I am the youngest (F46) of 4 siblings (M49, F55, and F59) and our dad has been in failing health for a while including falls. His first fall requiring medical attention was in January, and I took him to the ER. In the time since, we’ve all been working on trying to get his house ready to sell and various medical things more recently to see about assisted living.
I have distanced myself from our dad in the last year. He’s not a kind man. Every one of us has expressed frustration dealing with him through this, and none of us has a loving history with him. The way I’ve chosen to handle it is just go about the business of what needs to be done but maintain distance. History with my brother is also not good – our other siblings have acknowledged how he’s pretty much always hated and picked on me, and we don’t speak outside of the absolutely necessary things.
Another fall requiring an ER trip happened last week, with my brother going with him. Toward the end of the week, my brother asked if I could make a grocery run for our dad if he couldn’t figure out the apps for pickup or delivery, so that our dad wouldn’t have to risk falling at the grocery store (this has apparently happened a couple of times).
I contacted my dad for his grocery list, and he said it’d work better if I came out so he could show me what he needed, so I went to his house and got the grocery list together, went to the store he preferred to shop at and got everything, and went back. When I got back, he noticed one item “wasn’t enough to get through the next day”, so I went and got the right size (another $20) and ran it back the next morning. He had covered the initial grocery trip but didn’t offer to reimburse for this item and I didn’t want to look like a jerk asking about it.
Tuesday, I texted my siblings and asked if someone else could handle the next trip, explaining that because I’d absorbed some cost and my budget is too tight, I would really appreciate it and I’d be glad to talk through his needs with whoever was going. My brother responded with a tirade about all of the expenses he’s incurred making trips out to mow, couldn’t believe my budget was that tight, and telling me I have “f*cked up priorities”.
I snapped back at him. I told him that it’s nothing to do with my priorities, which are none of his business anyway, and that my budget IS that right. Also none of his business. And I told him he could F his attitude.
AITA? Our family has been so dysfunctional for so long, I can’t tell if I’ve been responding like an emotional teenager or if I’ve just been having my attempt at healthy boundaries pushed and I’ve reacted to that as a reasonable person would.
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I am the youngest (F46) of 4 siblings (M49, F55, and F59) and our dad has been in failing health for a while including falls. His first fall requiring medical attention was in January, and I took him to the ER. In the time since, we’ve all been working on trying to get his house ready to sell and various medical things more recently to see about assisted living.
I have distanced myself from our dad in the last year. He’s not a kind man. Every one of us has expressed frustration dealing with him through this, and none of us has a loving history with him. The way I’ve chosen to handle it is just go about the business of what needs to be done but maintain distance. History with my brother is also not good – our other siblings have acknowledged how he’s pretty much always hated and picked on me, and we don’t speak outside of the absolutely necessary things.
Another fall requiring an ER trip happened last week, with my brother going with him. Toward the end of the week, my brother asked if I could make a grocery run for our dad if he couldn’t figure out the apps for pickup or delivery, so that our dad wouldn’t have to risk falling at the grocery store (this has apparently happened a couple of times).
I contacted my dad for his grocery list, and he said it’d work better if I came out so he could show me what he needed, so I went to his house and got the grocery list together, went to the store he preferred to shop at and got everything, and went back. When I got back, he noticed one item “wasn’t enough to get through the next day”, so I went and got the right size (another $20) and ran it back the next morning. He had covered the initial grocery trip but didn’t offer to reimburse for this item and I didn’t want to look like a jerk asking about it.
Tuesday, I texted my siblings and asked if someone else could handle the next trip, explaining that because I’d absorbed some cost and my budget is too tight, I would really appreciate it and I’d be glad to talk through his needs with whoever was going. My brother responded with a tirade about all of the expenses he’s incurred making trips out to mow, couldn’t believe my budget was that tight, and telling me I have “f*cked up priorities”.
I snapped back at him. I told him that it’s nothing to do with my priorities, which are none of his business anyway, and that my budget IS that right. Also none of his business. And I told him he could F his attitude.
AITA? Our family has been so dysfunctional for so long, I can’t tell if I’ve been responding like an emotional teenager or if I’ve just been having my attempt at healthy boundaries pushed and I’ve reacted to that as a reasonable person would.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my siblings to handle our dad’s next grocery run, and I think that might make me the AH because of how my brother responded
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA you’re clearly just stating you do not have the financial means to cover expenses for your father. Asking for help from your siblings seems like the right thing to do! Best of luck to you!
It’s honestly difficult to judge this without knowing how much your siblings are contributing to your dad’s finances/care. One the one hand, if your finances are truly so tight that you literally can’t afford $20 without having to ask your siblings to chip in, obviously buying your dad groceries etc is not going to be sustainable for you. However, if your other siblings have been significantly contributing (eg your brother doing house maintenance etc), I can see how they’d feel pretty disrespected over you taking issue with $20. Is there a way you can contribute more but not through finances?
