This will be long and kind of complicated so I’ll try to make it simple to follow if I (M16) can.
The TLDR version: My parents have been on and off again my entire life. My dad has a long term partner “Sally” and my mom has a long term partner “Bryan”. Sally has been more present through the mess than Bryan has since my dad and Sally stay together longer. Dad and Sally have at least two kids together. Sally actually has four kids but one is definitely someone else’s and the other could be my dad’s but IDK. There’s a lot of mess and complications and it got explosive recently and my parents decided it was time to get divorced. During the divorce they had a custody hearing for me and I asked to live with my granny (dad’s mom) instead of either of my parents. The judge let this happen. My parents and Sally are pissed and so are some extended relatives who live with one of my parents or who are busy bodies and feel like they have a say in any of this.
Longer version so beware for a lot of shit going on.
My parents had me when they were 19. When I was a baby my dad met Sally and they had an affair which caused a big breakup between my parents. My parents had already been a bit on and off but this was different. This was like a big official breakup and started some real bad blood between mom and Sally. When I was 2 my parents cheated on Sally with each other and got married behind her back.
My parents were still on and off and they fought a lot and they stayed like that for another 3 years. Then Sally and my dad had another affair. My mom kicked dad out and dad moved in with Sally and her first kid. My mom met Bryan after that breakup with dad. They didn’t move in together or anything but he was around a bit.
Sally had a miscarriage a few months after she and dad got back together and that caused a big breakup between her and my dad.
Throughout all this, from the time I was a baby, my granny (dad’s mom) was my hero. She had me for overnight sleepovers and sometimes she even had me for a weekend or two in a month. It was great. I loved being with her and she made me feel safe and like I had someone solid. I could complain about mom or dad, Sally or Bryan to her and it wasn’t something I got scolded for. She advocated for me too and told my parents to do better by me. They didn’t listen but she tried.
My mom and Bryan broke up for a while and my parents were back together for like a month. Then they broke up again and dad and Sally got back together while she was pregnant with her ex’s kid (the one that is 100% not my dad’s). They were still on and off but they had two kids after getting back together before the next big breakup happened. My mom and Bryan were back together then too. Their on and off was less clear because he never lived with mom and me.
My dad and Sally were doing better. She had them do marriage counseling and stuff to stop the breaking up and getting back together. They’d talk about it around the house and I remember her saying she wanted to learn to stop being jealous of my mom because it was hard for her to know mom would never be entirely out of their lives and how he would always have me with her. I don’t know how long they were in marriage counseling but at some point my parents started sleeping together again and one night dad moved out of his and Sally’s house and moved back in with me and mom. They were expecting another baby too.
Sally lost her mind and she even went apeshit on me because I didn’t care about the hurt my parents had caused her and I didn’t want to go see her and the kids. She went crazy even more after that because my dad and mom told her I was excited about the baby. It was insane how angry she was about me. She thought I had loved her and we had bonded and she knew I was never excited for her pregnancies or kids. She accused me of betraying her too and I told her she wasn’t my mom.
My sister was stillborn when mom was 7 months pregnant. It destroyed both of my parents and me. I had mixed feelings when mom was pregnant. I was excited. A part of me loved that I’d have a sibling who’d know exactly what it was like with mom and dad. But I wanted better for her too and knew it wasn’t really fair to her to be born into this shitshow.
My parents relationship broke down in the biggest way and Sally and my dad ended up getting back together and so did my mom and Bryan, but long distance this time. After a while my parents filed for divorce from each other and both wanted custody of me. Sally was still mad at me about everything and we had a big fight after she and my dad got back together and I threw it in her face that she was the affair first. She hated that I brought it up when I was too young to remember but I told her I didn’t see her as better than my mom. And I said that because she sees herself as better than mom. I just think they’re all shitty.
When it came to the custody stuff the judge asked to speak to me and asked for a therapist to speak to me as well. I asked the judge to let me live with granny. I said both my parents were messes and I wanted to be in the one place that wasn’t crazy. I even asked this in front of my parents and Sally.
The judge looked at everything and agreed. Granny was relieved. She had offered to take me before and got turned down and she was told she’d never win a custody battle with them. But since the judge wanted to speak to me it was easier. She made living with granny possible.
And now I’ve been with granny a while but there’s a lot of anger from my parents and Sally. I’m mostly ignoring it and granny has protected me as much as she can. But I hate that my parents and Sally act like they do about it when granny does give me a way better life. And I’m away from all the shit in their lives. I don’t miss any of them, not even the other kids.
AITA?
