I (32M) work at a small architecture firm and have been there for about seven years. Last summer, we took on a student intern—let’s call her Carey (24F). She was enthusiastic, hardworking, and got along well with the team. Most of my coworkers are in their 40s, so it was refreshing to have someone younger and full of energy in the office. Carey was our first intern to stay on part-time even after the summer ended, continuing to help me on several of my projects throughout the year.
A few months later, I was invited to teach a small university-level architecture course at the same local program I graduated from. I’ve always wanted to give back to academia, so I accepted. Coincidentally, Carey ended up being one of the students in that class. I treated her like I did the others—professional, encouraging, and supportive.
When the semester ended, Carey reached out to ask if I’d participate in a graduation event called the “tools-handing ceremony.” At our school, this is a symbolic tradition where a student chooses someone who mentored or inspired them—often a professor, employer, or even family member—to hand them a ceremonial set of drafting tools. It’s meant to recognize the person’s influence on their growth as a designer. It’s not romantic or anything like that—it’s just a meaningful gesture within our field.
I was honored and flattered to be asked. But when I mentioned it to my wife (32F), she didn’t take it well. She said it made her uncomfortable that a “random student” would ask me to do something so personal. She pointed out that none of the other students had asked me, and that she felt something about it was weird. Note she has never Carey in person. I tried to explain the context—how the ceremony works, how I’d worked with Carey before she was even my student, how I didn’t see this as inappropriate—but she was still uneasy about it. Even after two weeks, she asked me not to do it.
I don’t want to hurt or disrespect my wife’s feelings, but I also didn’t want to turn down a student who genuinely seemed to value my mentorship. AITAH for still wanting to go?
Comments
This reads like a computer wrote it. But NTA.
Your wife needs to grow tf up. I’m sure this was very meaningful to the student. You’re not just not the arsehole, you sound like a great mentor!
YTA for this fake post
Respect your wife. Carey should mean next to nothing to you
Your wife sounds insecure and unreasonable, and like she doesn’t trust you. Is there a reason for that? If not, what she fails to realize is that if you wanted to cheat, you could do it anytime you wanted. What about this particular situation does she have an issue with?
Take your wife with you.
NTA. Not sure why your wife is insecure about this, but you might want to have a conversation with her about it. It’s a lovely honor Carey is bestowing on you and chances are pretty decent you’re not going to see much of her in the future.
Info: Being that you attended the same school, who did you have for your tools-handing-ceremony-person? Can you have literally anyone explain this tradition to her so you aren’t risking your marriage, or your position as a mentor in your line of work?
Have your wife go with you. She being insecure, but you and Carey shouldn’t have to miss out on a graduation activity because your wife is insecure. This isn’t a date or an after hours dinner meeting “for work” or anything like that. It’s a school sanctioned graduation and mentor ceremony.
No ur a dad. In every other sense it would be fuck your feelings. So fuck hers. Its not like you will sit next to each other at the graduation. Or just don’t. You have rights as a father
No. You are fine
NTA – Your wife is being insecure, jealous, and causing problems due to this. You wouldn’t be an asshole for doing it still, however, you are the person who has to live with your wife. Is doing the ceremony with this student worth causing fights at home? That’s a decision only you can make because your wife isn’t likely to let this go.
Ever watch Madmen? From your description I think I see your wife’s concern about tool handling.
I think its a great honor that student and intern sees you so fondly in their career growth! I’d say, I’m sorry your umcomfortable- but I’d ddo it anyway! Still sorry about the uncomfort but put your big girl panties on
NTA. Your wife is being unreasonable and insecure. Can your wife go with you to the ceremony?
Your wife will be your ex wife one day without some therapy and conversation . The type of insecurity showing here is often deeply Engrained. That or we are missing a piece of your history and she feels this way “because if something”
Wife needs to clean up the jelly all over herself and put her big girl/ ADULT panties on!!!
What the hell? Your wife should be so pumped for you! You’ve helped to make someone’s education more worthwhile and rewarding, and that student wants to recognize you for being so wonderful. Your wife should be proud of the man that she married, not suspicious.
