require spending money, or involve knowingly agitating an anxiety disorder that is largely out of the control of the person who suffers from it.
It seems like this gen (y’all are late gen z- on the cusp of gen alpha), many have issues with playing or chilling outside (again, depending on weather).
Of course wanting privacy is normal for anyone. But, the question is, is it worth the expense of a family member’s mental wellbeing.
You’re 17. If anything, depending on your circumstances, you might be in a position to move out soon.
In which case, she could invite friends over as often as allowed.
I don’t know. Maybe you two can make a schedule, so that you can mentally prepare for people to be invited over (might take getting used to). Or, rotation. Sometimes, she can have them in room, but, it does not need to be every time.
Also, perhaps you should look into different coping mechanisms. Study your behaviour (in a journal), and monitor potential triggers and anything that might help alleviate some of your anxiety. I.e., art (painting, sketching, photography, etc), ambient noise machine (this helps me, personally), etc.
I was gonna NAH but based on some of your replies YTA .
Your sister is a 16 year old girl , expecting her not to invite her friends over or for those friends to be there less than an hour sounds pretty dismissive (especially when by the way you worded the story , this occurs during the day time not when you are trying to sleep
I do feel sorry for your Agoraphobia and hope that you seek professional help in order to get it sorted but you can literally just go else where . Again its not your sisters fault that your only designated safe space in the world is the room that she also lives in – have you tried going to a Library or other quiet places? Or in general just doing your own thing outside of your room ? Because if not it sounds like its not just Agoraphobia thats bothering you
Hope you get help and come to some sort of compromise with your sister !
If she wants to spend time with her friends great but she should be doing that somewhere else you guys share a room it’s not like she has her own apartment to do that you should get a boyfriend and invite him over all the time just to piss her off
Depending on how large the room is, would it be possible to arrange furniture or get a shoji screen to give the illusion of division? I used to share a room with my sister, but she never invited friends over (we lived in the country, so there just was too much distance to have regular visitors.
It is unrealistic to expect her NEVER to have friends over, but there are things you could do to … um … influence her desire to be there. Does she dislike your type of music? Does she dislike a certain smell (perfume, popcorn, fingernail polish, etc.) that would create an easy out for you? Maybe you need to be doing your exercises when they arrive. That takes a lot of space.
Be creative, then nobody has to suck.
Maybe your parents could carve out a private space for you in a basement, attic etc or you could divide the room you share with your sister. I think you can get privacy screens that can be moved around. You’d probably still hear them, but you wouldn’t see them and they wouldn’t see you. Both of your needs are valid, they just happen to conflict
It’s her room also.
You need to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
You will not get better hiding in your room all the time.
Why don’t you have a track along the ceiling and put a big heavy black velvet curtain, splitting the room in half, and then you can have some noise cancelling headphones and maybe draw on so you can feel safe?
Maybe you can do some online work to fund it, or maybe ask parents and then do some house work
ESH, however, you need to work on your phobias and not make it an impact for those around you. You’re young you’ve got your life ahead of you, and you need to take advantage of fixing this now because at the end of the day you’re going to learn that nobody gives a shit about anybody else in life. This is your chance take advantage of it.
NTA. There has to be some boundaries.
NAH – you share that room. You have a right to privacy and she has a right to share it with her friends. Both of you need to come to a consensus, sometimes you leave, she tries to invite them when you’re not at home, stuff like this
She’s right that it is her room as well and she is able to have friends over if parents allow. At 16, most kids hang out with friends in their bedroom vs the living room. Are your parents helping you get treatment for your agoraphobia?
It’s not fair to expect her friends to only be there for one hour. It’s normal to hang out for multiple hours at a time, a few times a week, especially when school is out for summer break.
Do you have another space that would feel semi-safe? A backyard? Your parent’s room sounds like it is an option. Or even the living room if she has friends in the bedroom.
Coming up with a roommate agreement sounds like a good idea. It would create agreed upon rules and expectations for the shared space. So an example could be to let you know when she expects guests and how long they plan to stay so you can prepare. Another example could be that 2 days a week, there are no guests so you know you have the whole day to be undisturbed in your room. Etc.
Info needed; are you medically diagnosed or self diagnosed? Are you receiving treatment for your disorder? How many days a week are her friends over?This just sounds like a normal sibling spat.
NAH. It’s a shared space and so she is entitled to bring her friends there, as are you. It’s unfortunate that you are opposite when it comes to socialising etc but you can’t give her friends a time limit. I hope you are seeking help/treatment for your agoraphobia which I’m sure makes the situation incredibly difficult for you. But try to look at it from her perspective; she shouldn’t miss out on friends coming over because it makes you uncomfortable; you need to communicate with each other to find something that is acceptable to both of you.
