I (31M) lost my job and my wife (30F) and I moved in with her parents for about a year. We have three kids (5, 4, 2). During that time, MIL repeatedly said things like:
“You’re not a man.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“You’re a loser.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You’re a failure.”
“You’re worthless.”
“My daughter deserves a partner, not a project.”
“Every boss you’ve had sees what I see: nothing.”
“You lack basic common sense—that’s why you fail.”
“You’re supposed to be a provider—now provide for your family. Oh right, you can’t.”
This happened near-daily, often in front of our kids. My wife usually stayed quiet or defended her mom.
I’m employed again and we’re moving out. I told my wife that MIL is not allowed in our home. I’m fine with my wife seeing MIL elsewhere, but our home has to be a safe place for me. My wife says I’m holding a grudge and going too far.
AITA for banning MIL from our home?
Comments
I’m shocked you still want to be married.
Honestly, with a newborn on the way, those first few months of bonding are priceless, 12 weeks of mat leave and a flexible, low-stress role might give you the breathing room you’ll really need. The corporate move sounds exciting for your career, but you’re also juggling late pregnancy and a huge life change. Sometimes choosing balance over ambition early on sets you up to thrive later without burning out.
You have a wife problem. She sucks as much as your MIL.
You are NTA for not wanting your MIL in the house. Personally, I wouldn’t want your wife in the house either, but that’s up to you.
Frankly, you should be demanding couples counseling at the least. Make sure you fight for custody in your inevitable divorce.
NTA, sounds like your wife needs to stay at her mother’s place
NTA.
NTA. There is no reason to want her there, now is there?
You’re more worried about out yourself than what she says in the company of your children. They can’t set boundaries. Guard THEM from her FIRST.
Your mil is a psycho. Advise your wife to stay away, keep you kids away, and most of all keep yourself away. Good luck.
Your house your rules!
That’s not a grudge, it’s a completely reasonable boundary to protect your mental health and create a safe home for your family. Your MIL was verbally abusive, and your wife’s silence enabled it
NTA but you need to send those kids to therapy
NTA
You may have to send your wife to live with her mother and ban her, too.
I would.
You are no an AH, but your wife is… no support, no taking her husbands side.. you two need MC. Like others I’m surprised you’re still married but not really with little ones. However, how does your wife become your partner if she does t take your side… congratulations on the new job.. took me ten months and it sucked…
NTA
Do not believe what your horrible MIL said. Cut her out. You are a human being. We all have ups and downs. Glad you get the hell out of that hell hole. As for your wife, I don’t know. She should support and defend you from about abused. You are not at fault. Remember that.
NTA. The last thing you need is MIL putting you down, especially in front of your kids. Doesn’t she care about them? That’s a terrible thing for them to hear, especially as an ongoing thing.
And your wife? Some wife she is. She also let her kids hear that and did nothing. I dont envy you.
Hold on, this woman was spewing these vile words in front of your children WHILE YOU HAD CANCER! And you wife still defended her?
Fuck me, I would have ended it right there and then.
NTA. Honestly, im surprised you aren’t making your wife sleep on the couch or looking into a divorce lawyer. I would NEVER allow my mother to treat my husband like that. If she actually said those things to you IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS, that’s straight-up alienation, and you could/should use it against your wife/her pyscho mother in the divorce… My husband has lost his job before. We stayed with my parents for 3 years after a series of financial hardships. My mom and dad have their faults, but they never once insulted me or my husband for our “inability to provide” for our kid. It sucked, covid hit us hard, but at least we were welcome in my parents’ home. We were comfortable. My mom would also never think to insult my husband so blatantly in front of his kids no less all because he got down on hus luck for a bit….unless my husband was actually a complete and total loser who didnt try to get another job and didnt help with the kids. But he’s not, and it doesn’t sound like you are either..
Your wife is the asshole here, and her mother is just a c u next Tuesday. I wouldn’t allow MIL around my kids again if she can’t respect me. I hope you grow a backbone, dude, and tell your wife how shitty of a wife she is.
You NEED your home to be a sanctuary; a place away from chaos, a safe place where you can unwind.
Your MIL does nothing but attack and put you on edge. All people who do that need to be banned. You have to protect your (and your children’s) mental health. MIL is toxic and verbally abusive. And you are probably not the only person she acts like that to. Yes! Get into therapy. You will find you are entitled to set healthy boundaries. And honestly…you may find your voice to discuss things with your wife. You two need to be a team…and that includes her supporting you.
