My (30M) partner (26F) keeps ordering unhealthy food at odd hours of the night.
For some context, we have been dating for 5 years. Last year, she decided to enroll in college, which I fully supported ofc. Prior to this, we were splitting expenses. Now that she’s in school, I am the primary breadwinner, other than some money she makes here and there doing odd jobs. I am paying for her credit card bills, insurance, subscriptions, etc., not to mention our rent, utilities, and food costs.
Since our relationship began during COVID, we both developed a somewhat consistent (albeit costly & unhealthy) habit of ordering food on doordash / uber eats. We would order anywhere from 1-5 times a week, sometimes more if we were not feeling well. We were both working multiple jobs each at the time, so we weren’t exactly strapped for cash. However, we were both laid off from our full time jobs at the end of 2023. I took that as a sign to start a business; it’s going decently well, but we’re not in a place where we can afford to order takeout all the time anymore, especially with her being in school.
We’ve also both gained a ton of weight since we first got together. I’ve gained 80 lbs and she has gained close to 100. We’ve talked about wanting to live a healthier lifestyle, so we’ve been making positive dietary changes in our meals / daytime snacking habits.
However, the late night ordering hasn’t stopped. It still happens multiple times a week. She’ll order a bunch of food, and then ask me if I want some. If I say no, she’ll act passive aggressive and lowkey guilt trip me. She’ll say things like “I’ll feel weird if I’m just eating in front of you” or “I’ll just get you something anyway” which makes me feel shitty for not indulging. The worst part is, she orders the food right before my bedtime. She stays up later than I do, and I always feel awful when I wake up if I eat junk food right before bed.
All that being said, I’ve had several conversations with her about cutting down on ordering food late at night. I obviously don’t want to straight up control her spending, but at the end of the day, I’m paying off her credit cards that she is using to order the food, so I feel like I should have a say in it. I also feel like the late night binging is not great for our health. I love her just the same regardless of her weight, but I want to see her make more positive changes for her own health. She gets defensive when I try to talk to her about all of this.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t know how much longer I can afford to support this habit. She is still doing it regardless of how many times I talk to her, and she still makes me feel bad if I won’t eat with her when she orders. AITA for asking her to cut down / stop?
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My (30M) partner (26F) keeps ordering unhealthy food at odd hours of the night.
For some context, we have been dating for 5 years. Last year, she decided to enroll in college, which I fully supported ofc. Prior to this, we were splitting expenses. Now that she’s in school, I am the primary breadwinner, other than some money she makes here and there doing odd jobs. I am paying for her credit card bills, insurance, subscriptions, etc., not to mention our rent, utilities, and food costs.
Since our relationship began during COVID, we both developed a somewhat consistent (albeit costly & unhealthy) habit of ordering food on doordash / uber eats. We would order anywhere from 1-5 times a week, sometimes more if we were not feeling well. We were both working multiple jobs each at the time, so we weren’t exactly strapped for cash. However, we were both laid off from our full time jobs at the end of 2023. I took that as a sign to start a business; it’s going decently well, but we’re not in a place where we can afford to order takeout all the time anymore, especially with her being in school.
We’ve also both gained a ton of weight since we first got together. I’ve gained 80 lbs and she has gained close to 100. We’ve talked about wanting to live a healthier lifestyle, so we’ve been making positive dietary changes in our meals / daytime snacking habits.
However, the late night ordering hasn’t stopped. It still happens multiple times a week. She’ll order a bunch of food, and then ask me if I want some. If I say no, she’ll act passive aggressive and lowkey guilt trip me. She’ll say things like “I’ll feel weird if I’m just eating in front of you” or “I’ll just get you something anyway” which makes me feel shitty for not indulging. The worst part is, she orders the food right before my bedtime. She stays up later than I do, and I always feel awful when I wake up if I eat junk food right before bed.
All that being said, I’ve had several conversations with her about cutting down on ordering food late at night. I obviously don’t want to straight up control her spending, but at the end of the day, I’m paying off her credit cards that she is using to order the food, so I feel like I should have a say in it. I also feel like the late night binging is not great for our health. I love her just the same regardless of her weight, but I want to see her make more positive changes for her own health. She gets defensive when I try to talk to her about all of this.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t know how much longer I can afford to support this habit. She is still doing it regardless of how many times I talk to her, and she still makes me feel bad if I won’t eat with her when she orders. AITA for asking her to cut down / stop?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my SO to cut down on / stop ordering food late at night. I’m worried that she might think I’m judging her for her eating habits or trying to control her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, and I think you’re going to have to lay down the law here. Your gf is fully embracing an unhealthy college student lifestyle that neither she (healthwise) nor you (moneywise) can afford. She’s being incredibly immature and is taking your support (financial and otherwise) for granted. Being part of an adult relationship means being on the same page -and realistic!- about your finances.