YTA, you need to get over your phobia. It’s her room as well.
INFO
> I’m (17F) have agoraphobia
And what are you doing to FIX that?
Are you actively in treatment for this condition? Or just hoping things might get better?
NAH. It’s an unfortunate position to be in but the fact is that she has just as much right to be in her room as you are. Neither of you have the right to kick the other out. The good news is that you’re nearly 18 and can start saving to move out so that you can have the privacy you want.
The only logical explanation here is to ask her to hang out at her friends so that way she can see an online therapist in the meantime to combat this issue house their mom doesn’t give a shit because she doesn’t understand what agoraphobia and she probably thinks her daughter is lazy and doesn’t like her sibling bc all siblings fight and for yall who are saying YTA that’s not helping at all bc with something like this you can’t treat it unless you get therapy and they share a room her sister should’ve been more considerate but she doesn’t care bc their mom is allowing it and how is she supposed to get therapy or treatment when she can’t leave the house and someone is always there ?
NTA.
INFO: is the agoraphobia a diagnosis?
Anyway, I’m also an introvert and just thinking about your sistuation makes me uncomfortable. Also, because of that, I also was called friendless all my teen years by my brother and it hurts, so, I’m sorry you are going through that. It does get better, I promise. One day, you’ll have your place and be able to have all the privacy you want and not have to let any people in who you don’t want to.
Maybe you could try to reach a compromise, ask your sister to tone down on the hours. She’s talking about not feeling private in the living room, but the room is yours too, and it’s invading your space. So maybe she could have people over for less hours and you could be somewhere else when she does. Also, you could talk to your mom about getting room dividers so you get a little bit of privacy when they are over and you are in the room?
If everything fails, you can always be a brat and make sure the room is uncomfortable so people will leave, like, it smells and so on. Make the unwanted guests feel uncomfortable so they won’t want to come over, by making noise, chiming into their conversation, listening to loud music so they can’t have a conversation, and so on.
NAH
I get you have this phobia. But your room isn’t just yours. It is her room too. She’s allowed to use it how she wants too. You both need to come up with a compromise.
NTA
But I might say Y T A if you were an adult. Why? Because as a minor, your parents should be getting you help for your agoraphobia, not just getting annoyed when you can’t handle your sister’s friends constantly being there. They are the AHs. As the Simpsons quote goes, “We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas.” (The only way you’d be the AH here would be if they’ve offered but you’ve refused)
Your sister’s not an AH, though, or at least, not as much of one, unless she’s completely unwilling to make any compromises and is just telling you to suck it up. The room belongs to both of you, it’s not just hers, and not just yours.
YTA. Your sister can have guests in her space. You don’t have a right to never feel uncomfortable or to achieve your comfort at the expense of your sisters right to have guests. Work through your issues.
how often is she inviting her friends over for? if it’s like everyday, yea that’s annoying. i don’t have agoraphobia, but my room is my safe space where i can feel most relaxed. you should both respect each other. she is allowed to have her friends over for as long as she likes too, but it shouldn’t exceed the amount of days in the week when they are absent.
YTA – one of you has to feel uncomfortable if she has friends over, and asking her to just not do that isn’t reasonable. Since the default is her not having friends round, you get your way on this the vast majority of the time.
So it’s not really unreasonable for her to expect you to compromise and go to your parents’ room for short periods (less than 12 hours is short in this context) while she has her friends over.
Your agoraphobia might make this extra uncomfortable but that’s a reason to address your condition and work hard on therapy or self-help rather than an excuse to control a key part of your sister’s life and dictate the actions of the rest of your family.
Reasonable would be asking her to visit her friends’ houses half of the time; or asking her to give you plenty of warning (like a couple of hours or so) when she’s bringing people over and letting you know who/how many people would be there so you can mentally prepare and make sure you have what you need in your parents’ room to distract yourself.
Unreasonable is deciding unilaterally that she should not be allowed to have friends in her room.
NAH. It makes total sense you feel this way due to your illness but it is also your sister’s room too and she’s not in the wrong either. Is there no way you could have separate rooms? Or divide the single room in some way, so that you each get a private area?
NTA, it’s not fair to you. You guys don’t have the space to accommodate individual rooms I’m guessing. And your room is your safe space and meant to be private. I hate it when my sister’s friends come over because it’s awkward and they are awfully invasive. So it would be nice if she just hangs out with her friends elsewhere. I don’t see why they need to go to your home, where there isn’t space. OR, they could just hangout in the living space.