Congrats on the new job. I hope you find fulfillment and enjoyment in it for years to come.
Your wife is awful. NTA
Shame on you for still calling that worthless woman your wife. You probably deserve everything that happened to you since you’re a weak man who can’t stand for himself
Ban your wife as weĺl
NTA, but you have a wife problem that is not going away.
NTA, your fault? For what comes out of someone else’s mouth, your fault? Let’s consider an alternative for a moment. What if you went off on MIL, just unloaded all the crap you have been bottling up all this time? Your wife would undoubtedly be upset, and rightfully so. Now here is the kicker, that is a double standard. Your wife would be upset with you if you spoke your mind to MIL but isn’t upset with MIL for how she talked to you. Your wife took the easy way out so that you were not homeless. Her mother was trying to push you out and your wife did not give her mother the edge to do it and you didn’t give MIL a reason to ask you to leave, by your holding your tongue. Your wife was sitting on the fence just trying to keep her family all together. Now that all that is over, your wife owes you an apology and this time of no MIL coming to your home. It may not last forever but you certainly have the right to have a safe space where you don’t get berated. If this comes out that she does come over anyway. Be as nasty to her as you wish. Let your wife be the one stuck in the middle. Your wife will have been the one to open the door to you treating her mother just as badly as you were treated if she allows your mother to come into your home. Can’t tell you what to do about her being around the kids and the example your MIL is setting, the bad example your wife is setting and the really bad example you are probably going to set when you see MIL in your home. MIL talking to you the way she did in front of the kids. Your wife not standing up to her mother and you for justified payback. Good luck.
I would give your wife a break because you guys had no money and no place to go so you kinda had to live there and your wife probably thought she has to put up with some nonsense to get free housing.
Free housing is never free .
I think what you’re doing is the right thing .
You have a wife problem. NTAH
Your wife needs to step up and tell your MILto go to hell . Your wife should be defending you .
You should keep your MIL away from your place your kids don’t need to see her behaviour
I am so sorry you are going through this
man after reading your replies, after all you been through your wife still doesn’t have a shred of respect for you and it’s heartbreaking. maybe it’s time to move on
Woof, not only is your MIL a terrible human being, your wife is one too! The audacity of her not to defend her husband and instead defend her mother. OP, I’m applaud for you and hope that whatever you do is what is best for your mental health and what is best for your kids. You are not the AH. They are 100% are.
You waited too long, but she has no place in your house. You are completely right.
You’re wife and MIL are complete AHs. You had Cancer and your wife still allowed her mother to treat you like this? In front of your children? I cont understand why you’re still married honestly. Now she’s gaslighting you and making you doubt how bad the situation was. I would give your wife 2 choices; therapy or divorce.
Same here. My MIL isn’t allowed in my home for the same reason.
Maybe ban your wife. Your wife’s feeding her mom with information. The fact that your wife let her mother treat you this way, in my opinion because your wife feels this way. Now your wife has a voice, when you told her your MIL is banned. Therapy sounds great, find out what’s up with your wife. I’d block this MIL from speaking to you children, I’d be afraid what she tells them
NTA
And you’re still married to this woman why?? If it’s for the sake of the children trust me when I say kids see and hear things that you may not think they know. They see if you two are unhappy together, disagree on things and now the tension with, pardon me for saying this, your self-centered, obnoxious, insufferable MIL. How dare she put you down like that or call you derogatory names. From the things that you listed I can only surmise that she is a deeply unhappy person and has decided to take her own faults and use them against you.
Now onto your wife. She should have absolutely stopped her mother immediately and told her that insulting you stops right then and there! She’s either afraid of her mother, which explains a lot or she is harboring the same opinions as her mother does. I have known women who left their husbands after the loss of a job because now they can’t purchase what they want when they want it. Designer dress, purse, shoes? Nope, can’t afford it now. Lunch at a fancy restaurant with her girlfriend’s? Nope, it costs too much. As soon as their personal ATM dried up, they were on to the next man who could provide her all the money she wanted for such luxuries.
Do yourself a favor and sit down with your wife and let her know these lines are nonnegotiable. If she finally sees what her mother has been doing and she agrees, well then that’s good. However, if she still thinks you’re holding a grudge then you need to have a serious conversation about where your marriage is going. Counseling perhaps? I just don’t see this ending well for you.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and wish you all the best
You may be in an abusive relationship by proxy.