You need to put your finances in front of her and agree on a set budget for delivery, maybe once a week as a treat. In the meantime, stock your pantry with healthy food you and she can cook and eat at home.
If she still refuses to get on board with this or continues to guilt you about it, then that should tell you all you need to know about how much she values you and your relationship, and you’ll have to decide from there how to proceed. One way or another, she’s overdue for a reality check.
Not at all.
Getting fat ain’t cool, and it certainly isn’t healthy. Food ain’t free, especially delivered food. And as you’ve previously discussed you’re not in a financial situation where needless splurging is attainable.
You don’t need to be a dick about it or anything, just lay down some basic cut backs that need to be made for financial reasons if nothing else.
This is a tuff one, but ultimately I think you are being TA to yourself. The late night orders are impacting your health, if she care for you then she should recognise your physical comfort is just important as her ‘feeling weird for eating infront of you’.
In reading your post im somewhat confused at what conversations you have had? Have you discussed the impact to your health when you eat late? Do you have an open conversation about finances? Have you had a conversation about why your girlfriend orders food late at night? Could you come up with a solution together so if she gets hungry there is food at home?
Op, in a relationship both your needs are important, you matter just as such as your gf.
NTA
She sounds like a feeder (someone who shows their love through food). 80-100 pound weight gain is massive. You both need to get it under control or you’re going to be suffering from some major health conditions. With that kind of weight gain there’s no way you’re not both obese, possibly morbidly obese.
That isn’t even mentioning the huge financial burden she’s putting on you, since you’re paying a minimum of a 20% premium on everything you order through delivery services.
If simple conversation doesn’t get through to her, you might want to look into couples therapy to figure out why she feels the need to keep feeding.
NTA
There’s nothing controlling about asking someone to cut back on spending YOUR money.
ESH
Get rid of the credit cards and unnecessary subscriptions. If there is no credit cards then you both can learn to budget. Don’t spend more than you earn.
The food is another issue entirely. If she doesn’t want to change her habits, that’s on her. But you can choose what goes into your mouth.
Approach this with “I feel” statements, don’t attack her but do have a formal sit down conversation and tell her “I feel so scared, I’m worried about our spending habits.”
NTA
I can’t imagine being this egocentric to my bf, nor spending all HIS money on shit junkfood and then guilt tripping hím about not eating. Sounds like she needs a reality check.
NTA If you’re the primary/only income earner, you get reasonable say in how income is spent. I use the word ‘reasonable’ as to exclude financial abuse….which you’re not doing. These late night meals are costing too much to your wallet and to your mutual health and you refuse to subsidise it any further. If she complains, tell her to get a job
NAH. This is two separate issues and they need to be kept separate. The physical impact of eating poorly is different than the immediate problem of her spending money that you don’t have in the budget on this late night fast food habit. You need to tell her that the ordering has to stop because of the finances of it, and the Issues of diet and weight need to be off the table for that discussion.
Delete your credit card details off the apps. If she wants to pig out, she can pay for it. If that turns you off, you can leave her. It’s totally normal to not want to be with someone who can’t look after their health. It might be a good wake up call for her. It’s a waste of life and money so make the necessary changes.
NTA
This is pretty much where I put on all of my weight. Taking college classes at night and online. When I got bored or tired, I would just eat. If I was reading something boring or studying, I was snacking. I cut out some gym time to make room for homework.
Food is a legal addiction. Especially all the sugar that’s in everything. Keep working with her. Freeze her credit cards if you have to or cancel them as soon as you can.
Intermittent fasting has worked for me. Tell her after 8pm that’s it. She can have fruit or a salad after that time.
What you need to do is limit the amount of junk food and processed food in the house. Start cooking more and setting regular dinner times. It’s going to take work because she’s stuck in her ways and food is her therapy right now. Additionally, try to scale back to only water. I guarantee she has heartburn and digestive issues. All that will subside when she starts to scale back on the junk.
She’s going to need your help though. She probably has everyone else telling her you’re trying to be controlling. Those external influences will have her self-sabotaging. Just be supportive and continue to encourage her.
Weight issues never go away, you just learn to manage the cravings and hopefully can replace the bad behavior with healthier behaviors. I haven’t had pop in about two years, but I crave it every day. That and energy drinks. I can go for a Monster at any point of the day. They were just bad for me and the amount I drank them, eventually caused health problems until I stopped and reevaluated my eating habits. I have a long way to go to be truly healthy, but I’m working on it.
Help her now, while she’s young and doesn’t have any medical problems. Trust me, we all have medical issues if your eating habits go unchecked. I lost 100 pounds with no gym, intermittent fasting and only drinking water for a year. I ate what I wanted but the fasting helped me to scale back to the point where I was consuming roughly 10% of the calories I used to consume.
