For context I (17m) really don’t like physical contact very much. There are very few people I feel comfortable touching/letting them touch me, with those being my older sis and a few friends.
My mother is a very physically affectionate person and loves hugs, cuddles etc. I have asked her not to hug me many times and she never listens. She will often come hug me or try to cuddle me when I am sitting in the couch or laying in bed, even after I say no or ask her not to.
Her reasoning is often “I am your mother, I deserve a hug” or “I carried you for 9 months, you can hug me”. I have tried to explain to her in many different ways that I don’t enjoy it. It often gets even worse in the school year as my sister leaves for college, leaving me my mothers sole focus. It’s gotten bad enough that I try to avoid her or leave the house just to get away for a minute.
I still love her but I can’t handle the constant touching even after I repeat a phrase drilled into me from a young age: “ When someone says no, it means no.” She refuses to listen to even that simple lesson that she herself taught me.
I don’t really want to hurt her feelings but I don’t know how to say it any more clearly or get her to listen. So am I the asshole for this?
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For context I (17m) really don’t like physical contact very much. There are very few people I feel comfortable touching/letting them touch me, with those being my older sis and a few friends.
My mother is a very physically affectionate person and loves hugs, cuddles etc. I have asked her not to hug me many times and she never listens. She will often come hug me or try to cuddle me when I am sitting in the couch or laying in bed, even after I say no or ask her not to.
Her reasoning is often “I am your mother, I deserve a hug” or “I carried you for 9 months, you can hug me”. I have tried to explain to her in many different ways that I don’t enjoy it. It often gets even worse in the school year as my sister leaves for college, leaving me my mothers sole focus. It’s gotten bad enough that I try to avoid her or leave the house just to get away for a minute.
I still love her but I can’t handle the constant touching even after I repeat a phrase drilled into me from a young age: “ When someone says no, it means no.” She refuses to listen to even that simple lesson that she herself taught me.
I don’t really want to hurt her feelings but I don’t know how to say it any more clearly or get her to listen. So am I the asshole for this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was avoiding my mother. This may make me the asshole because it is avoiding a family member just because of their feelings and actions.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. But one day sooner than you think you will want to hug your mother more than anything else in the world, and she will be gone
Best to get them in now.
>“I am your mother, I deserve a hug” or “I carried you for 9 months, you can hug me”.
“I, I, I”. You have a right to bodily autonomy, it’s the most basic right of any human. She continues to breech your boundaries in this matter.
You’re going to have to really lay it out for her so she understands that she is twisting you setting boundaries into a “you don’t love me unless you let me” issue and that is so, so unfair.
You are NTA.
While it is true you will at some point want to be able to hug her and she won’t be there, it is also true that for this moment she is disrespecting you. There are other ways for her to show you her love that don’t make you uncomfortable. I’m hoping the two of you can find what that is so both of you will get what you need from your relationship.
Mothers are so important but daughters are too and both should be respected.
NTA. I am an extremely affectionate person with those who are close to me, but understanding boundaries of those people I love and respect is no trouble for me. Perhaps explaining how you feel when hugged by your mother to her would make her understand better, and you can come to a mutual agreement or compromise.
NTA had a similar thing with my mother instead of the “carried you for 9 months” she just called me weird for not wanting physical contact.
NTA not everyone is okay with physical touch
NTA. As a mother, I understand her desire for affection, but she also has to respect your right to boundaries. “No” is a complete sentence. My daughter was around your age when she started setting her boundaries for hugs, etc. This is what she said to me, “Mom, I love you, but I don’t want to be hugged when I say no. When you ignore me, it makes me want to avoid you, and I don’t want that.” Maybe you can tell your mother the same.
Of all the things you’re not going to want to do in your life, this is one of the smallest.
NTA, but you need a reality check. Yes, you have every right to refuse. But there are all sorts of physically uncomfortable situations you will have to deal with, and no recourse, that you might as well start learning to deal now, and not when you’re stuck in an airplane seat and no way out. It’s all mental.
If all goes well, a day will come when you will do anything to have this physical touch one last time. Until then, keep establishing petty boundaries for her, keep pushing her away. Peace out.
NTA. The hard part for people to understand is that this isn’t about them, it’s about you. I went through something similar in my teens where physical touch was just making my anxiety go through the roof. I had to put boundaries in place and my mom struggled with it a lot. She said fine but also said i couldnt do that with my grandparents because they wouldnt understand or handle it well. I told her i’d already expressed my new boundary to them and they were okay with it. After that she released the tension in her shoulders and had an easier time with it because she realized it wasn’t about her or a reflection on her.
NTA.
You probably need to get more blunt, because she isn’t getting it.
“No means no.”
“Get off me.”
“Do I need to start yelling?”
“Keep forcing yourself on me and I’ll avoid you even more.”
And get a lock for your bedroom door.
NTA — I hope you and your family enjoy the remaining time with each other before you go to college (if that’s what you’re up to). My mom had an empty nest and I definitely picked up on these same behaviors and I get it. I handle touch differently than you; we’re both allowed to feel what we feel and have that respected. good to stand up for yourself with family; and also good to empathize with what your mom is experiencing.
Ew.
Then when you’re an adult and out of the house, it’s going to be “i took care of you for 18 years blah blah blah.”
Look, mom, I love you but touch is NOT one of my love languages. Please, I need you to respect me and my body and keep your hands off.
NTA but I think it’s interesting that your mom isn’t a safe person to you. If you’re ok touching sis she probably thinks you’re lying and are just being shy/manly.
Idk you could try weirding her out or wearing stuff that makes it difficult to touch cuddle you like chains or just stay away as long as possible.
I’d try asking a relative preferably Male to intercede.