NTA. Here’s the thing, though: Given your wife’s behavior, it’s unlikely that she’ll respect your wishes. If she violates your boundaries by inviting her mother over despite your wishes, that’s a sure sign that she doesn’t respect you and that you should probably file for divorce.
You 100% are not NTA good for you for banning her from your home she should have been supportive of your situation. Honestly, your wife should have stuck up for you.
Man or woman, nobody should be treated like this! Your kids should never hear someone talking to their parent(s) like that even worse they saw mom not try to stop but defend (encourage that abusive behavior).
Take the time you need to get back on your feet, financially and emotionally and then really ask yourself if that is someone you want to spend your life loving.
NTA
>My wife says I’m holding a grudge and going too far.
Is this holding a grudge? Are we supposed to just accept humiliation, stop resisting, and pretend nothing ever happened? NO!!
OP is just protecting his own dignity, NTA.
You’re not overreacting, after enduring that kind of verbal abuse, your home should be a safe space for you and your kids. Setting firm boundaries is completely reasonable, even with family. Your wife might need time to understand, but protecting your mental health and modeling respect for your children comes first.
Yeah NTA. I’m honestly wondering why you’re allowing your spineless wife to come with you to the new house. She failed you and her kids. Clearly she’s a copy of her mother.
You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a giant wife problem.
You are supposed to be a team. What does she say when you ask her why she never stands up for you?
Stand your ground and don’t let that toxicity into your home.
Only a year?
If I were the recipient of verbal abuse like the kind you received, the house would be off-limits to the MIL indefinitely !
I love (cynically) how commentators throw out “You need couples therapy,” or “You need couples counseling,” as if these things are free to a guy that has been out of work for a year.
If there is something you need to do its to find a place to live (as soon as you can afford it) and to tell your wife she is welcome to join you, or continuing to live with her mother.
Your life. Her choice.
You will be moving, setting up a new place, starting a new position and helping parent 3 kids. It will be incredibly easy to sweep the core issue under the rug with all of those mentally draining tasks.
I suggest when you are moving in, once your wife has physically left her parent’s house, is away from MIL’s range of influence and before you arrive at the the new family home, you lay out how emotionally abused you’ve been and her passive role in the abuse, and how it undermined your job search self esteem. When she realizes you are upset, demand marriage counseling. Otherwise, the marriage in the new home will be temporary.
You can’t continue to endure that treatment and you need to trust it will never happen again and trust that she is on your side. She has to have your back. So you two have to figure out how to trust each other again- her trusting you’ll provide (not sure if she works), and you trusting she’ll discontinue condoning the verbal abuse inflicted by her mother.
That’s a lot more work to do on top of everything else you’re doing. Make it a priority, or you will resent her forever and it will fester and grow and become a big ugly infection in your marriage.
I highly suggest seeing a therapist and when you’re ready, couples counseling or a lawyer. Your wife not defending you and now gaslighting you is beyond the pale. Seriously, once you start counseling, talk to a lawyer, he can tell you what you need to do to prepare and protect yourself and your kids.
NTA. If your wife isn’t on your team, leave her with her mother.
100% NTAH. Use your time in therapy to heal your trauma, and then decide if you feel the marriage is worth trying to save. I’m so sorry you have had to go through all of this.
You are absolutely not the asshole!!! Your wife should be defending you and putting her mother in her place especially in front of your children who will think this is normal behaviour. Your wife is the asshole here. I think you need to have a talk with her about how this has affected you and that she should be your partner in this not making you feel worse. Depression is horrific and this is the sort of thing that tips some over the edge. Stay strong
NTA. Your wife needs to get her priorities in order and understand that her mother was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. It’s even worse that she did this in front of your children. I’d show your wife this post so she can see that she is the AH along with her mother!
NTA. Sounds like your wife and MIL are a lot alike
NTA but maybe let your wife stay at MiL’s. She actually defended her mother’s verbal diarrhea, meaning your wife is agreeing with her mother.
No you are not and your wife should have had your back but she probably was raised being verbally beaten down so she thinks it normal. It is NOT normal nor is it anything your kids should see!!!! This may not end well. Take care of yourself and your kids!!!
You need a new wife.