This honestly breaks my heart. It sounds like you’re an amazing guy and your wife can’t be bothered to get her head out of her ass long enough to get in your corner for this? Based on what you told us, you are very much NTA. It sounds like you’re an amazing mentor.
take her with and have her meet the student and be understanding. but i wouldn’t just not go either , try to get her to understand your feelings as well
Your wife’s an imbecile!
Try explaining the relationship dynamic . I have female friends whom I treat like nieces. (Mostly younger ones) not romantic not close like a daughter but with a general fondness.
Your wife needs to get it together….
I’ve had teachers that made me feel more comfortable and encouraged than others and see nothing wrong with her asking you to go out for you to go. Your wife should’ve been proud you were that for a student.
NTA but just take your wife with you to the event
NTA but maybe start some marriage counseling because she sound like she insure in her marriage
This all sounds very work relevant & appropriate. Its not like shes a random girl you met at Starbucks. NTA
Sounds like you care more about Carey’s feelings than your wife’s feelings.
Stuff like this makes me glad to be single.
Yeah, this isn’t a “you” problem.. this is a “her” problem. Take her with you, as long as she promises to be respectful. If she can’t, she can stay home.
NTA. Your wife either misunderstands the ceremony or is maybe insecure? You should offer to take your wife with you. Be kind, introduce her, hold her hand, be a good “date” to it. Let her know there is zero threat and this is an honor as a mentor and professional. Good luck!
Your wife needs to get over herself.
Are you sure that you aren’t attracted to Carey and all her enthusiasm? That there is no flirting on either side? I ask because while this could be all innocent would you have actually done all this for a male intern?
How much time did you spend with Carey alone when doing these “projects”?
ESH cuz honestly, if you don’t realize why your wife might be suspicious I’m wondering… are you fuxking your student?
NTA! You need to bang Carey and show your wife whos boss!
Is your wife coming?
I think she misses that interns get mentored in the job, and architecture is one of those fields where you need practice (apprenticeships) and guidance/support to really establish yourself.
Honestly sounds like an award to me. Take your wife with you. It’s weird for her to ask you not to accept but there should be zero issues with her attending as well… NTA for wanting to go, but YWBTA if you didn’t invite your wife/give her the option to go. If she declines then you would be NTA for going. She is acting insecure and that is an issue in its own, but it would be relieved if she went with you. It’s also common for spouses to be with their partner when they accept/awards gifts in this manner.
Nta Ask your wife to come with you. She should be proud of you. Buy her a fabulous dress and allow for her feelings. Don’t row cos she’ll dig in.
Do you value your wife more ? Theres your answer.
NTA but your wife is very insecure. I’ve seen these ceremonies for different professions before and yes, someone that’s mentored you, helped you and that you admire is who you ask. I asked a colleague who had years of experience when I went through a similar thing years ago in my profession. There is nothing romantic about it. It’s a gesture where the expert is passing on knowledge and the torch to someone who is just starting out.
If she still feels insecure, take her with you then attend marriage counseling bc this is just a sign of something deeper.
NTA. I’ve seen many schools with similar traditions and it’s often very hard for many students to find someone they feel comfortable asking. This girl likely also struggled with the decision. You’re doing her a favor. That’s it. Your wife needs to get over it unless there is more to this story.
Invite her! It’s a very pitiful controlling fear-based response. Unless you have feelings for your intern in which case yeah, don’t go, and you’ve got some splaining to do.
That’s a grown woman. & your wife knows it.
NTA, go to the ceremony as it would mean a lot to your student.
Your wife just doesn’t get it and not her fault but she also needs to get over it. Not like rhe 2 of you will be doing anything in private where there can be any question as to what’s going on.
I agree with the others. Take your wife with you. In fact, this should be standard. If your wife wants you to be successful, she needs to show up and stand with you. Attending award ceremonies among other functions is a work-social requirement for you and goes toward building your professional career. It helps you build that “Plays Well With Others” reputation that leads to earning & affording the kind of life you aspire to. Wife goes with you for your career stuff, and you go with wife for her career building activities too.
YTA. There’s clearly more here if this is real. Your wife has reason to feel sketchy that a young female student feels so connected to you after you teaching one course once at a university and simply working at the same place as you for a few months that they want you to do this. She’s wondering what boundaries were crossed. You can be honest with the student, and just say while you’re honored, you aren’t able to do it. Your wife is more important than your student.