Sit down and show her the facts. The income and the bills. Then both of you decide which day of the week is the “order in” day and what the limit will be. It’s a reality check she needs, and a mature partner you need. She’s not your kid, help her grow up.
NTA. Honestly I used to be just like her. For me it was easy to order. I could afford it easily and I struggled with deciding what to cook. It was much more fun to just have my favourite foods delivered to my house.
My boyfriend at the time (now husband) and I had separate finances. I ordered whatever I wanted and only occasionally checked with him. He couldn’t afford to order as much.
The only reason I cut back was because I took a pay cut and couldn’t do it financially anymore. Later on I made lifestyle changes and lost 50 lbs. But I only did it because I wanted to. It’s hard to get someone else to want to do something.
I think it’s best to approach the issue with kindness. Work with her to plan healthy meals. Maybe start with a challenge. See if she could stop ordering in for a full month. Or stick to only doing it once a week.
There are multiple aspects to this issue.
Good luck in navigating these issues. While I know you have a lot invested in this relationship, keep in mind that if things don’t get better, you are allowed to walk away and start over. You two may be better off apart than together.
Nta.
First, you should stop paying for the credit cards. I understood the reason, but she needs to be real about her spending and budget, and that won’t happen if you’re stepping in.
Second, be real with your reason. Your financial future matters to you, and you can’t afford it right now with no ft job and just starting a business. If she wants to order out, she’ll be responsible for the cost.
Third.. you really need to set your boundry on late night snacks. Be real. Explain that it makes you feel like crap eating that late and going to bed. Esp if its like McDonald’s or something.
You can’t control what she eats. You absolutely can control what you eat.
NTA
Your girlfriend is addicted to the connivence, laziness, and variety of the food she can get delivered. I think after the pandemic, most of us who lived in areas where DoorDash had a big presence found that we were ordering 1-5 times a week. It became a way of life. You want Chinese tonight? Order it. You want fast food for breakfast? Just order it. The best part was, it was decently affordable during the pandemic, but now the delivery fees and additional fees have gotten completely out of hand.
You’ve already spoken to her about this and she hasn’t listened. Maybe talk to her one more time and explain that it’s both expensive and unhealthy. Challenge her to 30 days no DoorDash (for both of you) and have there be some kind of cool prize at the end if one of you is able to do it. Or if you’re saying that she’s ordering let’s say an average of 4 times per week, see if you can start by reducing it to 3 times. Then 2 times. Then a once in a while treat when you’re both being lazy.
I understand why your girlfriend does this because the variety and connivence is great. I remember being like this. But the expense is insane and it is very unhealthy.
I would show her what this is costing you every month and that you can’t afford it to continue. I wouldn’t care if she got defensive, she has to realize how this is impacting your finances and your health.
Since you are the one paying you do have a right to try to control her spending, this isn’t fair to you.
sit her down and break it down, lay it all out, spreadsheet and all
Okay. So. There is two reasons I can think of her doing this…. A.) because she is unhappy/addicted/can’t stop. I think the more likely of the two. She isn’t stopping because she can’t. And this one is hard because it’ll take outside help. The statements she makes about “feeling weird” about you not eating if she is and yada yada is her feelings guilty because she’s struggling to control this herself. If she’s stress eating or addicted eating or addicted to ordering food…it might take more than you to fix this. Does she have medi-cal insurance or maybe through school or do you live somewhere where she can maybe talk to someone about her feelings and emotions? Don’t frame it from an “you order too much or eat too much” stand point. Just, we need you mentally healthy, let’s have a check up. Or B.) she doesn’t see it as an actual problem. She doesn’t care that you aren’t liking it or she thinks since it’s been working it’ll keep working…I think this one is a lot less likely the reason she does this because she loves you right? She wouldn’t want to push you passed your limits and be disrespectful to you. If she is purposely not caring well then mate, it might be time to have a come to Jesus talk. Which leads me to point 3. You are enabling her. I know that’s hard to hear, you are trying really hard but you are enabling this behavior. You are paying her credit cards when she does this “so her credit doesn’t tank” you are eating her food when she orders it…you would be the AH to keep enabling this and then coming to Reddit acting like it’s not your fault in anyway. Step 1 get her mental health care through school, health insurance, maybe the 50$ a visit apps if you can swing it. Step 2 on a separate day and time, have the talk that you will not be paying for her credit card if it’s food purchases. You will not be eating food she gets anymore from DoorDash, and you will need to reevaluate the dynamic of this relationship if the behaviors continues not because it’s easy but because it’s literally breaking you Step 3 and his a hard one…follow through. DO NOT eat the food she orders, DO NOT pay the food purchases on credit card DO exactly what you told her you were going to do. Good Luck Brother.