I think you answered your brother properly, in a language that the prick will understand. Simply ask your dad for the money, if he doesn’t have enough, ask what he needs based on the dollar value he has. I guess he has no savings. You might need to get nosy about his paperword. Also, keep an eye on the asshole sibling, those are the ones that will steal from a parent, and often parents don’t realize or don’t want to say anything and look stupid. If he owns a house, you may want to get a title search done just to see what is owed against it. And be more careful when the house sells, someone may need to be power of attorney, and then when sibling steals, you’re screwed. I have a sister like your brother, they don’t think like us, they don’t have regular feelings.
> The way I’ve chosen to handle it is just go about the business of what needs to be done but maintain distance.
YTA.
They’ve chosen a different even more distance path. Can’t fault them.
INFO
I don’t understand why the person picking up groceries for dad isn’t simply taking HIS card to pay with.
There’s nothing here to suggest he doesn’t have the resources to pay for his own groceries.
At least they’re contributing something. I would definitely minimize interaction with the rude brother. Just get dad set up with a grocery delivery service that uses one of his own credit cards for payment. NTA, you’re doing your best.
NAH
What is your dad’s financial situation? What resources does he have to access food and support? Has he reached out to Meals on Wheels?
You say your father is not a kind man. I’d say he reaps what he sews. You have chosen to take care of him and support him financially, but your siblings have not. If my brother asked me for money for my parents or for me to do a grocery run, I’d probably not be so kind in my response. You are allowed to ask, but cannot set your own expectations on siblings who have set up their own boundaries.
I think this is an E S H situation.
Your brother seems to be a hothead and has had it out for you since you were born and he was no longer the baby sibling.
But I think you picked the wrong battle. You are right to ask about a division of responsibilities between thr siblings, yes. But to complain about $20 you voluntarily gave, I can see why that would be irritating to someone who routinely spends a lot more time and money on their dad. If the $20 was so significant, just ask your dad for his card next time.
I think you should use this opportunity to open up a dialogue with your siblings about the division of responsibilities and how dad’s expenses/bills/groceries will be covered. (Asusming dad has money, all expenses should be paid or reimbursed from dad’s account, not siblings).
NTA
You’re stressed and dealing with this sibling’s rudeness as best you can.
Good luck with your dad.
Have you and your siblings agree what the end of life plan looks like. Who will do what and who pays for what as your dad’s contrition deteriorates. If you want to the care – what are the options ? Can your dad afford car workers to help ?
Whos paying for groceries
If its not dad. Then you guys should agree upon how much to spend to cover him and not buy useless junk or whatever place he likes shopping at
If you decide to continue to help your father, for the next grocery run set up the app for him. You can save his regular grocery list and his payment method. Then setup delivery or pickup that your father handles himself. If you have his login credentials, you don’t even need to go to him next time he needs any kind of assistance with his grocery order. As for your brother, limit contact with him and ignore his rages. He is emotionally dysregulated. Even if he has a valid point to make, he needs to learn to do it in a respectful and rational manner.
ESH. Y’all are mad at your dad’s condition which he cannot control and the attitude about it WHICH IS FREAKING NORMAL ONCE YOU AGE AND HAVENT YET ACCEPTED THAT YOUR AGE NOW PREVENTS YOU FROM BEING NORMAL! It’s called grief and it’s a damn process! FFS none of you seem to have any care or compassion.
ALL SIBLINGS need to sit down together and make a plan together. IDGAF if y’all don’t like each other. The health and safety of a person is at stake here. It sounds like everyone is contributing in their own way already- but the fact that none of you will talk and make a plan is a problem!
Any of you can set up his app WITH him and then all he has to do is hit the reorder button. There was no need for anyone to even go to the store. His card should be in the app and no one else has to pay UNTIL he gets to the point that he can’t manage the money and forgets that he’s already ordered. In that case, you set some sort of an alarm for the day he needs to place a new order!!
Y’all should be figuring out what services he’s entitled to and get him on them! This sounds like he shouldn’t even be living independently anymore either- yet there’s no plan beyond getting the house ready to sell.
NTA. Your father doesn’t deserve kindness if he is not a kind man.
If your dad is falling all the time, he needs the nursing home, not assisted living. They’ll take every dime he has until he qualifies for medicaid. Might as well spend any savings or home equity he has now on food, home help, and maybe a trip if he can make it. It’s all downhill from here. There will be no inheritance to fight over.
Can your Dad afford a part time in home caregiver? Someone to come in, do a little light housekeeping, take him shopping or go for him? Cook a couple of meals? Take him to his appointments? Companion care?
I do this part time in Fl through an agency. Most of my clients are only 2-4 hour shifts.
Once clients start needing help with bathing and toileting they go on to another service provider. Thats outside our training, skills or training.
When he’s in the hospital, talk to a social worker and say that he needs support and you’re unable to give it because of past abuse.
If you have to get him food, tell him you can get what you can get from the food bank, but you can’t afford to pay for his groceries or he needs to give you money