NTA
“Mom, it’s time we had a talk about consent.”
If she doesn’t get it, ask why she would feel good making you feel awful. That’s a real gut punch question, so hold that for if she doesn’t get it.
NTA
I (53M) also do not like physical contact & it’s taken me decades to get to the point where I can assert my boundaries/body autonomy in this area (COVID was a godsend in that respect).
There are a couple of people who have default permission to hug me (my wife & brother) but even they know I may not always be receptive – a case in point being the day of my Dad’s funeral earlier this year where I just couldn’t bear anyone touching me… however much THEY may have felt oit would help me/them.
FWIW I’m late-diagnosed autistic (at 47).
You could try asking your mum to respect your boundaries & tell her it’s not ‘no hugs’ it’s just a case of:
– check first
– respect ‘no’
– quality not quantity… when she does get to hug you it’s extra valuable.
NO-ONE has the ‘right’ to touch you without your permission, irrespective of your relationship, age, gender, whatever…
Forcing you into hugs is going to make them a point of stress & mean you’ll be even less receptive.
Good luck
NTA. As a mom myself I never expect my kids to return physical affection unless they are comfortable with it. It doesn’t matter if it’s family, friends, or strangers. It’s your body and personal space and you deserve the autonomy to say no.
NTA I get others saying the whole “you’ll miss it when it’s gone” thing but they are missing the fact she isnt respecting you or listening at all. I absolutely hate it when parents pull the “it’s ok I’m your mother/father” card. No. If it was ok then nothing would have been said in the first place.
On the flip side. If she ever did respect you, you may also consider her side and give her a hug once in a while (when you know you can handle it). But that may be far and out of the question. I just see so many people not considering kindness if the person does change and listen/opens the door to change.
That being said she does sound hard to work with and I’m sorry. I hope you find some peace.
NTA
Keep saying her lessons back to her
“No means no mom”
Ask your mom if she believes rape is OK. When she says no, ask her why. She will likely bring up something about being touched in ways you don’t consent to. After she says that, emphasize that each time she hugs you against your will, she is physically touching you in a way you don’t consent to. She is training you by her actions that rape is OK because only her feelings matter in a hug, not yours; why wouldn’t you learn the lesson that only your feelings matter in other physically intimate situations.
NTA
Maybe try one more time, “You taught me that when someone says No, it means No. If you can’t respect that, I’m going to start avoiding you.” and see how that goes. Assuming the persists, NTA to avoid her.
You have obviously no need to do anything you are not comfortable with but try to be more affectionate. Sometimes maybe your mother needs a hug. You said you have an older sis, maybe she misses her and knows you might go away soon as well and wants to show her love. Everybody is a different person, my sister was not a hugger as well but she is now studying abroad and misses those hugs so much. My vote is for NAH
NTA. I am a hugger and very affectionate. It took me some time to get used to my daughter’s boundaries. I now ask her if I can give her a hug.
I’m sorry your Mom isn’t hearing you. But I do like a previous comment of sitting down and talking to her about consent. You just need to get her to connect what she is doing needs to stop and respect your boundaries.
You don’t owe us hugs.
Nta
You need to be more blunt with her about it. Expect to her that it’s not her in particular but you dislike physical contact overall.
My brother doesn’t like people touching him, and this sorta manifested as a late teen, so our mother stopped hugging him. It’s as simple as that, basic respect. (ironically I’m not given the same respect from either of them for my gender but that’s another story)
he will allow the rare hug on special occasions, but that’s it, he’s over 40 now
NTA – As you have already discovered this is going to be very difficult to get your mom to understand.
Her love language is physical touch, your’s is not. Her brain is literally wired different from yours and getting her to understand that what to her is love is for you a violation, she need’s to ask if she gives you a hug, and explain to her that if you arn’t in the mood it doesn’t mean you are upset or don’t love her
best of luck
NTA. You’re going to have to hurt her feelings if you want this to stop. She’s shown she won’t listen to you when you ask nicely, so she isn’t showing that she cares about your feelings. She was correct when she taught you that “no means no”, so you’re going to have to be very firm.
Maybe keep a squirt bottle on you?
NTA.
I have friends that dont like to be touched and friends that we hug hello and goodbye. I dont hug the no touch friends. Super simple.
Personally, I get over sensitized by too much touch. I have an ex that would just unconsciously rub the same spot over and over, and I’d have to “yell” at him because it would hurt.
If you’re like me where you’re too sensitized to touch and it physically hurts, ask your mom if you could show her how it feels to be touched by anyone. And then get a low grit sandpaper and just start (gently! Dont try and sandblast her!) rubbing the same spot for a bit. It gets the point across that it’s not that you dont love her. It’s that it physically hurts.
Also, this level of discomfort with physical touch is unusual. Has it always been like this? Might want to get double-checked for imbalances. Though, this is normal for certain non neurotypicals.
I also don’t love hugs so I asked my mom to kiss my forehead instead. It’s a nice compromise and when I visit I lean over and she automatically kisses my forehead! It’s very cute. ETA NTA
Yta. My god. It’s your mom.
YTA. You don’t have a genuine condition like haphephobia because you do let some people touch you. You are just particular about WHO is touching you.
Your mom sounds like a very nice person and many people would have LOVED this kind of affection when they were younger.
Hug your mom whilst she is still around. At some point, you’ll never get to hug her again and you’ll wish you did.
I’m sorry you’re going through this… NTA, but strict boundaries are needed here, if she won’t see it from your perspective, try to reverse the gender roles and explain it to her that way, if she still refuses to accept it— honestly Id pulled the crazy card (just start going crazy when she tries) but that’s ME so be careful ❤️