That’s messed up honestly
Laid off? Cancer? Look my dude, absolutely NONE of that was YOUR fault. Your wife and her mother are absolutely disgusting. You are NOT the A-hole in this situation. THEY ARE! You need to find a therapist to talk through this whole situation. And you need to find an attorney and file for divorce. There’s no going back after verbal abuse.
You do need therapy. You’ve been through hell and need to get your self-worth back. Therapy can help with that. Once you feel strong again, get into couples therapy – dependent on how your wife treats you from this point on and follows the banning of MIL. If she doesn’t, you may need a lawyer. First things first, therapy for yourself. Know you’re worth it, you’re a good person and survived hell.
NTA and you don’t just have a MIL problem you have a wife problem. Do you really want to stay married to a woman that wouldn’t stand up you but now is also saying you’re holding a grudge which btw you’re allowed too. Your wife needs serious therapy if thinks her mom’s behavior was okay, I wouldn’t feel supported, loved, or cared for with a partner like that. Your MIL said horrible to things to you right in front of your wife and kids and your wife didn’t speak up once to tell her mom to shut it? Does she even love you?
From her reaction of you requesting your MIL not be allowed in your new home says everything about your wife’s support and love for you. She doesn’t care, and she is trying to sweep her mom’s behavior under the rug. You should ask her how she would have felt if it was your family treating her that way? Would she have been okay with you ignoring it and being fine with seeing the person abusing her in her own home.
Why would your wife defend you when she wrote the script for your MIL? NTA
It’s pretty normal for people to lose their job these days. And it’s usually no one’s fault. Having it happen 1 time in a decade is no one’s fault. If your wife didn’t stand up for you when you were at your lowest, she doesn’t deserve you at any other point. You have a major spouse issue, and it’s going to turn into a major child issue if she doesn’t shape up, verbally smack her mother into next year, and do some amazing consistent work to make it up to you. I mean, you have no shame in divorcing now as things stand, but if you want to continue, you need to make sure your wife knows that she has hurt you, and is in the wrong, and can either work (consistently for at least a year) to get back in your good graces, or she can go back to living with her own mother and be a pair of harpies together. NTA, and feel free to have your wife DM me if she wants a scathing explanation of how badly she’s acted.
You have a MIL issue, but more importantly,you have a major spouse issue. Why would you even want to be married to someone who allows you to be verbally abused? You need some therapy and you need to get your kids out of this toxic environment. You’re trying to solve the wrong problem. You won’t have a MIL problem, if you don’t have a wife problem. She may not be doing the yelling and name calling, but her silence is just as abusive.
NTA
NTA! But shame on your wife
You should move to the new place and leave her with her mother
Nta at all screw her
NTA. Don’t even let your kids near your MIL.
NTA.
I’ve read a lot of your comments. Congratulations on surviving cancer and not giving up on getting that job. You had zero support from your wife during all this. By not standing up for you to her mother, she was agreeing with her. Guaranteed the two of them talked about you and the situation ALL THE TIME behind your back.
You mention MIL used to pick on your wife like that growing up. Yes, your wife can be a victim and continue the abuse on others. There is a very real chance your wife was complaining nonstop to her mother about the situation. There is also a very high chance that your wife didn’t back you up and let the kids be abused, too, because SHE was just happy to not be getting abused. My mother was quite fine with my father abusing my brother and me as long as it meant SHE didn’t get targeted. Your wife is a failure as a mother and wife.
Maybe next time your wife gaslights you, flat out tell her that if you are such a failure as a man and father to her, she should consider staying with her mother. You know what happened and what SHE allowed to happen to you and the kids. She will not gaslight you into believing otherwise. Let her know SHE is the failure for, at the bare minimum, protect your children from her mother. And that it’ll be a long while before you trust her to ever have your back as a partner again.
Don’t sleep with her. Don’t allow her to love bomb you. Get therapy ASAP for what you have been through. Your wife is just manipulating you like her mother did. Just with less vitriol.
NTA and i wouldn’t let the toxic bitch around your kids, either
You deserve a better partner. Your wife should stay with her shitty mother while you talk to a lawyer about separating. This was horrendous for you and unforgivable. Your wife should have stuck up for you. I never would have tolerated that from my mother. I would have lived in a motel room and worked two fast food jobs while you recovered without abuse. Therapy when you can!! NTA.
NTA. Far as I can see, you could murder the MIL & be entirely justified. Evil witch.