Comments
nta from the title, nta from the tldr, nta from the long version. your parents suck, kid, good luck. glad you live with someone who really cares for you. never feel bad for looking out for yourself.
NTA. Tough luck on the parents sweepstake. At least you know how to act like an adult. Well done letting your wishes be known.
Nta at all. You were looking for stability. Parents and Sally love you and all have their own viewpoints on what’s best but can’t provide stability because of all the history.
This is probably one of the easiest NTA. I wish you all the best in life
Updateme
NTA and it is terrible that you’re the only one thinking clearly in this situation. Your parents plus one are a hot mess. They can’t handle their own situation and seem like highly emotional people. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be emotional when it’s all adults but they’ve brought kids into this fiasco because none of them want to fully commit. To anything. Having problems with one, go hop in bed with the other…for 16 years. This must be the life they really want since none of them are doing anything real to stop it (for almost 2 decades). You are right to want to get away. Your parents plus one are the only ones who think this behavior is okay–even if they all get mad at eachother all the time. They want it or they would stop it. Now their nonsense is all a matter of court record. How are they not embarrassed? I’m glad you have a granny who helped you get out of this toxic cycle.
NTA and don’t let them bully you or manipulate you into anything. The fact is they never grew up and became responsible adults. They are still stuck in HS mindset and behavior. I am glad you have your granny and I hope you are in therapy as well.
NTA, the judge and your granny are the only sane ones in this soap opera. You deserve stability in your life.
NTA You did the right thing to protect yourself, and I’m so glad you have your grandmother to be there for you.
NTAH in any way here.
You are a victim of three self centered, lying cheating adults who cannot keep their pants on long enough to cross the road.
I’m glad you’re finally able to live in a normal sane and stable home with the one person who actually cares about you.
It’s time to block Sally and those sperm and egg donors and stop letting them drag the shitshow of their lives into yours.
You are almost a senior in HS.
Focus on your studies and make yourself and your grandma proud.
Those other people are a lost cause and not your responsibility.
NTA If you do have to talk to any of them again tell them, “None of them cared how each break up or get back together was so stressful to you. You’re finally with someone who cares about your feelings which none if them showed before. It’s time they allowed you to be happy instead of only thinking about what want.”
Wow… you’re where you need to be, because if this is real, holy s**t… you’ve been raised in a poorly written soap opera!
NTA I am so sorry you’ve had to go through all this for all these years instead of being able to be a child and feel safe and loved. I’m just so glad you have your gran and that’s she’s always been there for you.
You’ve done nothing wrong and only your parents and Sally caused all this. They have no right to be mad at you for simply wanting out of the toxic emotional manipulation and stress you out in by each of them.
On a separate note I grew up unwanted but never had anyone like your gran. I had an older lady neighbour for a while but she didn’t know the abuse, no one did as my parents projected as great people to the world so I never even attempted to tell. I’m just so glad you have that one person there for you. As even when my cousins were beat up by their dad or mum and turned up at another of our Aunts or Grans for a few days with black eyes the lot. It was always made clear they would have to go back after a couple of days. Believe it or not my cousins were loved and wanted unlike me so there was no on I could turn to even briefly.
Families can be crap awful people and things if you’re born into the wrong one. However they do not define who you are and what your life will and could be. Love your gran and build your strength to ignore them and go low to no contact as I guarantee anytime they are in your life will be the worse for it. We stupidly hold out some subconscious hope that things could change and they could be better. Yet all that does is push us to give them more chances to hurt us time and again. I’m surrounded by loved ones now. I cut off not just my parents but many of my extended family and only kept those who respected me and showed me love. I’ve built my own family and also have many friends who are also now my family more so than most of my biological one could ever be.
NEVER FEEL GUILTY FOR PROTECTING YOURSELF AND PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST. You are already better than them and the best way to win is to build a good life for yourself showing them you don’t need them or their toxic. Give your gran a hug and stay strong they wronged you in their selfishness not the other way about.
Way to go granny!
I’m so happy your granny is on your side. My granny was also my rock. NTA
NTA and you and Granny sound like wonderful people. I’m so happy that you’ve found peace, and you’re going to do amazing things!
NTA and just tell those idiots to tap you on the shoulder once they’ve reached some semblance of human existence.
NTA
Have a reply that you send to all of them everytime they bring it up:
‘Your personal lives have ruined my childhood. All of you are disloyal, constantly cheating on each other and abusing everyone in your vicinity. I never deserved to grow up in the middle of your mess. Your continued complaints about me finally being in a stable and safe environment just prove that none of you care about what is best for me, and remind me that being away from your immaturity, chaos and selfishness was absolutely the right path.’